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xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 10:15 AM

So I'll start with the basics.

She's almost 19, I just turned 19 a bitago. We both have our associate degrees completed and she's finishing up her BA at a University. We've been together for basically three years. I sort of saw this happening. We talked yesterday and she told me she wanted a break for a few reasons.

1)Her mom was sort of a psycho and made a lot of things tough for her. She didn't really run her own life, so she wants to be independent and make her own decisions and support herself.

2)She told me she's 90 percent there completley in love with me and can see herself spending the rest of her life with me, but that I'm her first boyfriend ever and she just wants to maybe date just to experience it. She said once again how much she loved me, and that she knew she wouldn't find someone else as good, just wanted to date for the experience of doing it.

3)We're doing this break for three months, which is the end of the quarter. She wants to experience college life- hanging out with roommates, getting used to her schedule, going out on weekends, making male friends, maybe dating. She's not the type that would go binge drink or something and sleep around.

I get all of this and all of the reasons make sense. She sees two as the final step to getting her to fully committ to this relationship 100 percent. It sucks being her only boyfriend ever, but I understand wanting to date for a few months and meet other people to confirm her own feelings. Currently, we're still friends, we talked today, and next weekend, we're taking a weekend trip across the state for a bike ride we're doing and we're going to continue to be friends. We broke up a year ago so she could sort of see what it was like to date other guys, but lots of things happened in that time with her family and such so it didn't work out like that and we basically took a break for 5 or 6 months before we basically started going out again, so I sort of know what I'm getting myself in to. I've been in a few logner relationships, and this girl is definitely one I want to spend my life with. She's gone with me two years to Michigan to meet my family and I went all out this summer on fun things and romantic things. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what to do in the next few months until we sit down and talk in December. I got a job offer up by where she's going to school, so I moved out of my parents up here a week ago. Lastnight, I was devastated and wanting to get out, I drove 3hrs home only to not want to be there after 10 min and drove back. Now I've woken up and really don't want to be here. I'm in a tailspin trying to figure out what to do the next few days until I get an idea of what to do. We'll still be hanging out once or twice a week, just need to figure out what's good for me th enext few days. Sorry for the length and any typos, in a hurry, thanks!

unaffected · Sep 23, 2009, 10:25 AM

This isn't actually advice for you, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

I currently know/am friends with two different couples for whom their relationship is the only one they've ever been in. And ten or more years later, there have been issues and doubts and questions, and I'm not sure they are so happy.

I'm a firm believer in dating at least 2 people before getting married! I'm sure there are situations where people have married their first boyfriend and been completely happy, but I'm just going off what I know.

But, since you have started a new job, could you meet some new friends at work? Hanging out with co-workers would be an easy way to fill your time. Do you have any friends, besides her, in your current town?

xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 10:29 AM

I totally agree it's good for her to do this stuff. I want her to date others,see what its like, so she can make that final leap into being completely 100 percent in love with me and not having curiosity later on. I haven't started the job yet, and don't until November or early December, which sucks. So co-workers is sort of out of the question, I live out of town 10 miles on the countryside, so I'm not in town as much. Going home lastnight, I figured at least one or two of my friends would be around, but none were. I'm definitely trying to hang out with them though.

kctiger · Sep 23, 2009, 10:43 AM

**Excuse the harshness up front!

I am sorry but I don't buy into all this BS. Date to just experience other people? You actually buy into that? Look, regardless, you go do your thing and live your life, leaving her alone. To say that one has to experience other people, dating wise, to prove their love for you is absolute garbage. PERIOD! Reality hits you and you will understand that feelings are feelings and they don't need to be validated. Love is love, that's it. They shouldn't need to be confirmed. You do what you want, but if someone fed me this line of BS, I would be gone. Just my opinion.

Love and relationships aren't scripted. You don't just put a time limit and say, "Hey, I am going to date others for the next three months just to make sure I like you. At the end of the quarter, we can get back together." That is not reality no matter which way you slice it. I am not going to be a fall back guy for any woman, nor should you.

xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 10:47 AM

It's completely crappy, but seeing as I am her only boyfriend ever and we've been together for this long, I understand she has the small piece of her wanting to see what it's like and experience just dating before she commits.

kctiger · Sep 23, 2009, 10:48 AM

Commitment is about wanting, about dedication and about true passion to do something and has NOTHING to do with experience.

Let me put it to you this way: If she had stated you are the only person she has had sex with, but she wanted to have sex with other guys to make sure your sex was the right thing for her, would you still agree or understand?

I am not trying to be harsh by any means, but I have strong feeling when it comes to lines fed to boyfriends about taking a "break."

xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 10:51 AM

Yeah, but different kinds of commitment. When it's committing to someone in a relationship, you want to make sure your ready. What'sbetter? Having her ignore things now and continue the path and then in a year or two when maybe I'd want to propose, she decides she wants to do this before committing to engagement or something or having her do a 3 month break now to get any of that out of the way or let me know what she wants. I'd rather take that now then having her be curious later.

xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

**Excuse the harshness up front!

Love and relationships aren't scripted. You don't just put a time limit and say, "Hey, I am going to date others for the next three months just to make sure I like you. At the end of the quarter, we can get back together." That is not reality no matter which way you slice it. I am not going to be a fall back guy for any woman, nor should you.

And I agree with that. At the end of the quarter, we're going to re-assess things and see where she's at and how she's feeling and go from there. I'm not going to be a fall back guy either, but I'm not going to give up because I really love her and it's not un normal for people to do this before they get married or commit to someone in another way. It's to get the curiosity out of the way. I'm willing to put up with giving her some space for the next few months and talka about things in December. I definitely think though by December, she needs to know one way or the other and that's the point where I stop compromising I think.

unaffected · Sep 23, 2009, 10:57 AM

KC: I agree that taking breaks is an odd concept, a lot of the time probably BS. I've never experienced a "break taking" in one of my relationships. I do think a lot of the time it is code for just breaking up all together, but one person is too chicken to just say it.

But, I still stand behind my comment about dating/being with only one person forever. In the 2 couples I know, their relationships aren't as strong as others I've seen. But obviously this will vary from case to case.

kctiger · Sep 23, 2009, 10:57 AM

It's not un-normal? I have NEVER heard of a couple breaking up (if indeed they are madly in love with each other) with the specific purpose of dating other people. I have been in love and when I am in LOVE, I have no curiosity about other women because all of my attention is focused on my partner.

xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 10:57 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Let me put it to you this way: If she had stated you are the only person she has had sex with, but she wanted to have sex with other guys to make sure your sex was the right thing for her, would you still agree or understand?

No, of course not. These are two totally different things.

paxe · Sep 23, 2009, 10:59 AM

That's BS and you are getting used like a fool. It's actually the best situation for her, she can date around and see other guys while you wait. So if it doesn't work with other guys she will come back to you, but if things happen with other guys (most probably) she will stay with them and not come back to you.

I guess you need to grow some and end that relationship already. I've been in your shoes, 3 year relationship and then a breakup, she wanted "time". Move on, this is going to end badly if you don't end it now.

xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by unaffected

KC: I agree that taking breaks is an odd concept, a lot of the time probably BS. I've never experienced a "break taking" in one of my relationships. I do think a lot of the time it is code for just breaking up all together, but one person is too chicken to just say it.

But, I still stand behind my comment about dating/being with only one person forever. In the 2 couples I know, their relationships aren't as strong as others I've seen. But obviously this will vary from case to case.

I agree a lot of it is BS, but I know from the last time we broke up she has the guts to come out and say it and be honest about it.

xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by paxe

So if it doesn't work with other guys she will come back to you, but if things happen with other guys (most probably) she will stay with them and not come back to you.

That's the thing- She told me she doesn't want to be in a relationship for a few months because since she's been in HS, she's been in a relationship the whole time and wants to see what its like to be single and just casually date and make male friends. Since we'll still be hanging out and friends, I can judge for myself if it gets to a point where it becomes clear nothings going to happen and go back to how they were. I'm not blind, nor dumb. I'm just willing to do a lot because I've put way too much time and effort in the last 3 years to just give up.

unaffected · Sep 23, 2009, 11:10 AM

So during this break, she will potentially be dating other men? And will you be dating other women?

xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by unaffected

So during this break, she will potentially be dating other men? And will you be dating other women?

Yeah, she'll potentially be dating other guys casually, not relationships. May sound dumb, but I don't plan to. I have no desire to, I've been in a few longer relationships already, I know what I want and I have no interest in casual dating because its just that-short term relationships to me.

kctiger · Sep 23, 2009, 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by xstraightedgex

That's the thing- She told me she doesn't want to be in a relationship for a few months because since she's been in HS, she's been in a relationship the whole time and wnats to see what its like to be single and just casually date and make male friends.

Translation: I want to be able to go do anything I want, with any guy I want, without having to answer to a boyfriend.

Originally Posted by xstraightedgex

I'm just willing to do alot because i've put way too much time and effort in the last 3 years to just give up.

This isn't about giving up, it is about protecting yourself and keeping your dignity. That is our entire point.

xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 11:19 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Translation: I want to be able to go do anything I want, with any guy I want, without having to answer to a boyfriend.

This isn't about giving up, it is about protecting yourself and keeping your dignity. That is our entire point.

1) I know that's the translation. Be single and date casually and not worry about hurting me or anything. She wants to be independent and experienceit. Whatever.

2) In experience of going through this somewhat once before for some different reasons, and talking with some close friends who know me and us, it'll hurt more for me to just give up and move on then to keep myself busy and wait until then. I know what I'm getting myself into, I know the consequences. But I'd rather deal with that then just move on and forget. I don't think she's bsing and I really do believe her. If I thought she was BS'ing, I'd say F it and forget about it.

kctiger · Sep 23, 2009, 11:24 AM

All I am saying is that if I were in your shoes, she wouldn't be the only one going off and having fun... life is too short to wait around. Just because she is going to be "free" doesn't mean you can't enjoy your time either. I just hope you aren't going to sit around and worry about her all the time, that's all.

xstraightedgex · Sep 23, 2009, 11:30 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

All I am saying is that if I were in your shoes, she wouldn't be the only one going off and having fun...life is too short to wait around. Just because she is going to be "free" doesn't mean you can't enjoy your time either. I just hope you aren't going to sit around and worry about her all the time, that's all.

I plan to stay busy with hobbies and friends, just not the person that really wants to go date others.