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april142 · Sep 23, 2009, 08:23 AM

Ok... I need a completely 3rd party input on this situation because I'm constantly restless and driving myself crazy. Story is: I fell in love with my current boyfriend 3 and a half years ago (at least I thought I did). He was technically only my second serious relationship and we spent all our time together. As time went on, I realized that he was pretty immature and but I was patient and put a lot of effort into making things work. Eventually, he started flirting with this other girl and I ended things but then a week later he said he'd really made a mistake and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Since then he has definitely made an effort to handle things more maturely and look at things in different perspectives. Now, the problem is that I used to feel like nothing he could do would ever make me not love him but after the break up I really feel like something inside me just switched off... I realized we don't have much at all in common and usually don't have much to talk about.
I should also mention that like a year prior to this relationship I had another on off relationship. In short- great, sweet, funny guy. He cared a lot about me but I never seemed to feel exactly the same. I tried to make it work, but after a year of on and off I had to end it because I couldn't hurt him anymore. Months later, I realized how amazing he was and how much I wanted to be with him, but he said it was "set in stone" we wouldn't ever be together again.. with good reason obviously. I still think about him all the time to this day and when I see him my heart drops. We don't really talk.. only randomly, always initiated by me. The pathetic thing is that my heart still races thinking about him.
By the way I really appreciate anyone who would take the time to read this haha but what I can't come to a conclusion on is, is everything with my first boyfriend all just the same old "first love" case? Do I just still think about him constantly because we never got a shot at a real relationship? And what do I do about my current relationship?

kctiger · Sep 23, 2009, 08:27 AM

I think we often fear ending a relationship when we love another person. The fact of the matter is, you can't force love and relationships aren't meant to be forced either. If you two aren't compatible, there isn't much you can do. I think you would do well ending it with your current boyfriend and focusing on what truly makes YOU happy. It also never really seems like you got over your previous boyfriend, which prohibits you from truly loving another guy who clearly isn't what you expected.

BradDurden · Sep 23, 2009, 04:25 PM

This situation makes me laugh. Not because it's funny but I've been there. I'm going to take a wild guess and assume your one of those people who loves a challenge. The thing about the relationship that kept you going was you effort to make it work... you were going 90 % and he was going 10. Now that things are even and you can finally think about what you want for a change and not what will please him, you realize yeah there are a lot of things I want.
As far as the ex, your just looking for a way to avoid that feeling in between relationships... there are tons of guys out there it might take some time. But that will be a great time to reflect on what went wrong in this relationship...
In short get out, you can do better

talaniman · Sep 23, 2009, 05:39 PM

I think when your confused about your own feelings, being single will help with that confusion. That allows you to deal with your feelings, and be honest with yourself.

After a break up (especially the first one) it's a disaster trying to replace one relationship with another, without complete healing from the first.

Hope your not one of those that needs a relationship to be happy with yourself.

none12345 · Sep 23, 2009, 05:47 PM

If your first love is always in your mind, you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone else. It is once till you move on completely from someone, then you start a new relationship. This way you ll be focused on one person and won't be confused.

I wish · Sep 23, 2009, 07:40 PM

You're obviously really confused about what you want. So the best thing for you to do is put some distance from the idea of relationships for a while so that you can figure things out.

You don't have to be in a relationship all the time. Allow yourself to recover from this experience. Once you've recovered, you will feel more refreshed and objective about everything.

Just be patient with yourself.