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jlove22 · Sep 21, 2009, 07:55 PM

:confused:okay my husband is very insecure he does not like me going out or likes me having any friends (male or female) he feels if I have friends (female) thts they are taking me away from him and I spend less time with him well when it come to a male friend he knows he treats me like so he feels that I will find someone that will treat me like a queen much better that him I know he loves me but he gets way out of hand sometimes he like to hide his money from me mind you I am a stay at home mom so if I need any personal things I have to tell him and he will go get it the only time he gives me money is when I need to go grocery shoppin and I hve AN AMOUNT I CAN SPEND he goes though my email checks my Facebook myspace and gmail and it was one time he went in my spam box and found an online dating advertisement and thought that I visited the site and that's how they got my email so when he found that he told me and my kid to get out and go live with who ever I was talking to on the site and then he goes and post if all up on Facebook how I cheated on him while he is deployed yes he is in the military but he made mr look really bad to all his friends and they were all commenting on his status I felt really bad cause I didn't do anything but I am wondering if I should stay and get help or should I leave and say it

Alty · Sep 21, 2009, 08:01 PM

I'm sorry, your post was way too hard to read. There wasn't one comma or period in the entire post.

Also, chat speak is not something most of the people on this site will even bother to read, not to mention that it's against the rules.

Please re-type your post. Use punctuation, complete words and the best English you're capable of. You'll get more responses that way. As it is, I don't think many people will read more then the first sentence before they get fed up.

Just Dahlia · Sep 21, 2009, 09:34 PM

I actually read (and tried to understand) the whole thing because it sounded like I was writing it many years ago. Almost exact, except for the email stuff. (kind of strange):eek:

Change the situation or get the H3ll out, unless you do something about it now, it will never change. If you put up with it, it will only get worse.

I give this opinion from personal experience, and I hope you have the strength to help yourself and your child :)

Gemini54 · Sep 22, 2009, 03:38 AM

He's an abuser and he's clearly a control freak. (Interesting how he chose to abuse you through FaceBook.)

You need to understand that you're being subjected to domestic violence:

"Domestic violence occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate or harm the other. Domestic violence can be exhibited in many forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, social or economic deprivation or threats of violence".

Leave. This man does not have your physical, mental or emotional well-being as his first priority. Get out for the sake of your children. They are our first priority now.

Are you able to call on family or friends to assist you? Do so, without delay.

The situation with your husband will only escalate if you stay and I would be concerned about his response if you were to confront him.

Cat1864 · Sep 22, 2009, 06:51 AM

Gemini spelled out for what "domestic abuse" is. Staying there is only going to get worse. Especially if he is isolating you from your family and keeping you from having friends of either gender. Budgets are one thing, but accusations of infidelity on Facebook are a HUGE RED FLAG.

I agree you need to get out. Today-if possible.

You and your child do not deserve to be treated like this. He isn't only damaging your self-esteem and respect but your child's too. Is she/he his child or from a previous relationship?

You need to go to your family (if possible) or contact your local Women's Services. They can help you with the resources available in your area.

You need to re-establish ties with old friends and rebuild your support system. You have already started on the support by talking to us.

It won't be easy, so expect the pain, hurt and indecision and provide yourself ways to minimize them like making new friends, new job, new hobby, etc. and most of all being a parent.

You will feel like you have to stay and try to work it out. You don't. He will probably try threats. Keep a log and make police reports as necessary. He will probably say he will change. Don't believe him.

jham123 · Sep 22, 2009, 07:25 AM

The dynamics here could be more than "He is a control freak, get out"

OP, before you take all the above advice (if you wanted to leave you would have by now), ask yourself this. Have you done everything you can to convince your Solder that you are committed and that you LOVE him?

I know it sounds silly and sort of pop psych. But just consider what I've said, a small gesture or show of appreciation or validation may go a long way in calming the inner demons your Hubby may be dealing with.

I know what I say is against the grain... take it for what it is...

1800proof · Sep 22, 2009, 08:08 AM

I agree with jham123... did you guys marry young? Contrary to popular belief, it IS possible for someone to change. I know when my wife goes out with mystery friends (especially other men), my spider senses sometimes start to tingle, but when I meet the friends first, it's usually no big deal.

Until recently, we had an unspoken rule of introducing new friends to each other, usually in a social gathering so that we could actually get to know them, and vice versa.That way, when it's time to go out with those friends, it usually no big deal; it's harder for a friend to steer you the wrong way when they've made a connection with your partner.

However, as far as the money is concerned, yes, it is controlling. He needs to understand that his money IS your money... 50/50. He may work the job, but you are working the home, so that is half your income. He couldn't earn that without you. Ask him if he'd prefer that you find a job, then ask him if he would be willing to stay home to take care of your child. I am sure his answer would be no...

What he did through his social networking sites is just plain immature. Sounds like he's young and insecure. Try my 'meeting the friends' suggestion, and maybe that will help quell his insecurities.

Good luck to you!

jham123 · Sep 22, 2009, 08:16 AM

^^yup...

But I'd wager that many of these poor behaviors that the Hubby exhibits may be in an escalated battle STEMMING from both parties being in a constant state of confusion about each other.

She, Frozen by anxiety and Fear yet still deeply in love

He, Confused at her lack of intimacy and calculating (incorrectly) that the reason for the lack of intimacy could only be that she is looking to leave... or worse that she is giving her affections to another.

And it spins out of control from that point.

Chapter 14 of "Love must be Tough"

88sunflower · Sep 22, 2009, 08:17 AM

Originally Posted by jham123

The dynamics here could be more than "He is a control freak, get out"

OP, before you take all the above advice (if you wanted to leave you would have by now), ask yourself this. Have you done everything you can to convince your Solder that you are committed and that you LOVE him?

I know it sounds silly and sorta pop psych. But just consider what I've said, a small gesture or show of appreciation or validation may go a long way in calming the inner demons your Hubby may be dealing with.

I know what I say is against the grain....take it for what it is....

Did it cross your mind she is afraid to leave? His actions might put the fear of leaving in to her?

88sunflower · Sep 22, 2009, 08:20 AM

[QUOTE=jham123;1991544

He, Confused at her lack of intimacy and calculating (incorrectly) that the reason for the lack of intimacy could only be that she is looking to leave... or worse that she is giving her affections to another.

QUOTE]

She never mentioned an issue with lack of intimacy.

jham123 · Sep 22, 2009, 08:22 AM

^Whatever...

Cat1864 · Sep 22, 2009, 08:24 AM

1) He can't stay home and take of the child. He is in the military.

2) It is more than immature when he goes through the "spam" folder, finds a dating site email and tells her to take her kid and get out, then proceeds to brand her with a scarlet A on Facebook.

3) Her having female friends takes time away from him. I won't even touch on male friends. That is more than a meeting the friends issue.

4) He buys her personal items. He doesn't trust her to buy her own shampoo and tampons?

5) He goes through all of her personal correspondence, Facebook and Myspace.

We haven't been given their ages. It may not be a case of "marrying young".

1800proof · Sep 22, 2009, 08:54 AM

True, it may not be a case of a young marriage.

1) Military or not, he needs to understand that if she were to provide for the family, someone would have to take care of the child. I believe it was his choice to join the military.

2) Yes, it IS more than immature, but that is why I assumed 'young'. Doesn't sound like anything a more mature person would do. Telling her to leave is a sign of immaturity and control, or maybe just a way he handles his insecurities. I bet if she started packing, he'd be like, "wait... don't go..."

3) Taking the time away from him does point to his insecurities... perhaps she can compromise and spend time with friends while he is at work or away from the home. That way, they can spend quality time together as a family unit when he is home. That could only help their situation.

4) The shopping thing is kind of freaky... but again, he needs to understand the working vs staying home dynamic. It is BOTH their money, not just his. I am sure he has a problem with this one, but if the question were asked if he would rather stay home so she can work, regardless of whether he is able to or not because he is in the military, I am sure he would not change it. But just understanding the dynamic would help...

5) Again, the going through personal stuff shows a lot of insecurity. He does appear threatened by enyone else in her life, and this definitely needs to change. But I am sure that they could work it out if they did more loving things together, and they both felt loved. Right now, it seems like he doesn't know how to show love... but this can change.

I'm just not a big fan of giving it up so quickly... I feel that everyone can learn to love, and relationships can be fixed. It takes time, patience, and at least one person willing to learn. I believe that if one person changes his or her actions/habits, the reactions of the other partner will change... not guaranteed to be for the better, but it can change...

jham123 · Sep 22, 2009, 09:10 AM

Originally Posted by 1800proof

I'm just not a big fan of giving it up so quickly... I feel that everyone can learn to love, and relationships can be fixed. It takes time, patience, and at least one person willing to learn. I believe that if one person changes his or her actions/habits, the reactions of the other partner will change... not guaranteed to be for the better, but it can change...

Zactly, Branding one or the other as an abuser is way to easy. SOMETHING has gone astray from the time they decided to get Married and now.

We try to identify that issue and MAYBE, just maybe they stand a chance to make it life.

I guess "Leave him" would solve all the problems as well... huh?

Guess what? Leaving and moving on to a new person accomplished one thing... it made sure that if there is some sort of maturation process one needs to accomplish to become a true healthy adult... it made sure that process was completely avoided.

Cat1864 · Sep 22, 2009, 09:23 AM

Originally Posted by 1800proof

I'm just not a big fan of giving it up so quickly... I feel that everyone can learn to love, and relationships can be fixed. It takes time, patience, and at least one person willing to learn. I believe that if one person changes his or her actions/habits, the reactions of the other partner will change... not guaranteed to be for the better, but it can change...

In a healthy relationship they both should be willing to learn and work with each other for the partnership. There isn't a partnership here. There is a "my way".

Emotional and mental abuse usually stem from the insecurities of the person doing the controlling. Staying in the house with someone who tries to control whether you have friends or can go shopping is unhealthy for her self-esteem and that of her child. It also feeds his ego because he has made her do what he wants.

How should she change to change him? Stay home more so he feels less insecure. Call him every two hours when she does go out. Tell any friends she has left that they have to come over because he doesn't like her going out. Make sure that she doesn't make eye contact with men.

Changing yourself to fit the wants of another person usually results in a loss of self-respect.

If she does want to work on the relationship, I would suggest she do it from outside that house.

1800proof · Sep 22, 2009, 09:36 AM

I wasn't suggesting that she change to fit his ideals more... just changes that would change his reactions.

For example... if her friends are taking time away from their time, then she can see them when he is away at work. Or if he's insecure about her friends, then a small social gathering could make him a part of the friendship circle. Agree... she shouldn't lose self respect, but she can help him with his insecurities.

True, if she doesn't want to work on the relationship, she should break it off, but right now, she says she is confused. Before ending a marriage commitment, I would recommend one does everything they can to try and fix it before throwing in the towel.

88sunflower · Sep 22, 2009, 11:02 AM

Originally Posted by 1800proof

True, it may not be a case of a young marriage.

2) Yes, it IS more than immature, but that is why I assumed 'young'. Doesn't sound like anything a more mature person would do. Telling her to leave is a sign of immaturity and controll, or maybe just a way he handles his insecurities. I bet if she started packing, he'd be like, "wait... don't go..."

You don't have to be young to be controlling and abusive. Just thought I would put that out there.

Gemini54 · Sep 23, 2009, 02:49 AM

P-lease guys. Reverse the genders, would you be so willing to make excuses then?

It's all very well to say that one should make a supreme effort to save a marriage - but when one's physical and emotional well-being is at stake, it's somewhat different.

Control is a form of physical and emotional abuse - are you suggesting that she try and 'love' him out of it?

1800proof · Sep 23, 2009, 06:17 AM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Reverse the genders, would you be so willing to make excuses then?

Control is a form of physical and emotional abuse - are you suggesting that she try and 'love' him out of it?

I would still offer the same recommendations if the genders were reversed. Without changing her current actions, she would probably end up in the same situation with someone else if she were to leave her current husband. But imagine the additional challenge of having a child from a previous marriage involved...

Someone has to put in the effort. He is the least likely to do it, so it is up to jlove22. Sure, if it doesn't work out, then reconsider, but there are books and methods that can help. It is so easy to just give up, but each challenge conquered in a marriage can make the union stronger. I would recommend the following:

Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel
How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together by Susan Page

These aren't guaranteed to work, but they are options to try to make things better. The great thing is that they don't focus on trying to change your spouse but isntead offer techniques to change one's self in order to bring about different reactions from your spouse.

And why not at least try to make changes now with the person she is already committed to? They already have history, know each other well, and love each other. If she becomes a better person for trying to make her current situation better, it would only help her with future relationships if it ends up going that way. By remaining complacent and walking away from a problem, nothing is learned, and history is bound to repeat itself.

lish1212 · Dec 16, 2011, 08:18 PM

This sounds all too familiar! Let me guess, does this man verbally abuse you, and lower yourself esteem? Do you feel like your always walking on egg shells with him around? Are you allowed to be yourself, or for that matter are you happy? This man is abusing you and your child. No one has the right to treat you this way. Life is short, and you deserve better. Hoping it will get better will not make it better. It will only get worse! Take action, and save money to leave. Tell a close family member so you can stay there, and get on your feet alone with your child. Stay in touch with friends and family despite what he says so they know how you are. God luck to you!!