[Hagen]

Hi

My husband and I moved to france 5 years agoo to start a business, it was more his decision as he had financial problems in the UK and couldn't return and left them there.
The business is becoming successful and he is on a mission to make it a success, he is obsessed about it.

He can no longer return to the UK as he doesn't like his old job and hates the thought of going backwards.

We have now four children all under 5 years old we I've with no neighbours or support in a rural location and nothing for the kids to do, it is limited here in rural France.

If I tell himI miss family and want to go to the Uk we can't always afford it and then he gives me a hard time. I don't see anyone and feel isolated here and I have been to local mairie and villages to find facilities but again it is limited.

I was a career girl before all this and I am happy to be a full time wife and mum but when I mention going back to work in the distant future he makes me feel as if it is not to be discussed as it is not the here and now, he also makes me feel very un intellegant.

He only wants to talk about his business to me and if I talk too much he says I am shouting at him and I am not.

He has threatened me in situations when I was pregnant saying if I was not he would knock ten bails of out of me, I know I am a strong woman who stands her ground but this winds him up and he becomes verbally abusive threatens to leave all the time drives off in the night and turns off his phone. He smashes pictures in anger and due to his financial stresses and commitments he looses his temper and can be scarey, also has pushed me to the floor in a row whilst I am pregnant... should I leave himis it over.
There is no marriage councling here in France and my french isn't good enough his is though.

I feel like a prisoner.

He also grabs my face whilst holding a baby and telss me to shut up hen I have answers to a dispute.

He blames me for my daughter of 4 not listening to him and says it is my fault, but when the business has struggled often it does I might add he has gont to England to do a contract job and been away for months on end leaving me with the kids and coming back at weekends so the kids have had me as the authoritarian I guess and they respect me more, it isn't my fault.

I try to talk to him but he doesn't have time for me, often threatens to leave if I say my feelings or divorce me.

I feel like a puppet I feel tired worn out and I can't or don't know what to do please help me.

Thanks

[amicon]

I think you realise that you are in an abusive relationship.Its also possible that you are suffering from depression which given your circumstances wouldn't be unusual.
Have family and friends in England that could help you leave?Because leave I feel you ll have to do.Abuse escalates and you have to consider the future of your children.A man who abuses his partner doesn't stop.In England two women a week are killed by their partners.You need to leave this man and not allow this abuse to continue.

[Gemini54]

There are agencies that deal with domestic violence in France and some that speak English. France has a women's refuge system called SOS Femmes. I have posted the link:

Domestic violence

Please try and contact them and they will be able to support you and advise you. Even in a rural area you are not alone - there will be a doctor or health nurse that can advise you even if your French is poor. You may also be able to speak to the local police.

Your physical safety and that of your children is of prime consideration. If you are truly desperate ring your family or friends in the UK and let them know what is happening. Ask them for assistance and get out of there.

You owe nothing to a man that is violent and abusive.

[Hagen]

Thanks for this

He has read this thread and is shocked and feels so hurt and sorry.
He has not actually hit me but due to financial worry and big stresses over seas he has lost sight of reality and what is happening to us here.

He is a good father and helps with the kids but has an anger problem.

I have been insecure in the early part of our marriage and caused bitterness so I know I was not a great person in early part.

I now feel sorry for him as I think he may be breaking down... I don't want to give up hope quite yet but we have to see a counselor so thanks Gemini I have looked at the links thanks so much your so kind.

[Gemini54]

Thanks for this

He has read this thread and is shocked and feels so hurt and sorry.
He has not actually hit me but due to financial worry and big stresses over seas he has lost sight of reality and what is happening to us here.

He is a good father and helps with the kids but has an anger problem.

i have been insecure in the early part of our marriage and caused bitterness so i know i was not a great person in early part.

i now feel sorry for him as i think he may be breaking down...I dont want to give up hope quite yet but we have to see a counselor so thanks Gemini I have looked at the links thanks so much your so kind.

I do hope that you are able to work things out - your husband needs to consider his own behavior in this and take responsibility. Obviously, so do you. Regardless, do not put up with threatening or violent behavior. There is simply NO excuse. I wish you well.

[zippit]

Thanks for this

He has read this thread and is shocked and feels so hurt and sorry.
He has not actually hit me but due to financial worry and big stresses over seas he has lost sight of reality and what is happening to us here.

He is a good father and helps with the kids but has an anger problem.

i have been insecure in the early part of our marriage and caused bitterness so i know i was not a great person in early part.

i now feel sorry for him as i think he may be breaking down...I dont want to give up hope quite yet but we have to see a counselor so thanks Gemini I have looked at the links thanks so much your so kind.

You changed your position on this a great deal after you said "he has read it"

So he feels badly,and perhaps this helped him see some things differently,however abuse is abuse be it physical/mental a push is physical belittling you is mental.I would demand HE get some counseling and I would stick to it.

Also,
I see you have you'r hands full with the children is the money situation better where you can get some child care?
The reason I ask is because you are a professional type person and might benefit spreading your talents around maybe helping with the business etc.

Hope this helps.

[jmjoseph]

The fact that he feels bad about this issue gives some glimmer of hope. I am not excusing his bad behavior, but starting a business in a pass or fail miserably gamble is quite stressful.

However, when you two married, you became one, a team. He needs to act like you're on his side.

If you're going to stay in France, you should learn the language. He should help you out.

He needs to understand that raising one child is tough, but FOUR? Under the age of FIVE? That has to be especially hard considering there are no playmates for them.

He has his stress, and you have the bulk of the child rearing to do. Another stressful job.

Work together on both tasks at hand.

Communicate. Talk things out in a calm, nice , manner.

There are no excuses for threats of violence. None.

The kids see you both yelling, and take Mommy's side. Let them see you two getting along like loving couples do. That's the healthy household that you want right?

[Jake2008]

You have four children, under five years old. And a husband who has thrown you to the floor while you were pregnant, threatened you, emotionally abandoned you, smashes things in anger, takes off in the night, and shuts off his phone.

He has responsibilities, and he has an obligation to you and his four children, not to behave like an idiot and take his frustrations out on you innapropriately. There is no excuse for that, sorry just doesn't cut it. I doubt that he will change simply because he has read this thread and feels 'shocked' and 'sorry'. I don't buy it for a second.

Don't kid yourself that because he hasn't actually 'hit' you, that he is a changed man.

His behaviour and the choices he makes to take all his stress out on you isn't because of his job. You are not his emotional punching bag, and it will take a lot of actual EFFORT to change him into a person who does not abuse you.

He could put his words into action and actually show you he is trying to change by going to counselling himself. He can visit a local doctor for help and guidance, he can get checked out physically, he can start helping, listening, and contributing to lessening your stressful life. He could blame you less for all the problems he selfishly puts on your shoulders, and maybe put you and the four children he has created, as a priority in his life.

Words don't cut it. Actions do. You are in an abusive marriage, and the question is, what is he going to do about it.

[amicon]

He s manipulating you into feeling sorry for him.Thats how abusers work.Anyone can s a y they re sorry.Words without backup action mean nothing.Dont fall into the trap of believing that his sorry until he actually DOES something to change his awful behaviour.

[Hagen]

Hi Again

I feel incredibly strong at the moment as he is definitely having to face this large problem he has with his frustration.

I feel due to being in a rural location away fromall of our close friends and family he is becoming a little bit to focused on business and not about his own out let like a game of golf or something, I understand the respect is lost and if I quote himfor i.e throwing me to floor he has the answer of yes but you provoked me in anger and fell I didn't really push you, but there is a fine line and he is on it.

I don know one thing I think due to worry and having to pay tax bills and the inland revenue after him for his returns for consultancy work in the UK when he flees to do a large pay out for a contract he is juggling to pay peter from paul and all these issues are heavy on his head and I just raise kids and buy food clothes etc he is worried for us in a financial and stability way, my hands are tied as I can only do so much right now.

His moods are so dramatic one min loving and next totally moody getting frustrated over the most ridiculous things.

I feel now if he keeps threatening to leave me I amgoing to say go on then.

He forgets the nasty things he says and wakes up positive as if nothing happened it really is weird, like at the theme park with kids I went to hug himand he was annoyed and said it was hypercritical after I posted thes threads etc... I said no you just don't like the responses and know you have been a complete @ss!

Anyway who knows I want to save our marriage I think he does as he keeps throwing me guilty looks and is trying right now but I want himto see a doctor to discuss his anger management, maybe he is suffering from depression?

I just know I am here living his dream now but whilst the kids are small and we have a large garden good little school for the eldest two I am going to keep positive and live my life out here as positive as possible going out and about walking dog cooking and jogging each day and getting fitter as I run every day to rlieve the heartache and listen to music on my iPod to escape it.

I know in a minute Iwill be able to go back to work... well in two years and when I do watch out as I will be back on form... elephants don't forget lol.

He knows I am a strong woman I won't tolerate it its crap but I know I have been alone in it and thanks to you guys I feel amazing as your on my side for it right now and I feel I am not going completely in sane.

Love to you all my guardian angles on the ask for help site x xxxxxxxxx

[Jake2008]

Him having a choice to change or not, in my opinion, isn't an option. The mood swings, and stress he is under is affecting him, equally to how it is affecting you and the children. The good moods never completely erase the bad, simply put, and resentment builds, and until there is an answer, and action to how he chooses to treat you, I would be putting a plan in place to leave. That's just my opinion.

He must organize his life to include his mental health. That means he needs to speak to a professional about dealing with anger, stress, and how he behaves toward you. He cannot live with excuses to justify his actions, and that is exactly what he is doing. Whatever it is that is contributing to his decisions to use you as a punching bag, emotionally or otherwise, to not justify his behaviour. He needs to change.

The isolation you live in bothers me. Men like your husband often are characterised by isolating and distancing their wives from their families and friends. To have such control over another person evolves over time. My concern here is that he will get worse, not better.

My opinion here is that you should be able to expect him to address the issues he has because this is your life and the lives of your children that are affected. You live around his moods, and so too will the children. They too will learn when to talk and when to hide. When its okay to have fun with Daddy, and when he's going to blow. Walking on eggshells to appease anyone is unhealthy all the way around.

The very least he should do, is get a complete physical and start with the family doctor. You could help by finding the closest available resources not only for him and his issues, but for women and children in abusive relationships. If you are educated, and you have resources, you will be in a position of strength, instead of a position of compliance.

Try to be realistic and practical in thinking about your safety and your future, and of course particularly the emotional well being of your children. Be prepared.

[Hagen]

Hello Again

Thanks for your feed back on this I appreciate your views on this matter.

I just feel the need to clarify why I want to save my marriage and not just throw in the towel.

I know he has become abusive and I have been married to him for 7 years now and in this time we have taken annual holidays with kids and bought property and have had wonderful times together. He has only become this way since a spurt of bad runnings happened to him with his career and financial reasons.

I aman attractive and confident woman and know that I could just walk on move on etc, but the fact is he is a good person and an incredible father. He has never really been abbusive to me in front of kids and only with me holding my baby recently when he grabbed my face in anger.

There is no excuse for what he did and he wants to leave that day as he knew he crossed the line again.

He has confirmed he is happy to seek help and we are going to our local Doctor who we have been with for 5 years so he knows us both.

He is trying and always supports me with the kids but the thing is I feel it is all very one sided as I know I have also been abusive in this relationship by being so controlling in the early part (1st year) this was due to bad relationship prior with a womanising man and no trust as we married after 4 months 7 years ago.

I know he is a good man but we can work this together if he is willing to try. It may happen again and yes it is likely and I have to take the chance but he has never beaten me or hurt me and I am not making excuses for him but the big decisions have been my part to as we both chose tomove here so he didn't really ask me ormake me we wanted to bring our kids up in a beautiful place (which it is) with freedom and beaches and localvillages with a good community. It has been especially hard for me for obvious reasons being tied at home and not seeing anyone much and also not seaking enough French.

My French now is good and I am speaking with parents and teachers at the school and I think as they are all under 5 we have put ourelves under huge pressure with living abroad and also with new language and having four kids... we have been majorly under it and finding money to keep everything going to par for food mortgage and kids with dance clubs swimming clothes... you know the score I could go on and on.

We both know we have allot of work to do but we may make a big turn in this horrible wind and come through, we love each other but we have bitten off more than we can chew but I think we may get through it.

If he dares to make me feel bad or touches me I am leaving himand mymother knows all and is there with the door open.

I am thanking you for your kind support but don't for one min worry about my kids as I protect them all the time and he is different with them as he adores them... they are well grounded adorable kids 3 of them speak french and english and they are all doing well and out going and good with others I feel confident they will be OK.

I will keep you posted on developments as you are there for me and I love that.

Xx

[Jake2008]

You sound a lot more confident than the last post I'm happy to see. :)

I am impressed that he is going to see the Doctor, that's a big step in starting to learn how to manage stress, and the resulting anger he takes out on you. Good for him!

All you can do is do your best, and stay strong. Nobody knows what the future holds, and with any luck, and a little hard work from him, your life will be easiser.

I did not mean to imply that you were a bad mother, actually quite the contrary. It's pretty clear you are dedicated to the well being of your family.

The effect on the kids of your husbands behaviour does not go unnoticed by them. The anger, throwing things, the level of frustration, it may not be understood by them, but they do feel that energy, and as a child, it leaves its mark. I am glad that he is a good father, and he'll be an even better father when he starts to manage the stress level better.

I wish you nothing but the best, these are the best years of your life after all. Thanks for promising to come back and let us know how you're doing too.

[Hagen]

Thanks again

Are you a councilor my husband wants to write his story and it will be good for him to post on here before he goes to his doctor as it will be an impartial view kind of thing?

[talaniman]

I think that's an excellent idea, as long as he knows we can be harsh, but want to help him see that a change in the way he deals with his issues is for the better. I think he can gain some very good insights from posting on this forum.

[amicon]

I can only hope that this works out for your children's and your sake.Personally this sounds like a major case of manipulative behaviour on the part of your husbands.He throws you to the floor when you were pregnant?He grabs your face in anger when you are holding your baby-I would leave him on those two counts-but good luck I pray no more damage s done.I do voluntary work for a refuge sheltering abused women and your story is a classic.

[Hagen]

Amicon on a few occasions things have gone bad for us in 7 years but the rest of the time he has been there for me and been honest and a kind husband dedicated to only us.

I feel it is a bit harsh as I feel confident it has been lost and he is going through depression, he recognizes his damage and wants to make steps for the better, I have painted him a bully but actually I am a can be hard work too I did put him through allot when we met and quite frankly I was good at acting so the push wilst pregnant was alos him trying to push me off him iratically as I was irrational as he was working away about to leave for a contract leaving me atmums with the kids feeling upset, he had no choice and had to live in a poxy room for a contract and I was making it harder even though a choice was not there, he pushed me off and I fell but I do recall I helped my fall by being a floppy week silly woman crying and being stupid and shouting at him!

You need to hear his side, I am confident he wouldn't hit me as he loves us all so much and is a good person. I am upset he has become angry due to reasons beyond our control and I have been the vent, he knows this and is seeking help and has made the appointment so listen to him as sometimes we can really blame something to be saved and out of proportion, believe me if he was dangerous I wouldn't be with him and I would just walk. I just wanted some advice and I have had it,, he has just come in to help me bath the kids I love my family so I am not giving up if he is seeing a professional.

Thanks all x

[jham123]

OK, You told us he abuses you but now he is a great guy and we need to hear his side of things...

OK...

[Hagen]

Thanks for all your support I think I will close my account as I find some comments offensive.

What will be will be I am ready for all situations concerned our families are aware of our situation after my initial post and I feel the subject at hand now lies in his court with our local GP.

My first posting was shocking and I was at the point of leaving him, things need care and time I believe in forgiveness and I believe with help and time we will come through, if we don't at least we tried.

I put him down I raise him up I see why it is so black and white for you to feel I am a mug and believe everything he says, I am no push over I manged 300 men on contracts in the railway as a project manager and I know how to deal with @ss holes, but thanks for good feed back from most and no thanks for sarcastic idiots who do no help what so ever!

[jham123]

:rolleyes: