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WorkAlcoholic09 · Sep 17, 2009, 03:36 PM

Hello,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years (10 on March 2010). We have two beautiful children together. We are not married because he is not divorce "OFFICIAL". We have tried to file his divorce twice (two different County's) but to no avail. From time to time he would tell me he wants to marry me already, but it seems like empty words. We even consulted a attorney, but it was very expensive and not only that we have the proper paper works but still divorce has been denied.

Anyway, we work at my father's auto repair for years. That's how we meet in the first place. Our relationship is great, we would talk, enjoy spending time with the kids and sex is awesome. We rarely fight about things, even if we do argue it doesn't concern our relationship its my DAD. My boyfriend is a very hard worker. You won't hear any complaints from him. One time my dad went to a seminar for the weekend and the shop was super busy. He was in charge and taking care of busy. When my Dad arrived he started barking orders like their no tomorrow. I had talked to my Dad several times already. He states that I play favorite because I'm with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend says "your dad does not have any respect for me or what I do". How can you respond to that. Again, I highly stress that besides this issue our relationship is great. Please help me. I don't want to choose my boyfriend over my dad. I don't want to regret if I chose wrong.

justcurious55 · Sep 17, 2009, 03:52 PM

Do you work with them? If not, I'd stay neutral. You shouldn't have to choose. The only thing you should be saying is "i love you both and i don't want to be caught in the middle. you two need to work it out without me." they shouldn't be putting you in a position where you feel you need to say more than that. That's not fair to you.

Cat1864 · Sep 17, 2009, 03:58 PM

I am slightly confused. How were relations before your dad went to that seminar?

How well was your mate doing at keeping up with business? Is there some chance that your father is concerned about growing older and sees your mate as possibly taking his place?

If there is too much conflict, can your mate get a job somewhere else? Would that lessen the tension between them and keep you from being caught in the middle?

I wish · Sep 17, 2009, 04:56 PM

Not a good idea to date a co-worker. Even worse when a family member is the boss. There are too many conflict of interests at play.

If the only major problem in your relationship is your dad, then I strongly suggest that he go find another job. That would probably solve half your problems.

As for the divorce, he's just going to have to keep making an effort to file the divorce. Consult another attorney to get a second opinion if you have to.

WorkAlcoholic09 · Sep 17, 2009, 05:35 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

do you work with them? if not, i'd stay neutral. you shouldn't have to choose. the only thing you should be saying is "i love you both and i don't want to be caught in the middle. you two need to work it out without me." they shouldn't be putting you in a position where you feel you need to say more than that. that's not fair to you.

Thanks for the quick response. Unfortunately, yes I work with them. I handle the customer service and front desk work, and they do the auto repair in the back. I will definitely say that quote you had advice me. But they don't want to talk about anything like our relationship. I know my parents mean well when they constantly ask "When is he going to marry you?". To me were a both happy married or not. At this point if my dad and boyfriend keeps telling me that one needs to change and not the other I will need to choose a side. They communicate with me and not directly at each other.

WorkAlcoholic09 · Sep 17, 2009, 05:42 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I am slightly confused. How were relations before your dad went to that seminar?

How well was your mate doing at keeping up with business? Is there some chance that your father is concerned about growing older and sees your mate as possibly taking his place?

If there is too much conflict, can your mate get a job somewhere else? Would that lessen the tension between them and keep you from being caught in the middle?

I need to say this has been going on and off, even before the seminar. My boyfriend even helped him out with the engine presentation. MY boyfriend even told me that "Your Dad must be tired let him rest first before going back to work". We've been in business for years and he was my dad right wing man. My dad highly stressed that if he retires he want us (boyfriend and I) to take over and continue. At this rate Yes my boyfriend would need to look for another job, but he did tell me this is want he want and loves to do. And plus with the economy no one is hiring right now, especially in our profession. Thank you for taking the time to read my question.

justcurious55 · Sep 17, 2009, 05:53 PM

That's a sticky situation. I stand by my advice before though. Stand your ground and tell them that you do not want to be put in the middle and you will not let them make you be in the middle. They both love you, I'm sure. So maybe they don't realize the uncomfortable position they're putting you in. but I'm sure if you explained it to each of them they would come around, for your sake if nothing else. I hope they would anyway...

WorkAlcoholic09 · Sep 17, 2009, 06:01 PM

Originally Posted by I wish

Not a good idea to date a co-worker. Even worse when a family member is the boss. There are too many conflict of interests at play.

If the only major problem in your relationship is your dad, then I strongly suggest that he go find another job. That would probably solve half your problems.

As for the divorce, he's just going to have to keep making an effort to file the divorce. Consult another attorney to get a second opinion if you have to.

"Conflict of Interest" Me and my boyfriend work very well together. I give him instruction, he gets the work done. After that we leave any stress of work behind. And when we get home it feels like we didn't see one another for a day, even though we work. I told him if his getting sick and tired of seeing me. He just laughs and says "I can never get tired of you. I want you to be constantly close by". But when you put Dad in the picture things change. My dad constantly barks orders at him and my Uncle (my dad's brother). I even told my dad that "we are not just any regular employees, Were family". And we have feelings too. The work that my uncle and boyfriend is labor intensive. And not only that my Dad knows how hard it is to work as a mechanic. I think my Dad got a "big head" and just forgot how and where he came from. To my dad its always I. I diagnosed it (Even though my boyfriend did) or I replace the engine for you (even though my uncle had done the work). I told him theirs no I in TEAM. On the divorce if things go up in smoke I too need to make a decision if I should stay. I told myself too many times I will eventually choose a side but I think I choose me and my kids. Not my boyfriend and not my dad. Let me see what they think of that. Just leave a note for both of them saying " I took the children. If both of you cannot work things out I think all of us need to part ways". What do you think?

I wish · Sep 17, 2009, 06:06 PM

It's good that you put your children first. They are definitely your priority.

Giving them an ultimatum might not be the best idea. You're all adults. It's better if you all sit down and work out your issues one by one.

However, I too stand by my initial advice that there's a conflict of interest at your work place. Your boyfriend and your dad are going to clash a lot because your workplace can be a very heated environment. It's not going to be that easy to work out the issues. It's going to take more than just an ultimatum to work out all the issues.

I still think that it would be best if your boyfriend found employment elsewhere to reduce the tension between him and your dad. That way, when he actually does see your dad, it will be in a much more relaxed setting, such as family gatherings or just dinner together.

justcurious55 · Sep 17, 2009, 06:06 PM

Well, even though they are your kids, I think that legally that is still kidnapping. Not positive, but I think it might be.
But maybe it's the wake up call they need. The risk of losing you and their children/grandchildren may be enough of a shock to bring them to their senses and make them work things out.

talaniman · Sep 17, 2009, 06:11 PM

Go off on them both, and tell them to shove a battery up their a$$, and leave you out of the bickering.

My dear, if your worried about choosing one or the other after 9 freakin' years, Your relationship doesn't exist any way. Now stand up for yourself, and tell them to shut up, and get back to work. No getting caught between the boys at work.

Gemini54 · Sep 18, 2009, 03:03 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Go off on them both, and tell them to shove a battery up their a$$, and leave you out of the bickering.

My dear, if your worried about choosing one or the other after 9 freakin' years, Your relationship doesn't exist any way. Now stand up for yourself, and tell them to shut up, and get back to work. No getting caught between the boys at work.

I had to spread the rep Tal, but I really like this advice.

To the OP, you've been with your BF for 9 years. This sounds like a commitment. Why would you want to endanger this? You don't have to take sides - your BF and your children should be your priority, no question of sides.

You and your BF have good jobs and the chance to take on the business - why would you want to endanger this?

Let your BF and your father work it out for themselves. They are just trying to out-testosterone each other. No place for a woman in that!