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I wish · Oct 23, 2009, 06:27 AM

You can't blame yourself for the action of others. You control your own actions and the other person controls their actions.

You get to decide whether their actions suit you. If they don't suit you, you show them the door. If they suit you, then you can continue a healthy relationship.

destiny09 · Oct 23, 2009, 06:31 AM

I just can't believe after being caught once he carried on doing it but then wants to say his life has been made bad for exposing it. He mostly said it was bad because I treated him badly after. BUT his biggest main gripe is that he lost everything because of it... which is of course my fault

I wish · Oct 23, 2009, 06:34 AM

Originally Posted by destiny09

He mostly said it was bad because i treated him badly after. BUT his biggest main gripe is that he lost everything because of it.......which is of course my fault

Two wrongs don't make a right. Just because you treated him badly, doesn't mean he should cheat.

Maybe you could have treated him better, but that doesn't give him the excuse to cheat on you. Cheating is inappropriate nor matter how you see it. Again, he could have broken up with you first, which would be the more appropriate route. And he didn't take that route.

amicon · Oct 23, 2009, 06:39 AM

We all make choices that with hindsight may not have been wise.
That s how we learn about life and other people and what we don't want in our future relationships.
As for cheater number one he as everyone else is responsible for his own actions. Blaming somebody else is a cowards way.

destiny09 · Oct 23, 2009, 06:42 AM

No he never and I wish it had been different. So much damage could have been avoided if we hadn't stayed together after. I cnat change that now though

My proble is that he blamed me for what he lost... money, business, friends... manily the business

Cat1864 · Oct 23, 2009, 06:50 AM

Originally Posted by destiny09

which is of course my fault

No it isn't. He made choices in his own life that led him to where he is now.

He chose to get into a relationship with you.
He chose to get into a relationship with her.
He chose to try to keep both of you on a string (along with who knows how many others).
He chose to let his personal life interfere with his business.
He lost said business because he chose to think with his penis instead of his brain.
He chooses to blame everyone except the common denominator in the mess-HIMSELF.

Let him play victim. He sounds like he spent his childhood blaming his parents for taking away his toys when he was bad.

You have learned that if you find them cheating walk away. Why punish yourself by staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you?

You chose to learn and move on.

destiny09 · Oct 23, 2009, 07:10 AM

Learned so much from that relationship. For nearly a year he beat me mentally and emotionally with the blame of the situation.

I was young and stupid and let him do it because I loved him.

talaniman · Oct 23, 2009, 08:55 AM

Your threads were merged to avoid confusion.

Your not young, and stupid, nor was his cheating, getting caught, and kicked to the curb, and losing everything, your fault. It was the consequences of his own actions.

The devil got his just desserts, no matter who he blames, so don't feel bad for him at all.

destiny09 · Oct 23, 2009, 09:08 AM

Im not young and stupid anymore!

I don't feel bad anymore for it either. It's that even now a looooooooooooong time later and he still blames me. Its made me wonder if I was wrong for telling the other woman... I know I was wrong for staying with him... was I wrong for how I treated him... was it my fault he lost everything.

He will forever blame me

Cat1864 · Oct 23, 2009, 09:30 AM

Originally Posted by destiny09

Learned so much from that relationship. For nearly a year he beat me mentally and emotionally with the blame of the situation.

I was young and stupid and let him do it because i loved him.

So, why are you allowing him to continue to beat you mentally and emotionally?

As long as he continues to blame you and let him that abuse will continue.

The only thing that you should have done differently was get out when you found out about the other woman. However, staying is not something to blame yourself for. You realize now that you reacted badly, however, that is NOW and viewed with hind-sight. You are trying to blame yourself for being wounded and hurting. Why?

Everything else you have mentioned are his problems. I would almost bet that he was having business problems before his personal life blew up in his face. It is very hard to juggle two relationships and business without something suffering.

Yes, the other woman needed to know what was going on. You both needed to know to be able to get tested for STDs. If he is playing with both of you, more than likely there had been others at some point or another.

Stop carrying his baggage. Let him carry his own. Make him responsible for himself.

talaniman · Oct 23, 2009, 09:31 AM

But that's his problem, not yours. He is only blaming you to avoid responsibility for himself, and just because he blames you doesn't mean you have to take it.

Let this go right now and stop feeling bad because he is a moron, it just doesn't make sense holding on to those old dumb feelings, and beating yourself up about it. Now snap out of it and forget the loser, and his revenge tactics. He wants you to feel bad, so be better than that.

destiny09 · Oct 23, 2009, 10:05 AM

I don't feel bad anymore, I didn't even feel that bad at the time really because I new it wasn't me or my fault... I think what I'm trying to understand is why blame me so much... why not take responsibility for what he did.

It as good to hear though from an outside point of view that I'm not wrong in not taking the blame because as much as you can tell yourself at the time he wore me down and made me doubt my own mind... bearing all this in mind it was many years ago and while I have let it go he hasn't... but he isn't my problem or concern anymore

evette504 · Oct 24, 2009, 08:35 PM

You did the right thing to kick him out he tried his luck with you too much. Once a man see that you take him back after every thing he do he is going to think its okey to do it and you will keep taking him back he's going to mess over you and everyone fill like that after them break up but when someone else come and take you off your feet then you want worry about him any more. Don't take him back

destiny09 · Oct 27, 2009, 10:39 AM

I have been doing so well lately, really getting on with things and feeling better about myself then today, driving down the road, on the off chance see him... at the girls house I suspected him of cheating on me with... even though deep down I new it, its different when you see it and feel it, its really put me back by weeks.

Firstly if I even said anything to him, which I Won't, he would deny it anyway, even though he saw me and wow was his face a picture of OH MY GOD!!

And secondly how quickly he has moved on, he got over me quick! How could he do it, so much for me being his wife

I just can't believe what I saw

talaniman · Oct 27, 2009, 01:01 PM

Shocking when its up front and personal, but let it pass. Are you guys divorced or not. You do need to cut the ties that bind you, or you will never be truly free.

destiny09 · Oct 27, 2009, 02:18 PM

Divorce is expensive so not that wasy. We live separate lives, I'm changing my name back etc as we speak.

It is a real shock today, bought out some new anger in me. I keep asking why I'm angry though, were not together, he can do what he wants... so can I... but its upset me still

amicon · Oct 27, 2009, 04:56 PM

The anger and the hurt are understandable but his behaviour is consistent with his previous so you ve not reallyt learnt anything new.
Get that divorce as soon as you possibly can.

destiny09 · Oct 28, 2009, 01:27 AM

I come on here and read other peoples stories and can relate so well, I give some really good advice... I look at my situation from the outside and know what's right and wrong and who's bad for me etc and no what I should be doing, its never that easy to take your own advice though!

I feel stupid for still caring for this man who has hurt me so much, I am angry with myself for not being over it yet, how do you put that love away and get rid of those feelings?

I hate feeling like this, it drags me down.

I am angry as well because I was picking myself up and feeling good and I can feel myself slipping back down again

amicon · Oct 28, 2009, 01:42 AM

You ve had a temporary setback because you saw him once again for the weak and dishonest person he is.
Also feelings don't go away immediately never mind how awful the ex was/is.
Recovery is a journey back to health it takes some time, sometimes we backtrack but as the days add up it gets easier.
You re doing fine.