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simple11 · Sep 17, 2009, 12:20 AM

Thanks gemini.ok the wife calls him at 5 in the morning,talk down to him,tells him about all the house work she has to do.they're separated what can he do for her?call anytime of the day to abuse him and he lets her.when she wants more money she calls him and come up with 'oh you don't care for your son anymore?then he will feel bad,he gives her more than child support.we have him from fri until sat and sundays sometimes.I

Cat1864 · Sep 17, 2009, 05:19 AM

Originally Posted by simple11

then he will feel bad,he gives her more than child support.we have him from fri til sat and sundays sometimes.i

Is there a legal separation and court ordered child support and visitation? Are lawyers even involved, yet?

If you are trying to get help for him, that won't work. He has to be the one to say enough is enough and set boundaries that he keeps. Unless you are living with him, then her 5 am calls are not your business. If he tries to complain to you about them, let him know you don't want to hear about it. He is the one answering the phone.

You have been with this guy for how long?

How is your own divorce going? How much of that "drama" is coloring your perception of his relationship with his ex?

I wish · Sep 17, 2009, 07:16 AM

Had to spread rep Cat1964.

It's up to him to sort things out with his ex wife. You can't force him to do anything. He does have options, so it's only whether he wants to exercise his options.

You have to understand that he's not divorced from his wife yet. So he comes into this relationship with you with A LOT of baggage. If he lets his wife call him anytime of the day, it means he still has a connection with her.

It's YOU who decided to give this relationship a chance, when you should be giving him space to sort out his problems from his last relationship before jumping into the next relationship.

Alty · Sep 17, 2009, 02:29 PM

Originally Posted by simple11

if all of u are up for dramas well u girls have dramas then.have u been in my situation?obviously not...no ideas at all.if been there come back here and u can go on with ur dramas...

Stop with the chat speak, we're all grown ups here and we type complete words and sentences.

It's against the rules of this site to use chat speak or text talk or whatever this "u" etc. stuff is.

It's

You, not u.
Your, not your.

Use the best English you're capable of.

Gemini54 · Sep 17, 2009, 02:55 PM

Originally Posted by simple11

thanks gemini.ok the wife calls him at 5 in the morning,talk down to him,tells him about all the house work she has to do.they're separated what can he do for her?call anytime of the day to abuse him and he lets her.when she wants more money she calls him and come up with 'oh u dont care for ur son anymore?then he will feel bad,he gives her more than child support.we have him from fri til sat and sundays sometimes.i

Look, as I said, HE has to deal with her. Best thing for you to do? Don't get involved. They are only dramas if you allow them to be.

Regarding the early morning phone or persistent calls? Pull the phone out of the wall or put it on silent. Speak to your BF about managing his contact with the Ex, what does he want - for her to be harassing him for the rest of his life?

Trust me, I've been there (still am) and I speak from experience.

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide if you can stand it. I stayed because my husband and I worked on it together and it brought us closer together. You may be different.

simple11 · Sep 17, 2009, 08:29 PM

First of all I don't have a problem with his son.the child comes first of course,the child is not the problem it is the mother.she manipulates him and he lets her.she would call at 5 am to complain about house work she needs to do.if she wants more money she uses the son and things like oh you don't care for your son anymore.he sives more than the child support rate.he pays for all the loans she wouldn't even help,like credit cards that they used for furniture,he did get a thing from their place and he is paying for it,I reckon if she doesn't want to pay for some of it he should have some of it or divide it since he is the one who is paying.there is another man living there already and its OK for him to still do that,he might as well send them to o for a holiday!

ohsohappy · Sep 17, 2009, 08:37 PM

She's ridiculous.

Cat1864 · Sep 17, 2009, 08:55 PM

Originally Posted by simple11

first of all i dont have a problem with his son.the child comes first ofcourse,the child is not the problem it is the mother.she manipulates him and he lets her.she would call at 5 am to complain about house work she needs to do.if she wants more money she uses the son and things like oh you dont care for your son anymore.he sives more than the child support rate.he pays for all the loans she wouldnt even help,like credit cards that they used for furniture,he did get a thing from their place and he is paying for it,i reckon if she doesnt want to pay for some of it he should have some of it or divide it since he is the one who is paying.there is another man living there already and its ok for him to still do that,he might as well send them to o for a holiday!

Have they started divorce proceedings? Do they even have lawyers involved? Is there a court order for child support and visitation?

Is his name on those credit cards and loans? Then he is protecting himself and his credit.

The division of property should take place with representation for both of them present.

You can give him moral support, but the rest is up to him.

Gemini54 · Sep 18, 2009, 12:13 AM

Originally Posted by simple11

first of all i dont have a problem with his son.the child comes first ofcourse,the child is not the problem it is the mother.she manipulates him and he lets her.she would call at 5 am to complain about house work she needs to do.if she wants more money she uses the son and things like oh you dont care for your son anymore.he sives more than the child support rate.he pays for all the loans she wouldnt even help,like credit cards that they used for furniture,he did get a thing from their place and he is paying for it,i reckon if she doesnt want to pay for some of it he should have some of it or divide it since he is the one who is paying.there is another man living there already and its ok for him to still do that,he might as well send them to o for a holiday!

This is not your business. You are creating more of a problem by making her the problem. How they divide their assets in between them, even if it seems unfair to you.

If you are going to be helpful, why don't you suggest he see a solicitor or seek legal aid?

Jake2008 · Sep 18, 2009, 01:24 AM

It sounds like you jumped into a live-in relationship, before the last relationships were over.

Without the structure of boudaries and what each of the four adults in the picture can expect, it is a free for all, and the children are stuck in the middle.

Your resentment toward your boyfriend for not having balls, and your resentment to his ex's boyfriend for using the furniture that your boyfriend is paying for, and your resentment toward your boyfriends ex for pretty much everything that she does, really adds up to a lot of resentment don't you think?

Unless you have wings and a halo, you will surely have resentment toward his son as well, especially if it invades your time and does not suit you to have him over.

I don't know why you would have him living with you, and wonder why you didn't wait until he had his business sorted out first. You sound very naïve to me.

Either way, ease up a bit on him, worry less about the material things he has to take care of, and keep your opinions about his ex to yourself. It isn't helpful for him, or his child, or your relationship.

simple11 · Sep 18, 2009, 04:24 AM

First of all I think all of you got me wrong I don't have a problem with his sn,I accepted him from the beginning because he is part of my boyfriend.it is the wife she manipulates him and he lets her.she would call at 5 am,early in the morning because she is complaining about the house work she needs to do,she ask for more money when my boyfriend already pays her more than what he is suppose to and she will say something like'oh you don't care for your son anymore.he pays for their loans and credit cards ,they used credit cards to buy new furniture and now he is paying for everything still while she has everything at her house while her new boyfriend lives there with her,she is so thick!

Cat1864 · Sep 18, 2009, 05:21 AM

Simple, all of that is for them and their divorce lawyers to work out. Just as you and your ex are working through cleaning up the mess of your own marriage.

You can't control their actions and reactions. You can only control your own.

You talked about having too much drama in your life to deal with his drama. Don't deal with his drama. Let him deal with it. If he is complaining, direct him to the listings for lawyers and the divorce court.

If he is living in the same house as you are, then give up on the idea of having him "ask" to bring his son over on the extra visitation days.

For the sake every child in that household, please accept that you need to let some of the drama go. You may not have a problem with the child, but how you talk about his mother and discuss the relationship with his father will cause him problems. Remember even if he isn't in the house hearing it. Your children are and children talk, tease, and taunt even when they don't mean to.

simple11 · Sep 19, 2009, 03:27 AM

I have dealt with my dramas,I have an arrangements with my ex no more no less,I don't ask for more.he also has a life to live for and so am i.but we both do our best for our kids.
The whole 5am call?well the phone would not stop vibrating till he answers it.
I believe that once it is over,it is over and move on,cut the crap
And yes everything is on his name and he is paying for everything for his ex and her boyfriends convenient,it is not fair.she won't even split things up.
I know I jumped into a relationship way too fast,tha's bcoz I fell imlove with him
I am putting up with all of this dramas because I know he loves me,I just don't think he has the balls to sort things out with her...

zippit · Sep 19, 2009, 04:27 AM

Well you can't have the balls for him!

And anything you try to do to control him is only going to cause drama

You sound like you put yourself first,your boyfriend second,and the kids last on your priority list

When it should be
Your kids
His son
Yourself
Then him.

Get out of his head and his past relationship and concentrate on your own priorites.

Cat1864 · Sep 19, 2009, 04:31 AM

Originally Posted by simple11

i just don't think he has the balls to sort things out with her...

That's what the lawyer is for.

simple11 · Sep 19, 2009, 06:51 AM

How could you judge me like that?do you have any idea?how could you say I put my kids last?mon to fri I take them to school rush to work work all day pick them up from someone,come home cook dinner sit with them to do their homeworks,by 11 pm still in my uniform ironing their uniform for the next day,I work my arse off for my kids... weekends I still take them out before thinking of having a rest,you have no idea...

redhed35 · Sep 19, 2009, 07:03 AM

I'm trying to be objective here.

I have been where you are,as have many divorced women and men.

If you break it down... you are a couple,he has things to work out with his ex,let him do that... stay out of it!
Its not your business,turn off the phone at night!

Let him talk about it if he wants too...

If you think he does not have the balls to stand up to her.. then you love a man who you think has no balls!

Give yourself and him a break...

Let him worry about his own mess and let her do whatever she wants,you can't control it.

Put up,or end it..

Then that will be the end if it.
No more drama.

Cat1864 · Sep 19, 2009, 07:06 AM

Originally Posted by simple11

how could you judge me like that?do you have any idea?how could you say i put my kids last?mon to fri i take them to school rush to work work all day pick them up from someone,come home cook dinner sit with them to do their homeworks,by 11 pm still in my uniform ironing their uniform for the next day,i work my arse off for my kids...weekends i still take them out before thinking of having a rest,you have no idea...

That is the most you have said about your children. Most of what you have written is about your boyfriend and his ex as though their relationship is all you think about.

Think about how many people do put their intimate relationship before their parental one and you can see how reading your posts one might think that about you.

zippit · Sep 19, 2009, 07:21 AM

That's what I wanted to hear

I wasn't judging you just trying to get a feel for where your heads at

simple11 · Sep 19, 2009, 07:56 AM

Well I did not say much about my children here because I know exactly what I am doing for them,my children are not the issue here,we are talking about my relationship with my boyfriend.I know what I'm doing with my kids I have thought about that since I got separated with my ex husband and from the day we separated it was only what is best and what I should do for my kids is all I can think of.
Yes maybe my boyfriend does not have balls I have talked to him,told him that he needs to deal with it.
And you know what my kids are happy and doing very well at school.so I'm not doing bad at all.I know a lot of woman out there go wild once they are over a relationship,as far as I am concern,my conscience are clean when it comes to my children