[may162009]

For years my husband 6 years younger then me wanted to spice up our sex life (not our love life) with a 3some, well I teased him for his 40th birthday I would do that. 40th came and went in February 2009. By May 2009 he found out I was having an affair. Now instead of working on our relationship he wants me to make good on my promise to have a 3some. I'm not apposed to it except I think we should be good first. My affair ended 4 months ago.

[h_leann_b]

I think before you bring someone else in, you need to work on the issues you may have. Having another person in the mix is just going to make things more complicated.

And you should talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that you may be more open to it in the future, but you are working on patching up your relationship. Communication is key!

[may162009]

I think before you bring someone else in, you need to work on the issues you may have. Having another person in the mix is just going to make things more complicated.

And you should talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that you may be more open to it in the future, but you are working on patching up your relationship. Communication is key!

I did tell him that very think. I think we need to fix us first. He doesn't agree.

[Justwantfair]

Are you going to counseling?

Your relationship is already on a very rocky foundation, if any, a three-some experience is the last thing that this marriage will ever need, even if you can find your way back to a healthy relationship.

[smoothy]

That's going to be a tough one. Is he one of the give them an inch and they take a foot types? I mean as a guy it MIGHT be seen as an act of attrition, but then it might just be a get even ploy... in that respect, the fix us first thing might be best.

[Synnen]

IF you bring another person into the bedroom (which, by the way, you've done, even if you didn't bring that other person in at the same time your husband was there), without ABSOLUTE trust and honesty, it WILL destroy the relationship.

Having a threesome now is probably the worst thing you could do.

However, if you're not in counseling together to get over you cheating, then you may as well just have a threesome--because your relationship has ALREADY lost the trust and honesty--YOU threw it out the door. And having a threesome would be the final hurrah before you kissed the relationship goodbye.

[may162009]

Are you going to counseling?

Your relationship is already on a very rocky foundation, if any, a three-some experience is the last thing that this marriage will ever need, even if you can find your way back to a healthy relationship.

We did the counseling thing. He was so stubburn and angry the counselor could never get through to discuss issues. The 3some thing was never brought up in counseling. He told me not to bring up those things. You know why? Because he's wrong in holding that against me in order to fix some of this I need to make good on my promise/teasing about doing it in the first place. We had even once discussed swinging, but now that I've had my quota of (*****) I can't have that. So he's the one now who wants to get his rocks off and wants me to watch. I've told him to go for it and then he says its not the same since it wouldn't be behind my back.

[Synnen]

We did the counseling thing. He was so stubburn and angry the counselor could never get thru to discuss issues. The 3some thing was never brought up in counseling. He told me not to bring up those things. You know why? Because he's wrong in holding that against me in order to fix some of this I need to make good on my promise/teasing about doing it in the first place. We had even once discussed swinging, but now that I've had my quota of (*****) I can't have that. So he's the one now who wants to get his rocks off and wants me to watch. I've told him to go for it and then he says its not the same since it wouldn't be behind my back.

In that case----get a good divorce lawyer.

[Catsmine]

Please tell us your kids are out of the house or nonexistant. Please?

This relationship is dead. You two can continue to play appeasement and punishment games for a while if you want to, just to give it a grand send off, but bury it.

[may162009]

Please tell us your kids are out of the house or nonexistant. Please?

This relationship is dead. You two can continue to play appeasement and punishment games for a while if you want to, just to give it a grand send off, but bury it.

Daughter is 16 and would not be home. I have not conceded to his request.

[Justwantfair]

The point was your relationship is dysfunctional and toxic.

Time to cut your losses and try a healthy life alone.

[bronzebabe]

What he is thinking is that you should give in and let him have sex with someone else, like you did. This way, it will make him feel he got "revenge".
The real issue is that you had an affair, so you obviously were not happy.
If you go back to couseling, DO bring up the three-some. Have the counsellor talk about it.
I think this relationship is in Dire need of therapy.

[Cat1864]

Quite frankly, there are some fantasies that I believe should be left as fantasies to be shared only by the couple for their pleasure.

I find it interesting that you want to work on your marriage now after your affair blew up in your face.

As long as he is angry, he isn't going to listen to you. He wants to punish you and seems to be doing a good job at it. Not only that but now he probably feels like he has a means to make you do what he wants.

You can either give in to the emotional blackmail.
Go through with it because you want to as much as he does.
Don't go through with it and see what happens.
Leave the marriage and start over.

With any of those choices I recommend counseling for all of you including your daughter who probably knows more about what is going on than you do. Teens have a habit of finding things out. Especially what you don't want them to know.

[may162009]

What he is thinking is that you should give in and let him have sex with someone else, like you did. This way, it will make him feel he got "revenge".
The real issue is that you had an affair, so you obviously were not happy.
If you go back to couseling, DO bring up the three-some. Have the counsellor talk about it.
I think this relationship is in Dire need of therapy.

He has said to me he wants to even the playing field and party like a rockstar, feel the passion I did. He keeps saying things like I didn't party in my 20's now its his turn. I think he's going through mid-life and blaming what I did for it by using it as an excuse to be a dumbass.

We do need to get back into counseling but I think it should be with a man. The woman we were seeing was a wimp. I liked her but she was too nice, he needed to be stepped on and she couldn't do it. I think she felt threatened. She herself would say I need to feel like I'm safe to talk about stuff, she saw and felt his anger in therapy and knew I couldn't talk about stuff and feel safe. Although he would never lay a hand on me I did feel cornered at times.

He has said my feelings don't count now its all about me. (meaning him)
He's so stubborn.

[may162009]

Quite frankly, there are some fantasies that I believe should be left as fantasies to be shared only by the couple for their pleasure.

I find it interesting that you want to work on your marriage now after your affair blew up in your face.

As long as he is angry, he isn't going to listen to you. He wants to punish you and seems to be doing a good job at it. Not only that but now he probably feels like he has a means to make you do what he wants.

You can either give in to the emotional blackmail.
Go through with it because you want to as much as he does.
Don't go through with it and see what happens.
Leave the marriage and start over.

With any of those choices I recommend counseling for all of you including your daughter who probably knows more about what is going on than you do. Teens have a habit of finding things out. Especially what you don't want them to know.

He claims he is going to treat me like a marine and break me down and see if I run. He says I should take what ever he has to dish out since I hurt him so bad. You know he treated me like I didn't matter before my affair, now its 10x worse. No appreciation for what I do. I know appreciation and gratitude go both ways in a marriage. We are now 4 months post affair outting, about 3 months ago, he actually said to me "what do you do that I should appreciate you for", hmmmm, lets see. I have worked f/t for 20 years at the same company bring in good salary, cook, clean, mow grass, garden, help cut trees down, raise our daughter (he worked nights mostly), support his street rod hobbie and all that goes with that. Etc, etc. No thanks no appreciation BS man.

[Synnen]

Then leave.

You're not happy, HE isn't happy, and I'll bet you dollars to donuts your daughter isn't happy.

So get a good divorce lawyer and get out.

[smoothy]

He claims he is going to treat me like a marine and break me down and see if I run. He says I should take what ever he has to dish out since I hurt him so bad. You know he treated me like I didn't matter before my affair, now its 10x worse. No appreciation for what I do. I know appreciation and gratitude go both ways in a marriage. We are now 4 months post affair outting, about 3 months ago, he actually said to me "what do you do that I should appreciate you for", hmmmm, lets see. I have worked f/t for 20 years at the same company bring in good salary, cook, clean, mow grass, garden, help cut trees down, raise our daughter (he worked nights mostly), support his street rod hobbie and all that goes with that. etc, etc. No thanks no appreciation BS man.

With this part said... I think its beyond saving... because it would take a monumental improvement just to get back to acceptable. Regardless of what happened... one spouse should never treat the other spouse like a pariah.

[Cat1864]

He claims he is going to treat me like a marine and break me down and see if I run. He says I should take what ever he has to dish out since I hurt him so bad. You know he treated me like I didn't matter before my affair, now its 10x worse. No appreciation for what I do. I know appreciation and gratitude go both ways in a marriage. We are now 4 months post affair outting, about 3 months ago, he actually said to me "what do you do that I should appreciate you for", hmmmm, lets see. I have worked f/t for 20 years at the same company bring in good salary, cook, clean, mow grass, garden, help cut trees down, raise our daughter (he worked nights mostly), support his street rod hobbie and all that goes with that. etc, etc. No thanks no appreciation BS man.

Why are you staying?

So far, all I have read are reasons to leave. That includes any excuses for having the affair.

Please don't give me the excuse that it is because of your daughter.

[may162009]

Why are you staying?

So far, all I have read are reasons to leave. That includes any excuses for having the affair.

Please don't give me the excuse that it is because of your daughter.

I know all the reasons for leaving are right in front of me. I think deep down I know he won't change the way he feels. He's very tunnel vision right now about the affair, that's all he sees. My daughter actually has grown to the idea that I should leave and I think she'd be all right about it. I'm not up for staying for the children unless they are very little. But she is 16 and will be okay.
I do think I need to give more time, but what I don't know is how much and why should I keep being punished. I have admitted to my mistake, asked for forgiveness. I'm not saying I'm sorry anymore.

[asking]

What part of "get a divorce lawyer" do you not understand? This is the most cut-and-dried case of "time for divorce" I've ever seen on this list. Time to move on. One of you needs to leave the house. --unless you actually enjoy this endless bickering and sniping at each other about who is a worse person. I'll take your word that he is worse. Seriously. But now what?

I'm not up for staying for the children unless they are very little. But she is 16 and will be okay.

You should leave BUT teens are quite vulnerable to divorce. It comes at a time when they are supposed to be establishing their own independence and the disintegration of both the marriage and the family home makes that much harder. Your daughter will need support from someone. If not you, a warm and patient counselor.

I do think I need to give more time, but what I don't know is how much and why should I keep being punished. I have admitted to my mistake, asked for forgiveness. I'm not saying I'm sorry anymore.

Okay. So why do you need more time? What are you waiting for? Are you that attached to him? Find an attorney who knows his or her stuff, stop worrying about who to have sex with next, and start planning a calm and well-organized divorce that includes extensive emotional support and consistent structure for your daughter.