[amicon]

You've reached the state of insight which is great you can only move on and heal now-dont blame yourself,you loved unwisely as it turned out, but you know you have the capacity to love when you meet the right woman.

[Terry MJ Carter]

My heart melt.
Last Thursday I told her that I'll date brunette at work maybe that will help her on her side to fight these talks going on at work, she said yeah!
She called me minutes ago, she was talking to me as if nothing ever happened. She told me that he boyfriend and her FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW told her to her to come at his place on Tuesday to clear the misunderstandings perhaps etc, and she's going to call me a last time to let me know what happened.. She was keeping on asking me what I told that girl she was ready to date me in one day's time. I not those kind of guys to date any kind of girls (as till now I ignored all the girls for her, to get her love). Stating that my behavior changed, I'm talking to her rudely etc. 'i need to change, live for myself now' smashed that on her face! Again with her sweet talks she told me 'I told you to quit smoking, won't you quit it?', because I did told her once that I quit smoking for her sake but now that doesn't really matter!
Told her that the reason I told you to stop calling is that I don't want to get hurt more I want to erase you and everything thing that will reminds me of you from my life..
She was bouncing me on every time I told her this. You love your man and he does too so, go ahead girl, wish you all prosperity and all that stuffs. Again she bounced on me, then she hung up, again she called me, she told me not do and say anything that will worsen things for her when I going to meet that girl later on today as she's her sister-in-law's best friend, that why she called again. Told her the same, she was kind of irritated each time I said this to her. Told me that I encouraged her till now to fight, to remove that tag on US and now I'm backing off, I'm not the only one who got hurt. I don't care what people say, see me as because I'll be quitting this job soon. I told her 'what do you want me to do, I don't want to get hurt more'. Kept on telling her all that stuffs, she said she shouldn't have even called me. Yeah you shouldn't ! That's the last time. She told me 'what you going to do when you face me at work, you're going to turn your face? ', told her if it needs to be done then yeah. She was yelling over me and before she hung up on my face again, I told her, the least I expected is that one day you will tell me that you love me too. 'you know it's impossible Terry' that's what she told me.. It broke me. But I felt relieved, it's all going good.
She only used me, played me as much I did let her but now IT'S ALL OVER DUDE, that's what I told myself.
Courage, courage all I need, I need to be a stone hearted man now..
Now she feels it, how much it hurts.

But still I need... to overcome all these...

[amicon]

Terry-dont pick up if she calls you again. She's a witch-and now she feels deprived of her toy. Avoid her at work-and I hope you ll be leaving there real soon so you can start complete NC.
Good luck.

[Cat1864]

Terry, it isn't going to be easy and you're going to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster from a horror flick, but you can get through this and heal. Give yourself time and work on those resources that help keep you strong and the down moments will even out.

I hope you have given up the idea of 'dating the brunette at work' for any reason. You don't need more drama at work and you don't want to use the other woman as a tool to help the Drama Queen (DQ) or to get over her. Not fair to either of you.

As has been said, No Contact in any form or fashion that includes answering her calls. If she calls, ignore her if you recognize the number or, if she uses an unknown number, feel free to hang up on her. You have told her not to contact you so she can expect rudeness if she is going to be rude and call you. At work is the only place that you have to be polite and talk to her only for purposes of getting the job done. Don't even think about protecting her in any way. She isn't.

Good luck on leaving this job and getting a new one. I think that may be one of your better moves so far.

[Jake2008]

Cat is right about dating the brunette at work, don't do it. You know where it will lead, and that is straight down the drama path to the school of, I Should Not Have Done That, where you will be repeating classes on, How To Let The Ex Go, 101.

While you keep this continuous ball of emotions going with the woman who is now engaged and clearly into it, you have not yet realized that she is no longer available, even if she doesn't get it herself. She chooses to keep playing you, and you keep jumping.

Not to mention that dating the brunette is using her to get at the other one. That is not fair to the brunette, and you know darn well that that tactic is going to keep the toxic ball rolling and rolling along.

Your displaced anger on the one you really want, is innapropriate. If you need to 'show her' that you are 'over' her, actions speak louder than words. By your actions, clearly this whole thing is to get her goat. And for what purpose- revenge? To get her back? To make you feel better?

You have to sever the connection- permanently, both physically with all the drama on the phone, and emotionally, by finding other ways to deal with your emotions. Get out there, get to the gym, do something useful with your time and energy.

[Gemini54]

Terry, you've got some really, really good advice on this site. In order for you to move on - and you must if you want to heal, grow and learn from this experience - you need to focus on applying some of the advice to your relationship with the vampire.

I suggest that as much as possible, you need to focus on the process of going no contact:

1. Stop speaking to her and justifying your actions. No calls, no texts, no emails, no smoke signals, no carrier pigeons. Write a list of all the reasons the vampire's NOT good for you and keep a copy on your desk at work and near the phone at home.

2. No meetings or interactions with the vampire (if you can help it). You need to change your job, start the process of doing this, start looking for work and talking to your networks about it.

3. Don't ask, don't tell. Ask your friends, and work associates not to tell you news of the vampire or act as her intermediary. Explain that you prefer not to hear about her. Tell them that for the time being, you don't want to know what the vampire's doing, when the wedding is, or what her Facebook status is, etc.

4. Don't bait the vampire about who you're going out with or not. And, don't date 'the brunette' at work. Firstly it's disrespectful to the poor brunette (she's doesn't even have a name!) and secondly you're setting yourself up again by trying to get back at the vampire.

5. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Pack away photos, gifts, notes, etc. that remind you of the vampire - burn them.

6. Get a new job and delete the vampire from your life. Delete her name and number from your phones. Delete her email addresses. Delete her from MySpace, Facebook, and every other website on which you're currently connected. Block her incoming numbers, texts and emails. Block any of her family's numbers. Do not answer calls from unknown or private callers.

7. Avoid alcohol and other inhibition reducing substances. Drinking and dialing is generally always a big mistake. You don't want to let the vampire back into your thoughts because you had one too many beers.

8. Reconnect with yourself, your family, your friends and your life. Get in touch with the people you weren't seeing because you were so obsessed with the vampire. Start doing the things you used to enjoy. Pursue your interests again. Make a commitment to exercise/working out.

The goal is to stop this obsessive relationship and focus on making yourself healthy and strong in body, spirit and mind. If you need to, print out all of the posts on this thread, keep them near you bed - read them before you got to bed at night to reinforce to yourself the absolute necessity to break the unhealthy nexus between yourself and the vampire.

[Terry MJ Carter]

Thanks at lot Jake, Cat, amicon, paxe, taliman, Gemini and all.. All your advices have been of great help. You've shouldered me a lot during these past months.
That's the least that anyone would have expected, a dead came alive. So much courage, I only lack words. I don't care what her reaction might be, how she'd feel as till now she didn't care for me, did for me.
Her sweet talks, thoughts still hurt me a lot, but I need to move on. It's going to hurt but when I'm healed I'll tell myself 'how could you be so stupid Terry'. That's true..

Thank you again..

[Terry MJ Carter]

Hi people...
I left the job but I didn't go nc with her...
We fought several times after this...
I've got cancer, she was the first person I looked for but ineeded to plead her only to talk to her for afew moments.. it was on new year's eve...

on the 5th of Jnuary I lef the company as my health was deteriorating...

I met her 3 days later, we had sex that day but still she wouldn't want to hold ma hand...

Her father got admitted to the city mental asylum.. both her and her momma told me to come along with them to see him.. I went... her father was looking for her ex... he calls her everyday to enquire about her father..

U know the rest of the story.. again I pleaded her to hold m hand forever...

BLA BLA BLA...

Today my photos got approved.. I'm posing for Armani Jeans...

called her to announce the good news but in her talks oi asked her if her ex still calls her... she said yeah..

asked her if she calls him too..
she said yeah at times yeah I do call him... (without any particular reason)

Why should you call him when your father already got discharged..

OMG.. I don't know..
I sent her a text telling her all that stuffs; I loved u valued you bla bla bla...

man now really I feel like I don't need her... she only cares for herself...
she a real witch!!

[Cat1864]

I am glad that life for the most part seems to be going well for you. Good luck in the new job. :)

[MsMewiththat]

Terry, I am sorry to hear about your cancer. I wish you the best with your battle, stay strong. It is important that you keep your mind strong and your body strong... which is all the reason to leave the drama behind. Concentrate on you

[Gemini54]

Terry, you've already got so many challenges in your life.

Why do you keep going back to this toxicity that you don't need?

Let her go - I can absolutely assure you that your life will be much, much better without her in it, or her in your thoughts.

Focus on what sounds like a very promising career.

Take care, and be kind to yourself.