[Kathryn Bouvier]

My niece and I are very close in age. My husband (who is the youngest) and his brothers range 20 years. My oldest brother-in-law is older than my mother. My nieces and nephews are all of my generation.

When I got married I thought I was marrying into a large family. My niece was one of my bridesmaids. She also is the godmother to my oldest son. I have included her (and she has attended) every baptism, birthday, Thanksgiving, special occasion, family get-together that I have ever had.

I recently had a baby and my niece was in attendance to my daughter’s baptism this past May and also my son's First Communion. We have always gotten along. She had a baby this past July and is having his baptism on September 20th.

We have not, as of yet, been formally invited to attend. What should I do? I am deeply hurt by this. My mother-in-law, who has been formally invited, told me when I asked her what I should do that I should not say or do anything, let it slide, and to not let it ruin my relationship with my niece and to continue to invite her to my functions. I am having Thanksgiving this year.

I am confused as to what I should do. I was so excited when my niece had her baby since our children will be attending the same schools and church. I thought that our shared motherhood would ultimately bring us closer together.

Other than my husband and children, I have no family of my own within 1000 miles. My only married sister lives in Africa and has said that she has no plans on having children. My other niece (of a different brother of my husbands and who lives 70 miles away) has included us in her 2 daughters’ baptisms and birthdays.

I so want to love my niece and her little boy. I feel that the omission of an invitation to the baptism precedes other omissions to not only the birthdays and special occasions of her son, but also setting a precedent for her 3 younger siblings no to include us in their children's lives.

I so want to handle this the right way, but have been swallowing a lot of hurt feelings. Am I wrong for wanting my family to be included in my new nephew's milestones? Am I wrong for feeling hurt? What should I do, if anything?

Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.
-Kathryn

[Gemini54]

I don't think that you are wrong for being hurt, but I wonder if there is something else going on here?

Is the relationship with your niece friendly? Do you think she comes to your family events willingly, or out of a sense of obligation? Do you see each other apart from the family events? Do you think she feels close to you?

It sounds as if you have different expectations from your relationship with each other - yours is based on a need for connection to close family, hers could be quite different.

I think that you should speak with her. Perhaps invite her out for a coffee with the new baby and be totally honest without being accusatory or blaming. Simply say that you had hoped she would invite you to the Baptism and were wondering why you hadn't received an invitation.

I don't necessarily agree that you should keep quiet. But it is up to you. It may fester and you'll feel resentful. Simply ask her - you may not like the answer you get, or it may simply be an oversight - at least you will know.

Alternatively, you could ask your MIL to ask her as she is a direct relation.

[triste]

You could always let your niece know that you would like to send a baptism gift to her child and ask what she thinks would be best. It might open the door to an honest discussion of why you were not invited.

[JudyKayTee]

What would I do? I'd call and ask her if I did something to offend her, if there is some issue.

Maybe it's a mistake; maybe it's deliberate. The only way to find out is to ask.

[s2tp]

Could you invite her over for lunch or dinner one day- just make it a casual thing and bring the conversation around to the subject?

I think that would make it so your not being direct or anything and see if she maybe forgot or just assumes you are invited?

[J_9]

Guess what... the event is over and the OP hasn't returned. Please check your dates when responding.