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seeker2 · Oct 26, 2006, 09:53 PM

I have been very serious with my boyfriend for close to two years now. We have lived with one another for a year and half. The past 3 months he has seemed less interested romanticaly and phsyically with me. He has been working long hours and is under stress. I understand that can lower sex drives. We have talked about this and he says that it is not me. However he does look at porn sites. Doesn't this tell me that it must be me, if he has enough desires to look at the sites? Help, I hurt so much. I do love this man, but I am afraid I don't interest him. Could I be wrong with my conclusion?

imation · Oct 26, 2006, 10:37 PM

I guess without knowing what sort of relationship you have, any advice I could give you is limited... I think as with any relationship, the key is communication. I know you've said you've talked to him,but maybe it's a matter of asking the right questions?
Find out why he's been looking at porn, find out if he still finds you sexually attractive.
But most importantly make sure both of you feel that you can tell the other anything and everything.
I hope I was of at least a litle help
Goodluck

Krs · Oct 27, 2006, 12:21 AM

How about when he comes in from work, don't give him the chance to look at porn sites, but prepare a nice hot bath for him to relax and when he is done, pleasure him give him a massage and take control, don't force him but take it nice and slow, see how he likes that ;)

talaniman · Oct 27, 2006, 05:16 AM

Don't always assume that every little change is about you and ALL young guys are curious about porn. As a relationship moves on it grows and sex, though important takes a position behind other important things in life. SECRET: Guys need wind down time after work. This is to make the transition from worker to human. I don't know if you work or not or have kids but don't just be waiting for him to get home so you can do things together, sounds good to you but like a boss to him. Talk and dicuss no begging or ultimatums.

s_cianci · Oct 27, 2006, 06:29 PM

I think you've very legitimately identified a huge red flag here. Looking at porn and not being interested in you are not good signs. Tell him the porn is off limits, once and for all. If he won't give it up, then you move out and end things and don't come back until he undergoes extensive therapy to deal with whatever underlying issues he's dealing with. If he does give it up, see if his interest comes back. If it doesn't, then you'll have to proceed with the same course of action ; move out and end it and don't go back until if and when he deals with his issues. You shouldn't have to spend your life waiting in the wings. That's not fair to you.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 27, 2006, 07:56 PM

I'm with Tal in that both parts (drop in interest and porn viewing) could be for a variety of reasons-- some good, some not. Heck, even I've looked at porn. :eek: It was, errrmm :o very educational at a time when I needed educating and also I have used it as a means for increasing libido. I know, funny to hear this from a GIRL and an older one at that! :p It did make for a bunch of interesting conversation with my hubby too. LOL

Whenever there is some question about confusing behaviors, I suggest candid but compassionate conversation until both people feel understood. This means gentle tone and lots of care expressed for all three parts of the relationship: her, him and us. And no blame or anger! It means lots of "I" statements and lots of "you" questions. More listening than talking. And a sense that you are on the same side in this too. I hope that helps, if with nothing else than a little different perspective! LOL

talaniman · Oct 28, 2006, 12:15 PM

What if he is 40?

The peak age for men is 25-40 uh oh!

I am not against porn if there was interest in me also. I enjoy looking once in awhile. It's human. But how can he say it's not me and still view the other?

You are so determined to make this an issue about you, aren't you? Its easy to look, At 40, the body doesn't just move as fast. He is getting older my god, and that 20 something you once knew is gone forever. Don't you know that your whole attitude can turn him off. So take your hands off your hips and talk to your man with love and respect, and let him get a word in too!!