[fisk]

Im not sure this should be asked here; if it's the wrong place please move it.

My brother and I lost our mum when he was 12 and I was 10, out of sudden illness. We're now 23 and 25. I'm worried about him because I think that in the end this had a big impact in his life-in mine too-and it's affecting his relations with other people in a negative way. He doesn't have a lot of friends, and he has never had a girlfriend. People love him, he's very kind, but he never goes too deep with anyone. I'm especially worried about his relationship with women. Could him not having his mum when he was growing up make him not be comfortable around women? I don't know if I'm making irrational links between things, I'm just trying to see if there's indeed something wrong. It's just that, not having a girlfriend at 25 isn't the best thing and I don't think he's OK with it either. Everyone needs someone... And every time he kind of likes a girl, he never tries to be with them.

He had confined in my once to tell me that when he was little he had trouble reaching up to people because he was afraid they would ask him about our mum and he didn't want to say that she had died. Important thing to add: we never really mentioned our mum ever since she died, and our family acted like it had never happened.

[hheath541]

OK, the first thing you need to do is actually talk about her. It was an extremely painful experience and you can't keep that pain bottled up. You also need to be able to remember the good times and talk and laugh about her. She wouldn't want you guys pretending she never existed, because that's what you're doing.

Now, I don't think not having your mother around effected your brother as much as her dying did (I hope that makes sense). Most likely he doesn't get close to people because he's afraid of losing them. His mother, one of the people who is ALWAYS supposed to be there for you, died at a time when he needed her most. That leaves a sense of abandonment and reluctance to get close to anyone else.

Suggest he get counseling. Even at this point grief counseling can still help. He needs to finally deal with her death and start to heal.

Going with him, maybe to a support group for people who have lost a parent, wouldn't be a bad idea. There's no way you are unscarred from the experience.

[trmpldonagn]

Hi Fisk. I'm very sorry to hear about your mum. Very sorry. This is good that you reached out.

I was going to ask if anyone has ever been in therapy but I think your last paragraph may have answered that question. If you don't feel it's too personal could you answer that?

Also referring to your last paragraph... sometimes people don't want to say things aloud or hear themselves or anyone say "the words". That impact can be extremely devastating. You both already know it is real because it happened but sometimes hearing it will cause the person to break down or feel very uncomfortable with what comes up inside of them.

People in that situation you are describing could become prone to anxiety attacks and a host of other things. I am wondering if any of you have stuffed a lot of feelings. It sounds that way but I cannot be sure just yet. You all may have dealt with her death at the time of it but it really doesn't sound to me like any of you have dealt with it more. Because you dealt with it at the time does not mean you don't need to deal with it more.

I don't believe you're making irrational links. You could be right or wrong. I happen to agree with what you're saying about that.
I don't believe that it's abnormal for your brother or anyone not to have a partner at that age. It's wonderful that you care so much about your brother and your concerns are justified.

I think you know that there could very well be a lot of insecurities there. The fear of getting close with someone is sometimes, if not always, a fear of getting hurt and/or losing someone. (Please pardon my punctuation or lack of.)

Would you feel comfortable asking him to try therapy? And how about for yourself too? You didn't mention your dad but since you say the family acts as if it never happened I feel it's safe to assume he is included?

I know therapy, grievance counseling, support groups, etc. seem scary but please please please give it a try. Even if you have all carried on and think you are all OK with yourselves. I am not saying any of you need to heal still because I have no way of knowing that right now. Other problems can certainly arise and branch out as you get older. I am especially considering your ages when this tragedy happened to you all.

Please do reach out and seek therapy. This forum is great for you too and again, it's good that you did reach out.

You have my deepest sympathy. I truly hope you get the help you need. For now, right here on this forum is just fine but I do hope you consider what I suggested. You can even go together at first but a therapist especially may strongly suggest individualized therapy since things affect people in different ways and how we deal with them.

You want to grow healthy and even stronger and have the happy lives you so much deserve. My best to you!

[Jake2008]

I think that at age 23, your brother not having a serious relationship isn't unusual. At that age he will go through many relationships before he feels that one is worth pursuing into something more serious. And more serious relationships will have him feeling comfortable about discussing the events of his life.

During the past 10 years has there been other things that have affected his life in a negative way as you said, such as not being able to hold a job, substance abuse, risk taking behaviours, depression?

That he doesn't talk about your mother's passing, doesn't necessarily mean he hasn't come to terms with it and thus requres therapy. If you haven't brought up the subject with him, how would you know how he feels about it, let alone how it has, in his own words, affected his life.

Have a heart to heart with him, and just ask him. Get a conversation going about good memories and events that happened when she was alive. If you start on a positive note, he may be inclined to talk about her.

Perhaps he isn't talking about her because he thinks you have a problem with it. You'll never know until you ask. But, until you do have more information, I wouldn't be suggesting any type of therapy until you are sure there is a problem to begin with.

[fisk]

Thank you so much for your kind answers. By the way my brother's 25, I'm the one who's 23. I'm wondering about all this because I know that when I was about 17, a friend asked me something about my mum for the first time. And it was like a 'click', I realised once more that she was gone, and grieved a lot from 17 to 20 years old I'd say. It never heals, and no I didn't get counseling, though I think it might do me some good. I know I had to deal with it when I went abroad to study and had to stay alone a lot. I now feel more comfortable talking about it with friends. Yes I still get tears in my eyes as I'm writing this post...

No, no one has ever been to counseling in our family. My dad's still wearing his wedding ring for god's sake. Everyone's moved on without really moving on. I cannot even begin to think of a moment where I'd mention the word 'mum' in front of my brother. I think I'd start crying and never stop. It sounds so messed up. And I think it is.

I'm just worried because I see how hard time he has opening up to people. I don't open up easily at all, but I do have those 2-3 close friends, and a boyfriend who I love and loves me back. And we do need love, both my brother and me, we missed it a lot while growing up and the gap is still there.

I'm really not sure how to act, if I have the right to tell him anything, my worries etc... We are close, but never on this subject!

[Jake2008]

I can understand how you feel. Every now and then I think, "I'm going to call mom for that recipe" and then realize, she's been gone for 24 years now. It's like running into a brick wall, and so many occasions and other things remind me of her. How I still wish, after all these years, that we still had had more time together.

My sisters and I didn't talk much, and drifted apart. One I am close to again, and we have talked about mom, but mostly it is the good, fun crazy stuff, and it's lots of laughs. I hope that you and your brother find that peaceful happy place together someday.

You might try reaching him through more creative ways. Why not suggest that on the next anniversary of her passing, that you all go out to dinner, or gather at your place for a nice pot luck. Maybe start a diary of memories that you can bind into a book. You can add mom's favourite recipes, pictures, poetry. Ask everybody for one or two special memories that can be written out and added to the book. A work of love like that can speak volumes where it may not be an easy thing to do otherwise.

Exchange email with the whole family, including your dad, and ask questions. Maybe about your mom's family, where they came from, what they were like. As you dad what it was like when they were dating. I'll bet he has some very fond memories of the good old days.

Maybe, if the history is kept alive, it won't feel like she has been forgotten. And maybe for those that have a difficult time expressing themselves, may find some solace and peace of mind by reading all the memories of her.

A loss that profound is something that never goes away I don't think. You learn to live with your loss, but it is always a loss. Maybe a memory book, or shared email, or a quiet conversation with your brother and your dad may help everyone.

Don't be afraid. I suspect that there is still too much love there for your mom that anyone would be offended about talking about her. Time to plant some seeds.

[jmjoseph]

Yes, the death of someone close to you definitely effects some people. When I was 17, my best friend was killed in a motorcycle accident. I saw it happen, and I was the first one to get to him. Being a lifeguard, and knowing first aid, I tried CPR and mouth to mouth on him. But he was killed instantly. I had just talked to him as we got out of school. He got on his new bike and went flying up the road, turned around and came back towards the school. A new kid pulled out in front of him and he hit him going 90 MPH. One minute I was talking to him, the next he was dead, lying in the street. It totally devastated me as well as my whole class. We had been close since we were 6 years old. From that moment on ,until I was in my thirties, I never let anyone close to me. Not even my parents.

Well, my father died in 2000, and I miss him dearly. I wasted so much time distancing myself from the ones I should have been closest to. I had relationships with girls, but never let myself open up as to get hurt like that again. Two things that you really should do, in my opinion, to prevent THAT happeneing to you and your brother, is to one: make sure your brother is given counseling even if he think's he is OK. Two: memorialize your mother. Celibrate her life, her love, her memories. To not is just as if she didn't exist. Believe it or not , we all want to be remembered when we are gone. The only way for you two to get on with your lives, is to handle this HUGE issue in your hearts, and minds. Get all the pictures of your mother out and talk about it. Cry, laugh, do all the proper things. Go to her burial plot, or her ashes, and have a service.

She is in heaven looking down on her two fine sons wanting you both to be happy. Please don't waste a large part of your lives like I did. GOD bless you both.

[Gemini54]

It's really sad when something serious and sad like the death of your mother becomes the proverbial elephant in the corner. Everyone knows it's there , but no-one will actually talk about it.

I think that Jake's suggestion of starting a diary or scrap book of memories is excellent. It gives you a starting point for talking about it, with the excuse that you're doing it for you (when you're actually doing it for them - and you too, of course). You could ask your family to tell you what they remember about her - her likes, dislikes, etc, etc and include these snippets in the diary/book. You could also say that you're doing it for your future children so that they can have a sense of what their grandmother was like.

It sounds to me as if you have to be the catalyst to bring all this out - and it also sounds as if you will need to the one to expose yourself and the grief you feel. This will mean crying... but perhaps it requires someone (probably you) to shed the first tear so that others can shed their own.

Be brave, it's all long overdue.

[spoilsport]

Don't worry. If the girl loves your bro, she will solve it.

[spoilsport]

Too add to it.. love will find a way. So relax enjoy . Pray.