[jenny87]

Im having some serious issues with my boyfriend of 9 months. Its to the point where I even have bad dreams, prob from feeling so rejected and I'm on the verge of dumping his . I know this question has kind of been brought up but this is a little different.:(

My boyfriend masturbates god only knows how many times a day, at one point like two times daily. We have lived together for about 4 or 5 months. I have had a major issue with him watching porn on his fetish. But it took me like 3 times of sobbing for him to realize that it was an issue for me. He has been pretty good with that. All the while I have been fulfilling his fetish. He says when he watches porn he watches the ones that don't show a face so he can think of me. OK well whatever, I am just not down with porn. He has had one slip up lately. I know every time he does it! He`s not to smart about hiding it. THEN he lies and he has even admitted to his lies. Recently he started working 1st shift. I work 2nd. When he comes home all he does is sleep! Im sorry but I'm the type of chick to get stuff done, not lay around. When I get home @ 10pm he still sleeps! You would like he would want to spend time with me (?! ) since we were attached at the hip before he started working 1st. Anway... it seems like every time I come onto him he turns me down. Its like like 4 or 5 times. He says I'm tired or not in the mood then rolls over! A women getting turned down? Im sorry but I'm 22 and my hormones are raging! So I started thinking well if he's not getting it from me who is he getting it from? HIMSELF that's who! We have talked about this many many times to the point where I am sick to death about talking about it. I explained how it truly hurts my feelings. He just says " I can more then once in a day, its my body" ECT. I tried to give an analogy.. "if I chocolate cake everyday and you offer me some later on in the day, I prob. am not goin to want it." He still sticks to the "its my body, I can come more then once in a day." It really seems no matter how I try to say its effecting me, he just doesn't get it or care.

This morning I woke up a little before 6am (when he gets up for work) and he and the
"jerk off blanket" were gone. I went into the living room and there he was spanking the monkey. I was lying right next to him...

All he could say was I didn't want to wake you up, I didn't think you would want to do it this early in the morning. Today is Friday. We haven't had sex since Tuesday. It used to be everyother day. I guess I'm just not enough for him or he's bored.

Its killing me.


I love him but we have some other issues too. Regular relationship stuff, nothing to wild. I don't have any diseases and I'm not like ugly. I just don't get it. :confused::(:confused::mad:

[ChihuahuaMomma]

First off, he's getting defensive because you seem to refuse to see his side (whether you agree with it or not).

We don't know what 1st and 2nd shifts are. What are the hours? My boyfriend and I work opposite shifts as well. You have to understand that people need sleep. That's been a big argument for us when we first changed shifts. But you both need to understand that the other person just got off work, so they need to sleep.

I'm sorry, I don't understand why you are getting jealous of his hand... Now, when it comes to choosing his hand over you, that's another story. WITHOUT CRYING, you need to explain to him that you are feeling neglected and sexually frustrated.

As far as porn goes, well everyone has their own stance. Mine is, unless it's illegal or you're ADDICTED, I don't care. It's porn, can't guys have fantasties? He's not cheating.

Is there a possibility of changing back to the same shift? Because you two seem to be stressed at the fact that you rarely get to see each other, and when you do he's doing his normal routine (sleeping, porn, "monkey spanking") and that makes you feel unwanted...

Again I say, talk to him.. WITHOUT crying. Trust me, crying doesn't get you anywhere.

[jenny87]

I'm sorry, I don't understand why you are getting jealous of his hand...Now, when it comes to choosing his hand over you, that's another story. WITHOUT CRYING, you need to explain to him that you are feeling neglected and sexually frustrated.

Maybe I should have stated that I have talked to him with out crying and it has been a very serious but relaxed conversation. And I am getting "jealous of his hand" because he would rather j e r k off then have sex with me. I understand men masturbate, I am not unreasonable. I do it too when he isn't around. That's the thing... I am around and he sneaks off early in the morning or he just plain says no because he's already taken care of himself. That's the issue...

[Alty]

I know every time he does it! He`s not to smart about hiding it. THEN he lies and he has even admitted to his lies.

Why does he have to hide it? You're trying to control his behavior which is forcing him to hide it and lie about it.

Recently he started working 1st shift. I work 2nd. When he comes home all he does is sleep! Im sorry but I'm the type of chick to get stuff done, not lay around. When I get home @ 10pm he still sleeps! You would like he would want to spend time with me (?! ) since we were attached at the hip before he started working 1st

He works a different shift, he's tired, he sleeps and all you can think of is what you're missing out on. Have you talked to him about this?

He says I'm tired or not in the mood then rolls over! A women getting turned down? Im sorry but I'm 22 and my hormones are raging!

All I'm hearing is "me, me, me, me, I want, I need, I have to have". Who wants to have sex with someone that's constantly nagging you? I really can't blame him for not being in the mood, you're trying to control every aspect of his life, maybe he's just done listening to it all the time.

We have talked about this many many times to the point where I am sick to death about talking about it. I explained how it truly hurts my feelings.

I'm sure he's sick to death of hearing it as much as you're sick of talking about it. Do you really talk, or do you tell? Talking about it involves compromise, listening to the other person, discussion and then an agreement. From what I've read in your post, I doubt you're talking, sounds more like you're demanding.

Until the two of you learn to communicate in a mature manner, I don't see this situation changing.

Good luck.

[arby808]

Maybe you should masterbate when he is there be sure to make a lot of noiseso he hears you make him feel like you feel

[jmjoseph]

I never really understood why guys would rather please themselves, than to have sex with a girl lying right next to them. It makes no sense at all. If you have a problem with this, and other things in the relationship, then maybe you should tell him to get "his body" out. If you want to make it work, then do like the ladies here suggested, and talk to him, let him know how you feel. Don't keep going on about it, and try not to cry while you're doing it. Ask him what it is that you can do to help him. Maybe the porn is an addiction, maybe just a hobby. Either way, you should come first( literally).

[smoothy]

I have a feeling that just maybe you nagging him a bit much... and you have to see that from HIS perspective... not your own.

Not justifying his actions at all, but trying to explain them... he's probibly doing this as retaliation to what he percieves to be nagging or being told what to do and when to do it.
You have to remember that there is another side to any argument... and not just your own. Push people long enough and any common groud erodes away until you are left with irreconcilible differences.

Assuming 1st shift to be days, 2nd shift to be afternoons, and 3rd shift to be midnights as most people consider them to be... Depending on his start time and travel time I can see how at 10 pm he wants to sleep. You have to give as well as take to find a compromise that suits both of you. One person can't make all the demands.

[jenny87]

I have a feeling that just maybe you nagging him a bit much...and you have to see that from HIS perspective...not your own.

Not justifying his actions at all, but trying to explain them...he's probibly doing this as retalitation to what he percieves to be nagging or being told what to do and when to do it.
You have to remember that there is another side to any arguement...and not just your own. push people long enough and any common groud erodes away until you are left with irreconcilible differences.

Assuming 1st shift to be days, 2nd shift to be afternoons, and 3rd shift to be midnights as most people consider them to be... Depending on his start time and travel time I can see how at 10 pm he wants to sleep. You have to give as well as take to find a compromise that suits both of you. One person can't make all the demands.

OK so I can see that I am nagging him too much... totally. But we have TALKED and come to conclusions. He says "I know it hurts you I won`t do it again." But then goes right back into "its my body, its not effecting our life" in the same conversation. So even after talking and me thinking he understands where I'm coming from and how his exsesive masturbating is screwing up our sex life, he just reverts... so in truth he in not understanding therefore not comprising. So after hearing it won't effect us.. now, for me, it turns into lies on top of rejection. The porn thing was an issue for a while, its really not anymore. I just don't agree with porn. Its is highly addictive (I know because I have been) and it's a very private matter and in my opinion only meant to be viewed by the people doing the act. It just doesn't sit right with me. Now men will be men and once and a while sure whatever, I couldn't care less. But he has issues, man. OK for instance this weekend we went to a "toy shop" and bought a bunch of toys to spice things up in the bedroom. Things we both share a common interest in. We had sex for a good amount of time.. longer then usual, you know playing around. It was great and very fulfilling. He later (that night) j e r ked off. Then the next morning he got up again before 6am (when he goes to work) and Played with himself. Then the same night, I come home and I realized he watched porn while I was at work.? And honestly he does things like that a lot. I think he lacks some serious selfcontrol and is addicted. So I will deff try not to say anything for a while about him doing these sorts of things all the time, but it will be hard. I feel a lot of resentment. Simply because it does effect us and he just says what I want to hear then continues to do the same things. I feel like it will never change and this is what I'm in for if we are to get married. I know he feels like I'm trying to control him so I will try everything in my power to help out our situation. :rolleyes:


On the whole opposite shift...
One day he came home and said "oh yeah I start working 1st shift on Monday." We never talked aboit it at all! He goes to work for 7am-3pm. I work 2pm-10pm. So yes by the time I am home he is fully really for bed and I can understand that. But what I meant when I said all he does is sleep (sorry I was very upset when I wrote the first one.. ) He will come home. Smoke pot. Pass out. Then he mostly sleeps all day even when I get home. That's what I meant by when I get home don't you think he would want to spend time with me, Because he has already been sleeping for hours! This happens about 75% of the time. :(

Thanks for all your honest answers everyone. I hope I can do my part to help us out. :(

[smoothy]

OK.. the pot is an issue... I consider it to be a major issue and its probably a big factor in all of this.

There are definitely communications issues here on both sides (likely more on his side however).

I don't think porn is an issue at all, but the Pot most definitely is. He cares more about the pot than anything else obviously. He needs to give it up... some of these other issues will resolve themselves when he isn't stoned all the time. AND yes... THC stays in your system for a long time.

How do you make him do that if he doesn't want to? How about making him develop a fear of getting analy gang raped in prison if he gets busted? That's an effective point to get through to a hetero guys head, even through a canabis induced fog.

In the end he is going to resist and likely refuse any change... you should at least entertain the idea that he is not the best choice in a boyfriend you could have made.

In a good relationship, you don't have this sort of conflict... PARTICULARLY while you are dating. It would only get worse if you got married.

[vairvane]

I have been following this tread since it started, and ironically on MTV last night they had a True Life, I'm addicted to porn. If you feel that he is addicted then maybe you should take it to more drastic levels. For example there was a couple on True Life that a man that had 4 children and a loving wife was addicted to porn.

She made a deal with him, either he stopped watching porn and remain to live with his family or if he continued to watch porn then he had to move out. Which resulting in him stopping and going back home to his family. I believed he joined a church which had a special program for people that were addicted to porn, XXX Church I believe it was. If you don't want to kick him out then maybe try living like roommates, suggest one of you take turns sleeping on the couch or something.

I could be totally off by saying this, but while watching that episode I thought of you and your situation.

What Constitutes A Porn "Addiction"? - True life: i'm addicted to porn - Jezebel

How do you make him do that if he doesn't want to? How about making him develop a fear of getting analy gang raped in prison if he gets busted? That's an effective point to get through to a hetero guys head, even through a canabis induced fog.

From knowing people that smoke, even a very heterosexual guy will laugh that off, most likely because of the pot.

[smoothy]

His problem isn't porn... its that he gets stoned all the time...

It really, and I mean REALLY gets on my nerves when they blame a guy looking at porn as having an addiction to it. Guys like seeing naked women... normal guys anyway.

Nobody that gets stoned frequently, much less daily is functioning at anywhere near his or her potiential. Anyone that claims they are are sadly deluding themselves. I've seen and known far too many pot smokers over the last 35 years for anyone to argue otherwise. From light users to heavy smokers.

Not saying its not possible to get addicted to it... people get addicted to everything all the time... but 99% of the time it isn't addiction at all.

You hang out with some weird people that laugh at the prospect of getting gang raped in prison if they ever got locked up. And you are also deluding yourself if you think people never get arrested or sent to jail on pot possession.

It might be rare in jail or lockup... but prison is a far different place. That is a straight guys biggest fear outside of the loss of freedom and what others will think.

[jenny87]

Wow. So I just recently quit smoking weed. Its been, well I had a slip up Saturday night, but it would have been 3 weeks. Which trust me is a long time for me. I am a christian. We have talked about some serious things like marriage and quitting smoking. One day I asked him " if i wanted to live a christian life, how would you feel?" ( he has been brought up in the church ect) HE replied " i would try my best to live one with you." So on top of all these issues I am dealing with trying to not be tempted when he smokes or when we hang out with his friends (b/c they all do too.) Im not going to tell him hey stop smoking. He says he will someday. He and I even talk about the negative effects it has on our own personal lifes. His last ex asked him to stop. He ended up lying all the time to her... ECT. What makes things even more ironic is that I went to church with his family this Sunday.. he stayed home and the pastor said to me... " you need to come together as a whole person, not half as one. Two holes as one. AND if you need to take a break to give yourselfs a chance to find eachother, that is ok." Honestly I have tried to break up with him. But he ends up crying and telling me how much he loves me. Then I feel bad.
AH IDK!!

With all of this said I would just like to mention that I am NOT perfect either!

[smoothy]

IF, he really cared about you, he health, and the future he would quit...

Fact is its clear... he is more wrapped up in his drugs than he is you.

"Someday" is a copout and a lame answer. Seriously... take a set back and read what you just answered. IF that was your little sister that wrote that what advice would you give her?

You'd say leave the guy... he isn't reliable.. he isn't honest... and he is a drug addict.

What are you going to do if he decides he wants something stronger because this isn't a deep enough stupor for him? He obviously isn't going to get a good job like that... all the better jobs have drug testing and require you to have a clarity of thought impossible as a chronic stoner.

I don't see anything about this guy that is worth wasting more of your time on. He enjoys wasting his life like this... he has no aspirations for anything better... he thinks first of getting stoned... and you fall fairly far down on his priority list.

Seriously... you need to step back and look at this from someone else's perspective to see what I'm saying. Do you want more out of life than this?

[Xrayman]

wow. So I just recently quit smoking weed. Its been, well I had a slip up Saturday night, but it would have been 3 weeks. Which trust me is a long time for me. I am a christian. We have talked about some serious things like marriage and quitting smoking. One day I asked him " if i wanted to live a christian life, how would you feel?" ( he has been brought up in the church ect) HE replied " i would try my best to live one with you." So on top of all these issues I am dealing with trying to not be tempted when he smokes or when we hang out with his friends (b/c they all do too.) Im not going to tell him hey stop smoking. He says he will someday. He and I even talk about the negative effects it has on our own personal lifes. His last ex asked him to stop. He ended up lying all the time to her... ECT. What makes things even more ironic is that I went to church with his family this Sunday.. he stayed home and the pastor said to me... " you need to come together as a whole person, not half as one. Two holes as one. AND if you need to take a break to give yourselfs a chance to find eachother, that is ok." Honestly I have tried to break up with him. But he ends up crying and telling me how much he loves me. Then I feel bad.
AH IDK!!

With all of this said I would just like to mention that I am NOT perfect either!

Okay this is what you guys in the US call co-dependency-you are supporting his lifestyle. Tell him "I want the date and time that you are going to give up, NOW!" when that date arrives-that is d-day for him and you, if he cannot give it away (smoking pot) then dump him and I don't care how much crying he does-your life is $hit with this guy-I'm sorry you are wasting your time if YOU continue with this Scenario.

Sorry but I had to give you the cold-hard facts. In the current situation YOU are just as much an addict as he is-because you are functioning like an abuse/drug addict yourself by accepting and continuing to continue with this lifestyle-you are supporting yours and his drug lifestyle.

Best wishes, but things are not going to improve until you both adopt ANOTHER healthy lifestyle.

Which trust me is a long time for me. I am a christian. We have talked about some serious things like marriage and quitting smoking. One day I asked him " if i wanted to live a christian life, how would you feel?" ( he has been brought up in the church ect) HE replied " i would try my best to live one with you." So on top of all these issues I am dealing with trying to not be tempted when he smokes or when we hang out with his friends (b/c they all do too.) Im not going to tell him hey stop smoking.

Oh and this... When you bring YOUR religion into it-I'm sorry but that just makes the situation even more hypocritical and the mere fact that you use this is a crutch, an excuse. This behaviour for the both of you is NOT Christian-don't use that as your get-out-ofjail-free card. It doesn't work.

[jenny87]

So I had the bottom line talk last night... about a lot not just the sex issue. Which of course is still an issue. But I'm trying like hell to bite my tongue. Anyway thanks for all your help everyone!

[ervet262]

Drop him. Just my two cents. He won't change, and control issues are paramount to people with addictions. He needs to control something so he smokes dope and spanks the monkey. Move on, girl. Find a guy who's more into you than porn.

[smoothy]

His problem isn't porn... its the pot that he is addicted to. Getting stoned is more important than his relationship with her.

She should take that at face value and find a guy that NOT a stoner. There are lots of guys out there that aren't.