[MichiganGirl10]

I have been in a relationship with this guy for about 5 months now. His mother is an awsome lady and she is very kind. But she controls him so much that it is very annoying. He is 18 years old and he still takes orders. He can't stand it but he does it anyway. Whenever he does something that his mother doesn't like, she will call me to tell me like she wants to me to yell at him for it. I feel like his babysitter at tims because of her. Its not fair for either of us. I don't know how to tell him this because he is a very sensetve guy. He knows that I am very angry with it and that my patience is getting thinner, but he doesn't quite know what to do. He works for a moving job so he is always on the road with his parents traveling state to state moving everybodies furniture so h has to respect them at the same time. He still gets told that hewill have his phone taken away, as well as his computer and such. How frickin ridiculous is that? WHAT DO I DO??
HOW DO I GO ABOUT Telling HIM THIS?? :confused:

[amicon]

Hi. Could he move out change jobs etc. Its not a healthy situation.parents should have course allow their children to grow up and lead their own lives. Sadly some mothers think they own their children. I left my partner of two years some time ago mainly because of his disability to separate himself from his mother.and he s in his forties.your boyfriend really needs to put his foot down or he ll not have much of a life.

[hheath541]

How long ago did he turn 18? He, and his mother, might still be adjusting to the fact that he's a legal adult. Has he put his foot down and explained that he's 18 now and she needs to let him live his life?

[justcurious55]

18 is really not very old. As long as he is living under his parents' house, it's only right that he follow his parents' rules. My cousin is 22. He still lives at home. When he's not doing what he's supposed to, there's threats of him losing his phone and car still. That's what happens when you live at home and depend on your parents. If he were out on his own it would be a completely different story. But he's not. So you either learn to deal with it until he's able to be out on his own or this relationship is not right for you at this time.

[justcurious55]

I also have to add, I think it's funny that when parents come on hear telling about there 18+ child that isn't following their house rules the advice is to set the rules down and enforce them or it's time for the kid to leave. And here it seems like the reverse, this guy sounds like he's trying to respect his parents' rules and the advice is that he put his foot down. Doesn't quite make sense to me...

[hheath541]

i also have to add, i think it's funny that when parents come on hear telling about there 18+ child that isn't following their house rules the advice is to set the rules down and enforce them or it's time for the kid to leave. and here it seems like the reverse, this guy sounds like he's trying to respect his parents' rules and the advice is that he put his foot down. doesn't quite make sense to me...

I don't see following the house rules as the issue in cases like this. If the parents are trying to control other aspects of his life, then it becomes an issue. His mother is not only telling him what to do, she's expecting his GIRLFRIEND to not only agree with her, but to essentially convince him to obey his mother. That's when there's an issue. Having rules you expect your adult children to follow when they live in your house is one thing. Putting you child's SO in the middle of a family squabble is another.

[justcurious55]

Hm. I missed the part about the mother calling the girlfriend to yell at him. I was very confused where you were getting the idea that she expected the girlfriend to agree with her and convince him to be obedient for a moment there... that changes my opinion some. I still feel he should be respectful of his parents' rules but he needs to set some boundaries for his relationships. His mother calling his girlfriend is entirely inappropriate. OP, what do you say when she calls? If you feel like this relationship is worth it, I would suggest you help set some of those boundaries. Something along the lines of "mrs. __, i understand where you're coming from but this seems like something between you and your son and i prefer not to get involved." may help set her straight.

[hheath541]

Also, if he pays his phone bills and he paid for the computer, she has no right to threaten to take them away. At that point they are his, and since he's an adult she has no legal say in the matter. Sometimes legality is what it has to boil down to.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...en-333083.html

If this is the same guy, you had fair warning.

If this is another guy, boy you moved really fast with him. 5 months is not a long time, but you had better get with being able to communicate, and work together, or this will never work.

For one you should never get between a guy, and his mommy, and for another thing, he is the one who has to stand up for his own independence.

He is only 18, and should he please his family, or a girl that he has known for 5 months, and doesn't know if this will work out or not?

He is caught in the middle of this, and he is darned if he does, or darned if he doesn't. Either way, someone is going to be PO'd at him.

Why can't you support his predicament, as this thing you call a relationship develops?

[MichiganGirl10]

First off, our relationship is perfectly fine. Him and I are living with each other now :) So that is all fine and dandy.
HIS MOTHER, on the other hand.. . Hasn't changed one bitt. We made it pretty clear to each other that we do not like one another. She talks bad about me all of the time (including my family). I have never said one bad thing about her except that I think she is a coward.
She calls my boyfriend and says that if we have children, I would push them away from her :O lol.
He putts his foot down at times, but still respects his mother (as he should). I wish I could give her taste of her own medicine.
Is it right that I am not telling her how I feel?
Should I just sit back and let her do these things?
Or should I say something to her?
I will not be the quiet girlfriend, not when I have Too much to say.

[talaniman]

Why can't you leave mom alone, and cultivate your relationship with your boyfriend. Ultimately he is the one to decide how to handle his mother. Let him.

[slapshot_oi]

First off, our relationship is perfectly fine. Him and I are living with eachother now So that is all fine and dandy.
HIS MOTHER, on the other hand . . . . hasnt changed one bitt. We made it pretty clear to eachother that we do not like one another. She talks bad about me all of the time (including my family). I have never said one bad thing about her except that I think she is a coward.
She calls my boyfriend and says that if we have children, I would push them away from her...

Lol, you guys are 18, yet this sounds like an episode from Everybody Loves Raymond.

I will not be the quiet girlfriend, not when I have TO MUCH to say.

If you can't ignore his mother and go about your business, then the relationships isn't perfectly fine.

I don't have any good advice because I don't think you're the one that needs it, it's really up to him.

[itried]

It sounds like your boyfriends mother is a narcissist. Everything is about her and her son is a supply of the attention which she desperately craves. This could possibly explain her control over him and how he always goes along with her wishes. You can't change a person who is like this; the only thing you can do is ignore her or go along with their wishes as there is no middle ground with them. If you can't keep your mouth shut when it comes to her you will be in for a long and exhausting relationship (at least where his mother is involved). The best thing to do would be to ignore her and pretend that she doesn't exist.

Isn't it funny that since he has moved out with you the mother has found reasons to dislike you? Also, how she is now trying to turn your boyfriend against you? How about that you don't think she's an awesome lady anymore? She thinks your relationship and whatever results from it (ie kids) have some sort of connection to her which goes above that of you and your boyfriend. Again, she's making this about her and her needs only.

I fully realize that two hens can't keep from clucking, but if you feel this way about her you need to take the high road and just deal with it. If she does have narcissistic personality disorder than there is nothing you can do about it. Any sort of attention will just add fuel to her ever burning fire.

[MichiganGirl10]

I just looked up that disorder (Narcissistic personality disorder) and my boyfriend says that all of it sounds like she has it. Imagine that.. .
Her and I just had it out. Im leaving this be. He needs to deal with it, but I feel guilty letting him deal with all of this. He gets chest pains regularly and is sick with a head cold at this moment, also has an inflared knee. So I feel awful that all of this seems to be crashing down on him.
What a girlfriend I am I guess.. . Anyway.. . Thank you for all of yalls advise, and help. I appriciate it very much :)
Hopefully things will work out. But I will ignore and brush off. BUt if something is said about me, that would be very much difficult to do. I will TRY.

[Rhiannnonn]

GEEZ! BTW, is this woman German or of German extraction?! She sounds like my second mother-in-law. I had to eventually give up and divorice him. The judge didn't want to give us a divorce -- the judge wanted to send us to Marriage Counseling and put a restraining order out on his mother to keep her away from us. You see, my mother-in-law/soon to be former mother-in-law had to be at the divorce, she was the overbearing and vicious. The judge had to threaten her with contempt of court and jail to shut her up (that, and, "The lady [me] hasn't said a thing about you, how can you talk about her that way?" Heck, the lawyer she'd gotten for my ex left before we got to the judge because when he came to talk to me I refused child support (my daughter came from a previous relationship and my soon to be ex was well aware of that) and I refused alimony (I made more an hour than he did, why should I take his money?). But if you listened to the mother-in-law, I was supposed to be some kind of Golddigger after the money she inherited when her father died.

[MichiganGirl10]

My Boyfriend is german but he gets that from his father, so no, she is not german at all. But damn, that sounds like a whole bunch of drama lol exactly what I may be going through GRRRR. Im sorry about all of that by the way. How is everything working out now? Hopefully better?