[Buto11]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We met over a year ago, started doing the long distance thing (I was in Denver, he was in Portland) soon we decided it was worth it to be together seriously so I made the move to Portland the last week of march. Things clicked and it was exciting :)

So I am here now in Portland with him.

Everything as would expect was going great until we started to experience out bumps in the roads. The usual personality conflict, insecurities, etc.

Which brings me to the real matter at hand. (A little background information first) A few months ago I had succumbed to be extremely bored and browsing through my boyfriends Myspace friends, I noticed a girl from Salt Lake City recently added to his friends list and in a very curious manner I clicked on her profile to see who she was. As I began browsing through her photo albums I noticed the my boyfriend was leaving comments to you pics. Some of them were very innocent just displaying that he like her tattoos and her pet bunny but to my surprise I found a few that would very sexually orientated or at best flirtatious. Saying things like, "YO :O! I just wanna put my head in between those ladies and motorboat!" and "God, I love that smile" and needless to say I got very upset. When it came down to confronting him he said that the comments were meant to be a joke and he was sorry for not taking my best interest at hand in regards to "my jealousy bone" I was still upset about it and didn't understand his relationship with her and he wasn't very forthcoming when I ask him to explain it. Regardless I let it go.

The first 2 weeks of August we took a road trip together back to Colorado for a festival where we met last year. It was a great time for the most part. My boyfriend only stayed out for a week and went back on his own while I stayed in Denver to be with my friends and family. Things had been rocky for us before he left back home and I was feelings the distance that he was attempting to create between us in major way. He told me that the week away from him well give him time to get some much needed space for himself, and I tried/was trying to respect that. It was at sometimes after he left like pulling teeth to get him to communicate with and be affectionate with his words which was hard for me to take. Then I noticed that he load up a Colorado 2009 Roadtrip to his Facebook profile without any pictures of me being involved. Needless to say it hurt my feelings not only be I was there and left out of the picture entirely but also because we had planned this trip together for over 6 months, I was under the impression it was an US sort of event.

So I finally get home relaxed and feeling a little more empowered than I had before, thanks to my very awesome friends and family, when to my surprise I notice on the GPS he had gone to Salt Lake City straight away from Denver after he dropped me off. Trying to keeping my cool and my assumptions light and easy I try asking him when he went to Salt Lake City. He acted as if he didn't know what I was talk about at first and then said he was to say how to a friend from his car club on the way home. I asked why he didn't tell me about doing so and he simply said because he didn't think it was necessary to tell me about it and that he is NOT going to tell me about everything he does and everyone he talks to. I knew in gut that the reason he was overacting right off the bat is because he went to go see Syd from SLC and didn't tell me because plain and simple he wanted to keep it a secret. Again, I let it go.

The next day since I had the address I look up the address on people finder to see who actually lived at that address and just like my gut was telling me >name deleted< lived there. He lied to me. So I am nonetheless stuck in a predicament. Should I confront him and tell him I know the truth or should I let it go and wait things out to see where he is going with this?

I am scared and know that whether I decide to take action or stay silent there will be consequences on my end, there doesn't seem to be any small moves here. Ultmatly, I know it is in my hands but it would be nice to have some feed back/advice on what someone else would do in this situation.

If you have any clues or advice please feel free to chim in.

Buto11

[Silverfoxkit]

I certainly don't think you should sit idly back and let this cheating pig get away with having an affair.

His defensiveness screams it and you have already found proof that he has been to see this woman.

If it was a friendly plutonic chat and coffee sort of visit why lie? Why hide it and get upset over you asking?

Do not let this scumbag lie to you anymore, or let anymore of his excuses and defensive barriers slide.

A cheater is a cheater is a cheater. I know leaving him would be easier said then done with the fairly recent move but I feel you should put heavy thought into losing the loser and finding someone who will be honest and loyal to you.

[messiable]

There are plenty of fish in the ocean. I don't think he deserves you. Move back with your friends and family and start again especially if your relationship hasn't been very sexual

[Gemini54]

I think that you have every right to be concerned. Lies are not acceptable, and usually when someone lies they have something to hide.

Your two choices lead down the same road - stay silent and your doubts and suspicions will pile up. Eventually it will blow up. Speak up now and express your doubts and suspicions and it will blow up sooner.

I would talk to him. State the facts (as you know them) and ask him, for the sake of your relationship to tell you the truth. You will need to be prepared to hear something you don't like, and I would suggest that you give some thought (prior to speaking with him) to how you will respond, and what you will do.

He may deny everything, of course, and you'll need to make a choice as to whether you are prepared to believe him.

If you understand the choices that are open to you and have thought about how you will respond, it leaves you in a greater position of power, rather than pandering to his (assumed) deceit.

[Jake2008]

It seems that you have reasonable grounds to suspect that at the very least, he's not being honest with you. That much is obvious.

But, if he's losing interest in his relationship with you, and you are left with unanswered questions and doubts, what are you going to do.

You may never have answers from this man. If he starts a new relationship this way, what will it be like in 2 years, or five years.

Might be a good idea to re-evaluate what you expect of the relationship. Probably the top of your list is honesty. What can you build on, or better yet, what is there to build on so you can at least establish the minimum denominator of trust.

Weigh your options, and take a good long look at what your future could possibly be like with him. It doesn't seem too promising to me, looking from the outside in.

[CrazyThumper]

Buto- Take this for what it's worth, get out. I'm 31, I have started a new relationship also and if there ever comes a point where I say to my girlfriend/significant other "I'm not going to tell you everyone I talk to, everywhere I go, etc" then I am hiding something. Now I don't expect my girlfriend to want to know if I run to the local food store, or the gym, etc.. Little things. BUT a road trip across states to see someone? That's BS.

He got caught, and is turning defensive because he doesn't have any other way out of it. His mind is already somewhere else, and so might his body if you know what I mean. Either way, you caught him lying, he is being sneaky, and deceptive.. NOBODY needs that. Especially someone like yourself who is trying to work on things, be open and honest, and communicate. He's a scumbag- tell him everything you need to by using ONE finger waving in the air and walk away.

Thumper

[Ren6]

Leave him now. You have all the evidence you need that the guy is a complete jerk.

[talaniman]

I would just leave without fanfare, or explanation, let him wonder.

His behavior is unacceptable.