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Water_Fire · Aug 25, 2009, 10:52 AM

Hi, we have been together for about 1.5 years now, but I have never disclosed how much I earn. It is now getting to the point where we are ready to move to the next step and she would like to know. Her reason is that she wants to feel secure in our future together. Advice?

snow124 · Aug 25, 2009, 02:28 PM

Tell her?

I understand refraining as a guideline of being polite (or, in some cases, out of embarrassment), but if she asks, what possible problem is there from telling her?

Water_Fire · Aug 25, 2009, 02:36 PM

I'm hoping her motive of being with me doesn't have anything to do with how financially secure I am. In other words, I don't want her to like me because of how much money I make.

slapshot_oi · Aug 25, 2009, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by Water_Fire

i'm hoping her motive of being with me doesn't have anything to do with how financially secure i am. in other words, i don't want her to like me because of how much money i make.

Unless you underspent on yourself and her since you've been together--and I think that's kind of hard to do for that amount of time--she probably has an idea of how much you make.

You should just tell her, which means you trust her and after a year and a half I hope you would. And, if you're going to share something with her, like a house or an apartment, it's mandatory that she knows.

On a related note, in a relationship similar in length to yours, my sister lied to her ex-boyfriend (from day one) about how much she made, she told him she made twice her actual salary, at the time she made about $33,000. They had an apartment together ($1,150/mo. For 300 sq. ft. no utililties!) and he would spend all sorts of money on her thinking that she could cover him if he got into trouble... NOPE! When he found out over a year later, that was the last nail in the coffin for him and he left her.

Water_Fire · Aug 25, 2009, 03:59 PM

Well, she just finished up grad school with no income. I'm working on my second house with a cushy 6 figure income. The disparity is large. I gave her an income range, but she wanted me to be more specific. Just a little confused.

Gemini54 · Aug 25, 2009, 04:46 PM

I think that if you have concerns about telling her what you actually earn, then this is a red flag about the relationship.

Your intuition is telling you something about the level of trust in your relationship. It's either created by you - because you're feeling slightly paranoid about her being a gold digger, or by her, because she is.

I wouldn't say anything until you feel comfortable doling so. Surely letting her know the range that you earn is enough? However, if you're going to be moving in together you may need to be more specific because you will be sharing expenses and other costs. Perhaps hold off on any serious commitments until she has a job and is earning her own money?

chuff · Aug 25, 2009, 05:21 PM

Originally Posted by Water_Fire

Well, she just finished up grad school with no income. I'm working on my second house with a cushy 6 figure income. the disparity is large. i gave her an income range, but she wanted me to be more specific. just a little confused.

She's asking if she's going to be "secure" but she makes nothing. The answer you give her the next time she asks is, "More then you."

itried · Aug 25, 2009, 05:29 PM

This is your opportunity to find out what kind of women you're with. Tell her the truth. If she leaves, you're better off for it. If she stays, you're better off for it. This is win-win if you really think about it.

chuff · Aug 25, 2009, 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by itried

This is your opportunity to find out what kind of women you're with. Tell her the truth. If she leaves, you're better off for it. If she stays, you're better off for it. This is win-win if you really think about it.

Why would she leave? She makes zero and he makes 6 figures?

asking · Aug 25, 2009, 05:41 PM

I think it's weird when people refuse to say how much they make. Spit it out already. How can something be so personal that you can't share it with someone you make love to and are thinking of moving in with. If I were her, I'd be starting to wonder about what your issue is. She already knows you make more than she does. What she doesn't feel is trusted.

Gemini is right. If you don't trust her with something this harmless, then you've both got a problem.

itried · Aug 25, 2009, 06:13 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

Why would she leave? She makes zero and he makes 6 figures?

She doesn't know how much he makes. For all we know she thinks it's not a lot based on their lifestyle together over the last 1.5 years. Also, she just finished grad school so she is probably feeling like hot s--t and now she wants to see if she can nab herself a richer guy. Women are like this. They WILL measure themselves based on the income level of their man.

Also, she wants to know this BEFORE they go on to the "next step". If it's not enough she obviously won't take that step.

jmjoseph · Aug 25, 2009, 06:20 PM

If she truly loves you, then it shouldn't be an issue. What I'm saying is, as long as you don't expect her to live under a bridge, she should be content with you, instead of your net worth. What, if the amount is not high enough, she's calling it quits?

After the wedding I say, then is when you should talk specific figures.

asking · Aug 25, 2009, 07:28 PM

If a man didn't trust me enough to tell me how much he makes, I would not marry him. It's not about the number on his paycheck; it's about trust.

AFTER the marriage is a terrible time for people to start sharing financial information. For all she knows, he's up to his ears in debt.

That's like waiting until after the marriage to talk about whether to have kids.

CFZD · Aug 25, 2009, 07:33 PM

I can't believe you don't tell your girlfriend how much you make.

I and my friends ( just friends, girls and guys) share those information all the time, why? b.c. we are friends and we trust each other. So strange, it's like if you make more money she is going to take it away or something?

So how much you make OP? Just curious, who is not curious about others' salary? :D

P.S. You should have noticed whether she is a gold digger or not while you are dating her right? If she leaves you after you tell her your salary, then you will know!

Water_Fire · Aug 26, 2009, 09:29 AM

Wow, thanks for all the great responses. I had a bad experience in the past where an ex-gf would ask for lavish gifts, even when we started dating! My ex would use that as a measure of "how much i really love her" and all that bull. I told my current girlfriend about my past situation and made it clear that I didn't want to repeat that. Just so everyone knows, we met in grad school together.

She knows my range, and I think that should be good enough... right?

"Also, she wants to know this BEFORE they go on to the "next step". If it's not enough she obviously won't take that step."

I'll spring that on her and see what she says :P

talaniman · Aug 26, 2009, 09:51 AM

Geez guy, if you don't trust someone after a year and a half, one of you has issues, and shouldn't take the "next step" yet!!

chuff · Aug 26, 2009, 10:19 AM

Originally Posted by Water_Fire

wow, thanks for all the great responses. i had a bad experience in the past where an ex-gf would ask for lavish gifts, even when we started dating! My ex would use that as a measure of "how much i really love her" and all that bull. i told my current gf about my past situation and made it clear that i didn't want to repeat that. just so everyone knows, we met in grad school together.

she knows my range, and i think that should be good enough....right??

"Also, she wants to know this BEFORE they go on to the "next step". If it's not enough she obviously won't take that step."

i'll spring that on her and see what she says :P

I'm 100% with you. Why is it so important after a year and half for her to suddenly know how much you make. If she won't take the next step based on your income then you are the one wasting your time. Furthermore, she doesn't make anything, so she's in no reason to start worrying about how much you make. I'd be insulted that after a year and half this is her sticking point to moving to the next level. You should have demonstrated enough value to her for the last year and half. If that isn't good enough for her, they why should you have to buy her love.

Water_Fire · Aug 26, 2009, 10:49 AM

She is at a crossroad... either she stays here with me or move closer to her family, which ultimately ends our relationship.

Justwantfair · Aug 26, 2009, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by Water_Fire

she is at a crossroad....either she stays here with me or move closer to her family, which ultimately ends our relationship.

Why would you think that your money would motivate her to stay with you?
What has been her motivation thus far?

chuff · Aug 26, 2009, 02:09 PM

Originally Posted by Water_Fire

she is at a crossroad....either she stays here with me or move closer to her family, which ultimately ends our relationship.

I think there is something more here that you are with holding. This just doesn't make sense that she's invested a year and half and suddenly she has to know how much you make, when she makes nothing.

If her crossroad is your paycheck then you ought to be sending her back to her family.