[imation]

I know its long and will be hard to read sometimes.. but please be patient... its important
Maybe 'parenting' isn't the perfect category to be in, but it's the closest I could find. It also has another use.. a lot of parents will read this and I could really do with a parents perspective.
Ill start by telling you my story.

When I was born I wasn't what you would call a 'planned' birth, but less and less kids are these days. I lived with my mother and father - defacto relationship - until I was two, when my mother and I moved in with my grandparents. From here we moved into a house with my aunty, just me, mum and her. As far as I can remember.. my dad would pop over maybe once a week, sometimes once a month... I'm not really sure I was too young to remember, but I didn't get the impression I didn't have a father so I guess he was there at least some of the time. When I was seven it was again moving time, my mum and I moved into a house, just us this time. I remember dad would come over this time at least once a week, mum and dad would fight sometimes... they would yell, I hated my dad... I would tell my um this ever night when he came over and she tucked me in, I didn't want him around... I can't remember why. Me and him never talked, I felt shy around him, I never knew what to say, we never had a very good relationship... I couldn't be myself. In year 7 or around then, I started to get strange dreams that I only recently realised was because of this fighting... the dreams weren't 'dreams' really.. just built up emotion trying to escape I think.. I remember everything would be calm and my head with quiet whispering and sometime wimpering voices would talk to me, then all of a sudden there was screaming and loud noises and my face was cringing and I would start to run(in my dream) I could see anything, but I knew I was running, after a while I started to like the dreams and try to force myself to have them. But anyway, moving on with the story... dad was present in my life continuously until year 9, I was 12. He told me he was going to fiji to see someone, a few weeks later he showed me a picture of her, yes her, and said this is my friend that I'm visiting... later that year he went there and married her. My mum told me that he had never actually met her before. Anyway, dad came home and the awkwardness enhanced ten fold. Months went past and I found out from my grandma that his wife was only an immigrant trying to get into the country, and accused him of rape just to stay in the country at least until the court case was over. (it was absolute bull if you were wondering)
Ever since then... I can count the number of times I've seen him on one hand. He doesn't call, he doesn't come over. I only see him if my grandma has an xmas thing and he happens to turn up.. at which point we say hi how are you then ignore each other for the rest of the day.
I don't know if I even want him to call or come over... I'm not sure if I want him to care... I don't know if he secretly does or if he misses me or if he feels as bad as I do about the tyness of our relationship.
He plays guitar, and this year I started too, and I want him to be proud of me for that... but I don't think that he'd care.. and I know that if I told him he'd say "oh yeh, thats good". No seriously that's what he'd say...
My dad is a man of few words to say the least, he keeps to himself...
I don't know what to do now or where to start on my road to getting past it... all I know is that I can't keep feeling like this...
Please help

[morrigan]

My father left when I was ten years old he left me and my younger sister with my mother .the run up to the separation was not easy on any of us especially when he moved his then girlfriend into the house with us!
He then proceeded to drag my mother through the divorce courts for joint custody and that was the last I heard from him until I was 27 when I received a phone call out of the blue from him telling me that my half brother had been killed while in Iraq
I had many reservations about meeting him again including would he be proud of me ashamed of me glad to finally see me the questions I had running through my mind were endless.
Anyway we met got back into communication with each other and that is when it started to come apart.
I started to receive in excess of 5 phone calls a day from him for no reason, at first I was glad and then they started through my working hours and disrupting that part of my life
He only ever wanted to speak to me he had no time for my partner and my children which are obviously my life now. I tried to explain that I now came as a package not just me any more he wouldn't except that and we have not spoken since.
That was 3 years ago now and I have recently found out that he has terminal cancer, but I have to say that I am happy with the choices I made,I'm the one that has to live with them every day. I know that that sounds heartless.
Iwas angry that he was making me decide between him and my family,to me that was the only alternative for me. Okay so I do wonder what if, but this is the kind of man that I am talking about:
He had already been married 4 times (and has a new current wife)
He has 8 children in total all of whom he has given this kind of ultimatum to, and all have answered in the same way as I have. His current wife has a son but my father has successfully managed to drive a wedge between the two of them to the extent that mother and son no longer talk to each other

I must stress that this is worst case scenario, but I do honestly understand how you are feeling.
I am happy with my life and ALL the choices that I have had to make in it, and I realised that I didn't and still don't need the blessing (for want of a better word)of my father.at the end of the day he was never there and my mother always was and still is, through every milestone in my life.

[ordinaryguy]

From your description, I would say your father is a selfish, immature person. Your story (and yours too Morrigan) breaks my heart. It would be nice to be able to tell you that it doesn't matter, you shouldn't take it personally, he's just a selfish a$$hole, so ignore him and get on with your life. But I know it's not that simple, even if the part about who he is is the truth. There's no way a child can not take it personally when a parent doesn't care enough to be there and take an interest in them as they grow up. It's a void that will always be there in your psyche, but with help from people who do love and care for you, you can eventually learn to feel your own worth and become a whole, healthy person in spite of it. It may be best to look at it a disadvantage or a handicap that you have to overcome in your life. Nobody's life is perfect. Everybody has their own challenges and unfortunate circumstances to deal with, and this is yours. It's a big deal, but it can't truly warp and destroy you unless you let it, so don't let it. Be strong, and take charge of your own healing. Your father is a pathetic figure, more to be pitied than punished. Don't waste your vital energy on anger (at least not too much--some is inevitable and even healthy). Relate to him in whatever way works best, as long as it doesn't dominate your identity or sap your energy. If that means no relationship at all, don't feel the least bit guilty about it. And if you ever have children of your own, remember the lessons he taught you and don't repeat his mistakes. Bless you.

[ciaobella]

i know its long and will be hard to read sometimes.. but please be patient... its important
maybe 'parenting' isnt the perfect category to be in, but its the closest i could find. it also has another use.. a lot of parents will read this and i could really do with a parents perspective.
ill start by telling you my story.

when i was born i wasnt what you would call a 'planned' birth, but less and less kids are these days. i lived with my mother and father - defacto relationship - until i was two, when my mother and i moved in with my grandparents. from here we moved into a house with my aunty, just me, mum and her. as far as i can remember.. my dad would pop over maybe once a week, sometimes once a month... im not really sure i was too young to remember, but i didnt get the impression i didnt have a father so i guess he was there at least some of the time. when i was seven it was again moving time, my mum and i moved into a house, just us this time. i remember dad would come over this time at least once a week, mum and dad would fight sometimes... they would yell, I hated my dad... i would tell my um this ever night when he came over and she tucked me in, i didnt want him around... i can't remember why. me and him never talked, i felt shy around him, i never knew what to say, we never had a very good relationship... i couldnt be myself. In year 7 or around then, i started to get strange dreams that i only recently realised was because of this fighting... the dreams werent 'dreams' really.. just built up emotion trying to escape i think.. i remember everything would be calm and my head with quiet whispering and sometime wimpering voices would talk to me, then all of a sudden there was screaming and loud noises and my face was cringing and i would start to run(in my dream) i could see anything, but i knew i was running, after a while i started to like the dreams and try to force myself to have them. but anyway, moving on with the story... dad was present in my life continuously until year 9, i was 12. he told me he was going to fiji to see someone, a few weeks later he showed me a picture of her, yes her, and said this is my friend that im visiting... later that year he went there and married her. my mum told me that he had never actually met her before. anyway, dad came home and the awkwardness enhanced ten fold. months went past and i found out from my grandma that his wife was only an immigrant trying to get into the country, and accused him of rape just to stay in the country at least until the court case was over. (it was absolute bull if you were wondering)
ever since then... i can count the number of times ive seen him on one hand. he doesnt call, he doesnt come over. i only see him if my grandma has an xmas thing and he happens to turn up.. at which point we say hi how are you then ignore eachother for the rest of the day.
i dont know if i even want him to call or come over... im not sure if i want him to care... i dont know if he secretly does or if he misses me or if he feels as bad as i do about the tyness of our relationship.
he plays guitar, and this year i started too, and i want him to be proud of me for that... but i dont think that he'd care.. and i know that if i told him he'd say "oh yeh, thats good". no seriously thats what he'd say...
my dad is a man of few words to say the least, he keeps to himself....
i dont know what to do now or where to start on my road to getting past it... all i know is that i can't keep feeling like this...
please help

I am going through a similar situation my dad moved to america when I was 2 only I didn't here from him until I was 16 it's a very hard subject I know but I really think you need to tell your dad how you feel that way it is out in the open and not building up inside you

[N0help4u]

He is caught up in his own life and probably feels it doesn't make a difference one way or the other to you. He probably figures you had a decent upbringing and turned out to be a good kid and that's all that counts. Maybe you could bring it up to him somehow where you let him know you wish you had more of a father son relationship and you would like to know how he felt about that. Ask him if there is a way that you could be more a part of his life. Otherwise he is going to take it for granted that you have a 'normal' relationship from his perspective.
If you decide you do want to care:
Can you at least ask him if the two of you can get together for lunch sometime or go to hear a band, or play your guitars together or maybe even ask about getting together so he can teach you a little more of playing the guitar. Try and break the ice with him and see where it goes.

What many kids that do NOT care end up doing is become workaholics and become really successful. They figure my dad couldn't be proud of me so I will make him notice me by the great success I become in life.

Unfortunately many kids who feel a parent wasn't there for them when they were growing up end up using it to lead a dysfunctional life themselves and/or end up as an addict. You seem like you have a really good head on your shoulders and have a lot going for you so I am sure you will make the right decisions in life with or without your father.

[biggirlpanties]

i know its long and will be hard to read sometimes.. but please be patient... its important
maybe 'parenting' isnt the perfect category to be in, but its the closest i could find. it also has another use.. a lot of parents will read this and i could really do with a parents perspective.
ill start by telling you my story.

when i was born i wasnt what you would call a 'planned' birth, but less and less kids are these days. i lived with my mother and father - defacto relationship - until i was two, when my mother and i moved in with my grandparents. from here we moved into a house with my aunty, just me, mum and her. as far as i can remember.. my dad would pop over maybe once a week, sometimes once a month... im not really sure i was too young to remember, but i didnt get the impression i didnt have a father so i guess he was there at least some of the time. when i was seven it was again moving time, my mum and i moved into a house, just us this time. i remember dad would come over this time at least once a week, mum and dad would fight sometimes... they would yell, I hated my dad... i would tell my um this ever night when he came over and she tucked me in, i didnt want him around... i can't remember why. me and him never talked, i felt shy around him, i never knew what to say, we never had a very good relationship... i couldnt be myself. In year 7 or around then, i started to get strange dreams that i only recently realised was because of this fighting... the dreams werent 'dreams' really.. just built up emotion trying to escape i think.. i remember everything would be calm and my head with quiet whispering and sometime wimpering voices would talk to me, then all of a sudden there was screaming and loud noises and my face was cringing and i would start to run(in my dream) i could see anything, but i knew i was running, after a while i started to like the dreams and try to force myself to have them. but anyway, moving on with the story... dad was present in my life continuously until year 9, i was 12. he told me he was going to fiji to see someone, a few weeks later he showed me a picture of her, yes her, and said this is my friend that im visiting... later that year he went there and married her. my mum told me that he had never actually met her before. anyway, dad came home and the awkwardness enhanced ten fold. months went past and i found out from my grandma that his wife was only an immigrant trying to get into the country, and accused him of rape just to stay in the country at least until the court case was over. (it was absolute bull if you were wondering)
ever since then... i can count the number of times ive seen him on one hand. he doesnt call, he doesnt come over. i only see him if my grandma has an xmas thing and he happens to turn up.. at which point we say hi how are you then ignore eachother for the rest of the day.
i dont know if i even want him to call or come over... im not sure if i want him to care... i dont know if he secretly does or if he misses me or if he feels as bad as i do about the tyness of our relationship.
he plays guitar, and this year i started too, and i want him to be proud of me for that... but i dont think that he'd care.. and i know that if i told him he'd say "oh yeh, thats good". no seriously thats what he'd say...
my dad is a man of few words to say the least, he keeps to himself....
i dont know what to do now or where to start on my road to getting past it... all i know is that i can't keep feeling like this...
please help

I have not spoken to my father for 25 years. I am now 49 and in a position to open up this relationship so I think we have a lot in common except that I'm a girl. I'd like to talk more but headed to the salon. Just one comment though. Families are so detailed and hard and difficult and on and on but maybe you and I should think about our good ones too. My good ones are so good that it brings tears to my eyes. Should we give a chance?
I wish someone would answer my post about kids. I need help there too!!

[emanwashere]

From your description, I would say your father is a selfish, immature person. Your story (and yours too Morrigan) breaks my heart. It would be nice to be able to tell you that it doesn't matter, you shouldn't take it personally, he's just a selfish a$$hole, so ignore him and get on with your life. But I know it's not that simple, even if the part about who he is is the truth. There's no way a child can not take it personally when a parent doesn't care enough to be there and take an interest in them as they grow up. It's a void that will always be there in your psyche, but with help from people who do love and care for you, you can eventually learn to feel your own worth and become a whole, healthy person in spite of it. It may be best to look at it a disadvantage or a handicap that you have to overcome in your life. Nobody's life is perfect. Everybody has their own challenges and unfortunate circumstances to deal with, and this is yours. It's a big deal, but it can't truly warp and destroy you unless you let it, so don't let it. Be strong, and take charge of your own healing. Your father is a pathetic figure, more to be pitied than punished. Don't waste your vital energy on anger (at least not too much--some is inevitable and even healthy). Relate to him in whatever way works best, as long as it doesn't dominate your identity or sap your energy. If that means no relationship at all, don't feel the least bit guilty about it. And if you ever have children of your own, remember the lessons he taught you and don't repeat his mistakes. Bless you.

Let me thank you for these words of wisdom. I haven't had contact with my father since he remarried a rich woman when I was 3. We had a couple phone calls when I was 12. They occurred right after I saw him at a child support hearing and he asked for my forgiveness. I decided then and there that I wouldn't let the pain of his absence burden me. I forgave him not to ease his conscience, but to get over the anger I felt towards him. I'm 19 now and thinking of trying to call him, but I don't know if anything will change. I have a sister, half brother, and another half sister and he won't talk to any of us. I don't know if it is worth the pain of remembering what he did, just to get turned down once again by my selfish coward dad. But once again, your words brought tears to my eyes and I truly thank you, I feel better after seeing someone else say what I know deep down in my heart.

[ordinaryguy]

Let me thank you for these words of wisdom. I haven't had contact with my father since he remarried a rich woman when I was 3. We had a couple phone calls when I was 12. They occured right after I saw him at a child support hearing and he asked for my forgiveness. I decided then and there that I wouldn't let the pain of his absence burden me. I forgave him not to ease his conscience, but to get over the anger I felt towards him. I'm 19 now and thinking of trying to call him, but I don't know if anything will change. I have a sister, half brother, and another half sister and he wont talk to any of us. I dont know if it is worth the pain of remembering what he did, just to get turned down once again by my selfish coward dad. But once again, your words brought tears to my eyes and I truly thank you, I feel better after seeing someone else say what I know deep down in my heart.

You're quite welcome. I'm glad it helped. My guess is that you're better off not contacting him, because he probably hasn't changed and it would just re-open your wound and set back your healing. I wish you all the best. I know it's a heavy burden that you carry. If you need help with it, have the courage to ask for it, there's no blame in that.

[Jake2008]

I was in a similar position, having survived extreme abuse, along with my two sisters, and my mother. We all grew up emotionally 'different'; the aftermath of an uncaring, disinterested parent will show up at some point in one's life, even if there is no physical abuse.

I personally think it has to be dealt with. People that affect your life in profound ways, have to at least attempt to explain their behaviour. People who suffered the effects of their actions all of their lives, deserve some explanation.

That is where it has to start. You cannot have a relationship sitting in the park playing your guitars, with a lifetime of history just under the surface. There has to be at least an understanding, and level of mutual respect and honesty, to then go forward, and develop a relationship. Rebuilding takes time, but you can't put the roof on, until you have built the walls.

That being said, I am a coward. Only one of my sisters ever had the courage to visit our father, and tell him what he did, and how it affected our lives, and still affected our lives. He was a willing listener, because at the time he was hooked up to machines. Lol I know, I have a sick sense of humour.

Anyway, she relayed the information of this one-way conversation to me, and I could only muster the shaking on the inside and disbelief at her actually taking this man on.

He went on to recover, and asked to see me. I refused, and sent word through my sister that should he come within 50 metres of my children, I would kill him. I left it at that.

She went on to visit him once a year, meet our 'half siblings', and develop a relationship with their children.

I had one more chance when he was dying, to visit. And again, I refused.

To make a long ramble short here, what I'm trying to say is, even though my life with him growing up was what it was, I regret with all my heart, not making that step to say goodbye.

If you have an opportunity, or feel comfortable enough creating an opportunity to see him, write to him, phone him etc. do it. This is for YOU, not him. Writing is good therapy, and a good way to communicate much of what you have said here. You must give him back the opportunity to make ammends.

In so doing, you are taking back in a way, what he took from you, and putting power back where it belongs. I'm not saying he deliberately hurt you, but he did hurt you, and he wasn't there, and he is an adult just like you, and needs to know how he affected your life.

To leave history as it is, is to never change it, and put it to rest.

Perhaps nothing more of your efforts will come other than the odd lunch, or watching a ball game together. Maybe he will still not communicate any better than he did when you were little.

But, finding that common ground, even a little bit, between a father and son, is not an opportunity to ignore.

My own opinion is, you will never regret it. What you will regret, is never knowing what could have been.

[OCD738]

For the original question, dated 2006, it may be of help to explain to your father that you want to be closer to him, if that's the case and then reach out even if he does not reciprocate. I come from a very close family and so I don't want to seem ignorant to the feelings that may come in families that have estrangements. But, knowing how I would probably feel myself I would pray hard about it first, and then find ways to reach out to the father and express an interest in showing that you care about him and then maybe he will be glad and return that even if its not a full reunion. It may be that the father is waiting for you to reach out to him. While I know as the father he should be the one to be doing that, people can be strange or feeling guilt sometimes. So I recommend praying about it first and then finding ways to reach out to the father. Also, of course the feelings of abondonment are real and likely the result of mistakes by your father, try to look for the good in your father as well. Try to ignore any gossip you may hear from others and look for his good traits first before thinking about mistakes he's made. Good luck.

[lemonv]

I feel your pain, as I also have an "absent", (but not so absent), father.
Please just remember... you're not locked in with him... he's locked in with you.

[blueeeey]

My boyfriend has 2 children that he has been alienated from for 8 years. He has been to court several times and tried to get contact to no avail. His children are now 14 and 10 and can hardly remember him. His ex wife has poisoned the children against him, so when they were aproached by a social worker from the court and asked if they would like to see there father they both said no. He has absolutely no come back. His ex wife having cooperated with reasnoble access for a year after the separation wanted an extra 15k on top of the agreed financial settlement of 160k, when he said no she threatened to make sure he never saw his children again and indeed has so far succeeded.Xmas presents are sent back, letters, face book accounts blocked etc. My point is, don't believe everything the parent you grew up with says about the other. Sometimes fathers just have to give up having tried in ways you may never have evan been told about.