[HelpinHere]

I'm in ARIZONA. Its 115 today. And it was only down to 92 last night after the sun went down.

What are you doing in Arizona if you can't stand the heat?
Kidding, I didn't realize where you were, but maybe bump the air up to 82? Exponential growth will make that equal a lot of money over a year or so.

again... how do you propose I MAKE him do anything??
And he smokes a carton a week. Each carton is 52$. So sometimes its more than 150 a month for ciggs.

I didn't say to make him do anything. I suggested reducing the number of cigarettes he smokes by two per pack. Since you handle the finances, I assumed you were the one to buy his cigarettes. And, since he agrees to what you propose, then forgets about it, I thought maybe he would agree to this, even if he were to forget you taking a few of his cigarettes.
I've done the same thing with my mother and uncle, and gotten them to reduce how much they smoked, and did the same thing for my brother who got a job on the condition that he would "quit smoking in three months" and he has been clean since. I actually got that trick from a group therapist who has been helping people quit for ~20 years or so, and he says it works ~90% of the time.

so... im not trying to be rude here... I honestly am not I promise... im going to try to say it nice, but I'm very stressed out and tired right now so sorry if I sound mean... but seriously how much life experience do you have with this kind of stuff?? Your answers all sound very naiive to me hon... I don't think you grasp the realitys of life well... things look GREAT when you write them all down on paper (marriage, bills, budgets) but the reality is VERY Different...

I understand, I am so young, so you think I don't know... :rolleyes:
No, I haven't had much experience with marriage, as you could imagine. However, with bills, budgets, and smokers, I do have more experience than most people. I run all of my 23 year old brother's finances, all of my own, and about half of my mother's and uncle's. (And basically control most of my friends' money, too.)
I'm a really... thrifty?. person, great with money... lol.
I have all three issues of "The Tightwad Gazette" (If you're never seen them, I suggest looking at your local library), and those are filled with tips on how to save money.
I completely understand if you don't completely trust my advice on this, granted I do make mistakes a lot, but I also know a few things about budgeting too. If you just want me to shut up, though, just say so. :D

[jenniepepsi]

OK so I just got a call from a friend here in phoenix who is also a member of the online mommys group we have in our city. And she says that while I'm over here at my moms house, issac is logging on to MY account on the moms group and posting as me!!

OK I'm tired of trying to be nice... HOW FREAKING CHILDISH IS THAT!!

[jenniepepsi]

What are you doing in Arizona if you can't stand the heat? who knows ;) hehehe i want to go back to washington one day. need money :P hehe. but the cost of living IS cheaper out there hehe.
Kidding, I didn't realize where you were, but maybe bump the air up to 82? Exponential growth will make that equal a lot of money over a year or so. thats a great idea ill try that. thanks hon. (why i didnt think of that i DONT KNOW LOL
again...how do you propose i MAKE him do anything????
and he smokes a carton a week. each carton is 52$. so sometimes its more than 150 a month for ciggs.

I didn't say to make him do anything. I suggested reducing the number of cigarettes he smokes by two per pack. Since you handle the finances, I assumed you were the one to buy his cigarettes. And, since he agrees to what you propose, then forgets about it, I thought maybe he would forget you taking a few of his cigarettes.
I've done the same thing with my mother and uncle, and gotten them to reduce how much they smoked, and did the same thing for my brother who got a job on the condition that he would "quit smoking in three months" and he has been clean since. I actually got that trick from a group therapist who has been helping people quit for ~20 years or so, and he says it works ~90% of the time. Ive tried this too, unfortunatley what happens is while he is at work, he will 'bum' money off people at work to get a pack. i have no problem with him bumming a ciggarette off friends at work if thats what he wants, but he has his friends BUYING him packs, and then expects me to make up the difference so he can pay them back.



I understand, I am so young, so you think I don't know... :rolleyes:
No, I haven't had much experience with marriage, as you could imagine. However, with bills, budgets, and smokers, I do have more experience than most people older than me. I run all of my 23 year old brother's finances, all of my own, and about half of my mother's and uncle's. (And basically control most of my friends' money, too.)
I'm a really... thrifty?. person, great with money... lol.
I have all three issues of "The Tightwad Gazette" (If you're never seen them, I suggest looking at your local library), and those are filled with tips on how to save money.
I completely understand if you don't completely trust my advice on this, granted I do make mistakes a lot, but I also know a few things about budgeting too. If you just want me to shut up, though, just say so. :D[/QUOTE]
i know hon, you do have good ideas. im sorry i snapped at you *hugs* i really am. im just a little tense right now. forgive me?

[HelpinHere]

what doesn't add up?? He has worked there as a sales associate in electronics for 2 years now.

Well, I'm not completely sure on all of the policies, but if he is working full time, at minimum wage in Arizona, then that's 40x6.9
=276 a week, x4.3 (average month) = 1186.8 a month, before any raises he has received over the years, and taxes (not sure about taxes in Arizona)...
I was getting confused, because when I first looked at it, I factored in OUR minimum wage, I didn't think about what state you were in, and that confused me... :o

its just a regular old apartment. What's a grandfather clause?

A grandfather clause means if you have lived there for 5 years, but you signed a lease when you moved in, and they raise the base rate, they can't charge you that much because your lease stated $100 less, for example.
Basically, your rent stays what it said in the lease, only raising by 5% a year (or whatever the limit is), instead of raising 125% for everyone else. (The way it works is landlords can charge whatever they want, but to only new tennents. If you signed a lease before they raised it, then it doesn't apply to you.)
You may want to look into that, you may have been paying too much, but I'm not sure, lol.

I KEEP FORGETTING that you're in a different state, so state/local laws that apply to me won't apply to you, necessarilly. Sorry for any confusion/wasted time by anything I posted without thinking about that... :o

(sorry, had to run to another post to get more quoted stuff, :P)

Yes, it's all good. You have a right to be frustrated, and I'll stop trying to help, if that's what you want! :p
*hugs back* and if you really think you need me to forgive you, then I do, but you don't need it.

Just caught the connection, too much is talking to his friends for money...
have you tried talking to THEM and explaining your financial system, asking them to not lend him any more money? If he can't get money from them, then that much money less he has to owe. :)

[N0help4u]

...because he once again, for the 5 time this MONTH, over drew our account.

already we pay out more than what we have

well, right now his complaint is that HE has no EXTRA spending money...

well im sorry. NEITHER DO I.

am i being mean here?

N0 you are not being mean here, you are not being unreasonable you did exactly the right thing. He needs a tough love wake up.
He needs to realize the responsibility rather than his wanting a Monster and a Snicker!

You can not be expected to work around his wastefulness with money you don't have to pay bills that you can't afford.

You would be better off going NOW than later, once you have her in school it will be harder on her changing schools --NEW START NOW is better.

That hat I posted is looking more and more reasonable!

Can you try having him sit down with you and doing the bills with you?
That might help give him a better perspective.

I also agree buy bulk but hide it otherwise he will think since you have an abundance he can suck it down twice as fast. Been there, dealt with it.

[jenniepepsi]

Well, I'm not completely sure on all of the policies, but if he is working full time, at minimum wage in Arizona, then that's 40x6.9
=276 a week, x4.3 (average month) = 1186.8 a month, before any raises he has recieved over the years, and taxes (not sure about taxes in Arizona)...
I was getting confused, because when I first looked at it, I factored in OUR minimum wage, I didn't think about what state you were in, and that confused me... :o


A grandfather clause means if you have lived there for 5 years, but you signed a lease when you moved in, and they raise the base rate, they can't charge you that much because your lease stated $100 less, for example.
Basically, your rent stays what it said in the lease, only raising by 5% a year (or whatever the limit is), instead of raising 125% for everyone else. (The way it works is landlords can charge whatever they want, but to only new tennents. If you signed a lease before they raised it, then it doesn't apply to you.)
You may want to look into that, you may have been paying too much, but I'm not sure, lol.

I KEEP FORGETTING that you're in a different state, so state/local laws that apply to me won't apply to you, necessarilly. Sorry for any confusion/wasted time by anything I posted without thinking about that... :o

(sorry, had to run to another post to get more quoted stuff, :P)

Yes, it's all good. You have a right to be frustrated, and I'll stop trying to help, if that's what you want! :p
*hugs back* and if you really think you need me to forgive you, then I do, but you don't need it.

Just caught the connection, too much is talking to his friends for money...
have you tried talking to THEM and explaining your financial system, asking them to not lend him any more money? If he can't get money from them, then that much money less he has to owe. :)

Here let me copy down his paystub.



REgular Earning Rate: $9.45hr hours 54.13 earnings: 511.53


(we do not pay into state or federall taxes, something about being married with 6 exemptions and making under a certain amount each paycheck.
SOcial security : 45.42
Life insurance 2.30
Ins MED U 65
Ins DEN U 11.90


CUrrent Earnings 511.53
Taxes 45.42
Other deductions 79.20
Net pay 418.91


He IS written down as a full time employee, and last year he was making 80 hours and we were bringing home 1300 (which was still tight but MUCH better and easier)
But they are cutting hours left and right.so he is still making over 30 hrs a week but only barely.


Nohelp, we have sat down so many many times and did the bills together, it does no good. :( he agrees and works with me and we get it all hashed out together and he KNOWS we have no money left, he STILL spends our money.


I have gone through our bills so many many times and there is nothing that can be cut back at all. Everything is at the bare minimum

[artlady]

I think my first question would be why you would take on the responsibility of marrying someone with a mental disability and not accept the inherent problems associated with that?

Most of the problems you post about revolve around his inability to do something. I guess my question Jennie is are you having unrealistic expectations for someone who is mentally challenged?

What are his capabilities as far as handling money?

You took on a responsibility to be with a person with a handicap and with all due respect , it appears that much of the difficulty seems to stem from his immaturity and that may never change.

Maybe your expectations are unrealistic. Does he have a social worker or a coach that he sees?

Public assistance offers programs to teach people how to budget and maybe you guys need to take advantage of that.

There are life skills programs for the people who have little experience.That might be useful.

I think you must have known the challenges you were going to be put in when you married a man with M.R..

[jenniepepsi]

I didn't know he was THIS bad arty. I admit we rushed it... I know better now and won't ever make that mistake again... but we met in February of 2006, and were married October of 2006. I knew he was slower. But I had no idea he was this bad.

He also already took a live in life skills program for mentally handicapped adults to learn how to function independently. I'm not sure what happened though. He was there for 3 years living in the program. (its a live in program) but it doest seem to have helped much.

I am going to take a budget class, aylas school offers it to parents of the studends (as well as parenting classes, cooking classes, anything you can think of.)

[Alty]

Jennie, the thing that worries me most is Ayla.

You've admitted that you had men in and out of her life since she was born.

Now she has a father, someone that takes her to the pool, spends time with her, loves her, and you're thinking of taking that away from her again.

She has problems already, I think the majority of them are because of the revolving door of men that come and go from her life.

She needs stability.

It's hard to deal with, I know, but still, what are you doing to help the problem?

You say you've looked for work, well look harder. You say that your disabilities make it hard for you to work, but your husband also has disabiliites yet he works every day to put food on the table.

I know it's frustrating not to have enough money every month, but if you're not part of the solution then you're part of the problem. He works, what do you do?

I don't want to be mean, I just can't help but think that you're mad about something you have the power to change but are unwilling to change.

What do you do all day? You started another thread saying how bored you are now that Ayla is in school, well then, go out, do something to bring in extra money for your family.

[jenniepepsi]

Um... since her bio dad left there was one guy name matt, and then my husband issac... thats it...

So... almost all my friends and family are telling me NOT to stay with him just for ayla because if me and issac aren't happy, she isn't going to be happy...

But I should stay with him and keep trying (after 2 years of the same things) because of ayla?

Isn't the first rule all marriage counselors tell you is to NOT stay in the marriage JUST for the kids?

At least that's what ours told us last year when we were going.


*EDIT* besides... im not thinking my marriage is all that stable at the moment and hasn't been for years... so I'm not sure how she is going to get stability with us staying in this marriage...

[Unknown008]

i know. i didnt mean to sound as harsh as i did to HH (i just re read it *blushes*) im very very sorry HH. i didnt mean it in a mean way. i hope you understand *hugs*

altenweg, i have worked at subway 3 different times, walmart 4 different times, and 2 gas stations over night, i tried over night to see if that would help.
all of the jobs were ended because of me. i did a 'voluntary termination due to medical issues' and all of the employers told me to come back. but every time i did, it all just happend all over again. each time i had a job i was depressed, not sleeping well, and then being exhasted while at work, not eating or OVER eating, and then i would come home, and the house would be a mess because i had no energy to take care of it, so that depressed me even more...

its hard to explain.

The most urgent I think now is that:
1. Your husband is spending too much on cigarettes.
2. He is the only one able to bring some money home.

This time, you must be willing to work. If one likes a job, I don't think that one would be depressed. Try to find some easy job, which you think you won't be 'spending too much of your energy' and bringing at least some income. As Alty said, if you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

If you do find a job, you can create a separate bank account, and make savings. If your husband keeps on overspending, your combined account (sp?) will soon be empty. That way, you'll also show him how much money he can waste, without risking to lose all your savings.

Your husband seriously needs to reduce, or better cut off with smoking. I know it's a difficult and long process, but it's the best solution concerning his overspending on cigs. Could you perhaps try the basics for stopping smoking like nicotine patchs?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know you love him, and that's another good reason to make sure he does destroy himself, and taking you and Ayla with him.

Try having cheaper foodstuff, which are healthy as well. McDonalds, besides being not that cheap is neither very good for your health with all the stuff they put in it.

I wish you the best of luck with that. I have no experience in budgeting, but I know some people who went better through similar situations by doing the above things. Perseverance is the key. It's hard, but worth it. :)

[Gemini54]

Jenni, my husband works with adults that have mild intellectual disabilities (which is what it is called in Australia), and one of the things that many of the people he works with find difficult to understand is consequences.

Your average person may understand consequences or ignore them, but people like your husband can't comprehend them. Hence the continual overdrawing of the account, as one example. He may say he understands, but he actually doesn't, and in fact, can't.

So, taking away the debit card is really your only option if you don't want this to happen again. In fact, if you don't want it to happen at all you probabaly need to manage the finances, bills and food stamps yourself and give him pocket money on a daily basis. You may well have to do this for the rest of your married lives.

Budget classes may help you, but what you really need is to take on some work - even if it is casual or part time. It's not sustainable to be continually in debt or to keep borrowing off your mother, and in fact, it's unfair. But, of course you know this.

You say that you find it difficult to work because it makes you sick, but what will you do if you and Isaac separate? Surely you'll need to get some work to support yourself and your daughter? It's very impotant to find some work for yourself, if only to give yourself a sense of purpose and some pride in your achievements.

Essentially I agree with Altenweg, you have taken on an adult with a disability so you either deal with it and 'manage him', as there is little possibility that he will change, or you leave. You've already had three years in this relationship, and so you have a good sense of what the future with him is likely to bring.

If you stay you will need to find appropriate supports for both yourself and him.

[artlady]

On one post you say you are in counseling and in another you say you haven't since last year? HUH?
If you really want any help here you have to be honest.

[Hardy23]

If you think you can't do it, Then leave it. Now you can't do it. Because you have set it in your mind.

[artlady]

We are in your corner Jennie,please know that.
We are also blatantly honest.
If you ask for advise ,you know us ,we tell it as we see it .:)

[jenniepepsi]

I know arty. No worries. I'm just stressed, and I didn't sleep last night as I was up all night thinking (and unfortunately smokeing all night too, I KNOW I quit and then I did it again all last night, I am NOT smoking today)

I should take a nap but my mind is racing right now, and I am having a bit of anxiety (im breathing a little quickly and my heart feels like its going to break my ribs its pounding so hard) I would take a trazadone (a sleep aid my doc gave me) but I have to pick ayla up from school soon and I don't want to over sleep you know? Ill just make sure to take a trazadone tonight and sleep tonight.

Thank you everyone so much for your help. I'm so very sorry if I ever came off as mean or snippy. I know your all trying to help, and yes, I know you ladies, very blunt ;) it's a good thing.


But I would like to say. I'm NOT a martyr as someone had said... I am simply at my ropes end having delt with this non stop for 2 years... so I'm sorry if I am not a superwoman and I cannot deal with it. Its not like I'm doing it on puprpose.

*EDIT* I also checked my medicine cabnet and my atavan bottle is empty LOL. Go figure huh?

[s_cianci]

Jennie, I'm sorry you're going through all of this crap. Guess what the #1 stressor in a marriage is? You already know the answer. Have you made him aware of your financial situation? Not in an argumentative sort of way but in a matter-of-fact way, paper and pencil in hand? Like you did here with us ; show him "look, our disposable income is $____ and our expenses are $_______." Now, when you're not meeting your budget, and it sounds like you aren't, you need to do one of two things ; increase your income or cut back on your expenses. Now it doesn't seem that you have much leeway left to cut back on, at least not based on what you've told us here. That leaves one option. Granted, I know that this is not exactly the best of times with which to look for a more lucrative job. And it seems like your husband's disability may limit his earning potential as it is. Have you looked into some sort of SSI supplemental disability? Maybe your husband could qualify. I'm not sure but it may be worth looking in to. Have you considered finding a part-time job? Not the best scenario since you have a young child and all but it may be necessary for right now. As for that matter, has your husband considered moonlighting? If he's so hell-bent on having extra spending money then his moonlight job could provide that for him. I will say one thing for sure ; a divorce will add to, not take away from, your financial pressures. Keep that in mind as you weight your options and make your decisions.

[jenniepepsi]

Yeah I'm going to talk to him about applying. I'm not sure if he would qualify though because he can hold a job (and has held a job steadily for the last 10 years. Only 2 separate jobs. With no problems)

Yeah I'm trying to find a job at the moment. That's what I do online a lot is apply for jobs and I am on monster.com (a jobbing website) . (its 110* today lol and that's normal, I walk to and fromaylas school twice a day, and once I do that, I just don't have the strength to do it more lol.)

I'm also looking for more children to babysit for, which is PERFECT for me, it doesn't stress me out (the one exception was my previous family, but that was due to the mothers abusive additude and demanding/'taking advantage of' behavior towards me.)
Nor does babysitting depress me or make me manic. I love it. And now that ayla is in school it will also be easier.

[s_cianci]

issac is logging on to MY account on the moms group and posting as me!!

Then you need to change your passwords immediately! And make your you always actually log off when you're finished ; don't let your computer keep you signed in.

[s_cianci]

yeah I'm gonna talk to him about applying. I'm not sure if he would qualify though because he can hold a job (and has held a job steadily for the last 10 years. only 2 separate jobs. with no problems)

yeah I'm trying to find a job at the moment. thats what i do online a lot is apply for jobs and i am on monster.com (a jobbing website) . (its 110* today lol and thats normal, i walk to and from Ayla's school twice a day, and once i do that, i just don't have the strength to do it more lol.)

I'm also looking for more children to babysit for, which is PERFECT for me, it doesn't stress me out (the one exception was my previous family, but that was due to the mothers abusive attitude and demanding/'taking advantage of' behavior towards me.)
nor does babysitting depress me or make me manic. i love it. and now that ayla is in school it will also be easier.

Sounds like you've got some good ides here. Even though your husband is capable of "holding down a job" he may still qualify for supplemental benefits. My first "real-world" job as a 17-yr. old teeny-bopper was working as a utility guy in a restaurant. One of my co-workers (who did the same job as me) was "mentally challenged" (or whatever the PC term for it is nowadays lol!) I'm going to guess his age at the time was 40-something. He lived with his parents, worked 30-35 hours a week, made minimum wage (which, at the time was $3.35/hr.) and still received some sort of SSI disability income. So definitely look into that.