Check out some similar questions!

makapuu · Aug 12, 2009, 11:01 PM

My boyfriend ran into one of his ex-girlfriends a while back. The story is, they dated for about a year. He moved to Hawaii for a job and she was supposed to quit her job and go with him, but instead she found another boyfriend at work and didn't move. Two years have passed and they ran into each other at a reunion and now she's calling all the time. My boyfriend thinks nothing of it, but in the past few months she has called to tell him that she recently broke up with her boyfriend, has started exercising and lost a lot of weight. She is planning a trip to Hawaii to visit.

amicon · Aug 12, 2009, 11:34 PM

You should have a serious talk with your boyfriend.her behaviour is odd.does she know about you?

I wish · Aug 13, 2009, 01:33 AM

You got to ask yourself how much you trust your boyfriend. If you trust him, then let him handle the situation. If you don't trust him, then you definitely need to confront him about your concerns.

makapuu · Aug 13, 2009, 02:19 AM

I trust my boyfriend wholeheartedly. I know he loves me and would never hurt me. It's the woman that I don't trust. My boyfriend is friends with all his ex's, and his friendliness is probably mistaken as flirting. He talks about me when his ex's call, but they still call and want to see him. I had a bad experience with one of my boyfriend's ex's. I got annoyed at how she would always hang around him at office parties, so I walked up to her and showed her the diamond ring he gave me, and she almost burst into tears right on the spot. I felt really bad, but my boyfriend said that his ex needed "to deal with it".
I'm afraid that when this other ex flies over for an "innocent" visit, she will get a very expensive dose of reality when she realizes she can't get him back either.
I'd like to save her the trip, but I can't wait to show her my ring.

artlady · Aug 13, 2009, 02:44 AM

If you trust your boyfriend then you have to trust that he can and will handle this is an appropriate way.

Not trusting her motives is reasonable but bottom line ,he has to be the one to make her understand it is only friendship.

Personally,I would not like it.

To be friends with an ex should mean limited contact.

If I see you I say hi and we are friendly and civil.

Hanging out and being best buds,no,I wouldn't like it.

There are too many past emotional ties to be considered.I don't trust her motives.I would keep a very close eye on them if I were you.

Sounds fishy.

talaniman · Aug 13, 2009, 08:14 AM

Sorry, that's to far out of bounds for me. Going to visit a newly available ex, without you, crosses many boundaries of respect. Its not a matter of trust, but respect. No I wouldn't like it one bit, and would let my partner know it. That's carrying friendship a bit to far, in my opinion.

makapuu · Aug 13, 2009, 08:01 PM

Actually T-man, it's the other way around... she is newly single and is coming over here to see him.
What on earth is she thinking? I'm hoping she'll come to her senses. Just because she lost weight and may have some self-confidence doesn't mean that she can win her ex back.

On a side note: ONE thing that my boyfriend LOVES about me is that I exercise to stay healthy. It really BUGS me that several of his ex-girlfriends think they can win him back if they just lose some weight... WRONG!! From what my boyfriend has told me, I've got more of what he wants in a girlfriend than they ever could have... but still they try!

amicon · Aug 13, 2009, 08:07 PM

I'm starting to smell a rat here-what kind of signals are your boyfriend sending out for these exes to think they can get back with him?

artlady · Aug 13, 2009, 09:46 PM

On a side note: ONE thing that my boyfriend LOVES about me is that I exercise to stay healthy. It really BUGS me that several of his ex-girlfriends think they can win him back if they just lose some weight... WRONG!! From what my boyfriend has told me, I've got more of what he wants in a girlfriend than they ever could have... but still they try!

Looks aren't everything and a nice body is not a foundation for a good relationship.It is very superficial to even place any focus on.

Romefalls19 · Aug 14, 2009, 05:13 AM

They are crossing a line, and tell your boyfriend this. The most common problem in relationships is the lack of communication. I, for one, have no problem voicing my displeasure when something is going on that I don't like. You have to be prepared to stand your ground before things get out of hand. You need to sit him down and talk about this.

makapuu · Aug 24, 2009, 03:18 AM

My boyfriend says that he loves me and would never do anything to ruin that. He said that he didn't tell his ex-GF to come visit him, so therefore he's not going to tell her not to come visit him. He says I'm being suspicious for no reason. She's supposedly coming over around Thanksgiving.

Gemini54 · Aug 24, 2009, 03:37 AM

I think that it's inappropriate for her to be visiting him without you there, and he needs to indicate to her that he's in a serious, committed relationship.

I note from your previous posts that there was a problem with another ex that had cancer - is this the same one?

It's all very well for him to say to you that he can't tell her NOT to come and see him - of course he can. I think that this is a cop-out. He likes the attention, and you might like to call him on that.

I'm not saying that he's untrustworthy, I'm just saying that he's playing a dangerous game.

talaniman · Aug 24, 2009, 06:40 AM

Did he at least bother to tell her he was in a relationship? No way is this appropriate. Not in my mind any way.

makapuu · Aug 26, 2009, 03:30 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Did he at least bother to tell her he was in a relationship?? No way is this appropriate. Not in my mind any way.

He's told her that he is in a relationship. I overhear him talking about me when he's on the phone with her. My boyfriend was highly commitment phobic before he met me. His former relationships usually only lasted a year before the women dumped him because he was so non-committal. I think this ex is trying to stir up trouble and wants to be around when it happens. But it's not going to happen, she misunderstood my boyfriend when she was dating him, and she is misunderstanding him now.
When my boyfriend talks to her on the phone, it sounds no different than when he talks with his other male friends. My boyfriend acts clueless when I even suggest that his ex wants him back. I'm not worried about my relationship, I just hate seeing a desperate woman make a total fool of herself. I sort of know how it feels.

makapuu · Aug 26, 2009, 03:50 AM

Originally Posted by gemini 54

I note from your previous posts that there was a problem with another ex that had cancer - is this the same one?

This is not the same one. The ex that had cancer died about a month ago.

Gemini54 · Aug 26, 2009, 05:44 AM

but he really says it's just a friendship.

Well in that case he can let her know that he doesn't want to see her - particularly if you're so worried that she'll make a fool of herself.

Save her the indignity.

talaniman · Aug 26, 2009, 07:57 AM

I'm not worried about my relationship, I just hate seeing a desperate woman make a total fool of herself. I sort of know how it feels.

All due respect, but that's a leap, as to her motives, an assumption on your part, forget that!

You make sure your b/f knows EXACTLY how you feel without being overbearing, just so he knows where you stand, then you back away, and let him handle it his way.

Sooo Confused · Aug 26, 2009, 11:20 AM

Ummm honey, your boyfriend/fiancee is playing games with you. The fact that you say he is just friendly, but comes off as flirty to his ex'es would be a red flag for me. He knows from past experiences how you have felt about another ex, and he is trying to chalk it up like you are the one that is overreacting. My bet is he LOVES all this attention, and knows exactly what he is doing by not cutting ties with ex'es that have not fully moved on from him. He sounds selfish, and maybe playing with you.

makapuu · Aug 27, 2009, 02:47 AM

My boyfriend is dense when it comes to figuring out women. I'm sure he loves the attention that his ex's give him, but I don't think he'd ever get emotionally involved with them again. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens again.

From what my boyfriend tells me about her, if history repeats itself, she'll probably find another boyfriend before Thanksgiving and not fly over.

Sooo Confused · Aug 27, 2009, 09:40 AM

But is that okay with you to live like that, hoping and waiting to see what happens. I believe, and believe me I learned this the hard way, that when your relationship ends up wondering if you can truly believe what the other is saying to you, that you don't 100% trust the other person, is it really worth sticking around and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, history does repeat itself and in your boyfriends case, he has had issues with ex'es being upset about him moving on, and it is almost like he encourages their behavior by not just saying, you need to move on and contact needs to be cut in order for that to happen. Instead he is almost encouraging the behavior, and that to me is a HUGE red flag. As I said before, this is your relationship, I am only offering advice, cause like others on here, we have been there and done that, we can show you the scenic route, but if you want to continue to find out for yourself, I wish you luck and hope that he does not end up breaking your heart. Good luck!