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claudia29 · Sep 2, 2009, 10:47 AM

Wow . So its been a month. I think at times that maybe if I leave, it will be then that he will realize what he had with me but I have this feeling that he knows I am a good woman but he just does not love me anymore... he told me yesterday morning that he does love me and wants to make it work but then he came home from work and left all day... actions speak louder than words... Im sorry about this happening to u... I know the hurt u feel... its an emptiness when the person u have done so much for does not see it and hurts u... I hope with time u will find a wife that will love u as u do her...

asking · Sep 2, 2009, 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by twelvemonkeys

I just feel like everything was a lie..the marriage, when she said I love you, I knew it too! That's why I pulled away, I was right and it sucks. Don't know what to do about that, now I just want to believe that she loves me - she said it so many times..but it had to be fake.

There's no reason it has to be all or nothing or to say she was lying. She could have loved you when you two married but later fallen out of love. This happens all the time.

Gemini54 · Sep 2, 2009, 04:53 PM

Originally Posted by asking

There's no reason it has to be all or nothing or to say she was lying. She could have loved you when you two married but later fallen out of love. This happens all the time.

I agree.

People with the personality traits that you describe in your wife fall in and out of love very easily. Once you become (in their eyes) the 'bad guy' in the relationship, they have the capacity to detach very easily and move on.

It wasn't a lie, you loved her and gave it your best shot. That is all that you can ever do.

Try not to take it personally, and understand that it is about her, not about you. Hopefully you will eventually see it as an experience that informs and enriches your life rather than detracts from it.

asking · Sep 2, 2009, 05:47 PM

This is a painful time for you, but you are learning and growing and becoming the person who will have a better, happier relationship in the future.

twelvemonkeys · Sep 15, 2009, 12:11 PM

Moved and edited

I haven't been contacted her at all... she wrote me an angry email asking if I cared and told me to let her know about our joint business venture... I let her know and that was that.. she said "thanks for your response. hope your therapy is going well."

Last night before she took me off her top 4, she wrote me "hows life" I responded " doing well, how about you?" she didn't answer so I signed off.. at 1:30 am she said "sad"..

I am so depressed, I just want back in. We were married, are married, I hate it when she refers to us a not being so.. Like in her email she said "yes, we were married, but now that we're not 'together' doesn't mean you can ignore me" SHe is just slowly phasing me out..

I don't know what to do.. I just want things to be the way they were! What should I do? Ask her to lunch? She said before she doesn't want to see me for three months.. can I change this or will it push her away?

I hate this!

talaniman · Sep 15, 2009, 12:29 PM

I would do as she said, and leave her alone for the 3 months she asked for.

twelvemonkeys · Sep 15, 2009, 12:39 PM

But I feel it's just giving her time to get over me... it's how she usually does it.. she just forgets and moves on.

Whenever she sees me we always end up together. Why is she messaging me then?

cdavison · Sep 15, 2009, 12:44 PM

You have to let her go. It's going to be painful and you are going to long for her more than you ever thought you would. You are going to think about her and imagine the good times, only they'll seem much better in your memory than they ever really were. Like a hundred times more enhanced and the bad times will seem as if they never happened at all.

But remember this. You broke up for her reason. Remember the pain, if only to keep things in perspective. Because you were with her for so long and because you opened up your heart and you loved her, you are bound to long for her and you are bound to miss her. It doesn't mean you are supposed to be with her or that you should go back. It hurts when you are no longer with someone you once were with, or when something that was defined as something definite, is suddenly not so clear. You want it to be back the way it was but sometimes it can't and shouldn't be.

Dude, you deserve better. I say this, from what I've read. You will meet someone in time, but for now let her go. It's going to hurt and it's going to be tough. But stay strong. Don't call her, don't let her dictate your life or when you'll talk to her. Don't let her have any control over your life, she's hurt you enough. You have to be in control of you now. And worry about you. Stay away from her, difficult as it is.

twelvemonkeys · Sep 15, 2009, 12:45 PM

Should I take her off my top four?

twelvemonkeys · Sep 15, 2009, 12:47 PM

Thank you cdavison, your post was really touching.. you're right it is hard when something was so definite. I mean to me, marriage is the most definite thing.. I thought I had the girl I loved forever, and now everything is so messed up. I can't believe it.

amicon · Sep 15, 2009, 12:49 PM

What advice would you give a friend if they came to you with this story?Your wife s emotionally abusing you can't you see that?Anyone can say I love you but it's the way people act that shows us whether there s love there.Sorry but if I were you I run for the hills.

twelvemonkeys · Sep 15, 2009, 12:49 PM

But shouldn't I at least see what's going on? I mean what if she misses me as much as I miss her and is trying to reach out? Should I ask her to lunch?

Maybe she took me off her myspace because I've been doing NC and she thinks I'm moving on.

cdavison · Sep 15, 2009, 12:56 PM

Even if she misses you, she isn't worth it. You need to let go.

You don't want to be hurt again by the same girl and this won't even be the second or third time, there comes a point when you just have to say enough is enough. And believe me, I know what it's like to love the wrong girl with all your heart. And what it's like to want to go back and even to go back. Things won't ever be the same.

Gemini54 · Sep 15, 2009, 08:18 PM

Dear 12monkeys,

You are in the process of grieving the end of a significant relationship. Of course you feel sad and somewhat crazed! You are mourning the loss of your hopes, dreams, aspirations. You are also mourning what you thought and hoped your wife was - and what you thought and hoped your life was.

The reality is somewhat different. She is in fact emotionally abusive and manipulative. Going back to her will make you feel better, temporarily. She will feel vindicated because she got you back. But she will also respect you even less because you went back. She will see you as weak, and will tell you so, continually. You can never win.

Don't kid yourself. She's already over you. Saying she misses you is just her 'casting the line' to see if you'll take the bait. Please don't take it.

It's really hard, because you did love her, but now you must let go. My advice:

1. Maintain a strict NC attitude.
2. Forget about “being friends” with your ex (“being friends” means “not ready to let go”).
3. Try to get a sense of why you were attracted to her and deal with these issues.
4. Make your primary focus from now to take care of yourself, reconnect with your family and friends and rediscover yourself and what makes you happy.

Welcome to the real world. Sometimes love and marriage are not for life. But there is life after divorce and there is happiness. Many people on this forum will attest to that.

I genuinely feel your pain, but be strong, it does pass.

Love, Gemini

Cat1864 · Sep 15, 2009, 09:13 PM

twelvemonkeys, you can't save her from herself only she can save herself. She needs more help than your love can give her. She needs the people in her life to stand up to her and take away all of her options except getting help. She needs professionals who can deal with her unemotionally and on extremely strict terms.

Divorce and a clean break will hurt you but in the end they will be kinder than trying to stay in the relationship.

You are always going to have feelings for her. Just be glad that you getting out while it is still closer to love and not hate.

Jake2008 · Sep 16, 2009, 07:45 AM

There will be no progress to be made, by her, to change, until she quits the weed. All efforts with medication and therapy will be compromised.

That should be one minimum expectation you should insist on, with consequences if she doesn't quit.

She is in self-destruct mode, and you need to address your needs with a counsellor, and stop being an enabler.

jham123 · Sep 16, 2009, 03:39 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Try going to this website: A Shrink for Men

^^This is the only thing I got out of this thread... thanks Gemini54...

12Monkeys... 8 months? Really? Just run while the running is still good... If you don't run, please have a vasectomy so that you do not bring any children into this train wreck of a union.