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Deebee1965 · Aug 10, 2009, 07:28 AM

Hi, I will try to keep this brief.

A while ago I encouraged my wife to sleep with another man (I now realise I was stupid)
She saw this man a few times and she says felt affection for him but not love. I asked it to stop as I was worried it was turning into something serious, she did stop but was not happy about it.
We have not had sex now for 19 months as she says she has lost her sex drive, but today she told me she had not lost her sex drive, just her sex drive towards me, the obvious thing staring me in the face if she still having sexual desires but not for me is that she no longer loves me and I in fact turn her off.
If still has sex drive, but not with me, is there anything I can do or have I blown it.

Any opoinions wopuld be appreciated.

Deebee1965

Ps I know it is all my fault

Justwantfair · Aug 10, 2009, 07:34 AM

If my partner wanted me to sleep with another man, it would definitely turn me off, make me feel guilty and probably make me feel like a slut for following through.

Marriage counseling may help your situation, as I doubt it is her sex drive for you that is lost, but the hurt and pain of infidelity.

As a woman, when I am not having sex or thinking about sex, it becomes less important. Sometimes it's just a matter of getting her back into the mood of sex. Use all of her favorite turn on's and try your relationship with a fresh slate. An apology for asking her to sleep with another may also help to open up the lines of communication again.

Deebee1965 · Aug 10, 2009, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

If my partner wanted me to sleep with another man, it would definately turn me off, make me feel guilty and probably make me feel like a slut for following through.

Marriage counseling may help your situation, as I doubt it is her sex drive for you that is lost, but the hurt and pain of infidelity.

As a woman, when I am not having sex or thinking about sex, it becomes less important. Sometimes it's just a matter of getting her back into the mood of sex. Use all of her favorite turn on's and try your relationship with a fresh slate. An apology for asking her to sleep with another may also help to open up the lines of communication again.

Hi Justwantfair
Thanks for replying
My wife did not originally want to my carry out my kink, but I went on about it and she did agree in the end. She slept with afriend of mine who she said she had fancied for quite a while, she had sex with about 6 or 7 times over a 2 year period and she looked forward to seeing him, she said it spiced up her life but always confirmed it was me she loved and during this period I will be honest the whole thing turned me on. A while ago unfortunately we all agreed it would be great for them to spend the whole night together for the first time and when she came back it was all great until she said she had had the best night of her life and that is when it all went wrong and I was upset and asked for it to stop. As far as I am aware they have not seen other since but her sex drive had disappeared, then today she tells me her drive is still there, just not for me, even though she says she still fancies me(I am confused).
I have tried apologies, romance and all her turns on but she is just not interested.
This is why I (all my own fault) now fear I might have lost her.

Deebee

N0help4u · Aug 10, 2009, 11:39 AM

I agree with Justwantfair,
She has felt that her married life was shattered, got a taste of another pasture and feels overwhelmed at what all this is suppose to mean. I know for some girls not being in the mood can be just not thinking about it to where its not something she cares one way or another about
And she feels you violated her idea of a happy couple
She looks at things differently now and probably does have a hard time feeling IN love

You need to go to counselling and get your marriage back on track to see if that helps any.

bronzebabe · Aug 10, 2009, 12:21 PM

This is a Big problem.
First, you are right that it was a bad thing to Let her sleep with anyone else. But, she had to Want to sleep with him, or she wouldn't have.
The minute she slept with the other guy, your relationship changed, forever. Now she is telling you she doesn't want sex with you. I can bet you that she IS having sex elsewhere.
Unless she agrees to go to therapy, this marriage is over. And, I think you know that.
Suggest therapy, if she won't go, find a good divorce lawyer.

Alty · Aug 10, 2009, 12:26 PM

You can't go back and change what happened, you can only go forward.

You said that you encouraged her to do this, that originally she didn't want to. Well, I think she may resent you for it a bit. I know I would.

You both need to get into therapy, find a way to move forward.

Good luck.

Synnen · Aug 10, 2009, 01:04 PM

Originally Posted by bronzebabe

This is a Big problem.
First, you are right that it was a bad thing to Let her sleep with anyone else. But, she had to Want to sleep with him, or she wouldn't have.
The minute she slept with the other guy, your relationship changed, forever. Now she is telling you she doesn't want sex with you. I can bet you that she IS having sex elsewhere.
Unless she agrees to go to therapy, this marriage is over. And, I think you know that.
Suggest therapy, if she won't go, find a good divorce lawyer.

Oh really? You KNOW that she's having sex elsewhere?

I actually sincerely doubt it.

Counseling is the ONLY thing that will save your relationship.

The problem isn't that you had her sleep with someone else, by the way. The PROBLEM is that you changed the rules on her twice--once to ask her to sleep with someone else, then again in asking it to stop.

You don't get to change the rules mid-game without consequences.

What's going on NOW is the consequences of not enough communication THEN.

Get counseling or you may as well just walk away from the relationship now.

shazamataz · Aug 10, 2009, 01:19 PM

What I don't understand is why she had sex with him 6 or 7 times...
If she didn't like it the first time why do it more than once?

Did you ask her to do it the other times as well or did you just ask for her to do it once?

Either way, as others have said counseling is the only way to try and fix things.

jmjoseph · Aug 10, 2009, 01:43 PM

Originally Posted by bronzebabe

This is a Big problem.
First, you are right that it was a bad thing to Let her sleep with anyone else. But, she had to Want to sleep with him, or she wouldn't have.
The minute she slept with the other guy, your relationship changed, forever. Now she is telling you she doesn't want sex with you. I can bet you that she IS having sex elsewhere.
Unless she agrees to go to therapy, this marriage is over. And, I think you know that.
Suggest therapy, if she won't go, find a good divorce lawyer.

I don't really agree with this either. I don't think she's having sex elsewhere. I think for now, she's just written it off. Your fantasy really DID wreck things, but you know that so I won't harp on it. You say that she was reluctant at first, then complied. I think she feels that if you wanted her to be with someone else for YOUR sexual pleasure, you don't love her enough, or actually care. She told you it was the best night of her life. If that was true, and she loved you, and things were normal, she wouldn't have said that. I think she said it to hurt your feelings.
You see, most guys would NEVER do that. NEVER, EVER. There's no way I personally, would allow that. There are too many things that could go wrong. As you know now. I think, and this is MY opinion, that you both need counseling, like the others said, and I think you need to romance her again.

You need to ensure her that you're there for her in every way. You basically need to start from scratch. Good luck, and keep your fantasies in check for now.

bronzebabe · Aug 10, 2009, 03:57 PM

I'm glad you all think that she has been totally sexless for 19 months. I doubt it. If she liked having sex with the other guy, and it looks as tho she did, I figure she is still doing it.
I think the other guy made her see that there is sex with other guys and it can be good.
Also, was the husband watching them as they had sex? He asked her to stop, and said she did stop, but she wasn't happy.
I just see it that she wasn't happy being told to stop after she got the okay.
Sorry.

Synnen · Aug 10, 2009, 04:01 PM

I could EASILY go 19 months without sex.

Granted, I have medical reasons for that--but I know PLENTY of women that have no problem going without if the fire isn't started regularly.

I just don't see it as an "obviously cheating" situation.

Deebee1965 · Aug 10, 2009, 04:02 PM

Hi Guys
First, thanks for all the replies, it is really appreciated.
I can certainly agree with some of the points and I think a big one is that she resents me for the whole situation and as she puts it she resents for stopping something she 'really enjoyed'
I also agree the fact I changed the rules has caused problems as she has said you pushed me into a place I did not want to go but when I got there I liked it.
I genuinely do not think she is having sex elsewhere, but this whole thread shows I do get things wrong.
Counselling is something I am going to push for, I have mentioned this briefly and got a negative response but she is going to the doctors this week and he has said she may need counselling, I do not know if this includes me or not.

Thanks
Deebee

Deebee1965 · Aug 10, 2009, 04:11 PM

Originally Posted by bronzebabe

I'm glad you all think that she has been totally sexless for 19 months. I doubt it. If she liked having sex with the other guy, and it looks as tho she did, I figure she is still doing it.
I think the other guy made her see that there is sex with other guys and it can be good.
Also, was the husband watching them as they had sex? He asked her to stop, and said she did stop, but she wasn't happy.
I just see it that she wasn't happy being told to stop after she got the okay.
Sorry.

Hi Bronzebabe
Firstly you are right she did enjoy sex with the other guy, I do not know if it was because it was different or he was better than me or what it was, but I do not think they are still having sex as the distance would make it difficult.
I did not watch them, even though at the time it would have turned me on, but as you all know I am learning from my mistakes.
Deebee

bronzebabe · Aug 11, 2009, 04:27 AM

Best of luck. I hope things will work out.

Deebee1965 · Nov 30, 2009, 12:48 PM

Hi All
Thanks for previous advice and thought I would ask my next question as we are getting on a bit better now bit better now but have still not had sex and that is now 2 years this month.
Someone suggested to me that my wife might need 'closure' on her relationship with this other guy as the relationship was never officially ended between the 2 of the them, it just stopped because I asked it to.
Should I suggest she looks for 'closure' with this guy and if so how.
The way I see it is if they meet up, she will know if she still has feelings and one of 2 things can happen, she realises she has not and we can move forward with our lives or she still has and we wthen come to a decision about future if there even is one.

Help desperately needed, we both need to move forward with our lives, hopefully together.

Let me know what youthink we should do.

Thanks
Deebee

Originally Posted by Deebee1965

Hi, I will try to keep this brief.

A while ago I encouraged my wife to sleep with another man (I now realise I was stupid)
She saw this man a few times and she says felt affection for him but not love. I asked it to stop as I was worried it was turning into something serious, she did stop but was not happy about it.
We have not had sex now for 19 months as she says she has lost her sex drive, but today she told me she had not lost her sex drive, just her sex drive towards me, the obvious thing staring me in the face if she still having sexual desires but not for me is that she no longer loves me and I in fact turn her off.
If still has sex drive, but not with me, is there anything I can do or have I blown it.

Any opoinions wopuld be appreciated.

Deebee1965

ps I know it is all my fault

Gemini54 · Nov 30, 2009, 04:30 PM

Sheesh, I don't know what to say, 2 years without sex. This has gone beyond needing closure and has become a habit – your wife has disconnected from you as her sexual partner. You both need to go to counselling ASAP - I seriously think that this has gone too far for you to be able to deal with it on your own and you need to get an objective third party involved.

QLP · Nov 30, 2009, 06:42 PM

It strikes me that if my hubby even suggested my sleeping with another guy, let alone managing it then telling me to stop, I would feel he was trying to manipulate me and treat me as a sexual possession to be passed around at his discretion. That would make me very angry. That he would then start trying to tell me how to get over it by getting closure would only compound the problem.
I think you need someone else that your wife can talk to about this as if she feels she is doing just what you want, which rather started the whole problem, she might feel even more resentful.

I have no idea what your wife's feelings are about this other guy, it seems she did get something out of it, even if it was at your suggestion. Maybe the other guy made her feel more valued by wanting her for himself where your behaviour suggested you didn't value her that way. I agree, a counsellor would help you both explore this stuff.

Deebee1965 · Dec 1, 2009, 05:33 PM

Thanks guys

My wife has spoken to the doctor and is awaiting an appointment with a counseller, I have suggested we go together but she says she wants to go on her own.
Is this goood or bad.
Deebee

bigblack · Dec 1, 2009, 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by Deebee1965

Thanks guys

My wife has spoken to the doctor and is awaiting an appointment with a counseller, I have suggested we go together but she says she wants to go on her own.
Is this goood or bad.
Deebee

Deebee,

This is good... very very good. Let her work out some of her own issues with a couseller/therapist alone to begin with. She'll be more able to open up and honestly explore her feelings. She will invite you in when the time is right and she is ready to share what's really going on in her mind.

Your fantasy has certainly changed the way your wife views you and your respective relationship together. Unfortunately, you haven't been able to reach her in the past two years in a sexless marriage, so don't even QUESTION her for wanting to see the cousellor alone! Let her go, as she seems to be already gone. This may be the only chance to get her back.

rosemcs · Dec 2, 2009, 12:37 AM

You may want to not mention to her about seeing the other guy again for closure. She would have to decide that on her own without your suggestion.

If you really want her back, be kind and thoughtful and ask what you can do to make it work. Do you ever initiate physical contact with her? Do you hug her and try to give her a nice kiss? Many women miss that over "sex" on a regular basis. In fact, many affairs are not solely for sex, but also emotional need. This may be a beginning point that you may have to work on again since she had that physical connection with him, which increased her endorphons, and she still remembers.

Can you make her start remembering your touches? Like walking up behind her when she is doing the dishes and kissing her on the neck? Come on ladies, I know you like men to be that way.