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lovepolis · Aug 9, 2009, 04:52 PM

Hi Guys,

I am torn and I don't know if I want to continue keeping in touch with this guy who is miles away.
We will text msn and call each other a couple of times a day and all we say to each other is what we did today and how much we miss each and stuff. By plane we are about 3 hrs apart.

He was the one who told me he like me and that was about one week ago when he was back. I have good feelings for him but I don't know how it is going to work out. And I am a girl who needs a lot of securities and I like my man to be here with me.

I don't know if I should give this up since I don't know where it is heading. He said he will visit me again in Oct and then he said we should talk about this seriously. He also told me that he will work really hard at work so that he will have enough to visit me as much as possible.

I like him... but I don't know if I want to fall into this and get terribly upset if things doesn't work out. Before he came along I was with my ex for 6 yrs and we broke up... and it has been a year... I told myself that I don't want to be depressed over another relationship anymore... It hurts... I still feel upset and depressed sometimes and I wish this new guy is here with me...

What will you guys do if you are in my situation?

ChihuahuaMomma · Aug 9, 2009, 05:04 PM

So, he's moving there in October or coming to visit? In my experience long distance relationships don't work. BUT if he is moving there in two months, then I'd say give it a shot, why not?

Please use the best grammar that you are capable of, your post is difficult to read.

lovepolis · Aug 9, 2009, 05:06 PM

He is just visiting...

ChihuahuaMomma · Aug 9, 2009, 05:11 PM

How often can visits be made by one party or the other?

How old are the two of you?

How did you meet?

lovepolis · Aug 9, 2009, 05:22 PM

How often can visits be made by one party or the other?
If he does well maybe he can visit on a monthly basis? That is my guess

How old are the two of you?
I am 26 and he is 27

How did you meet?
We have mutual friends and that's how we met. I got to know him in Oct 2008. We hang out quite a bit and he left in Feb 2008. He told me that he wanted to tell me how he felt when he was leaving in Feb 2009 but he didn't because he wasn't sure if it was just an infactuation or not. In late July 2009 he returned for two weekends and was during the last weekend he told me that he like me. And since then we just keep in touch by calls and msn or gmail

ChihuahuaMomma · Aug 9, 2009, 05:25 PM

I would stay friends

paxe · Aug 9, 2009, 05:42 PM

Is there a plan for the future? If there is no clear plan for you two being together it won't work. You should talk to him.

lovepolis · Aug 10, 2009, 06:30 AM

He said he will want to talk about our plans face to face when he returns again in Oct. But meanwhile we chat online and call each other. But the thing is it seem as if we are already a couple. He calls me dear / baby... I am kind of confused...

I am also quite afraid to fall in love and get hurt... partly due to my last relationship

jmw0713 · Aug 10, 2009, 06:45 AM

Before he came along I was with my ex for 6 yrs and we broke up... and it has been a year... I told myself that I don't want to be depressed over another relationship anymore... It hurts... I still feel upset and depressed sometimes and I wish this new guy is here with me...

AND

I am kind of confused...

I am also quite afraid to fall in love and get hurt... partly due to my last relationship

Sounds to me like you didn't wait long enough to really get over your past relationship. This guy came along and you immediately latched on to him, because at that time he made you happy. You were blinded by this and neglected to look at the other circumstances that go along with having a long distance relationship with him. You didn't listen to yourself and take into account your own needs and wants. You didn't take the time for yourself to really reflect, heal, and look inside yourself to find what you really want. As a result you are now confused because you just wanted to be with someone to fill the void left by your last relationship.

I am a girl who needs a lot of securities and I like my man to be here with me.

I think you need to seriously evaluate this situation, taking your needs and wants into account. If you are unhappy and depressed because you can't see him, how will deal with these feelings to make this work?

How will you both work TOGETHER to make this work?

I really think you need to spend sometime flying solo to really find and evaluate what you need and want from a relationship, rather than jumping head first into something new just for security.

You need to be secure and confident in yourself before you will ever be happy in a relationship with someone else. If you don't take the time to do this and live your own life for a while, this pattern will repeat and you will continue to look for happiness in all of the wrong places.

Justwantfair · Aug 10, 2009, 06:49 AM

I think that you already know yourself and you don't think that you can handle a long distance relationship. There isn't anything wrong with that.

I would continue the friendship.
If he moves closer, than reevaluate.
It's a lot of additional pressure for a relationship, if you move to be with another person. Pressure for both parties.

lovepolis · Aug 10, 2009, 06:54 AM

Over the past year I went out for a few dates but only until this guy came along, he made me quite happy.

But its true... I do feel I am not mentally the same anymore after my failed relationship of 6 yr. I feel I have a lot of baggage with me and sometimes I feel tired I just want to jump in or pull the plug and call it off because I am afraid of being hurt again...

What should I do?

I do know I have good feelings for this guy but its going to be tough...

Sometimes I wonder when will I ever recover from my last relationship...

jmw0713 · Aug 10, 2009, 06:59 AM

IMO you should take the time away from dating and any other relationships and just live life and have fun. 6 years is a long time. It will take a long of time to get over that and is something that can't be rushed. Being in another relationship with that baggage just bogs everything down, because you will still have fresh memories of the past and compare them with this relationship you are in now. You can't get over a traumatic past by covering it up with something else. That isn't fair to you or him.

This doesn't mean you can't be friends. But from a serious relationship perspective, you don't sound like you are ready to have this yet. You need to communicate this to him.

You will feel a lot more confident in yourself and in any future relationships if you take time to get over the last one and leave the baggage behind.

lovepolis · Aug 10, 2009, 07:10 AM

I feel kind of depressed today because I also heard about news from a friend about my ex. He is attached and is now in another country with her.

To be really honest, I feel kind of pressured too because I am moving on to late 20s. I look around and I feel a lot of my friends getting married or are in very stable relationship.

I am a simple girl. I just want to find a man who will love me. I don't need him to be well- off.. making a lot of $ or anything like that. All I want is just to find someone who will love me and give me the securities that I want.

I feel afraid and lonely. Even when I am with friends and family I still feel lonely...

I like this guy... and I want to get to know him better but he's away and I don't know how is that going to happen. Its been a week since he left... and I miss him...

jmw0713... thanks for your advice...

jmw0713 · Aug 10, 2009, 07:30 AM

NP. I'm in the same boat as you are. 27 years old. All of my friends are either married w/ kids or getting married in the next year...

I know exactly how you feel. I get lonely too. It has been about 10 months since my 4 yr relationship with my exGF ended.

But you know what, I just keep plugging ahead and looking toward the future. You still have your family and your friends... even though they can't go out and do things with you all of the time.

I am currently working on expanding my social circle. Right now I am trying out a website called Meetup.com. It's a site that lists social groups in your area. Its geared toward people like you and me who are either new to the area, or are looking to expand their social circle.

Look into it and see if you can find some social groups in your area. If you like sports, I'm sure there are some sports leagues you can join too. I found one in the Baltimore area. I'm actually going to sign up tomorrow.

Sitting in the house on Friday and Saturday nights sucks!

jmw0713 · Aug 10, 2009, 07:37 AM

Give it time. You will find someone who will satisfy all of your needs.

Long distance relationships are VERY hard. It takes a lot of time, commitment, and patience to make them work. The biggest obstacle is the distance. Like I said before, you don't have to stop talking to this guy, but you should really look at your needs and find someone who matches them. If one of your needs is someone who is closer to you, then don't torture yourself. You have to think about you.

You need to look inside and find what makes lovepolis happy, not rush to someone else to find security. Being lonely is not a good reason to be in a relationship. Your life ends up revolving around the other person. It will just wear on you over time and make you more unhappy and depressed.

Take time and make your life something that your are happy with when you are on your own.

What about volunteering somewhere?

lovepolis · Aug 10, 2009, 07:59 AM

Maybe you are right... its high time I do some other stuff rather than hanging out with the same people and doing the same stuff over and over again.

I am quite interested in cycling something which my ex refuse to do it with me.

It is weird to go alone? I want to ask a friend along but seems like none of my friends are interested...

lovepolis · Aug 10, 2009, 07:59 AM

And normally such sports are male dominated... I may end up being the only girl... I don't want that either...

I want a sport that can keep me in good shape physically and mentally...

jmw0713 · Aug 10, 2009, 08:03 AM

No. It's not weird to go alone. It would probably do you some good. You can let all of your frustrations out and push yourself mentally, without any distraction.

Alone time is good in moderation.

What's the problem with being the only girl? You would get a ton of attention then.

talaniman · Aug 17, 2009, 09:49 AM

You seem way to eager for a man in your life, and are trying way to hard.

You need a life that you enjoy without a man. Make yourself happy for now and stay single. It's a lot less stressful, until you have unpacked the baggage of the past. Until you do, your setting yourself up for some really bad falls.

paxe · Aug 17, 2009, 10:13 AM

It's hard to be single especially when we see that our society is geared toward being with someone else. There are a lot of advantages to being single and to have nobody attached to you, at any age, and I think all men and women should learn to live alone and be happy alone. Dating and having someone else should be an option and should be looked at like a bonus.

I would say one of the greatest advantage to being single is freedom. It's only when you have it that you truly see how important it is. I think you should accept being single right now and instead of thinking of finding a mate, you should think of meeting people.