[Gemini54]

His request to you for help with his 'problems' reeks of insensitivity to me. You've made it clear that you don't want to be in a relationship with him, yet he is asking for your assistance with the very issue that led to the separation.

Something doesn't feel quite right with this. His problems are his and he should deal with them without involving you. Asking you to participate in the process entangles you in it and makes it much harder for you to separate from him.

I imagine, consciously or unconsciously, that this is his intention.

Stay separate and uninvolved and do not allow yourself to feel sorry for him. It's not romantic, it's manipulative.

[hheath541]

I have to agree. He's manipulating you. He thinks he's found a way to keep himself a part of your life. By telling you that he's seeking help to correct what you see as a problem, and he might not, he is essentially trying to convince you to give him another chance. He's counting on your good nature and guilt to get you to keep contact with him, by subtly reminding you that he helped you through a difficult time.

He lied and manipulated you before. The entire process from the point when he first told you he wanted to take things to the 'next level' until the point when he finally told you what that level was sounds very calculated to me. He got you worried and worked up and curious to find out what he meant in the hopes of saving a relationship he put in jeopardy in the first place. Since you had made your opinion on the subject clear early on he had no doubt how you would respond. By making you wait and work yourself into a tizzy, he was trying to manipulate you into thinking that giving in was the only way to save the relationship.

Since that didn't work, he has moved on to plan b. he is now making promises in the attempt to show that he is willing to change for you. The thing is, without going to therapy with him, you have no way of verifying that he is actually seeking help. My guess is that he sees nothing wrong with dangerous sex play and is just seeking to lull you into a false sense of security.

Showing up at your work is a classic sign of obsession and manipulation. Instead of allowing you the option of avoiding or ignoring him he has FORCED you to listen to him, even when you have made it clear that you wished no contact. He has basically taken away your choices and left you with no other option but to deal with him at this point, even if only to make the effort to avoid him further.

Someone who truly cared about you would allow you have the space you need. They would seek help on their own, if they feel it is needed. Then, maybe, in a year or two, when most of the sting has worn off and they have spent that time in counseling trying to reconcile things within themselves, would it be OK to approach you again seeking friendship and understanding. It is almost always impossible to be friends, of any sort, right after a break up.

Cut him loose. Move on. Live your life. Maybe find someone new eventually. Heal. And let time decide his fate. If he's honest about seeking help, then he will do so rather or not you decide to help him.

[Ren6]

I think it's a bad sign that he appeared at your work place. To me (I have a stalker), it means that he will not accept "no contact". For him to ask for your friendship and support while working through this issue is completely bogus. He's manipulating you... and I fear that you're being drawn back in.

[Just Looking]

Thanks, everyone. I was struggling between many of the thoughts expressed versus being “nice” by helping someone who had asked for help. I think you are all right that it’s a manipulation of some sort – whether sinister or just not wanting to lose the relationship. The comments above made so much sense. I wrote him an e-mail telling him I wished him the best, but I couldn’t be involved. I told him I didn’t want any further contact and spelled out what that meant. He responded immediately pleading with me not to do this. I will not respond.

One of the partners walked in and could see that something was wrong. After generally explaining what was going on, he became concerned and insisted that I not leave work alone for the time being – so now I will have an escort to my car. That may not be necessary but it does make me feel more secure. He’s also going to see if he can get me another out of town assignment, hopefully for 3-4 weeks this time.

I really appreciate all the feedback. You guys are great.

[smoothy]

If another contact is needed to tell him anything... tell him that you asked him nicely to leave you alone, and that now you consider it stalking and if you see him again you will contact the authorities to get a restraining order issued.

Harsh... but it does give the authorities reason to not write it off if he continues his unwanted advances and contacts. In case it escalates.

That shows you really mean business...

[Ren6]

One of the partners walked in and could see that something was wrong. After generally explaining what was going on, he became concerned and insisted that I not leave work alone for the time being – so now I will have an escort to my car. That may not be necessary but it does make me feel more secure. He’s also going to see if he can get me another out of town assignment, hopefully for 3-4 weeks this time.

I really appreciate all the feedback. You guys are great.

Your co-worker sounds like very nice guy, and I'm glad you're accepting the escort to your car. Your ex may not be a violent person, but he's not going to accept "no" as an answer, and will only continue to meet you at your car and attempt to get his foot in the door, so to speak.

The only gated community I've ever been to had a guard at the gate. Is this the case with yours? And if so, is there any danger that your ex might try to finagle his way in by saying he's friends with you? Excuse my ignorance in these matters... :o

[smoothy]

Two words... Restraining Order.

Situations like this are exactly what they exist for... before it turns nasty.

[Just Looking]

There are two entrances to our community, both have security guards. The only way visitors can enter is if a resident calls and notifies the guards. I think I will just be doubly sure and talk to them.

I'm going to hold off on a restraining order unless there is another incident. He is a criminal defense attorney, and I'm concerned that the police would love to retaliate against him. I also don't want to ruin his reputation in the courts.

[hheath541]

Your state or county might have a legal step you can take that's below a restraining order. If not then I would suggest that you file a police report if he shows up again, and continue to do so every time he shows up. You don't have to press charges, just file a report saying you are being harassed. Having it down on paper will make taking legal actions in the future easier, if you end up needing to.

[Just Looking]

He sent flowers today, with a card in which he apologized for everything, said he accepts and will respect my wishes, and while he doesn’t expect he will ever hear from me said that he would welcome a call if I ever want to talk to him.

While it was a break in the NC, I do feel relieved by what he wrote – though I won’t let my guard down entirely.

[hheath541]

He's still trying to manipulate you. He found a way to establish contact that you can't avoid or ignore. Watch out for more tactics like that, and make a note of all of them.

[Just Looking]

I understand what you are saying, but I am going to assume that this is what he wrote until he gives me a reason to think otherwise. The last contact was a page long plea yesterday that I can only describe as heart-wrenching. I think this could be a way of acknowledging that he now accepts what I said. I'll know soon enough, if there is more contact. I'm not going to let my guard down, but I don't want to be worried all the time either. I do have the choice to not respond, which is what I will do. I do read what he sends so I will be forewarned if he says anything questionable, but I will not respond and I will do my best not to think about it once I've read it. I am also keeping everything just in case I need it in the future. Thanks for the concern.

[hheath541]

I completely understand. I honestly hope he means what he said and is going to respect your wishes. I wish you the best of luck.

[Just Looking]

I was going to give you another rep, but got a message that I have to spread it around before I can give you another one. Haha. I was just going to say thanks, and that you've been a big help.

[hheath541]

I'm glad, and you are very welcome ^_^

[smoothy]

Keeping all of that is a good idea...

If you respond say nothing more than...

"I have asked you to leave me alone. Do NOT contact me, wait for me or do anything to reach me ever again. Or I will have to take stronger measures."

Which would be the restraining order. He is trying despirately to manipulate you go get what he wants from you.

[Just Looking]

Keeping all of that is a good idea....

If you respond say nothing more than ...

"I have asked you to leave me alone. Do NOT contact me, wait for me or do anything to reach me ever again. Or I will have to take stronger measures."

Which would be the restraining order. He is trying despirately to manipulate you go get what he wants from you.

In your opinion, should I do that now? My thought was to give him the benefit of the doubt, but also to send a message that he can't trick me into communication by sending the flowers and card. I thought the non-response would show that I'm serious about NC and would reinforce what I had said.

There is no way he is going to manipulate me into changing my mind. I moved back home in May 2008 to take care of my dad after the accident, but he died within the month. I stayed here because I couldn't sell the house at that time, plus it gave me some comfort to live there... and then I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I know better now. I now want to move back to where I was living. I went to college there, have many friends there, and the career possibilities are much better as it is a large city. I like the idea that I can make that choice without having to consider anyone else.

[smoothy]

In your opinion, should I do that now? My thought was to give him the benefit of the doubt, but also to send a message that he can't trick me into communication by sending the flowers and card. I thought the non-response would show that I'm serious about NC and would reinforce what I had said.

There is no way he is going to manipulate me into changing my mind. I moved back home in May 2008 to take care of my dad after the accident, but he died within the month. I stayed here because I couldn't sell the house at that time, plus it gave me some comfort to live there ... and then I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I know better now. I now want to move back to where I was living. I went to college there, have many friends there, and the career possibilities are much better as it is a large city. I like the idea that I can make that choice without having to consider anyone else.

What's past is past... this is here and now. Many of us have met people we thought was the one and found out later they weren't (in fact we thank god every day we found out before it was too late).

Personally. If you want to cover your butt in a worst case situation...

Mail him the letter simply stating you want NO further contact with him in any way, and you don't want him following you.

Send it certified with a signature required... keep the receipt and a copy. That's your proof you demanded this from him... if he refuses to accept it you take this to a lawyer and explain everything and that you officially told him to leave you alone... that should prove your case for getting a restraining order if it becomes necessary to do so.

I'm not saying it will, but that might be what it takes to get through his thick skull. Who knows if he will be one to push the issue or not. Best way to avoid becoming a statistic is being somewhat pro-active. He's been warned, more than once... Write the letter like I described... keep it very short. Say nothing more as that can be misunderstood. Then if he ignores that you really should get a restraining order against him. No woman should treat a genuine stalker lightly... and he is at that point In my opinion... you asked him to leave you alone several times already.

[Just Looking]

Last week my attorney sent him a letter stating that if he tried to contact me again in any way we would get a restraining order. He called my cell this morning. I didn’t answer. I even thought about deleting or ignoring the message, but I want to be aware of anything I need to know. The message was strange – like a final goodbye, and I was bothered by the sound of his voice. He called from his home phone, which was a little strange on a workday. I called his good friend to see if he would check on him. His friend found him passed out with a bottle of whiskey and an empty bottle of sleeping pills. He called 911, and they were able to revive him at the hospital. They’ll keep him there for 6 days on a mental health watch. I can’t stop crying. What if I hadn’t listened to the message? What if there is a next time? Why would anyone do this? I just don’t understand.

[asking]

Once again I am impressed with your instinct that something was wrong and quick sensible action.

This guy is seriously messed up and did this in part because he is a deeply unhappy person and partly to hurt you, hence his phone call. Do you have friends or family who can support you now? You should not be all alone. Please do not think of rewarding this behavior by going to him or calling, or there will be more of it. It is awful. I am so sorry.