[Skell]

Ok hi all,

Most of you probably know me and my story. If not you can read my first thread.

I had a bit of a tough weekend and just felt like sharing / venting. I ran into my ex out and about on Saturday night. I was with a few of my friends / acquaintances and she was with her sister and few other people.

It is only the 3rd or 4th time I have seen her since we broke up about 7 months ago.

Anyway, one thing that really annoys me is that I am constantly reminded by people how I have lost the greatest most beautiful girl in the world. These aren't my true friends saying these things but rather other people who I guess you would say are aquaintences. My real friends have been great.

And this isn't her fault either but she is just such a wonderful and kind hearted person that people can't help but love her and many are only to keen to share this with me.

And to tell you the truth it gets me down at times. Well anyway, things were OK between us when we seen each other. We just gave each other a quick hug and kiss on the cheek and a really quick chat. Her sister completely ignored me. I don't know why. But that hurt. I've done nothing wrong to her and it makes me sad that she doesn't seem to have any respect for me.

Anyway, a little later someone came up to me again just to tell me how great shana looks and blah blah blah. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't really interested.

But here is where I stuffed up. I found out that she is invited to my best mates sons birthday party in a week or two. This is fine because my best mates wife is one of my ex's really close friends and my ex often baby sits etc their son. She has as much right to be invited as me.

I must add that I had been drinking too and was slightly drunk. Not over the top drunk as I keep a lid on things pretty well. I don't go overboard when I drink.

Anyway, I simply wrote him a text telling him that if my ex goes then I don't want to be there and I won't be there because I don't feel completely comfortable. And I don't want it to be uncomfortable on his sons day. Which in hindsight is rubbish because I would be completely comfortable with her being there and have in fact been completely fine around her the few times I've seen her.

It was just a real bad weekend. My dog is sick and in hospital, my mum and dad went away on holidays and I am left home alone and that's when I get lonely and a little down. I just felt so low yesterday and not much better today.

I used a few choice words about her which I really didn't mean. It was just frustration and anger built up from the night and the bad couple of days. I said a couple of things about her that I really don't feel. The words I used weren't nice but it was just a little bit of drunk talk between mates. In actual fact it is the complete opposite to the feelings I have about her and us.

But here is the big stuff up. Rather then send it to him I somehow pressed the wrong button and end up replying to a message she had sent me earlier in the night apologising for her sisters behaviour towards me. I don't have her nunmber in my speed dial as I deleted it long ago for this very reason. It was a complete accident but I sent the message to her instead of my mate.

OUCH, and now I'm really upset about it. I had been doing so well and had not ever said a bad word about her to anyone. Because the truth is I don't hate her. I'm not mad at her. I have a lot of respect for her and will always love her in some way. I can't be mad at her for her being honest and following her heart.

Problem is how do I now fix what I have done. I don't know what to do. Some of the things I said weren't nice. It didn't mean them I was just trying to make a point to my mate and it is how we talk. You know. Guy talk.

I know we aren't together and I should focus on myself but I just don't want her thinking that I meant the things I said. Because I don't. As I said there were a few expletives and couple of words I wouldn't use to describe her at all.

I feel like so much dignity and respect that I have earned over the past few moths has been lost again from one moment of stupidity.

I'm ashamed and disgusted at myself.

Any suggestions??

[AKaeTrue]

Skell,
You need to tell her exactly what you just told all of us...
You should probably also add that you told those things to your friend as a cover up so he wouldn't know how bad you truly feel about the break up.
If she's as kind as you think she is, then she'll understand. You can also prove your sorriness to her by also telling your friend about the situation and your true feelings.
Hope it works out.
Let us know...
Kae

[talaniman]

We have discussed this Skell, and you know I think you should apologise for your actions to All parties, and don't repeat that mistake again. They may forgive you, or they may not. Either way we all pay the consequences of our actions so no matter what happens next, handle it with your chin up. Good luck.

[rol]

Just a question, she sent a mail appologizing about her sisters behaviour. Did you reply to that one?

[Wildcat21]

Skell - I don't know maybe she needed to hear that. You did have those feelings at the time.

I know it may sound weird - but this may actually work in your favor. Maybe she'll get the idea you've moved and don't have her so high on a pedestal.

Women don't want the pedestal ever.

Did she respond at all?

It might be - the old - "well maybe he doesn't love me as much as I thought"

Women want to work for things - challenge.

[ilovcali]

Doesn't help, doesn't hurt. You guys are no longer a couple. You guys aren't even really friends. And it doesn't seem like things will change from that for a long time, if ever. She's gone from your life. What she thinks or says is should be of no concern. You made a mistake with the phone. It happens.

You don't have to fix anything I think. Plus, believe me, somewhere inside you, there is anger and what you said is probably something you do feel. You suppress it. Whatever works for you is fine.

Nothing to fix, no harm done.

[valinors_sorrow]

I think its like when I do things like this -- its too freudian not to be. LOL Since there is no relationship and there is some motivation for no contact too, I suggest that if there arises an opportunity to apologise, apologise, but don't be seeking or creating one.

Meanwhile, maybe the lesson is to look at a few things about yourself. Drinking a little too much might be one. Just as cali suggested, not saying your true feelings often enough so you build up that kind of back pressure might be another. Allow others to treat you in ways that you find hurtful and just taking it is another. Just some thoughts, Skell.

You made a mistake but some of mine have turned out to be marvelous ones. This one seems to have some of those earmarks to me. Learn the lesson is the easy part, figuring out what the lesson is sometimes takes delicate handling and thinking outside your usual framework. You are adept at both, Skell, I know that about you.

[talaniman]

I am so tired of this spread it around-

Meanwhile, maybe the lesson is to look at a few things about yourself. Drinking a little too much might be one. Just as cali suggested, not saying your true feelings often enough so you build up that kind of back pressure might be another. Allow others to treat you in ways that you find hurtful and just taking it is another. Just some thoughts, Skell.

Very good things to think about ,Val and I agree. Good insight.

[Wildcat21]

"not saying your true feelings often enough so you build up that kind of back pressure might be another"

That's what I was trying to get at. True feelings. You don't always have to be that 'great guy' - the Fun Skell.

It's OK to get mad and say what you truly feel.

[Skell]

Thanks all, I knew you guys would help.
You all made so much sense too. I guess yesterday I was a little torn and down. It is amazing what a hard days work and a good night sleep can do.
I feel a lot better today a thinking a little clearer..

I think you may have been right cat and cali. That anger may have been there just building up waiting to come out. I suppose it was just regretful in the way it was delivered.

I dare say there will be situations in the future where there will be an oppurtunity to apologise. Where I am from it is inevitable that we will see one another. Our paths will cross and I guess that contributed to my regret. The fact that I don't want it to be harder than it needs to be.

You see, whether I like it or not she is associated and friends with friends of mine. Now my friends (and I mean the real ones) have been extremely good at respecting us and the fact that we aren't together anymore and there are certain things that just don't need to be said to us. She may be at this biorthday party, she may not. I just know for a fact that I will be going, I will be happy, it is my best mate and I can't wait to have great day at his sons birthday party who pretty soon will be my godson. If she is there I will not have a problem in the slightest. I don't have any reason to. Im happy and moving forward. Im sure she is too.

Just to answer a few questions.. Yes cat, she did respond, that is how I realised I had sent it to her by mistake. Her response was along the lines of "thats wasnt very nice and it was untrue and incorrect".

There is a lesson there for me. I chose to believe things that others said about her that were incorrect. My mistake for believing them. Not theirs for saying it.

And me and my best mate are fine. There was never ever going to be an issue. He understands everything and wasn't phased at all. He is a good mate to have.

Anyway, yesterday when I wasn't feeling the best I took a bit advice from a friend. I just sat down and started to write. I just started writing about a lot of feelings I have about me, her, us (not that there is an us I know), where I am going etc. It was good because I haven't spoken to anyone about some of these things for a while.

The letter was aimed at her. It apologised for my actions, explained my actions, expressed my anger at some issues I have at her and others, expressed some anger I have at myself. It was good. I vented.

I didn't send it though. I never had any intention of it. But it certainly helped get some things of my chest.

Thanks all for your help. Please feel free to add some more if you don't think I have quite gotten what you have suggested.

[wap]

Hi Skell,

Sorry for not reading this sooner, I have been a bit pre occupied with work.

Yes, you made a mistake, people do, there is no point in beating yourself up over it, you have been through enough. I agree with Wildcat, it may actually have let her see that you don't just think of just the good things in her, and see her on a pedestal. You are very much like me in a lot of ways. As I said before, I called my ex and he hung up on me, I was so upset, because I thought I had upset/annoyed him! I worry about other peoples feelings before my own too.

I would just try to move on from this incident, and it's not like it has cost you anything :) You are a good person

[valinors_sorrow]

By George, I think he's got it! Actually you've had IT all along Skell, I mean that (she says like she's Glenda the good witch speaking to Dorothy LOL) and you've been growing IT right nicely too!

[Wildcat21]

Yes Wap - Skell is a great as person (as I know you are) - he's going find that special someone - but it's going to take a while.

The whole problem I feel, again, is her aga - she's 23 and doesn't know what she wants. She may yet come back to him, but it's going gto be a while. I know Skell has a special bound with this gal. They might not be together now - but she just needs to be alone for now - and that's OK - he respects her wishes.

And I don't think that text wasn't so bad - I thnk she actually need to her that she isn't all that perfect in Skell's eyes.

[BIM]

I feel for ya' Skell--You sound like a great guy that just screwed up :rolleyes: Hell, we all do it--TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. I've done enough screwing up for more than one person :eek:

Don't beat yourself up! You messed up, you admit it, you two are not together, may have hurt her feelings, apologize when you can, and let it roll off your back. As WC says, maybe it was OK for her to see a side she is not used to.

Anyway--it's OK. Take Care. :p

[Skell]

Thanks guys for all the great words.
You know what I think in return so I'm not going to turn this into some mushy appreciation thread. Haha

For the first couple of days I couldn't see it the way you are saying. All as I wanted to do was apologise.

Now I'm not so concernced. I see it how you guys see it. Yeah I was feeeling those feelings and it is probably good that she's seen / knows about them.

That little letter I wrote that I was never going to send her. Its funny how it has evolved. It started all apologetic and a little sooky. Now as I keep sort of adding to it over the days it is getting a little madder and angrier in its tone each day. And it feels good. It won't go to her but I'm finally feeling a little anger at what happened. Until now I haven't been able to.

I must admit too, I sort of like it and needed it. It isn't overwhelming angriness that consumes my life. But just the feeling of yeah it pisses me off a little and I'm finally going to show it.

Anyway, thought id share that in case others may have been like me before. It is OK to get a little mad at times. It helps.

[valinors_sorrow]

I was convinced long ago by a talented therapist and what I would call an honest-to-god enlighted human being that when it comes to relationships (of any kind too) it takes two to tango, whether you are tango-ing your way to heaven or hell. The really sick and the very healthy rarely couple and not for long and no one on earth, last I looked, is perfect. :p

It also stands that the dumper is not necessarily the "weller" one of the two too. Dumpees are often confused by this. So if you got dumped and you are seeing your ex as perfect, oh honey child, reconsider. But it really shouldn't be about ex's. It should be about you! Find your part or play it again.

[Skell]

I was convinced long ago by a talented therapist and what I would call an honest-to-god enlighted human being that when it comes to relationships (of any kind too) it takes two to tango, whether you are tango-ing your way to heaven or hell. The really sick and the very healthy rarely couple and not for long and no one on earth, last I looked, is perfect. :p

It also stands that the dumper is not necessarily the "weller" one of the two too. Dumpees are often confused by this. So if you got dumped and you are seeing your ex as perfect, oh honey child, reconsider. But it really shouldn't be about ex's. It should be about you! Find your part or play it again.

So true val. I used to see it as you describe, but now I realise that what you have said here is exactly right.

I did use to see her as perfect, but as time goes by that is changing.

And I have been doing quite a good job of late making it about me. And I must admit it is great!