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asking · Aug 26, 2009, 08:29 AM

PS. When I said hold out for the right counselor, I meant shop around in a serious way, as though you were picking a school to go to or a buying a car. Make it a serious decision. I did not mean to use "not liking therapists" as a reason not to do it!

Also, in every therapeutic relationship--like any intimate one--you eventually run into misunderstandings and possibly hurt feelings. It's important to be up front about that, to talk it out, rather than just stop going. So if you initially like someone and then they do something you don't like, TELL them and give them a chance to make it right. Of course, if they don't or their explanation seems lame and you give them more chances and eventually decide they are not a good person for you to be around, then find someone else.

But find someone to start working with on your isolation and self loathing.

Also, start making friends in real life. It will seem like work at first, but if you find someone you like, you'll start to look forward to seeing them and the next friend will be easier. I found a great friend when I answered an ad for a walking partner. I thought it would be just exercise once or twice a week, but we really hit it off and we've been friends for four years now.

I've been isolated too. You can do this.

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 09:43 AM

No, I didn't mean my parents wouldn't help. They would be there for me in a second. It's just that my dad is often kind of depressed himself, and I don't need either of them sad over me. They already worry about me and have suggested I talk to someone in the past when most of the crap in my life was happening. I refused then though because I felt like they were implying I was crazy. That was before I even started cutting (age 12).

Also, anything I tell my mom goes to my dad and vice versa. Anything they know goes to the rest of the family usually. I don't want everyone thinking I'm insane or watching me extra close or worrying. My one cousin, who I never see anymore, always used to see right through me and know I wasn't okay (he was as there for me as I let him be). I don't want everyone in on my problems.

I used to have a lot of friends, but stuff happened and I didn't always fill them in because I'd rather deal on my own and I was, in some cases, embarrassed. Then I started egtting depressed, and they didn't get it. In middle school, you don't want to hang out with the girl who is often sad and quiet. I retained some close friends and stayed friendly aquaintances with the others. I think they thought I was melodramatic.

Overdosing is easier to do and hide than cutting, I have found. I will try to stop though. I've been trying. I may just flush the bottle, but it feels like a waste and weaker than outright resistance.

I don't want to subject anymore people to the mess I can be, and so I can never get close with people because that means letting them know I'm a little messed up. I don't try to invite people to my problems, and I don't really trust them to stick around either. I right people off as jerks a lot too-I'm not great with second chances.

It scares me that, even if I do get better, I'll still have to let people in on my past someday..

Still unsure of counselling.. if I could do it like this, online, maybe..

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 05:57 PM

I'm scared, I took 21. I think I should puke, but it's hard to do quietly in a dorm. What do I do? If I flush the rest now and wait it out, will I survive? I'm such an idiot.

I really really don't want to throw up. Please help..

asking · Aug 26, 2009, 06:10 PM

I wish I could give you a hug.

Look, I'm going to try to reason with you. If you keep taking more, you will make yourself dangerously sick and have to go the hospital. Someone will just find you on the floor and then they will call 911, your parents and everybody is going to know anyway. That's where this is leading.

On the other hand, if you call your mom right now and say, I really need your help, but I also really need to know that you will keep this between you and dad and not tell the whole family. Can I trust you to do that?" Then you are going to have some control over how this plays out.

I understand about being a sad teen. My mother was killed when I was 14 and my father was remote and depressed the whole time I was growing up, so it was like being orphaned. Life does get better. Give it a chance.

I'm going to look up tylenol overdosing now. Please stop.

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 06:14 PM

I'm not going to take anymore, and I don't want to die. I can't believe I just did that. I just really don't want to throw up if I don't have to. I can handle feeling like crap, but I'm not ready to die. If I have to throw up, I will.

I'm looking into the free counselling. It can't be as scary as this.

asking · Aug 26, 2009, 06:17 PM

You are closing in on enough to kill you. 20 pills killed a teenager a couple of years ago. (She took them for a migraine headache.) I don't know how big you are, but maybe 14 if you took them all at once will kill you. The dose will reach peak blood levels in a half hour to two hours.

I think you should call 911 right now.

asking · Aug 26, 2009, 06:18 PM

Yeah. Throw them up if you can.

asking · Aug 26, 2009, 06:20 PM

You can also call:
The Poison Help hotline 1-800-222-1222

I will hang out here and check in.

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 06:22 PM

I just threw up. A lot. It wasn't that long ago I took them so... if I start feeling bad, I'll tell ym RA. Do you think that should be okay?

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 06:23 PM

I'm 5'5 and 1/4 and weighed 121 a couple weeks ago. I think I probably lost a little weight though since then.

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 06:30 PM

If I called poison, they could probably trace my number. I'm just scared I didn't throw up enough. This is so gross. Do you think I'll be okay?

asking · Aug 26, 2009, 06:31 PM

I'm really relieved to hear you threw up! Thank you for telling me...

I don't know enough pharmacology to know if that's enough, but you sound pretty thin. I really think you should call the poison control number. They'll be able to advise you better.

asking · Aug 26, 2009, 06:32 PM

Well, is there a campus clinic you can go to? Your life is frankly more important than your privacy.

Or call from a pay phone.

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 06:34 PM

I don't want to bring professionals into this unless I have to. I'm afraid of what they'd do. I'm not looking to die. Maybe I was okay with it when I took them, but not two seconds after. I was just upset, and cutting didn't help.

I'm thinking mayeb I will try something semi harmless. Like group therapy for adjusting to college or something. Maybe, if that works, I can try something more personal.

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 06:36 PM

There is a hospital, but I'm not sure exactly how to get there. Like I said, I'd rather not. I threw up maybe twenty minutes after I took them so.. I don't know. I took 14 and was okay, so seven more.. this is by far the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.

asking · Aug 26, 2009, 06:39 PM

I'm glad you are ready to try counseling. But you really need to tell your parents that you need help and you really need to STOP taking tylenol.

Here's the article about the teen who died in 2003 from taking 20 of the same strength you just took (500 mg).

Teenager Dies from Acetaminophen Overdose

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 06:44 PM

I'm really just concerned with not dying right now. My head feels maybe a little odd, but it could be paranoia and adrenaline too. I don't want to bring this to my RA unless I'm certain there is a problem. I don't need that on my record. I can't tell ym parents, they'd drive the full eight hours out here tonight. I'm not going to put them at risk or scare them if I don't have to. If I'm okay tonight and try counselling and get better, then maybe I will fill them in when I'm okay.

asking · Aug 26, 2009, 06:49 PM

Okay. I do understand. Sorry for getting a little bossy. I was freaked. I hope you are okay. But I have no way to tell from here.

Part of growing up is learning that you can't take care of everything by yourself. There is a reason that humans are social animals. Sometimes you will need to ask for help when you really need it--like now. You need someone to hold you and get you to the doctor if that's what's needed, or just listen to you and be there if you are okay physically.

At other times in your life, you will be there when someone needs your help.

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 07:02 PM

I don't know if I'm okay yet. I'm still scared. I wish I did have someone here with me to hold me, butI don't. And I won't until I get my crap together.

I feel like I'm hurting everyone, but they don't know I'm not right and that they should stay away. My parents, especially my dad, miss me so much. They keep calling and emailing, and it's just making me irritable with them because I want them to back off. I don't want them to see me like this. I hate it so much. Then I did this because this guy basically called me annoying. That was the gist of his meaning. I just feel so freaking alone. That's why I did it.

I've been there for others. Why can't they be there for me?

asking · Aug 26, 2009, 07:20 PM

I'm convinced by what you say that they would be there if you let them. They must suspect that you are not doing well if they keep trying to contact you.

It's up to you to let your guard down. It seems to me that pride is keeping you from asking for the love and help you need and deserve.

Do you want to talk about what this jerk said to you?