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give2me1lemons · Aug 25, 2009, 09:39 AM

There is a center here that offers free counseling, but I wouldn't even begin to know where to find it. I'd feel so weird asking about it and going into it. Then I have a hard time saying these things in person. All I could offer them are facts, not feelings.

The more time that passes after I do something stupid, the less I see the need for help. I keep saying I won't do it again, but I always do. I probably should, but I'm afraid to.

I think part of it is going alone of my own accord.

stevetcg · Aug 25, 2009, 09:48 AM

Don't worry about feelings. Just start with facts. A professional is trained to deal with people in all sorts of stages of crisis. They will be able to get out of you what they need. Its part of the process.

Try Google to find it. Or the local bulletin boards.

asking · Aug 25, 2009, 10:00 AM

If you live in the U.S. and they think you are a danger to yourself, that you are actually trying to kill yourself, they will certainly at least consider putting you under observation for a day or two.

For example, in California:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5150_(I...ychiatric_hold)

Are you trying to kill yourself? This is unclear to me.

So what happens when you take 14 Tylenol? How did you feel?

give2me1lemons · Aug 25, 2009, 10:19 AM

I wasn't trying to kill myself, but I didn't rule it out as a possible consequence either. I think I was more hoping that if I got sick or passed out or something, someone might help me do what I'm unable, afraid, to do myself. I think I've made it as obvious as I can without flat out asking someone for help that I could use some support. The problem is, no one seems to understand or realize how much I'm struggling. Sometimes I seem perfectly fine. Even I question if I really need help or just need to get over myself. My life hasn't been as bad as a lot of people, and they're fine. I feel like I just annoy or scare people when I try to say what's going on with me or why I am the way I am. I feel like my problems aren't valid, and I shouldn't be this way.

It's hard to explain how I felt after fourteen. Last night, just kind of tired. My pulse seemed slow, and I think I was shaking a little. This morning I felt tired and it seemed like my pulse quickened whenn it wouldn't normally. I had a hard time focusing in class. When I woke up, I was a little nautious and just wanted to lay there. I felt a bit better when I ate something. Cold too.

I don't know how much of that was actually from the tylenol and how much was just me freaking out about what I did.

stevetcg · Aug 25, 2009, 10:23 AM

Is there someone that you can trust to get you the help you need if they were told?

Is it possible to get them an anonymous message? Is that something you could do?

give2me1lemons · Aug 25, 2009, 10:38 AM

A friend, kind of, knows what I did last night. He's 26 and currently in another state. I texted him, and when he found out I took 14 tylenol he said "...Quit doing stupid sh*t". He claims he doesn't mind me venting to him at all, but I don't think he'd help either. Then my closest friends are in another state as well (I'm in college), and I don't think I can expect them to know how to help me. They don't know how bad I get, really.

It would feel wrong if I asked someone straight to help me. I can't put that pressure on someone.

stevetcg · Aug 25, 2009, 10:44 AM

Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

A friend, kind of, knows what I did last night. He's 26 and currently in another state. I texted him, and when he found out I took 14 tylenol he said "...Quit doing stupid sh*t". He claims he doesn't mind me venting to him at all, but I don't think he'd help either. Then my closest friends are in another state as well (I'm in college), and I don't think I can expect them to know how to help me. They don't know how bad I get, really.

It would feel wrong if I asked someone straight to help me. I can't put that pressure on someone.

Then ask someone who's job it is to take that pressure off you. Do you have a professor you trust? RA? Someone from the school...

Just say "Listen... I have this problem and I dont know where to turn... can you please help me figure it out?"

I don't know ANYONE that wouldn't try to help... and I know some pretty bad people.

give2me1lemons · Aug 25, 2009, 11:09 AM

It's only the second day of classes and I'm from out of state. I don't know anyone really yet. My one RA seems cool, but he's still only a sophomore. I don't think I should put this on a peer.

I think I'm probably eventually either going to mess up enough that someone has to help me or just force myself to go find a counsellor. I don't think I'm quite strong enough or desperate enough for the latter yet though..

I still want to believe I can do this alone, but I keep slipping up..

stevetcg · Aug 25, 2009, 11:12 AM

How about forcing yourself now, before you really slip up and do something that cannot be recovered from... how about a stroke? Would you rather live the rest of your life as a stroke victim? How about needing a liver transplant? Amputee?

You need help now... not when it gets 'really bad'. Its already really bad.

BE strong enough. Or tell your parents. Or call a hotline. Or the local hospital.

Suffering in silence will not get you the help you need.

give2me1lemons · Aug 25, 2009, 11:32 AM

You think I'm really that bad off? It's not all the time. My last overdose of nine was when I started this thread like twenty days ago. I haven't cut/burned in a couple months. I just tend to relapse when I feel particularly awful the way I did last night. If I keep distracted, it's better. I just don't have any distractions here yet. When I think too much, I get hopeless.

I will never tell my parents.

Amputee from a tylenol overdose?

stevetcg · Aug 25, 2009, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

You think I'm really that bad off? It's not all the time. My last overdose of nine was when I started this thread like twenty days ago. I haven't cut/burned in a couple months. I just tend to relapse when I feel particularly awful the way I did last night. If I keep distracted, it's better. I just don't have any distractions here yet. When I think too much, I get hopeless.

I will never tell my parents.

Amputee from a tylenol overdose?

Amputee from cutting... infection, gangrene, amputation...

And yes, I think you are bad enough off to seek help. Today its 14 Tylenol... what is tomorrow... 14 vicoden? See what I am getting at?

Getting the help you need will prevent you from getting like you were last night or worse. That's the idea.

give2me1lemons · Aug 25, 2009, 05:22 PM

I guess I see what you mean, considering that I'm tempted again. I doubt I'd ever get my hands on vicodin though, and I always sterylized what I used.

I just wish I had one person I could count on.

stevetcg · Aug 25, 2009, 05:28 PM

Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

I guess I see what you mean, considering that I'm tempted again. I doubt I'd ever get my hands on vicodin though, and I always sterylized what I used.

I just wish I had one person I could count on.

You have one person... you.

give2me1lemons · Aug 25, 2009, 06:02 PM

What if I'm not enough?

...

J_9 · Aug 25, 2009, 09:19 PM

Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

I always sterylized what I used.

Unless you have an autoclave, whatever you are using is NOT sterilized.

Cutting can end up bleeding to death in a very fast amount of time.

The person I mentioned before (the thread I gave) did not commit suicide quickly, but over time she deteriorated her liver by alcohol abuse. The liver does not regenerate, and you may not be eligible for a liver transplant if you have these suicidal ideations.

You need to seek help now, not later, not tomorrow, TODAY!

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 07:33 AM

I think that all I want is just one person to care and listen and be there for me. I feel like I'm there for my friends, with advice or even tough love (when my friend was getting drunk and going off with random guys and almost raped). It's just like, all my friends can say is "I'm sorry" or "cheer up" or "I wish I could help you". I know it's not their job to give me the support or advice I need, but I usually end up apologising for leaning on them. Then the only people I have who would care and help are my parents, which is a definite no, or this 21 year old I met online who thinks he's in love with me and wants to "have me", basically. I think if I had even one close friend who'd be half as committed as I would be if one of my friends felt this way, or one normal guy who thought I was amazing; then I wouldn't hate myself so much and feel like such a disease.

It's hard for me to talk to my friends though even because I lost a lot when my problems began. I talk to people online more, but I'm afraid of losing even them.

I'm okay alone until it gets late and I'm sitting in my room. Or when it's time to eat and it's just me. Or when I have to listen to all the things my friends and roommate did with their other friends. I can't be social either. I feel like I'm annoying and ugly, so I don't force my presence on others. I'd rather be known as a loner than a creep.

I used rubbing alcohol to clean when cutting and assumed burning the metal would suffice when burning. Then I always cared for my wounds. I never really bled, just scarred.
I was tempted to use the tylenol again, but I didn't.

In the end, I don't feel like I can make new friends or have a boyfriend until I fix myself. It's an endless cycle..

stevetcg · Aug 26, 2009, 07:36 AM

Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

I think that all I want is just one person to care and listen and be there for me. I feel like I'm there for my friends, with advice or even tough love (when my friend was getting drunk and going off with random guys and almost raped). It's just like, all my friends can say is "I'm sorry" or "cheer up" or "I wish I could help you". I know it's not their job to give me the support or advice I need, but I usually end up apologising for leaning on them. Then the only people I have who would care and help are my parents, which is a definite no, or this 21 year old I met online who thinks he's in love with me and wants to "have me", basically. I think if I had even one close friend who'd be half as committed as I would be if one of my friends felt this way, or one normal guy who thought I was amazing; then I wouldn't hate myself so much and feel like such a disease.

It's hard for me to talk to my friends though even because I lost a lot when my problems began. I talk to people online more, but I'm afraid of losing even them.

I'm okay alone until it gets late and I'm sitting in my room. Or when it's time to eat and it's just me. Or when I have to listen to all the things my friends and roommate did with their other friends. I can't be social either. I feel like I'm annoying and ugly, so I don't force my presence on others. I'd rather be known as a loner than a creep.

I used rubbing alcohol to clean when cutting and assumed burning the metal would suffice when burning. Then I always cared for my wounds. I never really bled, just scarred.
I was tempted to use the tylenol again, but I didn't.

In the end, I don't feel like I can make new friends or have a boyfriend until I fix myself. It's an endless cycle..

Cleaning the blade does not make cutting yourself any better.

If you want to fix yourself, you need to stop sitting around hoping someone will do it for you. Ever heard the expression "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink"? You have been lead to the help... its up to you to get it.

give2me1lemons · Aug 26, 2009, 07:54 AM

You have to be strong to admit that you are that messed up that you need a professional to sort you out and shove you in the right direction. Even so, it feels weak to me if I can't do it by myself. I don't know. It's so hard for me to do that-I'm still not willing to accept I'm that bad. Plus you have to trust some stranger to keep your secrets and help you and not lock you up. I think I could do it alone if I had support, but I don't. Do you get what I'm saying, or am I just dumb?

stevetcg · Aug 26, 2009, 08:15 AM

Originally Posted by give2me1lemons

You have to be strong to admit that you are that messed up that you need a professional to sort you out and shove you in the right direction. Even so, it feels weak to me if I can't do it by myself. I don't know. It's so hard for me to do that-I'm still not willing to accept I'm that bad. Plus you have to trust some stranger to keep your secrets and help you and not lock you up. I think I could do it alone if I had support, but I don't. Do you get what I'm saying, or am I just dumb?

Call it what you want - its just making excuses. You cannot make excuses when it comes to your life. You can't fool yourself.

What you are looking for IS the support that a therapist brings.

asking · Aug 26, 2009, 08:22 AM

You are obviously not dumb and I get what you are saying. But I wonder why you feel that getting help is weak. And also why your parents are not there for you. Do they think people shouldn't need help? It seems to me that when people really get into trouble, like I feel you are, it's because they don't have family or friends to fall back on. So it's a vicious circle. So how did that start for you? How did you start to feel so isolated?

Anyway, you are where you are. So regardless of how you got there, it's time to start digging yourself out. I really think you should find a counselor who understands your issues. Hold out for someone you like and who knows at least a little about self harm. The counselor is legally required to keep your words confidential. If you can afford to pay yourself (instead of insurance) and you tell them not to take notes, that increases your safety in terms of confidentiality.

I would make sure that you are clear that you are not trying to kill yourself. Let there be no doubt about that. And please, please stop taking the overdoses of tylenol. Cutting yourself is disfiguring, but you know you can heal from it. Your liver is not as resilient as your skin, so please don't do that. (And I'm not advocating cutting. :))