[give2me1lemons]

I'm not though. Not currently. It's been two weeks since I have had anything stronger than a vitamin. Normally I'd vent and ramble, but I don't think it's worth it anymore.

Edit.. what would even happen to me at this point if a psychiatrist or psychologist or even a doctor knew everything all of you do? I mean I just cut/burned because I got so angry and felt so stupid over my ex roommate. And I know it's bad and wrong, and I even tried venting to my friend, but it's never enough. The only thing that calms me and brings me back to reality is hurting myself.

I wish I had someone in my life who took me as seriously as you all seem to and who would drag me to someone who could help me. I'm convinced that even if my parents ever did find out, I could convince them to leave me alone and that I'm fine now.

Maybe this thread should be locked. I don't want it to be, but then as long as it is here and people respond; I'm going to want to come here with my weak bs and drama.

[firmbeliever]

We actually, would love to help you face your fears and get over them, I am sure every member who has posted on this thread wants you to find the solution to your problems and for you to go on with your life without wanting to self harm in anyway.

But,in the end there is no one who can make you do anything you do not want to do. It always comes down to you, you are the one who has to decide to change or not.

When you decide to change,we have many here who will support your choice and want to help you get through a difficult time, and direct you to professional help when necessary.
The same members will talk to you,listen to you, and be there when you want to rant, as you get through the hurdles that you will face in overcoming your habits.



.

[JudyKayTee]

I find that continuous posts which appear to be just for the attention, appear to justify certain behaviors ("I only did it because ...") are frustrating and time wasting.

Lots and lots of people have received support on these threads but "we" can't help you when "you" won't help yourself, particularly when you ask for info and then argue with the very people who research and provide that info.

Ever hear of "Starby," one of our very much loved members? She died of liver failure. Use the AMHD search feature to find her name and read the threads. She suffered for a very long time.

[give2me1lemons]

I don't like the term, but in a way I come here for attention. Everything I say on here is true and is me, but I come here to say it because I don't have anyone else I feel right saying it too. Even on here I feel ashamed sometimes. I burned last night because emotions just get so over the top sometimes. It's like when I used to cry (and I cried a lot), I'd hyperventilate-I'm silent now-and my parents would get poed and tell me to knock it off. I physically couldn't without holding my breath for gradually longer periods... like when someone is just beyond reason and you need to smack some sense into them. I get this sensation in my wrists and chest where it's almost like my body is begging to be cut/burned/hurt when I get really upset. After I burned a few times, I calmed down, and I accept it. It's my fault I got screwed for being too nice and trusting against my better judgement.

I guess I do argue. I'm defensive, and I feel like I have to convince people I will be fine and here's why. I didn't mean to argue with J_9, if you consider that arguing, I was just trying to get the facts. Either she didn't know I stopped taking tylenol two weeks ago (understandable with a thread this long and tiresome), or she knows something I don't (ie the articles are wrong since she is a nurse, or I stopped too late and my liver is going to keep dying without intervention even though I stopped). Honestly I don't mean to argue. I don't like to be hated, and I am more likely to flee than fight. I like debating, but that is something entirely different.

I did stop cutting for a year and played an online game instead. I didn't fix anything though or have help, so they (my guild) became my vice. Once I became comfortable with them, I let slip too much and became too much drama, in my own words, for them. I felt annoying, especially since I was one of the youngest (I started playing when I was 16), so I actually became annoying when I'd make these late night rambling posts where I was quitting and I was no good and all this crap. Then they'd beg me back and yell at me and put me in my place (I honestly think it was more tough love). When I eventually was accused of being a martyr because of the things I said and how I felt, I admitted about my past with the cutting. After a year of the game, I finally left for their sake and started cutting, and then burning, soon after. I eventually went back to them, but I didn't stop hurting myself again. It just got worse. But I know I am capable of stopping.

I blame my parents a lot and make excuses. Even before I had no insurance as an excuse not to get help I had excuses. The truth is I am so afraid of my family or my town or my school or any employers I ever have knowing I have problems. I want to fix it and bury it and be done with it. I only want one person beside myself who knows all this about me and who I really am. I blame my parents because while I realize I am responsible for me now, I can't help but feel like we are all products of our environments and that our parents play a seriously strong role in shaping who we turn out to be. I don't want to be anything like my parents, and I hate how simple choices they made when I was too young to know the consequences will effect me for the rest of my life. I always feel like there are a lot of things too late to change about me that I had no control over, because kids just need a shove sometimes rather than my parents' approach of not forcing us to do anything. It's stupid, and I need to get over it, but there you have it.

And I still need to accept I do need professional help. Most of the time I do but can't bring myself to seek it, and other times I feel like I just need to escape my past completely so I can be who I want to be.

I know about Starby. J_9 sent me the link earlier in this thread. I never knew her, but I can tell she was loved deeply but many, many people on this site and elsewhere. I hope that someday I can be half as lovable and memorable as she.

I know it is up to me, but I don't trust myself. I was 12 the first time someone suggested I "talk to someone". I was 11 or 12 when I was told I had scholiosis(sp) and am my hips turn in. I was 14 when I was ordered to have further testing to rule out possible kidney problems. I'm 18 now and am still pigeon toed and possibly still have scholiosis(sp), possibly have kidney issues because I refused the tests, and have never talked to a professional. I talked my parents (namely my mom) out of going back to the back doctor or getting simple, further testing for my kidneys because "I would know" if something was wrong with my body and I felt uncomfortable around doctors/nurses. Even when I was in the first or second grade and the nurse gave me a note to give my parents (in cursive, so I couldn't read it) about an eye infection; I hid that problem until a year later when I cracked under the guilt. I'm clearly not my best advocate.

[firmbeliever]

You do know that you can never escape yourself or your memories or totally forget the decisions you have made so far.

Yes you can change,make over and start over and do things right from the moment you decide to do it,but the past is the past.
You cannot undo the past nor the things your parents chose to do or the things you did.

I have always believed that the steps on Narcotics Anonymous/Alcoholics Anonymous should be considered by anyone starting over from any bad habits.

1. We admitted we were powerless over (whatever it is that has become a bad habit)- that our lives had become unmanageable.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I have skipped over the steps regarding God as I don't know what is your beliefs.

[J_9]

I respectfully unsubscribe from this thread. There is no way I, or anyone else on this site, can help you. As I have stated before, you need professional help and most of us are not professionals.

Your posts are long-winded and very time consuming to read. They always end up in excuse after excuse for your behavior.

Sorry to sound rude, but sometimes you have to hear the cold hard facts to wake up and realize that you need more help than we can give you here.

[JudyKayTee]

I've got to agree with J9 - all you want is attention and you have a great need to express yourself in long/rambling posts. You are taking time and energy away from other people. You need a trained mental health professional and I see the advice/info you are receiving on this board as making your situation worse.

Likewise, I am out of here.

[give2me1lemons]

I find the troll logo very hurtful. Couldn't you have just closed the thread? I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time, but I was told once I could come here to talk and vent. If I could delete my membership, I would.

And I know threads can be deleted. I've seen them disappear-like the Just Looking thread. This thread won't help anyone, so can someone please delete this thread and all my others and then delete me if it's possible? Or at least ban me, if you can't delete me? Please..

[give2me1lemons]

Please delete this. If I'm such a troll, it shouldn't be an issue. I want to leave and have it be like I was never here. I want to be gone as much as I am wanted gone. No one would read any of this anyhow, so it doesn't help to keep it here. Why torture me? I said it should probably be closed, I said you cna't help me, I've said that I'd be tempted to respond as long as people kept the thread alive. I want it gone, so I can be gone. Instead I'm labeled troll and the thread is left open. Why hold this over me? WHo does it help? Please erase this so I can let it go. I am begging. I wish I had never been so open. I wish I never signed up and reached out. I want to go back to my silence. What do I have to do forthis to be gone?

[JudyKayTee]

Just don't respond, don't sign in and the thread will die.

Threads are never removed this far into questions and answers. They are occasionally closed.

Again - don't read and if anyone else responds you won't know about it.

In the meantime - and your two latest posts prove it - you need some serious help.

And, poof! I'm gone again.