10 yr old spoons with dad

napagirl · Aug 5, 2009, 11:18 AM

My boyfriends daughter comes to stay about every other weekend and every wed and thurs. She hangs all over him like she is the girlfriend. She spoons with him on the couch and when we watch TV in our bed she lays her legs all over him and reaches up to kiss him constantely puckering up and waiting for him to she her. My seven and nineteen year old never have done these things with their father, they sit on his lap and that is about it. She on the other hand is 130lbs and developed and looks like she might be thirteen and she sits beside him on the sofa so close he can't move and hold his hand the whole time. Is this a normal thing for someone who is ten. Also she sleep with him until I moved in and I said I don't sleep with my kids I will not sleep with someone else's. What is wrong with this picture am I over reacting . Thank for coments.

jadah · Aug 5, 2009, 12:41 PM

10 year old you say, well I used to jump from time to time in my parents bed till I was 8 or something when I had a nightmare or couldn t sleep for whatever reason. I think some kids take some longer to get used to it. You shouldn't overreact maybe try to "teach" the kid or let your boyfriend teach her that she s too old to do such things.

nikosmom · Aug 5, 2009, 12:59 PM

Take it in context - some families are very affectionate and it may just be that. It's a matter of are there inappropriate intentions? She may just be overly happy to spend time with her father. What you see as "spooning" may be cuddling. It's likely that at 10, she just enjoys closeness with her daddy. Keep in mind holding his hand doesn't mean the same to her as it does to you.

Sexuality can be found in anything if you go looking hard enough. Some parents kiss their kids' lips, some kiss their cheeks, some don't kiss at all. Maybe your boyfriend was raised in an openly affectionate family.

Have you talked with him about your discomfort? What does he say about your feelings? It's also possible that you have jealousy regarding his relationship with his daughter...

Jake2008 · Aug 5, 2009, 01:02 PM

I think it is innapropriate.

She has no reason to be glued to her father puckering up waiting for him to notice her so she can kiss and kiss him back. Legs all over him, he can't move, constantly hanging on him, for God's sake, the father needs a reality slap here.

I don't think that is appropriate at ANY age. A child that needs that much attention is lacking in self control, confidence, and a lack of feeling secure in my opinion. Perhaps it is time to address this frankly with your husband, tell him you are uncomfortable with this, and ask him if he would think about speaking with a children's counsellor to see why her needs are so great.

No counsellor worth her salt is going to say what you have described is 'normal' behaviour for this child.

There is something going on here, and the sooner it is addressed the better for all.

jenniepepsi · Aug 5, 2009, 01:03 PM

I agree. My daughter may only be 5, but she spoons my husband every morning (she comes in about 3am lol and gets some more sleep in between us but on daddys side)

It doesn't seem to be anything serious other than a daughter and a father who are very close.

Is the girls mother in her life? If not, this could cause her to be extra affectionate to her dad (it would go the other way too if it was mom around and dad not around)

It doesn't sound like anything innapropriet.

It would be different if it was your husband acting this way towards her (sitting close to her, putting his legs on her, laying with her ect) , but it simply sounds like a very affectionate little girl. She may have a grown girls body, but she is still a LITTLE GIRL. And little girls need their daddys affection very much.

88sunflower · Aug 5, 2009, 01:17 PM

Obviously if you're the girlfriend then he has split with the mother. Maybe she is having a hard time with this split and a bit insecure about it. Maybe she needs the affection to feel secure. Its possible also her father doesn't say anything to correct the behavior because it's a broken home. Maybe he carries guilt for this and that's why he feels its OK.

napagirl · Aug 5, 2009, 01:46 PM

Originally Posted by napagirl

My boyfriends daughter comes to stay about every other weekend and every wed and thurs. She hangs all over him like she is the girlfriend. She spoons with him on the couch and when we watch tv in our bed she lays her legs all over him and reaches up to kiss him constantely puckering up and waiting for him to she her. My seven and nineteen year old never have done these things with thier father, they sit on his lap and that is about it. She on the other hand is 130lbs and developed and looks like she might be thirteen and she sits beside him on the sofa so close he can't move and hold his hand the whole time. Is this a normal thing for someone who is ten. Also she sleep with him until I moved in and I said I don't sleep with my kids I will not sleep with someone elses. What is wrong with this picture am I over reacting . thank for coments.

They have been divorced since she was two and he lived with one other women for four years and they always did things separate from each other because she had two children also with very different schedules.

napagirl · Aug 5, 2009, 01:48 PM

Originally Posted by nikosmom

Take it in context - some families are very affectionate and it may just be that. It's a matter of are there inappropriate intentions? She may just be overly happy to spend time with her father. What you see as "spooning" may be cuddling. It's likely that at 10, she just enjoys closeness with her daddy. Keep in mind holding his hand doesn't mean the same to her as it does to you.

Sexuality can be found in anything if you go looking hard enough. Some parents kiss their kids' lips, some kiss their cheeks, some don't kiss at all. Maybe your boyfriend was raised in an openly affectionate family.

Have you talked with him about your discomfort? What does he say about your feelings? It's also possible that you have jealousy regarding his relationship with his daughter...

I have and I don't think they is anything sexual at all and never have I just don't understand her needyness, her parents have been divorced since she was two and he lived with one other woman for four years .

napagirl · Aug 5, 2009, 01:51 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I think it is innapropriate.

She has no reason to be glued to her father puckering up waiting for him to notice her so she can kiss and kiss him back. Legs all over him, he can't move, constantly hanging on him, for God's sake, the father needs a reality slap here.

I don't think that is appropriate at ANY age. A child that needs that much attention is lacking in self control, confidence, and a lack of feeling secure in my opinion. Perhaps it is time to address this frankly with your husband, tell him you are uncomfortable with this, and ask him if he would think about speaking with a children's counsellor to see why her needs are so great.

No counsellor worth her salt is going to say what you have described is 'normal' behaviour for this child.

There is something going on here, and the sooner it is addressed the better for all.

She just started conselling this week because her mother thoght she was feeling left out but they have been divorced since she was two years old and he had another girlfriend for four years and she got tired of all the attention she needed. She is an only child on both sides

napagirl · Aug 5, 2009, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by jadah

10 year old you say, well I used to jump from time to time in my parents bed till I was 8 or something when I had a nightmare or couldn t sleep for whatever reason. I think some kids take some longer to get used to it. You shouldn't overreact maybe try to "teach" the kid or let your bf teach her that she s too old to do such things.

She sleep there every night and has no nightmares or bad dreams just like to be clingy

jenniepepsi · Aug 5, 2009, 01:54 PM

they always did things separate from each other because she had two children also with very different schedules.

This is a key I feel... if she was struggling for the affection of her father before with the other 2 children, its normal for her to latch on completely when those children are gone. She is fearfull it will happen again and she doesn't want it to. Even at 10, she is still very young and innocent.

Jake2008 · Aug 5, 2009, 02:49 PM

Just a suggestion, but if the father feels that his daughter needs more one on one time, why not take her to the park, or out swimming, to a movie, shopping, the library, enjoy a bike ride together, maybe fishing.

Perhaps allow her to have a friend over for a sleepover, order in pizza, and a movie just for them.

There are plenty of things he can do to both be an attentive father, yet encourage her independence from being tied to the hip.

If it is time he needs to give her, then give her time and attention, but in my opinion, this spooning business, over-cuddling, kissy huggy stuff is over the top.

I think it is quite possible that the father may need to learn how to properly address his daughter's needs appropriately.

flossie · Aug 5, 2009, 03:21 PM

Perhaps she isn't getting the attention she needs at mommy's house so she wants extra attention when she's with daddy.

Why does her mother feel like "she's being left out"? I think there may be a little more to the story??

mudweiser · Aug 5, 2009, 03:35 PM

She's 10- she wants her dad's attention she only sees him every other weekend and those two days...

If she was 17 then I think there's a problem...

She'll grow out of it.. besides she is going to counseling.

Sarah