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checkmarkfill · Aug 3, 2009, 02:56 AM

Been together for over 2 years and I met all the important persons in his life, including all of his family and friends. My parents live in another country and I suggested to visit them as we came back from a trip. He said he would rather never meet them but at the end said yes. Sudenly as the trip came to the end and we were driving home through my home town he said he was tired and didn't want to meet them and just drove away. I was shocked and very hurt.

Later I cried to him how could he do this, he said he was sorry with a lame excuse he wasn't looking his best to meet them. We're nearly 30 and I don't know what I mean to him anymore. He is a bit shy and distant person but I've seen him doing much more stresful things than this.

What could be the true reasons he did this and is it an indicator of a failed relationship? I'm so mad at him right now and don't feel I'll ever be able to forgive him. Can someone help me with this?

Thanks everyone!

N0help4u · Aug 3, 2009, 05:42 AM

If he can't do something as simple as meet your parents then I think something must be wrong especially since he knows how much it means to you. When you told him you were through how did he reply that should be a good indicator right there. Maybe he just didn't feel up to meeting him that instance BUT knowing how much it means to you he should have been coming up with an alternative plan B to meet them not just blowing it off.
I'd leave it go the ball is in his court if he wants to continue and make ammends. He already knows your wishes.

I wish · Aug 3, 2009, 07:53 AM

This raises a lot of red flags. I don't want to sound stereotypical, but after a 2 year relationship and being 30 years old, he should be comfortable enough to meet anyone or face anyone.

If he can't do something so simple, after all this time, who knows what else he can't do.

You can keep trying to talk to him and hope that he makes some progress. But if you ever feel that his progress is insufficient, then maybe it's time to make it a clean break. There's no reason for you to suffer because of the way he is.

Relationships are suppose to progress and regress. It sounds like he took a huge step backwards when he turned the car around while on your way to meet your parents.

You really need to talk things out with him. Nail down the problems. Otherwise, you're just prolonging the suffering dand delaying the inevitable breakup.

talaniman · Aug 3, 2009, 07:54 AM

I think his reasons are lame, and you are justified in never talking to him again. That's just to uncaring in my book. Its also a big deal breaker, but that's just my opinion. I wouldn't care what his reasons are.

paxe · Aug 3, 2009, 08:09 AM

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because I didn't want to meet her parent in another country. I despise her for that because she didn't understand me. For me it's a cultural thing as parents are very stricked. If you want to dump your boyfriend because he is not ready to meet your parent, well do it, he'll find someone better. What happened to talking to him calmly and sticking with someone you love?

Justwantfair · Aug 3, 2009, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by paxe

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because I didn't want to meet her parent in another country. I despise her for that because she didn't understand me. For me it's a cultural thing as parents are very stricked. If you want to dump your boyfriend because he is not ready to meet your parent, well do it, he'll find someone better. What happened to talking to him calmly and sticking with someone you love?

How do you stick with someone you love, when they aren't growing with you? Meeting the parents is part of growth with a partner toward a future. Unwillingness to meet the parents especially when they are out of the country and requiring special arrangements, especially after two years, is a red flag for the future of a relationship.

As the OP's partner can find someone better, so can the OP. It sounds like the situation was addressed calmly and went from unagreeable, to agreement, to bail out. A relationship has to be given to equally, there isn't an equality of this arrangement.

Torrid13 · Aug 3, 2009, 09:33 PM

I would drop him like a bag full of... dirty underwear!

He sounds like a coward.
I don't much care for cowards, as you can see by my siggy.

And you shouldn't put up with a coward in your relationship, if he can't meet your parents, how will he protect you? How can you trust him to raise a family? Tie his shoes?

I mean, the list goes on and on.
Basically what he did was a

D-D-DEAL BREAKER!

Silverfoxkit · Aug 3, 2009, 09:44 PM

My first instincts agree with everyone else. Deal Breaker.

But before I make any assumptions that he is just a dead beat coward with no actual intent for a serious future I would like to ask a few questions.

Are you from drastically different cultures? Are there any real reasons he would be afraid or ashamed to meet your parents? Is this a problem he is willing to work through? If you asked him if he was willing to get up and go meet your parents right now, would he say yes?

If the answer to any of those above questions is NO then I think you should seriously reconsider this relationship before you waste any more of your life on someone who could so easily disregard your feelings.

Gemini54 · Aug 3, 2009, 10:50 PM

I'm a bit stunned that someone that you've been with for 2 years would behave like that. Having said that, methinks that there is something else going on.

I know you're angry and upset (I would be too), but once you've calmed down a bit is it possible to have an honest conversation with him? Why would he have rather not met your parents?

I'd be seriously reconsidering his maturity and capacity for commitment if you don't get an honest answer. If he doesn't have the ability to reflect on his own motivations and behavior then he's a child not a man.

paxe · Aug 4, 2009, 07:38 AM

My god people, is your only answer to all relationship problem is break up? That's a 2 year relationship, not a fling and it is a big burden. For some guys out there, meeting the parents is a tremendous step. She needs to talk to his boyfriend calmly and then she can decide to dump him or not.

Justwantfair · Aug 4, 2009, 07:43 AM

Originally Posted by paxe

My god people, is your only answer to all relationship problem is break up? That's a 2 year relationship, not a fling and it is a big burden. For some guys out there, meeting the parents is a tremendous step. She needs to talk to his boyfriend calmly and then she can decide to dump him or not.

Exactly it's a two year relationship, not a fling, meeting the parents needs to happen.
Imagine your own child, dating for two years, but you never get the opportunity to meet the person that your child thinks is the love of their life.
Not meeting the parents after two years, is a deal breaker.

talaniman · Aug 4, 2009, 08:03 AM

Originally Posted by paxe

My god people, is your only answer to all relationship problem is break up? That's a 2 year relationship, not a fling and it is a big burden. For some guys out there, meeting the parents is a tremendous step. She needs to talk to his boyfriend calmly and then she can decide to dump him or not.

What was standing out to me, was the way he dodged the opportunity to meet them, and that after two years is a big red flag to me. Also they did talk and his excuses were lame at best.

paxe · Aug 4, 2009, 10:21 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Exactly it's a two year relationship, not a fling, meeting the parents needs to happen.
Imagine your own child, dating for two years, but you never get the opportunity to meet the person that your child thinks is the love of their life.
Not meeting the parents after two years, is a deal breaker.

I'm 100% agreeing with you that not meeting the parents is very wrong. Does that really mean it's a deal breaker? I don't think so. I'll give you my personal example. My ex dumped me for one of those reasons ( I didn't want to meet her family ). What she didn't understand, is that for me meeting parents is an extremely stressful thing. I come from a very conservative familly and when my brothers presented other girls to the family, there was tremendous pressure. Every time there was problem and constant arguing, this is why I personally decided not to meet her parents and not to present her to my parents, as I know it would be problematic.

There might be some profound reason why his boyfriend didn't want to meet her parent and I think she needs to take this into consideration and talk to him. In life there is going to be a lot of reasons couples are going to disagree on, this doesn't mean it's a deal breaker every time. It's better this than finding another boyfriend who may abuse her or another man that will lead to a divorce.

paxe · Aug 4, 2009, 10:24 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

What was standing out to me, was the way he dodged the opportunity to meet them, and that after two years is a big red flag to me. Also they did talk and his excuses were lame at best.

She did specify that he is shy, and it is sometime very hard to overcome shyness. In some culture, meeting parents is a very big step and it can be verty stressful or for some people.

Justwantfair · Aug 4, 2009, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by paxe

I'm 100% agreeing with you that not meeting the parents is very wrong. Does that really mean it's a deal breaker? I don't think so. I'll give you my personal example. My ex dumped me for one of those reasons ( I didn't want to meet her family ). What she didn't understand, is that for me meeting parents is an extremely stressful thing. I come from a very conservative familly and when my brothers presented other girls to the family, there was tremendous pressure. Everytime there was problem and constant arguing, this is why I personally decided not to meet her parents and not to present her to my parents, as I know it would be problematic.

There might be some profound reason why his boyfriend didn't want to meet her parent and I think she needs to take this into consideration and talk to him. In life there is going to be a lot of reasons couples are going to disagree on, this doesn't mean it's a deal breaker every time. It's better this than finding another boyfriend who may abuse her or another man that will lead to a divorce.

Although you are sympathetic with the boyfriend position because of your own experiences, you are not showing growth of relationship or a future to be unwilling to meet each other parents, it's a right of passage in most relationships. If you can't make it past that passage, you are only looking at a closed door with a relationship without a future. To continue will just be more stagant and constant frustrations because of the stangancy.

As your partner choose, you will find most would choose to leave, then to stay in a relationship without a future, with lame excuses.

Meeting the parents doesn't always go smooth and sometimes you will have to stand for one side or the other to encourage the transition, but meeting the parents has to happen. Bailing at the doorstep was the ultimate slap in the face.

paxe · Aug 4, 2009, 10:52 AM

I don't see in any way how not meeting the parents correlates with growth of relationship. I think we should be clear, that he didn't specify he will never meet the parent, it was this time that he didn't want to meet him.

It may seem that 2 years is a long time, but I learned that we should never pressure someone into doing something you dislike. I have a bit more conservative view for long term relationship and marriage, but the facts are here: 50% of people are divorcing and with tremendous tool on kids. I believe that nowadays people don't work hard enough on their relationship, and usually take the easy way out (dumping someone for someone else).

Don't forget that there is always 2 side of the story. I just ask that you consider this for an instant and see if it's really the best thing to dump him before working with him. It's always easier to destroy than to create.

Justwantfair · Aug 4, 2009, 10:56 AM

Originally Posted by paxe

I don't see in any way how not meeting the parents correlates with growth of relationship. I think we should be clear, that he didn't specify he will never meet the parent, it was this time that he didn't want to meet him.

It may seem that 2 years is a long time, but I learned that we should never pressure someone into doing something you dislike. I have a bit more conservative view for long term relationship and marriage, but the facts are here: 50% of people are divorcing and with tremendous tool on kids. I believe that nowadays people don't work hard enough on their relationship, and usually take the easy way out (dumping someone for someone else).

Don't forget that there is always 2 side of the story. I just ask that you consider this for an instant and see if it's really the best thing to dump him before working with him. It's always easier to destroy than to create.

I agree to disagree.
If you fall back on the divorce rate, that is all the more reason for the OP to walk away. Leave when you see the red flag. She talked to him, was more then reasonable, he bailed.

talaniman · Aug 4, 2009, 11:08 AM

Cultural differences aside, avoiding problems, through fear, or discomfort, is not a good solution when your trying to build something. We all have our issues, and baggage we bring with us to a relationship, but resolution of those issues is often paramount to be able to build on something solid, especially if its important to a partner.

Any relationship that's defined by an unwillingness to work together on important issues, be it finances, raising kids, or individual responsibilities, is doomed from the start.

What will define this relationship, is how they work together to define their issue, to avoid resentments, and future problems.

The easy answer is communications, to get some reasonable action, that works for them both.

Talaniman Rule- Sometimes a man has to do right by their partners, especially if it means a lot. He should at least try.

crisluvsu731 · Aug 4, 2009, 12:31 PM

Originally Posted by paxe

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because I didn't want to meet her parent in another country. I despise her for that because she didn't understand me. For me it's a cultural thing as parents are very stricked. If you want to dump your boyfriend because he is not ready to meet your parent, well do it, he'll find someone better. What happened to talking to him calmly and sticking with someone you love?

Well, she obviously loves him, and if he loved her, he would do anything for her, especially meet her parents. If there is any future for them, the parents should be involved.

checkmarkfill · Aug 4, 2009, 01:38 PM

Thanks everyone once again for helping me through this. You really gave me some excellent thoughts and questions to think about, no matter the side you are on.

I'm not really speaking to him since this is a deal breaker and I'm deeply hurt. This is still very fresh and I'm not able to think through it calmly.

Unless he comes with honest reasons behind his behaviour and thoughts about our possible future it's definitely over. I will not start this conversation again since he had a chance to speak out and his excuses were lame. Though I don't think his true reasons would change things. They are my parents! What's done is done. I can't tell one thing he could do or say to truly forgive him.

Sure I can listen to him if he has something to say. He is calling me on the phone but avoiding the topic. I wish I knew what else is obviously going on with him. To answer you there are NO cultural differences. Big step or not, shyness or not, I did it for him many times. And he said he would do anything for me! This is a RED flag. If I'm breaking up it won't be over nothing.