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Yurip · Aug 2, 2009, 08:38 PM

Hello friends,

The last few days have been hell. My girlfriend of 15 has found out her father is about to die. About 5 days ago he was trying to finish the roof of the house he was building when he shot himself in the head with a nailgun. He came home and told us that the nail just grazed him. We were surprised but thankful. In the next 3 days he found that he was getting frequent headaches. He went to the hospital and requested an x-ray which revealed he had a nail in his brain. Miracles happen, and lucky for us the 3/4 inch nail had missed everything important but he had to take a medevac down for surgery. The surgery went well, they said he'd recover in a week. My girlfriend took a plane down and was with her father before and after the surgery and she felt it was all fine. But as tragedy would have it he had 2 strokes and doesn't have long to live and is in a paralyzed state in which he can't talk.

I don't know what to tell my girlfriend or what to do for her. Being of no particular faith I have tried to contact a rabbi and priest, to see what their explanations of this are and how it is gods work.

My question to you friends, is how can I support my girlfriend? How can I relate to her? What can I tell her? Is there any good reading material? Are there some nice things to say? How can I stop her from being afraid of the future? I read that losing a parent is like losing your past. How can I help her deal with it?

Any talk is greatly appreciated.

Most Greatfuly,
Yuri Podmoroff

Fr_Chuck · Aug 2, 2009, 08:47 PM

Don't try and say anything, just be there for her

Just Dahlia · Aug 2, 2009, 08:49 PM

Yuri, I'm so sorry, but there are no magic words. The best you can do is be there to support her no matter what. She might go through many changes in moods, as in really angry and really sad or even 'why me?'

If she has any beliefs, they might help her through this awful situation.
Losing a parent is indeed a terrible thing, but with love around her she can make it through.

Good luck to both of you and I hope you both make it through this.

Wondergirl · Aug 2, 2009, 09:00 PM

I too am so sorry! Just hug her and hold her and be there for her. There are no words that will help. Let her talk, especially about him, and after he's gone, keep her talking about her dad and all her good memories of him.

God doesn't want us to be unhappy or have bad things happen in our lives, but for now we have to live in this imperfect world where babies die and weeds grow in our gardens and bad things DO happen to good people.

dipti jain · Aug 2, 2009, 09:01 PM

Hi,
In this world, most people say that to love someone and being loved by someone is all what we need. But the truth is that, all of us need much more than that, love, affection, understanding, support etc. It is human psychology. At this moment when she ia facing a down turn of her life and there is nothing which doctors can do, only thing u can do is BE WITH HER, support her, Try to make her father happy. At this moment it is act which counts and not words. You need not to say anything but do something which should make her proud of u. Also make her father proudof having a caring person in his daughter life, who will take care of her after him. It will show what is love for u. What is love In this link u will get the meaning of love from someone else point of view. Might possible it will help u. All the best

N0help4u · Aug 3, 2009, 05:57 AM

I agree with the others
No matter what she should talk to him and give him comfort. They say even people in comas can feel and hear your comforting words. So no matter how bad he gets she needs to give him the love and attention.

s_cianci · Aug 3, 2009, 06:04 AM

Everyone deals with these things differently and your girlfriend is no exception. You say that you're of "no particular faith" but what about her faith? Talking to a clergyman from her denomination may be of benefit to you. Or even talking with her own clergyman about your concerns would be a good idea. In the interest of his parishioner he'll be glad to speak with you even if you don't know him personally. Other than that, the best thing you can do is assure her that you're there for her, which she probably knows already just by the concern you've demonstrated. If you have any personal experiences you can share with her, then do that.

poohbear102 · Aug 3, 2009, 10:59 PM

My father died last year and when I found out he was going to within a couple of months there was not much my boyfriend could do but be there for me. My boyfriend just would keep me company and if I wanted to talk about it he would listin. There is really nothing you can do but be there for her every step of the way. She really needs you now the most and you just being there even if your just watching t.v will make her feel better

morgaine300 · Aug 12, 2009, 12:02 AM

I lost my father to a massive stroke. So I have a few things I can say, not only about strokes, but from my point of view, having been the daughter.

First, anything can happen and it can happen at any time. That not only includes his death, but the possibility of him living. A week after my dad's stroke all the doctors and nurses were convinced he was going to pass away that weekend, and he did not. Due to what we believe was his sheer will to live. Alas, in the long run we did lose him. But even so, he surpassed what everyone expected.

Tell her it's time to say anything she has to say. I found it difficult to talk to my dad. He wasn't totally paralyzed but the most "talking" he ever did was noises and mumbling. So I didn't say much - except every time he was reasonably coherent I told him I loved him. I will never have to look back and say, "The last time I saw my dad we argued," or "I didn't tell him I loved him enough."

There is more to communication than words. If she doesn't already, try to make sure she understands this. She can sit with him, talk to him (she can just tell him about mundane daily things), hold his hand, smile at him. There's a bond that sometimes can't be understood until you're in this situation. I hope she can have that. Especially being a daughter. Assuming he's in ICU, you likely can't go with her, but you can be in the waiting area in case she needs you. (As much as you can fit it into the schedule.) But be aware of other family members who may not think you belong. Or there just may be times when they need to deal with things that you will have to be left out of. But you can still be there for her later.

It can help if you actually understand what is going on with him yourself. If you think it's appropriate, you can ask other family members - they may or may not think it's any of your business. I don't know them or your relationship with them, so you'd know better. I know it helped me to sometimes have someone to talk to besides just my brothers all the time. I discussed feelings with them, but also had to discuss "issues" with them - things that needed decided, etc. So sometimes it was nice to have someone I could just talk to.

Do not be afraid to just come right out and ask her what she wants. Does she want you to stay, or be alone? Does she want to talk? (She might want to but be afraid to, or not know how to start.) There's nothing wrong with simply asking "Would you prefer to be alone right now?" She may want a hug - she may want you to stay away. She may feel funny crying in front of you - just react by putting your arm around her so she feels it's OK and not be embarrassed by it. This will be a time for a lot of tears. If she pushes you away, don't take it personally. Sometimes she may not have anything to say, but it won't necessarily mean she doesn't want you there. Maybe she just will need your presence. Don't feel like something always has to be said.

If she needs to talk, let her. About whatever she wants. It may not even be about her dad, but a lot of it probably will be. It's very tough to watch your dad go through something like this. You tend to feel helpless sometimes. And sometimes it seems like it would be better for them to be gone. She may have thoughts like that and needs not to feel guilty about it. In fact, she needs to feel like anything she says or feels is perfectly normal, because it probably is. It's hard to watch someone whose life as they knew it has just been taken from them. I knew my dad wanted to talk, wanted to eat normal food, was bored to death I'm sure. And yet all he could do was lie there, hold a hand -- it was very sad, and frustrating. He couldn't do the most simple of things, and most people don't like being taken care of that way, especially, eh hem, certain physical care, etc. It will be hard for her to watch this.

I was the baby of the family and the only female. So daddy was special in that sort of way. Even when I'd been into adulthood for many years, it's still hard to lose those who raised you. It was scary. She's only 15 and that's far too young to be losing a father. Your parents are always the ones who "fix everything" and she's losing that. I think it will help to have strong male figures in her life, whether that's you or if she has older brothers. That might help with the "afraid of the future" thing.

Your post was very caring and even if you don't know quite what she is going through, it still sounds like you understand that this is something very difficult for her. I think that's a huge step in the right direction right there.

Well, I feel like I'm just rambling now so...