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jondoe · Aug 2, 2009, 07:55 PM

My fiancé and I have one child together. She has a child with an ex. The child is autistic (found out this year). We have been fighting a lot because of the stress from therapy and all of his app. We have not been having sex a lot lately and not been getting along because she is having a hard time dealing with all of the stress.
We got into an argument and she asked me to move out that she needed space and to think things over. I am hurting really bad and recently (yesterday) went over to our house and put a dozen roses of red and a dozen of white there. I wrote her a note and siad that I loved her and the white ones because I wanted to be best friends again and the red ones for how much I love her. I started crying and passed out and hit my head. I also had a nervous break down. I am better now and have anxiety meds.
My fiancé said that I am calling too much and trying to talk about this too much and that I am trying to hug her too much..
My question is. Is this the end and am I wasting my time trying to be with her.

I told her that I loved her too much not to work on this and that I was going to get counseling and help to try to fix this.. she said that she needed help to and that maybe someday we could meet in the middle..

Not sure what to believe.help please...

talaniman · Aug 2, 2009, 08:06 PM

Sorry for your situation, but its time to remove the stress on you both, by leaving her alone, and backing way off.

zippit · Aug 2, 2009, 08:11 PM

Just curious how you have a nervous breakdown and get meds in two days.
On to the help.
It would be best for you to just start accepting the worse,what ever that is to you.
That she may well be gone for good and forever,that she may already have someone else whatever it is.Because you are hurting and holding on to any thread of recovery from this relationship is only going to hinder and slow down what's most important right now and that's getting you better..

amicon · Aug 2, 2009, 08:15 PM

I'm sorry for your pain. Please give yourself some space and stay around people who are supportive. Its early days yet. All the best.

ITstudent2006 · Aug 2, 2009, 08:20 PM

Let me give you advice from someone who just broke up with his fiancé (that would be me)

I hit a point in my life where I seriously started rethinking what it was I wanted in my life. I was stressed from school, work and my father being close to dying. (at the time)
I asked for space and its seriously what I wanted. When you're trying to think of the rest of your life and you have your spouse bugging you all the time it makes it hard and to be honest its not fair.

Here is my advice... give her the space she needs. That's pretty much it. You have expressed your love one last time with the roses and now its time for her to decide what it is she wants inher life. What people don't realize is that the human being is never a guarantee and have to realize that we change all the time. What I wanted after high school and the years that followed is no longer what I wanted now. Maybe it's the same with your fiancé. What she thought she wanted is being questioned, all of the stress is probably a contributing factor but in the end its her choice and be ready to accpet the worst because let me tell you, nothing, not even an engagemtn ring, guarantees...

Good Luck with whatever happens and I wish you the best as well as your fiancé.

Rick

dincher · Aug 2, 2009, 08:20 PM

The best advice I can give you is to start the "No contact" process. There are many threads on that here.
I wish you the best.

jondoe · Aug 2, 2009, 08:38 PM

All of these answers are good ones. She wants to call and talk like I am still living there. She said that we are still in a relationship and that she doesn't want to moveon. And that she doesn't want me to move on. She says it is still our house and our bedroom. She calls to tell me goodnite. She tells me she loves me and that she misses me. I am just really confused because she wants to be like this but said I cannot move back right now and she cannot tell me when or if that would be possible...

jondoe · Aug 2, 2009, 08:41 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

just curious how you have a nervous breakdown and get meds in two days.
on to the help.
it would be best for you to just start accepting the worse,what ever that is to you.
That she may well be gone for good and forever,that she may already have someone else whatever it is.Because you are hurting and holding on to any thread of recovery from this relationship is only going to hinder and slow down whats most important right now and thats getting you better..

Went to the emergency room and spoke with the social worker...

amicon · Aug 2, 2009, 08:46 PM

If you were to ask yourself what do I truly want?what would your answer be?the first weeks after any break up are tough. It does get better.

Starry nights · Aug 2, 2009, 10:34 PM

Originally Posted by jondoe

My fiance and i have one child together. She has a child with an ex. The child is autistic (found out this year). we have been fighting alot because of the stress from therapy and all of his app. We have not been having sex alot lately and not been getting along because she is having a hard time dealing with all of the stress.
We got into an argument and she asked me to move out that she needed space and to think things over. I am hurting really bad and recently (yesterday) went over to our house and put a dozen roses of red and a dozen of white there. I wrote her a note and siad that i loved her and the white ones because i wanted to be best friends again and the red ones for how much i love her. I started crying and passed out and hit my head. I also had a nervous break down. i am better now and have anxiety meds.
My fiance said that i am calling too much and trying to talk about this too much and that i am trying to hug her too much..
My question is. Is this the end and am i wasting my time trying to be with her.

I told her that i loved her too much not to work on this and that i was going to get counseling and help to try to fix this..she said that she needed help to and that maybe someday we could meet in the middle..

not sure what to believe.help please....

I think she wants you to be supportive and caring,because in spite of everything,when the going's tough,people still need to feel loved and cared for.

At the same time,she wants a lot and lot of ME time,a lot of space where she can deal with her own stress and figure things out.

Personally,I know a couple who are also raising an autistic child and believe me,its hard work every day.Raising him honestly drains them both out and doesn't leave them much scope for each other.

In the end,its still your choice.How long are you willing to support her without knowing where you are going with her.If you are a person who can give unconditionally without wanting anything back,then you could give it a try.Otherwise,you know the answer.

All the best.

shyfoxie · Aug 2, 2009, 10:46 PM

This is not going to be fun, but going into panic mode and calling too much, leaving roses all the time will probably not help her calm down. Give her some space and be supportive and she might just remember why you're engaged.

zippit · Aug 3, 2009, 07:51 AM

Originally Posted by jondoe

went to the emergency room and spoke with the social worker...

Thanks ,I really didn't know emergency rooms will give help on mental issues.

You know I've kind of changed my thinking in light of your last reply,I didn't know she was calling and open to communicating with you that way.it looks more like a separation than a break it off deal to me.Does not change the advise to use this time to take care of you and to be helpful to the child the best you can,but the no-contact isn't in order limited contact maybe and that's a nightmare because you will both have needs at different times.
Maybe you should set up a schedule for phone calls,visits etc. that way there's no surprises and she can't say you are harassing her or getting into her space.