[mommyjessemn]

My seven year old daughter has been really depressed lately. It seems worse when she comes home from her dads house. (he suffers from depression too) She stays with him every other weekend. I really think he makes her feel bad for being happy at my house, or liking her stepdad. She comes home upset at me and crabby for a few days. And every time she talks to him she goes in her room and comes out looking like she is going to cry. I know he would not hurt her physically but I think he is messing with her emotionally. For example he told me that she wants to live with him. I don't think she would ever say that. She likes to go see him but she doesn't act like herself with him. She is quit and well behaved, like she is with a stranger. She never causes trouble like a 7 year old child would. She never fights with his girlfriends 2 year old child. These are things a normal 7 year old would do. I am worried that she is afraid to tell him how she feels. He has moved from girlfriend to girlfriend (about 6 or 7 times) in the last two years. WHen she goes to his house she is really going to the girlfriends house because dad always lives with the girl he is dating. THen all of a sudden he says "we will never see her again" because they broke up over something stupid and my daughter loses her friends and family she met while dad was with that girlfriend. I feel like she thinks if she makes her dad mad he will say "thats it, I will never see you again. I dont think she feels safe over there. Like the floor is going to drop out at any time because everything changes over there all the time. I feel like this has hurt her emotionally. She has even asked me (i am remarried) when I am going to get a new boyfriend and move. I feel like he expects a lot from her but doesnt really make her feel safe. He yells at me for letting her stay up late when she doesnt have school the next day, or for silly things like letting her be on the internet (in the living room). He then makes her feel bad for doing those things. She doesnt do the things she loves to do at his house. She seems really upset about this and has closed herself off. She just closes up when ever anyone asks her about her dads house, or why she is sad, or what she is feeling. I am afraid that she is going to become so depressed that she is going to hurt herself. She is only 7 and she says "I wish I was dead" all the time. This may be the new "cool" saying but it scares me. Does anyone have any idea if my daughter is having mental issues or if she is just feeling pressured by her dad? And what can I do to help? I am very careful not to say anything bad about her dad, and to not make her think things I want her to. I let her think for herself. I think he wants her to say she wants to live with him and not see me. I am a great mom. I stay at home with her and he works out of town all week. I really feel like she needs someone to talk to but no one can get her to open up. WHat should I do?

[Wondergirl]

You're doing a lot of projecting of what you think she is feeling. You might be right, and you might be very wrong. She certainly must sense this anxiety you put out.

Are there any counselors or therapists in your area who work with children specifically? That might be worth a try, but remember, the therapist isn't obliged to report back to you everything that your daughter says. Your daughter is the client.

Another option would be to find a family systems counselor/therapist whom you and your daughter would meet with and resolve some of these questions you have.

P.S. As a mom, it is your duty to spin your daughter's visits with her dad in positive ways. The glass is half full, not half empty. In fact, the glass could be full to overflowing. If you need ideas to get the glass full, ask me here.

[Justwantfair]

You can always try counseling, her father will continue to be in her life and there won't be anything that you can do to change that. Just always offer a supportive ear and work to keep the structure and stablity in your residence. With one stable and healthy environment it will help stabilize her for her future. She will come to her own decisions about her dad as she ages.

These are all things to be documenting should he not be willing to support a removal petition.

[artlady]

It is very difficult when separated parents are not on the same page regarding their parenting style.

Some difference is good,a child learns that there is more than one way to do things and that can be positive if it is used to effect a good outcome for the child and not to pit one parent against the other.

You and your ex need to try to develop a less hostile relationship and begin to work on your rapport.

I am certain the one thing you do agree on is the welfare of your child and you need to use that to your advantage.

It is great that you do not demean her father in front of her,that's commendable but I wonder if he does the same.It would appear not.That has to be nipped in the bud.

I would suggest that you go to family counseling.Depression in a child this young is alarming and has to be addressed.

If he refuses I think you should go with your daughter.

What she may not reveal to a family member she may reveal to a stranger.
Although at her tender age she may not be able to comprehend the feelings or articulate them or where they are coming from, a skilled counselor will know how to help her express it.

Hopefully from that she will learn it is OK to say no and it is OK to have an opinion.

Daddy seems to leave people quite readily and I can only assume she feels she may be the next one to get crossed off his list.

I think you need the help of a skilled family counselor.
Best of luck.

[N0help4u]

How much of this do you ask her about or sit and discuss it with her?

[zippit]

I'm the mental-midget on the block but I would like to put my two cents in.
I think you'r daughter is needing lots of structure and security.
talking to her about why you and her father had to part ways without knocking him and showing how much stronger <i hope> that you'r new marriage is will help.
going out on a limb I suspect you'r daughters relationship isn't very strong with your new husband? If I'm right building on that relationship could help.
I don't see how you can nip in the bud anything that comes out of you'r ex's mouth
in my experiences every kid has a de-program or you could say a re-program they go through when they go from one parent to the other so some of the issue is normal.
cant say the "i want to die"is though.
that's troubling,even if it's the fad right now
if you'r a christian I would move towards some enlightenment on the value of life etc..
OK good luck mom

[mommyjessemn]

When I try to talk to her she either starts to cry or she won't say anything and changes the subject. I don't want to push her to talk to me. I know she feels bad when she doesn't want to do what her dad wants. Like if it is his weekend and she wants to go to a friends birthday she will tell me to call and ask her dad if she can go to the birthday party. She will stand by me when I am talking to him and if there is any sign that he is upset or doesn't want her to go then she will say she doesn't want to go. Like she is afraid to upset him.

I left her dad because he was abusive, mostly verbally and emotionally but he was also physical too. He also threatened me with a gun three times but I never reported it. He did get locked up in a hospital once for telling an EMT that he was abusive to me. He was in the mental ward for 72 hours. Then the hospital called me to come and pick him up. He got a lot of counseling and seems much better now. That was 7 to 9 years ago. That is why I am so worried. I know he would never hit her but I don't think he understands how the things he says effect her. I don't know how to tell her why I left her dad without saying anything bad about him. I don't want her to hate him. I think it is better that she just thinks we used to fight a lot so that is why were not together.

You are right, she doesn't get along with her stepdad. I think that is something her birth dad did. He yelled at her one day for calling her stepdad "dad" when I was only dating her stepdad so now she hates her stepdad. Her real dad always say "I am your only dad" He has tried to do things with her and she will be so happy and then she starts to hate him again when she gets back from her real dads house. It is really hard on us. Her real dad says he doesn't say anything bad about us and doesn't talk about us at all but I find that really hard to believe. She is so different when she comes back.

We are christens and she has a strong faith but she doesn't seem to understand the meaning of "I wish I was dead" I try to tell her but she is only 7 so the understanding that death is not something you can undo doesn't seem to reach her.

[Wondergirl]

As has been indicated in several posts, you may not be the best person to "draw her out." Have you thought much about the counseling idea? -- you and her or just her or some combination with dad or stepdad?

[N0help4u]

There may be something that is causing her fear but if you can't get through to her to tell you I don't know what you can do.
Getting her counseling to find out what is wrong might be the answer.
Did you try telling her you want to help her with her problems and you are on her side and you can't do anything to help if she isn't willing to tell you what's wrong. Reassure her that she can and should tell you anything.

If he is being abusive to her she may feel she has to put up with it and has no options.
He could be intimidating her in some way.

[zippit]

. She will stand by me when I am talking to him and if there is any sign that he is upset or doesnt want her to go then she will say she doesnt want to go. Like she is afraid to upset him.



.

I understand that the quote was a one time deal.
If that ever comes up again or anything like it and I expect some flake here

To me a 7 yr. old is old enough to handle certain conversations on her own with

Her dad,now you put more on the table talking about his past I'm assuming he's

All in all a all right guy.

She sounds very emotional,and I I'm convinced now that what the others have suggested

As far as counsel is needed.

[N0help4u]

What ever you do do not talk negative about him because it will make her feel bad like she has to play favorites and that can emotionally confuse her,

[artlady]

It is very easy to manipulate a child without actually saying things to her outright.He is manipulating her,from this vantage point that is what I see.

Or the fear that he will reject her as he seems to do with his female friends.

His history is that he was abusive and abusers are expert manipulators.

If he is better,his relationships with women do not seem to indicate that ,if he jumps from one to another.

I think family therapy is a necessity.

I realize money is tight these days but most mental health facilities have a sliding fee scale based on income.

I do not think she is going to express what she is feeling because at her tender age she just simply cannot grasp some of her emotions.

He may also have told her not to ever tell you such and such and her fear is keeping her from talking about it

You need to handle this now before any emotional damage is done.We are talking about emotional manipulation of a small and fragile mind and that can have long lasting repercussions.

I would make that appointment ASAP.
Best of luck.