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COCADA · Jul 8, 2009, 02:35 PM

I really wish I should have seen this forum before doing all the BIG frekin mess I did when my ex broke up with me over the phone after more than a year together . When he broke up with me I was OK the first week, after that I started tripping out BAD, I was so hurt , I lost total control of my feelings, I sent him HATE texts every weekend for over 4 months, telling him exactly how I felt, and what I thought about him, I disrespected him horribly, I told him that I felt like he never loved me, that everything was a lie all the " I love you" all the "I'll keep you forever" and "I will never hurt you" , I told him that he was a fake for telling me all that, I told him that I hated him, that he was a jerk, and that he was a player because he played with my feeling throughout the whole relationship. I was emotionally destroyed by the break up, I was a wreck.

OMG, I was horrible and mean, and every time I sent him a hate text I would cry like a baby after, I was in so much anger and pain. But I kept doing and doing it, hurting myself even more, without thinking that I was hurting him too by telling him all that, he was very respectful through out the whole texting, he never said a bad word to me, and ke kept saying that he loved me and that he always will, for some reason that made me even madder and more upset, because I thought that he was still lying to me.

Maybe he wasn't lying, but I just couldn't understand whey he kept saying that to me and didn't want to be with me, I know you can't force someone into being with you, but why do he kept saying that he loved me ? He said that he loved me very much but it wasn't the right time to be together, that he had to concentrate on school, not on me. I always supported him on his studies, I loved that he studied and wanted to be successful and I loved sharing that with him, while I was In school to. He broke up with me so out of the blue. I regret so much sending him all those messages, when at the same time I wanted to be with him again so bad, but I knew I couldn't work anymore, the damage was already done, He hurt me by breaking up with me and I hurt him by losing control over my feelings with all those hate texts.

I'ts been a month since I stop all that, but I sometimes still beat myself up by thinking " I should have been stronger", " I should have respected him and his decision" , " I should have le go of my pain some other way". Now I know is all lost, and It all ended up so dramatic, but I have to deal with it and move on, I just want to stop beating myself up for that.
Should I tell him I am sorry for what I did, for what I told him and for not leaving him alone for such a long time? I don't want things to ens like between us, sometimes I just can't sleep thinking on how mean I was to him, I was very hurt when I told him all of these things but I regret it so bad, maybe he doesn't care about it at all but I feel horrible for everything that I told him . Please someone tell me what to do. I really need some advice, I am desperate , don't know what to do.

MsMewiththat · Jul 8, 2009, 02:42 PM

Apologize and forgive yourself. Explain that you were venting and that your sorry. Try to live the rest of your life in better control and with no more regrets. <---- meaning think things through before you act. Become active not reactive.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 8, 2009, 04:41 PM

Along with the other advices you've been given in the nc thread... move on... that's the only thing you CAN do. Perhaps at a later time, you can apologize, mend things, perhaps even start a friendship, but right now, you two need time apart to heal on your own.

Best of luck, keep your head up.

COCADA · Jul 8, 2009, 07:37 PM

I really want to move on, I'm just get upset for what I did and hoe it all ended, I know there is nothing I can do about it now. What done its done, and I won't make the same mistakes as the ones I made with this break up. I wanted him to remember me as the sweet girlfriend she had, but by being stupid and not knowing how to deal with my pain now he will think about me with resentment, that sucks.

redhed35 · Jul 9, 2009, 10:08 AM

Hey,how are you today?

What's done is done,you can't change the past,and you can't go back.
Its seems to me that he understood you were very hurt and that's where all the angry,mean texts were coming from.
He said he still loved you. That's probably the truth,since he did not respond to the nasty messages.
HE made a decision to end your relationship,that decision,that you had no control over 'destroyed' you.
Now that you realise what you have done,and your sorry for the way you behaved,but also know it was done out of hurt,and you were not yourself.the self that he knew and loved.
Its time for you now to make a decision on your life.. to continue and build on what you have learned,or continue to suffer.
Forgive yourself.
You were hurt and lashed out.
Leave him alone.no more texts.
Start loving you,and taking care of your broken heart.

jolienoire · Jul 9, 2009, 11:03 AM

You are not the first person to react like that and you won't be the last.

Sometimes, we let our emotions get the best of us and lash out and say things we really don't mean.

I'm pretty sure he understands you were hurt when sending those messages.

But don't break your NC just yet, you're still too emotional right now to contact him.

Let some time pass by, and then see how you feel at that point.

You can apologize some other time, but forgive yourself first.

You were unconsciously angry at him, because you felt he tried to hurt you.

Now stop feeling bad, because you are hurting yourself.

Again heal yourself first, then worry about fixing the wrong later. Because that unconscious anger can come out again if you apologize to him now and he doesn't give you the reaction you were looking for.

COCADA · Jul 9, 2009, 11:19 AM

redhed35,

Thank you so much for your wise words. He was my first true love. When I was venting that wasn't the real me, the real me was covered by horrible negative feelings, I've been digging myself out form that junk now.

It really does sucks that I didn't tell him how sorry I am for venting with him like that, I was just in so much pain. : ( aww, feel like crying right now. Today is my birthday and I'm hoping to get something form him, but I probably won't, he probably resents our relationship now.

I was also really hurt that he broke up with me over the phone, It hurt me that he didn't do it face to face, I really do think that would have let me less hurt, because that shows that he cared for what we had together, but I think he really cared otherwise he would have never be that kind during the whole texting MESS.

It has been really hard to forgive myself for what I did, But this lesson will help for my future relationship, I will control my feelings better.

redhed35 · Jul 9, 2009, 11:33 AM

Happy birthday.

A lot of people find it difficult to break up with someone face to face.. they know its going to hurt.

There is a really good thread here about how to cope with a breakup,ill try and find it and post it here for you.

Crying is good,your grieving for the end of the relationship..

Hopefully the angry part is over for you now,and you can accept the relationship is over.
You have learned something about yourself,and also you can admit you were wrong to send the nasty messages... thats good.

You now have a story to tell and help other people...

Its up to you how your road to healing ends.

COCADA · Jul 9, 2009, 01:18 PM

Redhead,

I guess the angry part is over, latetly I haven't been feeling angry, just sadness and regret for what I did. Honestly, I still miss having him in my life, I miss his friendship.

I have learned a lot with all of these, and going through here and reading similar experiences makes me feel so much better, every advice in here is so honest and true. I am really helpful for taking soe of your time to help pass this rough patch : )

COCADA · Jul 9, 2009, 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by jolienoire

Again heal yourself first, then worry about fixing the wrong later. Because that unconscious anger can come out again if you apologize to him now and he doesn't give you the reaction you were looking for.

Hi Jolie,
You are so dead on about the unconscious anger, I never thought about it that way, actually I apologized to him a couple of times after sending him a hateful text, but after a few days my unconscious anger came out again, and I would sent him another bad text, I was too emotional, and no healed at all, still am. My mind was just so blurred by sadness and anger, and every time I had a rage wave I sent him a text to vent, and right after I felt like sh**, and the thing that beats me the most is that I kept doing it and doing it. I was hurting myself even more than when he hurt me.

kctiger · Jul 9, 2009, 01:33 PM

People are going to come and go throughout your life. Some pleasant, some not, but in the end it's how we deal and cope with the gains and losses of life that defines us. Take the good with the bad, learn and move on a better person. That's all that can be expected of yourself.

Nucklehead22 · Jul 9, 2009, 05:20 PM

It's normal to be mad and upset, don't worry about it. It's good that you realize you were maybe too mean to him, but don't feel that guilty. Coming from someone who was the one that got dumped/cheated on, it's best to let it go. I yelled at her too, and it made it even worse. Eventually I forgot about it, but now she's the one yelling at me for no reason.. so yeah.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better.

talaniman · Jul 9, 2009, 09:11 PM

I think as you give yourself time to heal, you will know what you need to do. It will take some time so be patient with yourself.

COCADA · Jul 10, 2009, 09:57 AM

I was checking pics form a mutual friend on face and all of a sudden I saw a pic of my ex with him and some girls. I kind of freaked out, I had to delete that mutual friend form my fb, I don't want to see anymore pics of him again, I know I am not very strong, and If had kept that mutual friend as my fb friend I would have gone back to check if he had any new pics with my ex. . I already got read of every single thing related to him, except my memories with him, you can't get read of those, sometimes I wish I could, just like 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'.

talaniman · Jul 10, 2009, 10:19 AM

You need something to do that makes YOU happy. Get busy and find it!

COCADA · Jul 10, 2009, 10:49 AM

Tal, I know what you mean, I wan to be the happy girl that I was when I was single, I know I'll get there, I'll keep NC, till I stop thinking a about him for good.

Elousia · Jul 10, 2009, 08:25 PM

Cocada,

You are doing so good. Just by reading everything u wrote up to this point, I have to say the fact that you are sorry for your actions that you made while you were hurt, shows your true colors. What would be wrong is that you aren't sorry after doing what you did.

Your true colors are perfect and you are truly going to make a great wife to a man one day. With your true colors now in check, you need to smile and love life now. I'm honored to meet you and to have crossed paths with you as I am everybody in this forum and this universe(even the ex).

57373 · Jul 11, 2009, 10:37 PM

Don't beat yourself up over this.

For awhile I blamed myself as well,because my ex said my 'freaking out behavior' pushed her away.

We both have to realize,whether it was wrong or right,we freaked out for a reason.

I know I'm not crazy and I assume you aren't either

We were both really hurt and had fustration about the unanswered questions.

Meanwhile our exes (at least mine) had someone on the side.

We are human,we say things we don't mean.

On the bright side at least one of those things wasn't "I love you"

COCADA · Jul 13, 2009, 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by Elousia

Cocada,

You are doing so good. Just by reading everything u wrote up to this point, I have to say the fact that you are sorry for your actions that you made while you were hurt, shows your true colors. What would be wrong is that you aren't sorry after doing what you did.

Your true colors are perfect and you are truly going to make a great wife to a man one day. With your true colors now in check, you need to smile and love life now. I'm honored to meet you and to have crossed paths with you as I am everybody in this forum and this universe(even the ex).

Hi elousia, Thanks for your kind words

COCADA · Jul 13, 2009, 10:47 AM

I broke NC, I don't feel like , but I know I screwed up. I sent him a text about something that reminded me of him, he answered, as he always does. Dang.. why is it so hard to let go. I need to be strong. It really is like a drug, I need to detox myself from him.