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Kristi0772 · Oct 20, 2006, 12:49 AM

Can anybody please tell me what I need to do with my 11 yr old son... I am single mother of 3 kids ages 15 and 11 and 21 months old... My son is very defiant and aggressive and disrespectful.. He is ADHD and has been on Adderall XR since he was 4 yrs old... He has not had a father figure in his life like he should have had.. His dad has not been a big part of his life or very responsible as far has being there for his son like my son has needed.. He has been in and out of his life for very short periods and made promises he never kept to him... And his dad is an alcoholic and been involved in drugs and I guess it may be better that way that he's not a big part of his life except for the fact that my son loves him deep down inside and is hurt and really wishes his dad was here for him and around and was able to do things with him that other kids do with there dads... He wants that so badly... My son is a PreAP/GT student in school and does very well with his grades... The teachers seem to think he is a great kid and has A lot of potential.. I have been told that he is very bright and artistic since he was in kindergarten... Sometimes I feel its all my fault and I feel guilty for a lot of things that have gone wrong in his life... Me and my son have always been close since he was baby.. He was always my baby.. Some people think that it could be a lot of underlying problems and one of them being that he is jealous of his liitle brother who is now 21 months old... I don't know... I just think it could be a lot of things and I don't where to start or begin to look or find out... I just want to know what's wrong with him.. He won't talk to me except about things that go wrong at school as far as kids picking on him and calling him names... Can someone please tell me what to do... I have had the police out here to our home for him hitting me and biting me and throwing things and cussing at me and calling me names... He has also been in trouble for stealing and lying... And he has never done this until the last year or so that I know of... They have said that if they keep coming back and they see marks on me or he's out of control then they are going to take him and put him Juvenile detention and then later he may have to go to boot camp or TYC.. they told him they don't want to have to do that to him... I don't know what to do... Because he still is my baby and I don't want him to go through that.. My family thinks that I need to do something before someone gets hurt.. But I can't find it in my heart to have him sent off or put somewhere... I see myself making excuses for him a lot and I don't understand why I do that... I know I am not perfect.. I am a mother who has made plenty of mistakes in my life and I just try and move on and hope that I have learned from them... But I am only human and there is only so much of this I can take and I feel so overwhelmed with all this.. SOmetimes I feel like crawling in a corner and not coming out... Im tired of feeling this way and being miserable in my own home and being told what to do by my own child... Its tearing my family apart and my 21 month old is starting to act out because he sees the arguiing and fighting... I don't want my baby to follow in his brothers foot steps and treat me the same way cause he sees it and thinks its OK... Everythime I try and set down ground rules or demand respect it seems he just gets even worse.. I can't discipline him because he just goes into a rage and kicks me and hits and bites me... I have tried and I don't know what to do witout getting in a confrontation... Nothing ever seems to change.. One day he will be fine and loving and caring and we get along fine and the next minute you make him mad he is a totally different child calling me all kinds of HORRIBLE names and tells me he wants to kill me (althought I know its just his anger talking and I don't think he really means it)... My son is a really great kid with a big heart... WHAT WENT WRONG? WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!

ImWho · Oct 20, 2006, 01:24 AM

He won't talk to me except about things that go wrong at school as far as kids picking on him and calling him names...

As a mother, and a child that was picked on... That alone is enough to fuel his problem(s).

I have had the police out here to our home for him hitting me and biting me and throwing things and cussing at me and calling me names
I really hope you don't justify these actions he's tossing out. That is wrong, no matter how old or how young.
I see myself making excuses for him alot and I dont understand why I do that...
I think it's just justifying his actions. You know they aren't right, but not sure what to do.
From an outside view point it seems to me he KNOWS you don't want confrontation, and maybe you let him "slide" on a few rules?
If he has acted on actually hitting you, and the rages he has to the point you need to call the police, you REALLY should take his threats to kill you serious. Kids today do deal with a different kind of peer pressure than we did. And it changes daily.
I think you should consider letting him spend a short period in a juvenile center - while you are able to make the choice, you stated 'they' are near admitting him to even a boot camp - Give him a taste of where's he's headed. It won't mean you don't love him. It means you're trying to save him, and yourself.
Spare your sanity dear, while YOU can make the choice and oversee to an extent how he's doing. Don't let it go so far that the court chooses for both of you.
Just my two cents worth. Best of wishes.

talaniman · Oct 20, 2006, 01:42 AM

I don't know where you live but contact a good therapist and put him in counseling. I see so many children on meds nowadays and really think this is a stop gap measure that does not deal with the underlying problems. He needs more help and attention than you can give so a good counselor may be able to get to his issues and adjust his meds.

Sentra · Oct 24, 2006, 02:46 PM

Meds are not a replacement for a quick fix to intelligence, behavior or discipline. Be mom, encourage the sweet little boy you see in him.

newaukumdon · Nov 25, 2006, 08:46 PM

Putting him in juvenile opens a can of worms that goes on forever. Pick the battles you can win for now and slowly firm up your resolution. The problem did not start overnight and will not go away overnight. But NEVER give up he is yours and you have a responsibility. If you suspect something follow your suspicions it is going to get tough but hang in there and DO NOT QUIT. Remenmber no matter what when this is over he will love you (even if he says other)