[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi all,
I just needed to post today because my Nan has died. It's just a time when I would normally have my ex on hand having know him for 23 years, being familiar with each others families.

I've maintained no contact for around 3 months and it's been the best thing I've ever done to promote healing, so I'll not be letting myself down. You've all been so supportive that this is the best alternative to breaking the 'no contact' rule that has helped me so much.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, my deepest condolences.

I think you would definitely be doing the right thing by not breaking the progress yhou have made so far, as hard as it may be.

Take Care.

[Skell]

So sorry for your loss Kay.

I went through the same thing just a couple of weeks ago.

And it is hard yes. The person you have always had as your support is not there and it opens up a whole lot of emotions.

But trust me when I say it is a huge stepping stone and lesson for you.

Sadly a tragedy like this and the resulting hardship that one goes through will teach you some wonderful lessons about yourself.

I know it did me. I thought I needed my ex to get through it, to cry to, to hold. Well I didn't have her and I got through it and I feel so much stronger for the experience.

It is so sad that we have to lose a loved one in order to learn such a lesson but please stay strong and realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[kay13]

Thank you all for your kind words.

Geoff, I know I cannot break my progress, it would crucify me to give in now, I think also it would give him much satisfaction.

Skell, hard is an understatement, grief makes you needier somehow, wanting to reach out to the person who means most to me but knowing I can't. I am sure I will get through this without him, I've done lots without him so it's just one more thing to add to a long list.
I promise you I'll stay strong, and hope I soon see that light at the end of the tunnel.

[K_3]

I am sorry for your loss. You have plenty of other support other than your X.

[kay13]

I do have lots of support from family and friends, that's very true.

Someone at work asked me today if my ex was coming to the funeral. I replied that as far as I know he didn't even know that my Nan has passed away.
She said that I was taking the cowards way out by having no contact with him, and that eventually because we had children together I would have to face him.

She didn't say it spitefully, and I did explain that maybe if I did ever have to face him again it wouldn't matter to me any more, but it has made me question whether I am a coward?

[inChrist]

You made a choice 10 years ago. Look at you daughter and decide for yourself if you made the right choice. I promise you, you did. Now take that choice with you and move on. I had a realationship out of wedlock and raised my daughter myself. My girlfriend at the time would not stop seeing other guys. I moved away and got on with my life. I am sure she regrets the choice she made, but that is no diffrence to me now. I have a beautiful loving wife who loves all of our children. That will happen to you with another if you would move on.

[kay13]

Thanks inChrist, I know I made the right decision, even in my darkest hour. I hope my future is brighter.

[kay13]

I have a date tonight. Thing is, it's been on my mind all day - or to be honest my ex hubby has been on my mind all day, and I'm not sure if it's connected to the fact that I have this date. I know he's a complete jerk and he's abandoned our family without a glance back so I don't know why I feel this way. Even though I would like answers from him I know I'm not going to get them because lying is second nature to him. This man is the only man I've ever slept with, the man I thought would be with me for life. Maybe I'm just not ready to date yet, but that's scary too!

[inChrist]

He is on your mind, you are not on his... he is controlling you, and you are allowing it to proceed.

Go out on your date, Don't TALK ABOUT EX at all... if the subject comes up in conversation initiated by your date, keep it short and change the subject. If all goes well you will have plenty of time in the future to say whatever you need to. The first second third date with the same person is not the time. If things look like they are going somewhere then its time to let the new BF know. Keep high morals and expect the same of your date.

[ordinaryguy]

Is the date with somebody you've known for awhile, or a new acquaintance? It's good that you're broadening your range, but be cautious and go slow. You're in the early stages of grief--generally not a good time to start a brand new relationship, especially when you're still spending so much emotional energy on your ex. I'm not saying don't do it, just be extra careful, especially if you don't have a long-term friendship with this person, OK? Just a thought. I could be wrong--have been before.

[talaniman]

Hey Kay, your going on a date, not getting married. Have FUN. Be home before the street lights come on!! (lol, couldn't resist, SORRY)

[kay13]

Thanks for your replies; inChrist - yes I'm again allowing him to control me, thanks for pointing that out, it sure sobers me up!

Ordinary guy - I've know him a very long time and he's aware of what we've been through as a family so there will be no mention of the ex. I know he has deep feeling for me and I just don't want to let him down.

Tal- you're right, it's only a date! And I'm usually in bed before the street lights come on - hope I don't turn into a pumpkin!

[kay13]

Has anyone ever had one of those moment of clarity when you realise that no matter how much you may want to be back withyour ex, you know for certain that you're better off apart?

Today when he dropped our daughter back at my moms, mom told him about my nan passing away and his answer was 'she was hanging on a bit too long' - it so upset my mom, how insensitive can you get. He then added a parting shot 'tell Kay that Meg (our daughter) needs some new trainers, these are disgusting.' What a lovely person.

[talaniman]

Wait until you get to the point where you wonder what the attraction was in the first place. When you slap yourself, don't have anything in your hand.:D

[kay13]

Hi all, happy 2007! Hope Christmas and new year was as lovely as possible for all of you.

I had a better time than I expected but there have been a few developments.

My son, who as you know hasn't spoken to his Dad in over 3 years, informed me yesterday that he has applied to change his surname to my maiden name. I'm not really surprised and it's his free choice, I just think it's sad. I also think my ex's family will do their usual thing and blame me.

My ex sister-in-law has called me to say that my ex mother-in-law is suffering from depression due to my son not wanting to see her. Firstly, this lady also abandoned me when I was pregnant with my daughter and hasn't spoken to me since and secondly there is little I can do to help considering my son has a very strong mind of his own.
His Dad wrote him a short note at Christmas saying that he was sorry mistakes had been made. My son's reaction was to say it wasn't about their relationship anymore, but about how he'd seen me treated. That made me feel quite proud.

Last but not least I've always had to fight to get any annual raise in child maintenance from the ex, but have noticed that now that we have no contact he has automatically paid more this month.

I don't know what to make of all these developments - I just hope the last one isn't a ploy to get me to contact him because that is something I cannot face.

[pegsue42]

Happy New Year! I'm sorry about you lost your Nan... that's a tough part of life.
Now, don't get me wrong here, and I don't mean to sound harsh... but, hey... you got to get over your ex! He's dissed you in so many ways! OMGosh, it's just sad to think of how he has treated you from the get go! You have to wipe him out of your life, and move on. The longer you hang onto dreams, and thoughts, and all the crap that he dished out to you, the longer you're going to be controlled by him. If he pays you support, atta boy to him. Use that money for raising your children, and don't worry about your ex. Life is too short. Just move on, get on with it, and get over him!
Take care girl!

[mkelly21]

If it were me, I wouldn't even let him see the child that he never wanted.
Sounds like to me that he was having an affair and looking for
A way out and that is probably why he freaked out about the pregnancy in
The first place. I know it hurts to loose someone you love so much, but you
Will evidentually get over it and be happy again!

[kay13]

Hello, thanks for your comments. Pegsue, yes time to move on. So what if he's upped the payments? I'll take the money and run, as you say for me to keeping thinking about it is for him to still have control, and he's not worth that.
Mkelly, I wish he didn't have to see my daughter, life would be easier. It's ironic that he didn't want her yet she's the only child he has now. My son is over the moon with his new name, it's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders - he has taught me a lot.

As they say, what goes around comes around. A life without my son would not be a happy one.

[wap]

You have come far Kay, keep strong : )

[kay13]

Thanks Wap, I think I have too - all thanks to you and the great people on AMHD. You're doing great too, keep strong. X