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Well the doc said all is OK. We achieved it, but she said she does not like it at all. Stressed for nothing, but at least I feel better now. Thx for all the input everyone. |
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Hi again. This is the start. It happened to us too, surprise surprise - maybe we should become a case study! It's simply because she does not need your every particle to care about her, just to stay alive anymore. So, you do not give it. It's not conscious - just something that happens. Before, you cared about her because a) you saw in her someone wonderful, and b) because she needed it.
Next step: break apart, reset the batteries, and meet up and care because she's fantastic and because you want to. She will do the same for you (part of the problem now is her not caring for you so much because you've backed off - and for good reason see my post on other thread). There you have a perfect start to a relationship: you've been through the darkest, and know you could do again if it came to it. I wish you all the very best. Oh and about sex, that's exactly it - sex leads to lacking conversations because you've forgotten how to talk (that much sex does anyway)! This problem was with my 1st partner (of 2). Dude... This is getting scary. Are we connected? |
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Should I forget about sex?
Hi.
My Fiancé confessed to me she does not really enjoy sex. Apperently it is because of how many partners she had, and bad mistakes she made in her past. Once in a blue moon I can see her drifting off during the act. I stop and then ask her what is going on. Then it is the usual that she is getting flash backs from old relationships etc. and she has to keep reminding herself that she is with me etc. But this does not happen on every occacion. Like I said, only once in a blue moon. But still it hurts me to see this happen. She also confessed she has a very low sex drive and I am starting to notice. The usual confusion is attached, having sex 3 times a day and now once a week if I am lucky. Unfortunetly I have a high sex drive so I resort to masturbation when needed as to not put pressure on her. What's even more irritating is the fact that she always sms's me during the day telling me how bad she wants me right now, and by the time she gets home she is so tired it is eat shower and sleep time. I am starting to give up. I feel like a failure. She wants to go see a counceler and I would like that as well, but we cannot afford it at this point in time. So what do you think. What possible solutions are there for this predicament. |
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She is definately sending out mixed messages. She's hot and cold. She really needs to get into some therapy. If she doesn't like sex, that's one thing, but I sense it might be something more. Ask her to go to her doctor about the "low sex drive" and make sure there is nothing wrong medically, and then, maybe some therapy. I hope this works for you, because a marriage without sex is often not the best marriage to be in. |
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She needs to see a Dr... and a counselor.
If she really doesn't enjoy it then why is she constantly teasing you about it? I'd lay odds if you ever got married you would be constantly fighting over sex, because once she has the ring on her finger she is likely to demand celibacy... not an uncommon tactic certain women use to get what they want then say, too bad, shops closed for business. Don't like it tough? If you want peace of mind... I'd move on... or expect to get a lot more of the same out of her. She may have issues she will never get over. |
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 Originally Posted by smoothy
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We kind of had a small fight about sex last night. The weekend we went away to the bush. During the weekend we made sexy time, it looked like she was reaching climax then she demanded I stop. So I did regardless being right there. Later that day she wanted to do it again. Same thing. She said I should stop and I did. She then pulled me back inside of her and said "hurry up" I felt offended and put my clothes back on told her that was wrong in so many ways. She cried etc. and tried to talk. I wasn't in the mood. So I left and went to make a fire and have a beer. So there I was, making love twice and both times just before I reach climax I am demanded to stop. We almost tried again but she said she is too sensitive now and it hurts. So last night I told her how frustrated I am, and she wanted to give me oral. I objected and told her it's nonsense simply because I do not need a sympathy relief. Either she wants me, or she doesn't. Its not a chore to be done around the house. At least now I have fuel to say no. I simply cannot tell anymore if we are having sex because she wants to, or because she feels its an obligation. So I guess I will be forgetting about sex. Sigh |
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OK. I tend to post in the heat of the moment. Steve, that might be a joke or not but just for the record. No matter how frustrated I get, I will never cheat. Its against my being. My strategy. Forget about sex completely. Not going to mention it, hint or touch her body in any place that might give her the idea that I want sex. Instead I will use this time to work on other aspects of our relationship. I will keep this up for 2 - 4 weeks. If by that time she is still not interested in sex. Well then I will reconsider my strategy. |
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Well I'm no expert but it sounds to me like you should try making love instead of just having sex, sounds like she needs to be handled gently let her know you how you feel w/ actions instead of words. This could be a lot of work, if your not willing to do everything it takes then you'd be better off moving on, but I believe, w/ enouf patience and work you can work through this.
If you love this girl then you should give it your all, always tell her how beautuful she is and try to make her feel a comfortable as you can. Stick w/ it till you've tried your best, don't feel discouraged if it doesn't work, I don't know the person your inquiring about but if nothing works she may be unfaithfull to you, and if that's the case maby she will see how hard you are trying and maby just maby change her ways, good luck hope you find what your looking for.. . |
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Originally Posted by LJDK
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Fully agree. Sex is an important part, hence my frustrations with the current situation. What makes me wonder though is we have been going through a tough patch of sorts... and I never once accused her of being unfaithful. We talked and I did not want to tell her what is bothering me. She then said she has never cheated on me, which is strange considering I never accused her or hinted towards it. |
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Originally Posted by LJDK
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Perhaps. But I will never know. I did confront her about it, she just said she said it because all her previous boyfriends accused her of this. |
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Get her into counseling... if she refuses to go or insists she has NO problem... I'd lay it on the line, she goes or you leave for good. Gives the chance for redemption, if she really cares she will make the attempt, and if she won't go... you have a clear answer that she doesn't give a damn. |
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Sex, is but one of the problems in this relationship, and only a symptom of a bigger problem, as there are many issues that needs to be addressed by you both.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...up-378843.html https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ex-380710.html That's really why threads are merged, for more information, and less confusion, as facts, as much as you can give, are valuable when seeking input, and advice. May not seem like it, but all these issues your having are related to a bigger picture. |
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Originally Posted by smoothy
... It seems as if she is stuck on something in the past about her "old boyfriends or past experiences" everything is related to that. As a female I can understand how she relates everything to them considering when you go through something bad or it doesn't end well you seem to think that is just how it always goes... Some how it needs to be proven that you are different as of now she is not allowing you to show that sexually she wants something else may it be mentally or emotionally who knows... she might not even realize that... If you love her and really want to make things work out you will find means of doing so. It's not always easy and it's not always right away. From the reading though it seems as if she does want sex but then freaks out pulls away... For some people it is hard to get over the past which ends up ruining good healthy relationships. Since you can't afford counceling currently I would work on communication with her so then maybe one day when you can afford it you can both go and see if you can get through this... I wish you both the best of luck believe me I know that situations like this are hard. Kagan~ (sorry for the ramble) |
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Originally Posted by Kagan88
Personally... lifes too short to have to deal with it. What happens if it takes years to get the money... what if she refuses to go at that point... in the mean time she makes no effort herself to improve the situation, and his life is horrible. What if it takes years more to even start to see any results... IF there are results? What if nothing ever gets better... you've wasted a good portion of your life. Yeah that might come across as cold hearted... but I believe people are who they are... and there are all sorts, you should find someone like you and not waste years trying to change someone who isn't into someone that is... it rarely works. |
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I did consider it at one stage but then thought sex is just sex and I need to forget about it. We did have great sex last night... which kind of convinces me there is hope. Although I doubt I would want sex with her any time soon. She reached climax pretty quickly last night. We stopped and I was smoking when she asked if I finished. I said no, but its OK. I have a hard time saying no stop when she is pulling me into her. So we went at it again, but she pulled her face as if in pain. I stopped and asked is going, why is she pulling her face... but she ignored me and continued and well I did the only thing that was left to be done. Finish. So now I feel pretty bad and I'm not sure what is going on with her atm. I did ask her about the face pulling thing again, but she said it was a little sore but pleasureable at the same time. This disturbs me. Guess I will avoid sex for a while. Don't think it was normal what happened last night and I kind of feel like I hurt her in some way. The bad thing is, if I insist on stopping the act when I see that expression she gets upset and feels she cannot satisfy me. If I continue I feel lousy. Sigh. |
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Don't let her expressions make you feel bad as its no secret that pain and pleasure often register the same. Its her actions you deal with, which say she enjoyed it.
but she said it was a little sore but pleasurable at the same time.
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I'm wondering if she meant for you to stop doing a specific thing, not stop altogether? That would make sense. In any case, you two have some serious communication problems. If you aren't even able to talk about how much pain she was feeling or if that's a big deal to her, you aren't communicating. Also, if she's too sore for sex after two times, then you should be gentler and also maybe she has a mild yeast infection or something that's making her sore. (That does NOT mean she was unfaithful!) Start by really listening to her and not jumping in with your own reactions. It sounds like this whole thing is becoming AN ISSUE and you are both getting defensive. You should start by promising yourself not to get defensive when you talk to her. And each time you talk, really listen, ask questions until you feel like you understand what she is saying. Say back to her what you think she said, from her perspective. One conversation won't do it. But over time, she'll start to trust that you are really listening. The impression I'm getting is that you think you can sort of read her mind and figure this whole thing out without much input from her. Lastly, it's perfectly possible for a woman to want sex at 10 am at work but be wiped out by 10 pm. It's happened to me! I'd ask myself why work is so stressful and how she can relax, not assume right away that she was being manipulative. |
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