[BIM]

OK. I have an 18 yr.old step son. He is a senior, has only 2 classes this semester, is getting an 81% and a 89% in them.

My problem is, he is unemployed and has NO ambition what-so-ever. My husband, his dad, works nights so he is not around to see all of this and does not inquire about anything. It is like he just doesn't care. This drives me crazy. I feel an 18 yr old should be working!! Learning how to get ready for the big world out there...

I'm lost. My husband complains about having to give him money all the time for gas, food, etc... but does it anyway. My husband tells him that since he is not working that the car goes to and from school only, for gas purposes. Well the stepson disregards any rules he is given AND does not suffer any consequences. It's like he does what ever he wants and gets by with it. There is a rule about being on the phone for not more that 20 minutes at a time, he disregards that. There is a rule about being on the internet for no more than 30 minutes (because he's not doing homework) and he disregards that also.

I know I should just "wash my hands" of this problem and let whatever be, be. If my husband wants to just let him be like this, then what ever. But is eats on my last nerve. I come home from working all day and he is just sitting there, I have to tell him to shower, go feed the dog, so on and so forth.

It also makes it tough when my 9 yr old is getting disciplined by me and the 18 yr old justs does whatever.

I don't know how to just ignore this.

Also, another thing what are your opinions on his mother calling every single night? I have a rule about no calls after 9:00 and she proceeds to call at 9:30 all the time. I try to talk to my husband about this and he says "You know how she is--you can't fight with her". I have tried unplugging the phone and my husband gets mad and says "I pay for that bill and I want it left plugged in"

I am so frusterated. Sometimes I think "am I overreacting?" Have I lost sight of things through my anger? What?

I cannot take this sort of laziness, and the lack of ambition... HELP!

[charlie123]

I would maybe try not to be so strict with him. I think the phone & internet rule is a little harsh. As long as he is doing good in school & is not into drugs or alcohol - you are quite lucky if his idea of rebellion is accepting a 9:30 phone call from his mom. I also think your husband should be the main disciplinarian. It sounds to me like this is more of problem between you and your husband.

If I were you - I would suggest you & your husband not give him any money. And after several months of not having any money to do anything - he will probably get a job.

Good Luck.

[BIM]

I am pretty sure part of this problem lies between my husband and I also.

I've told my husband not to give him money--but his comeback is "he needs to do something."

I don't know. I just would like to know how to not let this frustrate me. I feel like it is putting a wedge between my husband and I.

I hate the stepson's lack of motivation. You could take everything away from him and he would just sit in his room.

I am tired of being pissed about it.

[charlie123]

It's unfair for you - & I'm sorry that your going through this. I think your husband needs to step up & lay some ground rules. I think your stepson needs to be told that if he doesn't get a job then take everything away from him and let him sit in his room. He will be graduating soon - & unless he shows some ambition then I would make him get out. That sounds a little harsh - but he is acting as a roll model for your 9 year old. Your husband needs to step up & tell his son the rules for living in his home. All 3 of you should sit down & try to have a rational discussion. I know men can be hard to deal with sometimes - but maybe you should give some rules to your husband to stay married to you. It will all work out. I think this lack of ambition is a problem with today's generation.

[BIM]

I think you're right with the generation. I think they have had everything handed to them and they think it is owed to them.

It is interesting though that when my 9 yr old see's me getting frustrated with the 18 yr old he says "mommy, I'm not going to act like that. I am going to get a job when I'm 16."

Thanks for your thoughts.:)

[J_9]

BIM,

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I am sure it is really tough on you. A marriage with step-kids is always rough. I know you feel like the "bad guy", but you aren't.

I agree with Charlie that your husband needs to handle this. He is the father, you are just the one that married him. I am not sure about setting fround rules (ultimatums) about staying married, this usually backfires.

I too think that the phone and internet rules are a little harsh for his age. I would just not allow it until the homework is done. Then he can have all the time he wants.

As far
As the 9:30 phone call, it is his mother. If it were a friend that would be different. But this is the woman who gave birth to him, so she should be able to talk to him at any time. If you begin to cause a problem between him and his mother, then the father will chime in and you will then be the bad guy.

I have 2 sons by my previous marriage, they are 20 and 18. It has been the philosophy of me and my husband that I am the disciplinarian unless they are physically or verbally disrespectful to me our our youngest 2 children. Then their step-father takes over.

I do believe that the three of you need to sit down and have a serious discussion about everything that is going on. Lay down some ground rules. If the car is to be used only for going to and from school, then the keys need to be turned over when he gets home from school.

I will say that you are lucky in that he is getting good grades, not involved in the wrong crowd, not involoved in drugs or alcohol.

Things could be worse, couldn't they?:rolleyes:

[BIM]

Why am I feeling so pissy about the step son? What is the underlying problem? I do feel he needs a job and to quite being lazy. I had a job at 18. All he does is run around after school, no one knows where he is. He does this even though he is to be home with the car.

I guess the reason I have such resentment for his mother though is when my husband and I first started dating she called me a whore and my son a bastard child - therefore I don't like her very well. I also feel she controls MY family since the step son has moved in ( 2 yrs ago) She up a left for Texas and he wanted to stay here. There are so many stories about her that I could go on forever - but she feels she can still have her rules over ours, and my husband won't stand up to her.

I don't know, I wish I could just let things slide and not let them bother me.

Thanks J_9 for your thoughts also. :)

[J_9]

Oh, BIM, you are in a hard place. I understand. I think this is why many second marriages with kids still in the home tend to not work out.

You really need to sit down and talk with your husband. I know, this is easier said than done. But, you need to make a list of everything that is going on. Don't just talk to him out of the blue, make a plan, a strategy if you will. The step-son should be there also, but more or less to listen then to add any input at this point.

I am wondering if your step-son is resentful toward you for marrying his father. Remember that young children (and from what I read, he was young when you and your hubby got together) always think that their parents will get back together. They then are resentful toward the person who invaded their lives and the prospect of their "dream" of Mom and Dad reuniting. Yeah, I know Mom & Dad were not going to get back together, but that is not what the young mind believes.

I am wondering if he would be more helpful if you were more like a friend or confidant, if you will, than a disciplinarian. Let Dad do the discipline. Many, but not all, children respond to this much better than having the new step-parent be the parent.

If your husband cannot step up to his ex, can you? Will this cause any discord? You answer the phone when she calls, you tell her that this is your house also and that there are no phone calls past 9. You tell her to call tomorrow before 9.

[Fr_Chuck]

This is something you and your husband need to set down and talk about, don't let him say what ever, make him discuss it.

And we always had a strict rule in our house with step kids, don't matter, step mom is mom and she is as much the boss as anyone in her own house.

So you by not forcing your hubby to act, and not acting on it yourself,
What if you said NO, just don't let him do this or that.

Again my home saying, my way, in my house or the highway.

[wizzkid89]

Okay... I really really really want to add me input here. As the only spokesperson for the aforementioned "everything has been handed to us" generation, I feel it my duty to represent the teens of today. I would like to make at this time a side note although maybe inappropriate however I think it needs to be said, the generation that I live in has the highest suicide rate. Teens of my generation are killing themselves more than other generations in the past. Just last week, a junior at my school hung himself with shoe-laces, then his friends found him, they did get a heart beat but his brain is dead. I think that older generations, not unlike yourselves, really underestimate the "different world" that teens go through in today's culture. I can honestly make a case as to why our generation is tougher, but that is neither here nor there and meant for a different forum.

I rarely do this but I think it might give more credit to my advice if I explain a few things about myself:
My mom divorced my dad when I was 4( and yes at that age you DO know who your dad is and I am not going to explain the circumstances that led to the divorce)
I got a stepfather, who although is a good guy, is one of those people who is just not good with children, and it wasn't until just a few years ago did I start to get along with him. My relationship with my dad is nothing but pitiful, just this year I told him that I no longer want him in my life, that was around may(haven't talked to him since and I won't explain the reasons here either.)
I am in the same grade as your son.

Now for my advice:
As much as I would like to defend your son, I can't. Personally I think it is your house and you should set the rules. The telephone and internet things is rather ignorant, but again your house, but do take in that the majority of teens spend too much time on the internet, :). As for driving, I like the earlier advice about taking the keys away. I also think that you and your husband should sit down with him and not only talk about the problems at hand, but also about his future. Maybe if you show that you care about his future, it will make him see that you care about him. Apart of me sadly, and I am sure I am mistaken, but I think that you might not care all that much for your step-son. I think you hold a lot of resentment, and I don't want to say that you don't love him, and I know this is a harsh accusation, but the tone in your posts really give off a hostile view towards him. I think you would do better to learn how to cope with your son, then trying to change him. Again I would recommend sitting down and talking this out, but like anything it should be a give and take. For example, he can use the phone and internet for only a short period, unless for homework, in exchange for using his car after school. Or any combination of the two. The hole thing with his mom is honestly something you are going to have to let go. Anyway you bring this up or try to change it, will only make you look even more like the bad guy, and it's one of those coping things I was talking about.

I hope that your family can come to some kind of agreement, so you do not suffer so much from this. Once you come to an acceptable living situation for all parties, I think things will move much more smoothly. I wish you the best of luck, for you and your son.

[BIM]

First off thank all of you for your advice. I suppose I dwell too much on the internet and phone situation. My husband set those guidelines and he is never there to inforce them, so I have to.

I guess I feel my husband is so strict on my 9 yr old, and lets the 18 yr old do whatever. See my husband works until approx midnight Tuesday - Friday, and has off Sat - Mon. So I am the parent most of the evenings. My step son "tells" my husband if I do not enforce the rules on my 9 yr old but yet I'm the "bad guy" when I try and enforce the rules on the 18 yr old.

I know there is resentment towards the 18 yr old but I don't know how to come to grips with it. When I try to talk to my husband about what bother me, he goes to extreme and says things like "fine I'll have him go back to his mom" or "fine, no more phone or computer at all." So I don't like to talk to him about things because it turns into a huge fight rathe than a discussion.

It's a "dammed if I do and dammed if I don't" situation. I guess, my plan of action, is to wipe my hand of the computer and phone situation, and not worry about the car situation. If my husband is not there nor does not communicate with his son, then I cannot do a lot about it. I need to redirect my energy to my 9 yr old so that he does not take a wrong turn in his life.

For the record: I feel I do care about the 18 yr old and I worry where he is going to go, but I also feel at 18 you cannot change their behavior. I feel he was raised by his mother for so many years before he came into our household that he will probably follow in her footsteps. She is always unemployed, never finished high school, and moved almost every year so that he had to start a new school every year.

By-the-way: Wizzkidd, you're going to make a woman a wonderful husband some day. If you can have a thought process like this now--just think what a few more years of experience and maturity will do for you.

Thank you all again. I'll see where it goes from here.;) :rolleyes:

[charlie123]

I thought of one more thing that I wanted to say (Thanks to Wizzkidd) - maybe you could sit down with your stepson & try to talk about his future. Ask him what he is interested in - for instance if he likes music - maybe you two could visit a local radio station & ask what it takes to get into that. Or, if he likes animals - go to some veternarians, etc. You could maybe even talk to his guidance counselor. It sounds to me like you are the only stable person in his life right now (since you said all that about his mom & his dad works so much). Maybe he just needs someone to tell him that he's special & smart & can do anything with his life. Maybe you can be that one person who steers him into the right direction. Good Luck!

[BIM]

Good idea Charlie... I also think sometimes that I am the only stable person for him... I think that frustrastes me at times also. But anyway, I do feel like he is lost sometimes looking for direction.

Thanks.

[charlie123]

You sound like a very caring person - & he is lucky to have you as his stepmom. I think teenagers sometimes aren't aware of their surrounding & how their actions can affect those that love them. I remember when I was about 17, I realized that my mom was not just my mom - she was a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter - that she had feelings too. At that moment I felt deep regret for the way that had disrespected her in the past - & regretted some of the things that I had said. And at that moment I didn't want to disappoint her anymore. So - it sounds to me like your stepson still needs a little growing up to do. I think as long as he isn't into anything bad like alcohol, drugs, etc. - he will come around eventually. All you & your husband can do is be there for him. I still think he needs discipline - & suffer consequences for his actions. But you can support him by continuously talking about his future. Try to get him involved in SOMETHING! If he still shows no interest in doing anything & is just being lazy. You & your husband could make him do some kind of volunteer work. (He probably won't enjoy working for free!) If you take away his privileges & he still has no drive - I hate to say it but maybe you need to surprise him with a drug test. There might be something going in his life that he's not telling you. I hope my rambling has helped you in some way - Good Luck. I know it will be fine.

[wizzkid89]

Thanks BIM for those lovely comments, they really are appreciated.

After reading the last few posts, I really do believe you want to help your son. Like you said, his mom is flaky(to describe it in the nicest way possible) and his dad is never around, and basically you are his rock. I think that maybe a little tough for you trying to play the role of a solid adult figure in his life, especially when there is all this chaos surrounding you two, but essentially you are his rock. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a great person, I think that has been represented by not only coming here for help, but your posts as well. I might have initially underestimated exactly how much you would like to help your son, and I apologize. But I don't think that you should give up. It might be a lot to ask of you, to get your son started and it might be hard. But that's what usually happens to kids during this age. They get into a rut and they just don't know what the future has for them, and they have NO dreams, inevitably just floating along through life. Once they finally see something they want to do, then comes ambition, but you have to remember that they coexist, ambition and dreams, one cannot live without another. I think it would really really help, and let me stress this point, really really really really help you son and your entire family if you sit down and just said that you understand he is getting older, and confused, but you and his father are there to help him sort out his future and his plans after graduation. Your son's grades are nice to say the very least, I believe two B's, and that deserves some praise, so I think your son just needs a push. If that push can be realized, then things will finally start to fall into place. Understand that, or at least from my point of view, your family's problems seem like a puzzle, and once you get one piece together things gradually fall into place. Again, like I said before, showing you care about his future, shows you care about him now, and trust me a little goes a long way. Again best wishes.

[BIM]

Thank you wizzkid--nicely said. I guess I need to try and look beyond my selfishness.

[s_cianci]

I feel that your husband should back you up on this and he isn't. Most likely due to the guilt feelings that arose when your stepson's home was first broken. Dad feels at least partly responsible so to "compensate" he lets Junior do whatever he wants without any limits whatsoever. Sure, he may talk tough (no more than 20 min. on the phone, no more than 30 min. on the internet, no calls after 9:00, etc.) but he never follows through. Sadly this sort of situation is all too common in blended families. Unfortunately, I'm not sure there's an easy answer to your dilemma. Perhaps talking to your husband in a non-accusing manner and sharing your concerns with him may help. Other than that I'm not sure there's really much else you can do.

[talaniman]

I think if you open a relationship with this 18 year old as people and not as a disciplinarian you'll get to know each other and be able to communicate better. He has a mother and no way should you hinder or step between them . He actually sounds quite normal to me and has good grades. Cut him some slack and be a friend not a parent and I'll bet he responds to you. He is a young adult so treat him like one. Your restrictions are the same I'd put on a 9 year old. Relax and Communicate. What's the saying about using vinegar instead of honey? Be step mom the friend. Be calm and patient and happy.

[BIM]

I feel that your husband should back you up on this and he isn't. Most likely due to the guilt feelings that arose when your stepson's home was first broken. Dad feels at least partly responsible so to "compensate" he lets Junior do whatever he wants without any limits whatsoever. Sure, he may talk tough (no more than 20 min. on the phone, no more than 30 min. on the internet, no calls after 9:00, etc.) but he never follows through. Sadly this sort of situation is all too common in blended families. Unfortunately, I'm not sure there's an easy answer to your dilemma. Perhaps talking to your husband in a non-accusing manner and sharing your concerns with him may help. Other than that I'm not sure there's really much else you can do.

This is the way I feel most of the time. He lays the rules, but is not there to enforce them. So I am the "bad guy."

[BIM]

UPDATE: I have the computer set up so each individual has their own files, so - on - so forth.

I went into the children's internet files last night (I like to keep up on what they are spending so much time on it for) and found some pretty gross discusting things on the 18 yr olds files. I also looked at the 9 yr olds. On the 9 yr olds, I found the "Normal" 9 yr old things... Pokemon, Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, etc...

On the 18 yr old. I for lots of gross porn. Nasty crap that I don't even want to get into. Well I know 18 yr old boys are going to look at sexual stuff, but this was discusting. I do not want my 9 yr old exposed to this sort of crap - and I know the 9 yr old has been upstairs with the 18 yr old when he has been on the computer.

My opinion is this: I pay for this internet, and I DO NOT want this crap being exposed to my 9 yr old.

What are your suggestions on handling this situation? I have not said anything to the 18 yr old yet. I am sure he is going to be pissed I looked at this stuff, but my opinion is, he is under my roof, I am paying for this internet, and I also have the well being of the 9 yr. old to keep into consideration also.

FIRE AWAY EVERYBODY :rolleyes: I can take it like a man (even though I am female :D )