Check out some similar questions!

harriejansen · Jul 21, 2009, 09:33 AM

I have the feeling most of the people in this board are much younger. Me and my ex are 45 and 36. I have been married, divorced, 3 kids. She never married, 2 relationships of 5 years each.

We both are foreigners in the country we live in, and both work out of our homes. We fell in love 6 months ago, but are dealing with a lot of trust issues and get in unagreements, where she responds to ignoring me. That drives me nuts, and I then overreact by becoming angry, impacient etc.

After she broke up with me 2 times, now I broke up with her. I then explained my reasons to her in an email, but I put it like "here are some tips for your next relationship"

I am still very very much in love with her, but do not know what to do. I went NC a month ago, and now she sent me a mail about some work related issue (I am helping her exporting something of her company through an agent of mine)

What can I do? I know about the NC thing, but I think in this case it is really confusion, fear because of previous hurts (exes) etc.

Thanks for being here!

I wish · Jul 21, 2009, 11:52 AM

You've already broken up several times. If you haven't fixed the problems that caused you to break up the first few times, then nothing will change IF you get back together (i.e. you will end up breaking up again).

The two of you had your good times. Then you had your bad times and have given each other many chances, but it didn't work out. It happens. You even made a list of things that you learned. So you're in a better position for your next relationship. So go out there and meet new people.

As for the no contact rules. If you can't block her out completely, then just keep the conversations as short as possible and nothing unnecessary.

talaniman · Jul 21, 2009, 12:23 PM

So you have broken up 3 times already. That's enough, let her get her advice about business from someone else and YOU cut all contact and heal.

No shame in a relationship not working, the shame is thinking You can make it work by changing her. No WAY!

Romefalls19 · Jul 21, 2009, 02:46 PM

Never mix business and pleasure. Stop this game playing, sure some people on this board may be younger, but everyone has fallen victim to playing games. Put a stop to it!

Torrid13 · Jul 21, 2009, 02:51 PM

You're just digging yourself a hole with the "giving her business advice" thing. She can get help from someone else, and you can live a life full and happy without her!

The more you prolong the effects of the breakup, the longer it will take you to get over her! Keep yourself busy, ignore her emails, and find someone that is willing to talk through problems and fix them rather than ignore them!

harriejansen · Jul 21, 2009, 04:19 PM

Great to hear from you all! I read through 650 pages of your advise, and some of you I feel I know very well already, that is why I signed up here.

I have to tell a bit more. Our first "break up" lasted about 5 minutes. The second breakup wasn't really a breakup, but it was a fase of her ignoring me. I then sent her a very nasty email, frustrated of her ignoring me etc. it was hurtfull, I later apologized but I think she still has that incident in her mind, but it led to her punishing me a lot, basically by completely ignoring me. However, after our first break, she later confessed to me that she had been thinking of me 24 hours a day and hating me for not contacting her. I actually did the "Magic of making up" thing (including the handwritten letter haha) and it worked.

This last breakup I did, because we had agreed not to threathen breakup at a fight anymore but to communicate... and she did again, so I had to break up. I did not do any nasty stuff this time, although I did try to contact her twice right after breaking up, of course with the expected results, and now after NC she contacting me.

I have shared custody of my kids, which means I am on and off 2 weeks every month. I move 500 km away then. I can understand it must be hard on her, as on me.
Anyway, just venting. She is French, I am Dutch, we both are half Spanish and live in Spain. The French are particularly proud and stubborn. She is! The 50% of the time I am here, she lives at just 500 meters from me, it is impossible for me not to drive by her place... pfff stalking at 45! As she took me back the first time, I now have a hard time to let go, because I figure she'd take me back again.. makes sense? The first time she said many things to deter me and was totally 100% clear in letting me know that she would NEVER go back with me, but hey.. it happened anyway.

I feel that she is fighting to get away from me, because she figures that at 36 she MUST find a guy that gives her the opportunity to still have a kid (ofcourse to me she said she wouldn't want kids) but probably she does not really understand what relationships are, and what it takes to make them work. She is a princess, that is what she calls herself also.

I don't know how come that she has cought me by my b***s so firmly, I am glad I can vent here, and will try to detach as much as possible to let us figure this all out. Will keep you posted and agree on NC to heal.

I wish · Jul 21, 2009, 04:37 PM

It doesn't matter how short the break ups were the frist two times. The fact is, you have a huge rift and it caused the two of you to strongly consider breaking up. That means there were a lot of problems in the first place. Even though you got back together, it doesn't seem like the problems were getting repaired. No progross = no relationship.

Sounds like you're on track on the recovery process though. Having a child together definitely makes things more complicated. You will probably continue to have dealing with her in the future regarding your child. But in that case, once again, keep the conversations to a minimum and nothing unncessary until you've healed from the breakup.

harriejansen · Jul 21, 2009, 04:41 PM

Thanks I Wish for you input.. . but we do not have a child together! She has no kids, I have 3. My point was that I think she wants to find a single guy who wants to marry and have kids with her, instead of staying with me who already has kids etc. so let her head prevail over her heart.

talaniman · Jul 21, 2009, 04:56 PM

For whatever reason, a partnership that has a break up as a solution to the problem, is a big red flag to somebody is not that committed to working for a resolution.

I think it comes down to you seeing that, and letting this go. Clearly what you want, and what she wants is very different.

It doesn't matter any more what she wants. What matters is what you do for yourself about what you want. That takes making your own decision about reconciling your own head and your heart, realizing your heart is to hurt to be reliable.

No contact is your best solution.

harriejansen · Jul 22, 2009, 08:49 AM

She sent another mail, very businesslike about the deal I am presumably working on... She drives me crazy, I am having a very bad day today and doing all kind of stalkerish behaviour, I have to stop my mind from spinning!

I wish · Jul 22, 2009, 08:52 AM

Can you allow someone else to help you handle her file? You need to minimize all contact or anything related to her.

harriejansen · Jul 22, 2009, 09:23 AM

It is amazing. I just got informed that the business we are working on together is going to materialize! So I am going to sell a product of hers in a third country through a distributor of mine. We are both going to make money off that. Mmmmm might spend that on our wedding? Haha

harriejansen · Jul 22, 2009, 09:35 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

Can you allow someone else to help you handle her file? You need to minimize all contact or anything related to her.

Thanks I Wish, but that is impossible, we both work alone. Actually right now I feel up again, because in a way it is funny that this is working out. I know the odds are not in favour of the relationship, but you never know. The most important thing is to control my emotions and not turn her in some kind of goddess but see things as they are. I am 9 years older (but wiser?? ) so I should be able to handle myself.

Thanks for being here guys/girls will keep you posted.

harriejansen · Jul 23, 2009, 08:54 AM

Her emails with information keep coming. She could easily have done it without me, by just forgetting about my market, but she used is as a way to keep in touch. I am fighting the urge to call her. In the end I broke up the last time. But I see no signals from her that invite me to do more than just work on the deal. Anyway, I am now in my kids town, 500km away for a couple of weeks, and feel more detached. But obviously, as I am writing to you here, I am still busy with her in my head. I am afraid to loose her if I do not contact, that is what my heart says, my head says, do not contact her yet, let her think think think also and if there really is a sound intention to try to make it work it will show... so I lay low.

harriejansen · Jul 26, 2009, 07:35 AM

No contact is tough today... guess I have to hang in there... what if she misses me also and we are in a Mexican standoff??

talaniman · Jul 26, 2009, 08:33 AM

I am fighting the urge to call her. In the end I broke up the last time. But I see no signals from her that invite me to do more than just work on the deal.

Your in a weak moment magnified by a business contact from her. Don't give in to your mind playing tricks on you.

harriejansen · Jul 26, 2009, 09:29 AM

I am fighting the urge to call her. In the end I broke up the last time. But I see no signals from her that invite me to do more than just work on the deal.

Thanks T, for being on my thread. I feel that she contacted me about the possible "deal" is her way of contacting me again, like saying: OK, I know I told you to leave me alone after you dumped me, but I've been thinking... etc.

I really think that is a real possibility. No clue how to act on it. I can play along, like I am doing now, just answering her questions, I could also tell her something like: Look, I am interested in a relationship with you, to build a future, but prefer not to have you in my life as a friend or businesspartner...

I can of course also just bluntly keep ignoring her, we will eventuall both move on but will not have answers.

I know this might sound hard headed, but I feel very strongly still. Maybe also a French girl reacts differently than an American girl? Not very direct but based on hinting?

talaniman · Jul 26, 2009, 11:25 AM

I have been accused of being blunt myself, and I can tell you, just me, I have no trouble sticking to my decisions, based on the facts as I know them. Just me, that's honest communications. So make your decision and stick to it.

Talaniman rule- Sitting on the fence will give you splinters in your a$$, so make up your mind which side your on.

harriejansen · Jul 26, 2009, 12:13 PM

It is hard to not do anything, as like everybody else in this situation I get the feeling that we will loose each other... I'll give it a couple more days though, today is Sunday, it is hot, maybe I have been too bored and thinking too much... tomorrow a new day!

harriejansen · Jul 27, 2009, 01:19 AM

Talaniman, I need your objective opinion. Yesterday I really suffered, but kept the no contact. She has sent me 3 mails on Thursday, with specs about the product. I did not answer, was not necessary. So now, she sends me a mail: Can you please confirm you received my mails?

I think we are having a game here. NC seems to wake all kinds of emotions up and definitely turns the tables. I know it is not necessarily the purpose of NC, but what do I do? Do I wait until she really gives me a clear message? Or do I respond in a clear way, like, I am fine with discussing our future, but not with this gameplaying... Or... just keep up the good old NC?

Silly how now I feel stronger by her sending me an email...