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harriejansen · Aug 9, 2009, 02:36 AM

Thanks Gemini, so what do you suggest I do? I broke up with her because she was threatening to break up while we had agreed not to use that "weapon" in our relationship. But you are right, I even do feel like a teenager! However, I do not know what to do!

amicon · Aug 9, 2009, 02:51 AM

One day at the time one step at the time cry when you want to cry vent when needed focus on you who YOU are as an individual.

talaniman · Aug 9, 2009, 07:38 AM

You continue to leave her alone, as she has left you alone. Its your life to lead, enjoy it to the fullest, without her. That's what you do.

harriejansen · Aug 9, 2009, 08:02 AM

It is curious how many of us, like me, have to hear the same advice over and over again, advise that totally makes sense, only to have several moments during the day with that urge to contact, to do something. Glad I found this board, last contact was 10 days ago, my suggestion to her to talk... I will post here when I feel the urge to contact, and not contact her. I hope you will put up with me!

amicon · Aug 9, 2009, 08:28 AM

Great idea it worked for me!

harriejansen · Aug 10, 2009, 01:07 AM

Goodmorning! It is definitely the mornings that are the hardest... pfffffff... hanging in there!

amicon · Aug 10, 2009, 01:19 AM

Are nt they just! :-( you re doing great though I ve noticed you ve started helping others. Way to go.

harriejansen · Aug 10, 2009, 01:37 AM

Yep trying to help others, it is easier to help others than to help yourself. From the outside many cases look so obvious!

amicon · Aug 10, 2009, 01:46 AM

Yes they nearly always do when one s coming from the head not one s own heart. Our emotions do seem to eh trip us up?

Gemini54 · Aug 10, 2009, 02:29 AM

Originally Posted by harriejansen

Thanks Gemini, so what do you suggest I do? I broke up with her because she was threatening to break up while we had agreed not to use that "weapon" in our relationship. But you are right, I even do feel like a teenager! However, I do not know what to do!

Don't contact her - and hey, get it clear in your mind that you won't play games.

harriejansen · Aug 11, 2009, 08:15 AM

Today I am depressed, more than anything else. Still feel like reaching out to her, it worked the last time... I understand all of you being against it, so keep hanging in there, and instead of contacting her, posting here.

But still... don't women like to be pursued, specially in this case, where I deserve to suffer a little bit?

amicon · Aug 11, 2009, 08:40 AM

Some days are not good.stay strong.keep busy.

talaniman · Aug 11, 2009, 08:41 AM

Women who like to be pursued never run far, or fast enough not to be caught, if you're the one who they want to catch them.

But in your own case it's not about a relationship at all, its about you gaining a really fresh, and realistic perspective, on your own situation.

You did the right thing, coming here and not to her, because the depression, and the urge to call her, WILL PASS. Don't dwell get busy, that helps a lot in changing, not only your mood, but your thoughts as well.

Hey, I never said it would be easy!!

harriejansen · Aug 11, 2009, 08:57 AM

OK, but I haven't called her in 2 months, have not contacted only replying her "business" mails that came in, and of course 2 weeks ago that mail where I ask her if she'd be available to work through our stuff...

talaniman · Aug 11, 2009, 09:23 AM

And your point would be? Keep it strictly business, as I imagine that's all you can handle, and all she wants you to handle. Drop the dreams of romance, buddy.

harriejansen · Aug 11, 2009, 02:21 PM

Hey Tal, I appreciate your input a lot.. but you seem very very sure!

I suspect she is on a holiday with her sister right now, and probably also pondering this stuff. I am not as black and white as you yet! We'll see what happens but I promise I will lay low!

talaniman · Aug 11, 2009, 04:54 PM

I understand, and your right, its hard to process new information when your emotionally charged. I hope you give yourself a chance for the emotional dust to settle, so you can separate her facts, from her fiction.

I still get confused sometimes, but now I have time to step back, and see a bigger picture, before I act.

harriejansen · Aug 11, 2009, 07:04 PM

Tal, I think I have a feeling where her emotional dust is. I am 45, I went through a bad bad bad divorce, in the end I managed to get out with shared custody after 7 lawsuits etc. I know more than it would appear in this thread...

She is 36, no kids, 2 very bad relationships of 5 years each where she probably lost all confidence in us men...

I think I am OK now to deal with this. It is just that after 6 years of being single I really hoped this would be IT. Summer here in Spain is a big issue in the sense that everything is dead, everybody is away, she knows I am with my kids, don't know that much about her but I know she is a little conservative, and very proud, french etc. and above all she is perfectly aware of that fact that if she doesn't get it right this time she is running out of time.

She told me at one point, that she is "at least not contributing to the overpopulation of the planet" I didn't say anything, but hey, I have 3 kids!

In her last rant she shouted something "You do not know if I want kids! You do not know if I'd like to be married" etc. so obviously there is an issue there.

I just would like to be able to talk to her about these kind of issue, to understand her better. I am pretty sure of my own feelings in the sense that after 6 years of being single I'd consider her a potential candidate.

I am not really desperate, just sad and frustrated. Actually I am at 45 still very good looking and very successful with the women, only, I think I am too critical and don't admit many women to my heart, just short flings, this time I felt different and of course I am not stupid, but as you can tell from my posts this girl got me...

I enjoy the board a lot, it helps me to relax in the dificult moments, but I have to admit I have a little bit of trouble with the standard NC advise...

amicon · Aug 11, 2009, 10:38 PM

All I can say is that a relationship where breaking up is an established pattern is not where I wanted to be. So I got out.I spent the first week after the break up desperately wanting to talk and rescue what we had.by not contacting my ex since the break up I ve managed to find out what I don't want from a relationship. Of course it still hurts but every day it hurts a little less.some couples aren't meant to be together.it seems to me that your ex has made no attempt at trying to meet up for a discussion about your problems.

harriejansen · Aug 12, 2009, 01:08 AM

Goodmorning Monica! You are right, she hasn't... yet? We'll see trying to dwell less on it but not yet ready to let it go entirely...