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N0help4u · Jul 27, 2009, 06:01 AM

Originally Posted by harriejansen

We fell in love 6 months ago, but are dealing with a lot of trust issues and get in unagreements, where she responds to ignoring me. That drives me nuts, and I then overreact by becoming angry, impacient etc.

After she broke up with me 2 times, now I broke up with her. I then explained my reasons to her in an email, but I put it like "here are some tips for your next relationship"

I am still very very much in love with her, but do not know what to do. I went NC a month ago, and now she sent me a mail about some work related issue (I am helping her exporting something of her company through an agent of mine)

You have trust issues is a red flag that it may not work.
Neither one of you 'fight' fair which complicates things.
She is either childish or playing games or doesn't know how to handle conflict by not talking. You blow up which further drives her away from wanting to deal with conflict.

But I put it like "here are some tips for your next relationship" looks like a control 'my way' tactic rather than showing an interest at resolving through compromise and agreement

All you can do is tell her that you really care and would like it to work out but that you both need to figure out how to get along. Other than that NC is best.
DO NOT read anything into things when you do see her.

harriejansen · Jul 27, 2009, 06:17 AM

Hi N0, makes a lot of sense to me what you say, but I do not know how to put it... right now I am with my kids for 2 weeks, 500km away, so what I did today was just politely answer her mail about business, and nothing more. I guess dealing with a southern European mentality it would indeed be up to me to make a move, but NC is working right now (with huge ups and downs... ) to be more relaxed. Maybe one of these days I'll send her an email or SMS with your suggestion in it.

N0help4u · Jul 27, 2009, 06:21 AM

Originally Posted by harriejansen

Hi N0, makes a lot of sense to me what you say, but I do not know how to put it... right now I am with my kids for 2 weeks, 500km away, so what I did today was just politely answer her mail about business, and nothing more. I guess dealing with a southern European mentality it would indeed be up to me to make a move, but NC is working right now (with huge ups and downs...) to be more relaxed. Maybe one of these days I'll send her an email or SMS with your suggestion in it.

No don't send her
Just explain where things stand IF she happens to ask
For now NC is best.
And it is best to say things from the heart not 'someone suggested'

harriejansen · Jul 27, 2009, 12:13 PM

She answered my mail about business. I can tell she is getting annoyed by my stricktly sticking to business. Her last mail was even despicable towards my distributor, that is helping her! Anyway, I am gettting to know her better like this, maybe she is not such a nice girl after all. I made it clear to her that my distributor is doing me a favor for her but that it is not his business really, and that I follow through because I promised to lend her a hand, and that I will keep her posted if there are any novelties...

N0help4u · Jul 27, 2009, 12:17 PM

If she wants another chance she should bring it up instead of himhowing around about it.

You are doing the right thing keeping it professional

harriejansen · Jul 28, 2009, 07:29 AM

I find it weird we are in contact but then again not in contact... am fighting the urge to contact her at this very moment... I would like to say to her, hey, why don't we just talk...

harriejansen · Jul 29, 2009, 06:34 AM

Just keep venting here... NC is really hard again. Has to do with the time of the day, after lunch. No news about our "deal" so no reason to keep in touch. Still I would like to reach out to her, any tips on how to do that?

harriejansen · Jul 29, 2009, 10:02 AM

OK guys and girls, I hope I did the right thing. After reading a post from Talaniman, about not using NC to manipulate, but try to work things through with matureness and honesty after a perido of NC to cool down. I wrote her a small email, saying:

Hi, how are you? I feel we are playing a game, exchanging mails about business pretending nothing is going on. I'd like to improve our comunication and be honest with you. I think that our relationship deserves that in spite of past mistakes. Are you willing to try to improve our comunication? Work with me to solve our problems for our mutual benefit? I wait for your answer.

puppygirl6396 · Jul 29, 2009, 10:12 AM

I think you shouldn't stay with her,but if you love her very much it would be hard not to with so many problems I think it'd be best to stay away and if u stay away long enough ( a month or two ) you might actauly figure out either you don't want to be with her or An answer to You're problems.

talaniman · Jul 31, 2009, 03:41 PM

If you cannot deal with her strictly business, leave her alone. There is no need for a sob story to explain things, or extend an olive branch for her attention. Your email to her wasn't about being blunt, it was about trying again, and only time can say if that works, or not. You took the risks, so you can only wait for the results.

harriejansen · Aug 1, 2009, 03:37 AM

Yep, will be waiting now... It is August, and here in Spain that means heat, next week I'll be sailing with the kids to Ibiza! Feeling better now, I think for me it was necessary to make it clear to her that the "business" conversation looked like a game to me, and to make it very clear to her that I am OK to work it out, but not gameplaying wise.

harriejansen · Aug 2, 2009, 03:21 PM

Of course she hasn't answered yet. I wonder if there is something wrong with me to have such a hard time with this. A very hard time. It is very frustrating not to be able to talk to her.

N0help4u · Aug 2, 2009, 06:37 PM

There is nothing wrong with you if she couldn't reply after you said about game playing she most likely realized that she was wrong and didn't feel comfortable replying.

amicon · Aug 2, 2009, 07:59 PM

Hi. I hope you are feeling better. I ve just come out of a similar relationship .he couldn't talk about problems and sadly I left him. All the best

harriejansen · Aug 7, 2009, 12:37 PM

Just back from 5 days sailing around Ibiza and Formentera. No answer from her. Not sure if I should do anything at all. I know what most of you will advise me but...

amicon · Aug 7, 2009, 01:36 PM

No buts stay strong leave it be. A relationship needs to be founded upon trust communication and NO mindgames.move on please.

harriejansen · Aug 8, 2009, 08:26 AM

On Monday the kids go to their mother and I will have 2 weeks on my own. Hopefully I can keep from contacting her. In the mail I sent her 10 days ago I asked her for a reply, she simply does not answer. No no, no yes. Nothing. I know that means that she is totally not interested... or not. Ignoring somebody also consumes energy I suppose. Oh well, taking one of the boys to the cinema, and will go out tonight with a cousin who is visiting.

amicon · Aug 8, 2009, 08:30 AM

Have a good time.

harriejansen · Aug 9, 2009, 02:19 AM

Having a hangover now! It is amazing how I keep obsessing over her. No news whatsoever and it is costing me all my strength not to call her. Why shouldn't I call her again?? I am searching all over the place in Google etc. for her name, have to stop that. I still do not understand why she is hiding like this...

Gemini54 · Aug 9, 2009, 02:33 AM

Originally Posted by harriejansen

Having a hangover now! It is amazing how I keep obsessing over her. No news whatsoever and it is costing me all my strength not to call her. Why shouldn't I call her again??? I am searching all over the place in Google etc. for her name, have to stop that. I still do not understand why she is hiding like this....

Well, you said in your original post that she used to drive you crazy by ignoring you. That's what she's doing. And, she's obviously better at it than you...

If you didn't want to break up why did you do it? There may be people on this forum that are younger than you, but believe me, you're not acting your age!

Make up your mind what you want to do, because you're acting like a teenager.

Love never sulks or turns its back.