[aqwarius]

I perform music (guitar) with a female singer who I am emotionally involved with. I don't want a "relationship" with her (and I am too "old" for her) but adore performing music with her. People tell us we have a unique synergy. I feel she is playing head games with me and has no boundaries. She is a very childish 36 year old. She is often very rude and offensive to me (and others), gets familiar with me then accuses me of being too familiar if I even make a comment about her dress which on previous occasions whe invites. She may have a personality disorder or may simply be playing power/control games with me. I just want to keep this a musical relationship. She threw herself at me, idealising our "musical journey" as a mission and has now chilled me out. I am confused because when we get up and perform we deliver as though we are making love through our music. I have become dependent on her but she has treated me without respect. No sure what to do as backing off is causing me a lot of distress and all I want is fairness.Is that too much to ask of a moody woman! I tried advertising for another female singer but to no avail. No one comes near her. It is that old chestnut - chemistry.

[Torrid13]

I think you pretty much already nailed the issue on the head: she's horribly immature.

She obviously does not know how to relate to others in the personal or societal aspects of her life, and craves a lot of attention, whether positive or negative. She doesn't respect anyone but herself, and is out for what she can gain.

Why haven't you talked to her about it yet? You need to put your foot down and let her know that you are a human being, not an airsickness bag.

Limit your contact with her as much as possible and work on becoming less dependent on her! Don't let her boss you around!

I find it kind of odd that you compare making music with her to making love to her even though you just want a strictly professional relationship... did something romantic happen between you two in the past? Perhaps I am not enough into music to really get the simile, I guess.

So basically, you can:

1.)Keep working with her and tolerate her childishness

2.)Keep working with her but let her know you have boundaries

3.)Leave and find someone else to make music with.

The choice is yours.

[aqwarius]

Hi Torrid

Thanks for your surprisingly perceptive and mature reply. May I add to this simple yet complex situation by saying I am not a "normal" "conventional" guy who had a mum.
I lost my mother in childbirth, had a physical and mentally abusive father until he died when I was seventeen upon which I had freedom for the first time in life but I never had a mother figure role model (not to be confused with my needing a mother now - I want a partner on an equal basis of mutual support) but issues of independence, co-dependency etc I never learned as an infant and it is excruciatingly painful as an adult now to try and learn. I am terrified of loss because that is all I know. As a young man I was very good looking (never believed it at the time!) and rather shy but had scores of very attractive girlfriends but was terrified of "commitment" (loss again). In my obvious midlife crisis now (64 looking 50!) I have landed up very lonely, working and living on my own, felling I have totally missed the boat. I am drawn to younger women because I am very young in my attituteds and lifestyle. This woman threw a lifeline at me, courted my attention, she lives in the next street. Incidentally ageism in Britain is chronic and music is just about the only thing that cuts across barriers.

Much of what you suggest I have tried (talking it out etc) and in fact a few months go 'madam Diva' was so offensive and insulting that I told her to get out of my life and I meant it. She came back a few months later almost relishing in my strong response to her and feeding off my outrage. When I say 'making love in the music', yes I am emotionally involved with her because the musical chemistry (also commented on by people who have seen us perform) is a fantastic conduit of emotion expressed through her voice and my guitar. However, I told her months ago I did not want a "relationship" with her even though I am drawn to her and have asked her many times to be professional and respectful. I am friends with her mum (who she also abuses) and she says walk away! This is so difficult now as she has really got under my skin. I have tried finding other musicians but it don't just happen. Since her insult and total contradictory behavior to me a few weeks ago I did back off and have not heard from her, other than we perfomed at a street party a week ago and everyone said it was a great performance and she turned round and hugged me afterwards. She had her 23 year boyfriend right there in my face
(they looked totally bored with each other with no apparent spark) but I faced my demons
And just focused on the music. I guess I am caught between 1. and 2. of your advice; accepting her childishness or keeping working with her but letting her know I have boundaries. The latter option is my intention but I am terrified of the rejection now which I know sounds pathetic. If anyone younger is reading this post (probably boring the pants off them!) let me say I never thought I would get old and find myself so isolated by the society I live in. My God how the landscape changes when you get older irrespective of how you feel inside). I feel I have missed the boat and was strong enough not to get married when I was younger just because everyone else did, but I have emotional needs just like everyone else and just finding a mutual respectful friend is hard. The society I find myself in now is so self centred and grabbing. Music is a gift to share and I am confused that this woman does not cherish that gift. Her ex boyfriend told me I have improved her performance. I would say we both improved/helped each other.
Thank you for your reply and finally just to say I am writing a pop sing called "Never fall in love with the singer in the band". Only joking but musc unleashes emotions for both audience and performers! But I know my one strength is that on stage I can be entirely professional and hope that maybe luck will come my way before I get too old and I do meet a singer who I can fall in love with!

[roxypox]

I'm sorry for the troubles you've lived with, lived through and the emotional trouble you are facing now.

The woman you are making music with is acting immaturly and even worse her actions are destructive. If she is trying to destruct herself she is doing a fine job, if she is trying to destroy you, she is doing an even better job.

I think the fear of loss has a central place in several peoples life and it is regrettable that it has a central place in yours.

In your case I really do hope that you are able to go for option 2. Seeing as you should not let her threat you this way, in the end that can only end one way: badly! She is way over line and she should know that her behavior is unacceptable by far!

Have you thought of any other ways to make music, with some new people that is? Or maybe engage in projects involving new people?

Is music your part-time or full-time job?

[aqwarius]

Dear Roxy pox

You have also confirmed what my instincts tell me. Strange how we allow our minds to play tricks. Advising others over emotional issues is always easier. To answer your question, music is what I am wanting to spend more of my time doing. I was (am?) a well known British furniture designer maker (an innovator) but spent the past 30 years almost in isolation in a basement workshop pursuing a craft that few others patronised. Music is wonderful in that audience response is immediate but the field is full of people with large egos. There are of course some really nice natured musicians but it is hard to link up with them. The woman I have been involved with musically I met by chance and I agree with you, she is destructive not just to me but to herself. But I guess it is her journey, even if she lives to regret the apalling way she has treated me and I know at the end of the day it is me who has ALLOWED her to treat me this way and it has now come to a head. I have in the past been accused of 'not taking prisoners' and being uincompromising but I let this one walk all over me, because I fell in love with her voice!

[roxypox]

I think that sometimes we do let people walk all over us at some point, although for different reasons. I let my x boyfriend walk all over me because I fell in love with his uncompromising way to live his life...

I'm glad that this site can be of help to you though! It does help to have someone else's perspective on or situations, whatever they might be...

Seeing as music, in the present is something you do 'on the side' (if I may call it that) and it is really different from what you do as a job. (although both is highly creative and requires a keen interest)

I did think about your situation and how you can create music with new people... and what struck me at first is that music is something that happens on different planes and lvls... have you considered to see if there are any music programs where you live? Maybe have a class with teenagers, or join/reach out to a group that might interest you?

The whole idea with teenageres is mostly about maybe giving classes (small ones, maybe at night/weekends or afternoons) That might help you get new inspiration that doesn't involve her.

also, I don't know what type of music you make, or what type of instrument you play, but there might be other ways for you to create if everything with her takes a turn that involves the two of you not making any more music together.

Other then that, I do think its good that you are considering to put your foot down with her. When the situation is the way it is now, if you don't it's not going to get any better.

[talaniman]

I think you're a bit to old to be a door mat for an immature brat, and maybe this relationship should end so you can explore other options and opportunities than will make you happier.

[N0help4u]

You need to keep her in a business perspective professional and do not fall into her little trappings. When you look at her look at her as your business partner not a female that you may have an attraction to or that may be attracted to you. Forget the attraction stuff.
If she gets pushy or come onish to you tell her to back off and be professional. As Torrid said put your foot down and set boundries with her.
She may just like the attention but can't handle when the attention is any more than a little flattery to boost her ego. Don't even give her that much.
Don't look at her or treat her as anything more than a fellow musician.