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believechange · Jul 15, 2009, 08:11 PM

We have been together near on three years now, and for the most part we are good friends - understand each other, extremely open with each other, at least from my side.

Yet something has being bugging me for a long time. - I thought it would pass and that I could get over it, in other words I thought I was being to shallow and not to be so silly - but its just getting worse. Her thighs are huge and her size is quite small, not dwarfish but not far offf it by another few inches or so.

So if you think I'm just being too shallow, well I WOULD HAVE AGREED maybe two years ago - but this is very real for me, so I cannot change that. Criticize if you like but losing attraction in your relationship is at least 50% of it which leaves me right on the edge.

YES, we have talked about it - many times, even to the point of lipo for her thighs and to an extreme and very expensive operation on lengthening the legs, where they actually break your bones and regrow them. Which we would both actually agree to go ahead with, IF we had the money! Which we don't.

SHE has been wonderful and understanding about it and they are issues of hers also but that wouldn't be so much as a problem as now its an issue within the relationship.

So to conclude I am not fully happy with what I've got and have lost attraction, her face an eyes got me attracted in the first place and I still like them, but I thought I would get over her size, and thighs - which I haven't.

Extra Details... If your bothered to read them.

Another thing that affects my decision is I have been head over heels in love before in a 3yr serious relationship and I got dumped hard. The love we have now is nothing like the love I have felt before so I'm also afraid I will never find that love again, hence I stayed where I am.

I am putting her through college at the moment and she's doing well and if I was to break up with her I would be afraid that it may also affect her studies, plus I really don't want to hurt her. And I am also afraid that I will be all alone again without anyone, but then does that mean then that I am just using her?

Hmmmm... OK well good luck with anyone who cares to answer... I won't get into any flame bait, so insult all you want its not going to make a difference.

talaniman · Jul 15, 2009, 08:17 PM

What does her doctor say?? My friend has the same problem, and she had thyroid issues.

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 15, 2009, 08:21 PM

Yes you are being shallow, and she's stupid to even CONSIDER changing herself for anyone BUT herself.

Now, on another note, you aren't attracted to her anymore, so you ask her to change? No. If you don't love her like you feel you should and aren't attracted to her--leave.

She will be far happier without a guy that is making her self esteem plummet and requesting she have plastic surgery to alter her appearance.

Yes, you are being shallow. No I'm not going to insult or make fun of you. We are all about facts and solutions here. No mumbo jumbo.

believechange · Jul 15, 2009, 08:22 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

What does her doctor say??? My friend has the same problem, and she had thyroid issues.

Doctor sais she is healthy and normal, its just her size. Sort of squishes her together.
Actually we could probably save for the lipo within a year or two.

But the height could take a looong time and then that's just huge chunks taken out of my life and more struggle put into it?

Do I say asta la vista? Or bite my tongue and buck up and just deal with it because that's what I've been dealt?

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 15, 2009, 08:26 PM

Originally Posted by believechange

Doctor sais she is healthy and normal, its just her size. sort of squishes her together.
actually we could probably save for the lipo within a year or two.

but the height could take a looong time and then thats just huge chunks taken out of my life and more struggle put into it?

do i say asta la vista? or bite my tongue and buck up and just deal with it coz thats what ive been dealt?

That's what you've been dealt? OMG. YOU chose to engage in this relationship. If she is SO repulsive to you LEAVE. She'll be happier in the end.

talaniman · Jul 15, 2009, 08:46 PM

Why am I having a problem believing a doctor can't find a solution, like a diet if she is normal? After 3 years your expecting her to grow? She need a better doctor. Or maybe you need one, a shrink maybe?

Torrid13 · Jul 15, 2009, 08:49 PM

F HER LIFE.

Just break up with her. She'll find a "thighs" man and all will be right with the world. And you can go find whatever you're looking for.

I have got to say I have never heard of thighs being a deal-breaker in a relationship. o_o

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 15, 2009, 08:55 PM

Agreed. My boyfriend loves and appreciates me the way that I am, and I have rather large thighs. But you know what? I like them, and if I found out he wanted to break up with me because of that I'd say see you.

Grow up, you obviously don't know what relationships are about. If you want a barbie doll, find one. But she'll probably be more shallow than you. Have you ever wonder what your girlfriend overlooks about YOUR appearance?

You need to be single for a while to learn to appreciate the uniqueness and individuality of each woman. And to learn to love yourself more.

makapuu · Jul 15, 2009, 08:58 PM

I think you should break up with her. You like her face and eyes but that is really not a reason to stay in a relationship. You are no longer attracted to her, which leads me to believe that one day you will be attracted to someone else, then what?
You are not responsible for her college education. She should be grateful for all you have done for her till now.
If you don't want to be alone, you can get a pet.

paxe · Jul 15, 2009, 09:54 PM

I think your issue is quite legitimate. You don't feel attracted to her for whatever reasons and all the reasons want to stay with her are wrong. First off you are going to find someone else, there's plenty of fish out there you just need to take care of yourself. Then you are not responsible of her life, she is. If you show confidence you will find someone else out there. I think you are considerate and wise to at least ask yourself those questions.

Now for all of you out there, why do you see this guy as inconsiderate or shallow? He felt out of love, and doesn't feel attraction to his girlfriend, and it's his own right to dump her. I don't understand why would this qualify him to go see a shrink or to be shallow...

dreamingartist · Jul 15, 2009, 09:55 PM

If she breaks her legs to grow and gets liposuction to get skinny and you still end up not liking her in the future, then what? Wouldn't it be easier for you and her to both find new romance and save her the agony of trying to gain your approval?

believechange · Jul 15, 2009, 10:34 PM

Thanks guys for all your suggestions. I guess the arrow seems to be pointing in one direction.

For the psychologist idea, I think that was actually a good one. After all it is all in your head.

Otherwise Most people pick their respective spouses out of attraction and looks otherwise all us guys would be going out with ugly fat birds and visa versa and if you think that's also shallow then ehhh peak into the real world for a moment its going on all the time so therefore all humans must be shallow. So sorry if you have fat thighs and the op hurt your feelings lolz.

Thirdly, I took a gamble thinking that my repulsion to them would just subside, after all her personality won me over. But the gamble didn't pay off, as expected, its not like I didn't try or didn't give it enough time and in the end what's real to me is as stated and I can't change that. Your choice to be hate full or compassionate about my situation, doesn't change anything.

But I thank you all for your advice and opinions - I take it all with a pinch of salt though as the only ones who will come to the right answers are the two in the relationship at the end of the day.

I don't know maybe its worth it, maybe in a few years I will come back to report all is well, watch this space. :)

I bet if people where more honest it would come down to what really seem like silly issues like this, granted its not just thighs here but height and the type of love.

believechange · Jul 15, 2009, 10:39 PM

Originally Posted by dreamingartist

If she breaks her legs to grow and gets liposuction to get skinny and you still end up not liking her in the future, then what? Wouldn't it be easier for you and her to both find new romance and save her the agony of trying to gain your approval?

Very good question, but very unlikely, we have talked at length very openly and have really selected exactly what our issues are, its not a random thing it's a real problem.

Ive actually already got lipo done on my belly for her and I worked out to get my weight down, so I wasn't perfect either still am not in many ways, but I am considerably less repulsive to her now because of it. Cummon we all like a nice body.

artlady · Jul 15, 2009, 11:05 PM

It seems to me if you love someone,you love them as the expression goes,warts and all.

If she were to become disfigured due to an accident would you love her less?If there was some reason ,medically that you could not have sex at all,would that be a deal breaker to you? If so than I don't think you truly love her.

I don't get it because to me love is not about looks.

I think you need to reach down deeper inside yourself and ask yourself if it isn't something more substantial that is making you lose your attraction.

I think you don't want to be shallow and it is but you certainly can not help the way you feel.

The love we have now is nothing like the love I have felt before so I'm also afraid I will never find that love again, hence i stayed where i am.

Sounds like you settled and now you feel you want more or at least you do not want this relationship.That is a legitimate reason for breaking up.

And I am also afraid that I will be all alone again without anyone, but then does that mean then that I am just using her?

Yes,you are.She is a comfortable security blanket.

If you decide to break it off,she should be warned well in advance ,especially if this may affect her ability to finish school and she should also know ,it is not because of her appearance that you are making this decision.

If you are not in love,there is no point in continuing this relationship,that has become a charade.

Torrid13 · Jul 15, 2009, 11:13 PM

Maybe if you wouldn't make the poor girl sound like a mutated carnie, we wouldn't be so harsh. Bah. I'm done. I think thighs definitely should never be a deal breaker, and considering you're apparently not a hottie with a body either (why would you get SURGERY for someone else? )... gah gah gah. Forget it.

Hope you find what you want out of life. Her name's Barbie, and she's in aisle 28 of your nearest Wal-Mart.

talaniman · Jul 16, 2009, 06:04 AM

I think the picture you painted is what we all have to disagree with. As Artlady said, love goes beyond the physical, and commitment is a spiritual union, not just attraction of good looks.

If your feelings are honest, then you do need to leave, as I think its worse to stay, and fake it, that's not love either. Feelings do change for whatever reason, its what you do about it that counts.

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 16, 2009, 10:27 PM

Originally Posted by believechange

Very good question, but very unlikely, we have talked at length very openly and have really selected exactly what our issues are, its not a random thing its a real problem.

Ive actually already got lipo done on my belly for her and i worked out to get my weight down, so I wasnt perfect either still am not in many ways, but i am considerably less repulsive to her now because of it. cummon we all like a nice body.

No one's perfect, and everyone's idea of a nice body is different.

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 16, 2009, 10:28 PM

I agree wholeheartedly with Talan

speedy009 · Jul 16, 2009, 10:48 PM

If you are not attracted to her just leave and save yourself the expensive medical bills. Just start jogging with her around the park and do it naturally. She might resent you later in life because you made her feel ugly and made her get surgery.

rosebud135 · Jul 16, 2009, 10:55 PM

Well are you a large guy? If so then that is rude. If not then you and her should just go on walks every once in a while. Shell slim down some if she excercises. I'm a little chunky and my boyfriend makes fun of me and it makes me feel like so how do you think she would feel if she said that your nose or something botherd her?? You wouldn't like that would you?