[lonely_and_lost]

Just a little bit of background first:
My husband cheated at the beginning of this year, resulting in the woman becoming pregnant. The woman herself found out early on and never informed him that she was pregnant until after it was too late to do anything about it. She never asked what he was willing to do, but simply stated "I'm pregnant, now leave your wife and be with me". When they had their one-night-stand, she had just switched pills and was fully aware that she was volunerable to get pregnant. She also managed to get him so intoxicated that he could hardly stand. But reasons for him being out with her in the frist place is that she was a good friend of ours that we met through work in the Canadian Forces. They were both away for work, while I remained home. Before they left she started trying to sabotage our marriage, and finally succeeded on a night he was particuarily homesick.

She is now 7 months pregnant and moved into a house just down the road from us. She is making ridiculous demands, including wanting us to buy everythign for the baby, also her maternity clothes. Her more serious demands are in regards to child support. She wants $500/month starting now. Otherwise she says she will see us in court. I have no problem supporting my husbands child. We have moved past the issues that arose from this problem and are workign towards our future, which included this child. But she won't let him have anything to do with the baby as long as I'm in his life.

My question is: If we know that he was trapped into gettign her pregnant, is there any way around not paying as much child support (since we know that she'd be spending it on herself, not the baby) or not paying any at all.
We want visitation rights. We want to know and love the baby, but we both believe that we shouldn't have to pay if she won't let him get to know the little one.
Is there any way to get around it?

[stevetcg]

There is no way to get around paying what is court ordered, no. How much that is will depend on a number of factors including how much your husband makes.

Her demands right now are meaningless. Child support is not owed until it is court ordered and paternity is established. Child support is also paid to the parent, regardless of what she chooses to spend it on.

Same thing with visitation. That is court ordered and her opinion on the matter is not up for debate.

And please stop thinking of your husband as a victim. I don't care how drunk he was... he is a big boy, he was not forced into having sex with her at gunpoint and I venture to guess he knows how babies are made.

[LearningAsIGo]

Since there is likely no way to prove he was "trapped" into getting her pregnant, you can't really fight with that angle.

You can consult a lawyer about custody rights and establish a paternity test once the baby is born.

[ballengerb1]

She can demand/ask for money and you can agree, disagree or negotiate. If she takes him to court and prevails you may end up paying more. If you should decide to pay her now you should creat a contract or legal agreement. She can still come back years from now and demand more. Fact is, that baby is your husband's child and should be treated as you would treat your child, the child is guiltless.

[lonely_and_lost]

Since there is likely no way to prove he was "trapped" into getting her pregnant, you can't really fight with that angle.

You can consult a lawyer about custody rights and establish a paternity test once the baby is born.

I do actually have proof of it, which sounds illy doesn't it. When my husband finally came around and told me about the adultery and pregnancy, she began to email me. Informing me of all the details of how their encounter went and several things she was plannign on doing in which she succeeded. These emails have progressivly gotten worse since I refuse to scoop to her level of namecalling and finger pointing. Through the military we have the documents that told her to stop birth control for 2 weeks and continue on another type afterwards.

I fully understand that my husband is a "big boy" and no I do not think he is the victim. But I do not agree with giving her any morsel of support as long as she keep demanding more. We are not going to court at this point. But the $500/month is her minimum. Originally she had asked for around $1000/month, which just made us laugh.

There really is no regulation regarding this topic that I can look further into?
On the other hand, is there anythign we can look into (other than court) to ensure he gets visitations, if not more of his baby?

[ballengerb1]

A court order will be your best insurance of visitation and a fixed dollar amount. This can get really nasty and don't expect that she will be more agreeable down the road. If you end up in court it would be favorable for you if you could show/prove you made a good faith offer and reqiured visitation. Save those e-mails.

[stevetcg]

I do actually have proof of it, which sounds illy doesn it. When my husband finally came around and told me about the adultery and pregnancy, she began to email me. Informing me of all the details of how their encounter went and several thigns she was plannign on doing in which she succeeded. These emails have progressivly gotten worse since I refuse to scoop to her level of namecalling and finger pointing. Through the military we have the documents that told her to stop birth control for 2 weeks and continue on another type afterwards.

I fully understand that my husband is a "big boy" and no I do not think he is the victim. But I do not agree with giving her any morsel of support as long as she keep demanding more. We are not going to court at this point. But the $500/month is her minimum. Originally she had asked for around $1000/month, which just made us laugh.

There really is no regulation regarding this topic that I can look further into?
On the other hand, is there anythign we can look into (other than court) to ensure he gets visitations, if not more of his baby?

Ok... even if you can prove it, it won't make the sligtest difference to a (U.S.) court. I am 99% sure that is the case in Canada also.

Let her demand whatever she wants. Nothing is owed until paternity is established. For all you know, he might not even be the father. Personally, I would let the court decide.

There are of course regulations that you can look into. I would Google paternity law for your province or speak with a local attorney. In the US, a good guess as to support is 17% of pre-tax pay plus insurance and half of daycare. That varies by state, but it's a good round figure.

There is nothing to say that your husband can't sue for custody also. You two seem very interested in raising this child... there is nothing to prevent you from trying to become the custodial parents. From the sounds of this woman, that might actually be in the child';s best interest.

[MomWontGiveUp]

Personally, I wouldn't do anything until paternity is established. If your husband is fairly certain the baby is really his, then... as someone else stated, you might make a legally binding support offer, contingent upon establishing paternity to help care for some of her needs now. Later on, it can be shown as a good-faith offering that your husband is willing to take responsibility for his child. Once paternity is established (assuming it will be), petition for parenting time. If you and your husband believe you would be the better option for raising the child, then petition for primary custody, as well.

Whatever you do - keep your cool when responding to her outrageous demands. You and your husband want to appear to be the most resonable in this situation. Save everything and keep it organized. Good Luck!

[cdad]

First off there isn't anything you can do until the baby is born in this type of situation. Is your husband claiming it was rape ? Because by your words that's what your suggesting.

Another thing you need to realize is that it may be possible in a canadian court that you are enjoined to the child regardless if you remain married to your husband or not. Be aware of this.

You need to seek a barrister and they should be able to give you a reasonable guess as to what the child support will be for your province.

[lonely_and_lost]

Recently I posted that my husband had cheated and gotten the woman pregnant, resultign in her comign back at us with completely unreasonable demands.

But as of this Saturday we found out what her due date is from the military hosbital unit, and it doesn't match up with the day he supposedly got her pregnant. If it was his, she wouldn't be due for another 2 weeks after the due date. The nurses have informed me that the doctor will give you a 40 week set due date, never less. So it doesn't match up at all, cause according to the date, he would have had to have been with her 2 weeks prior to the actual day. Don't misunderstand this, I trust him with the fact that it was only this once, there may have been problems, but that's not the issue here.

My question is this: After all the issues we have had with her, all of her demands and hurt she's caused us. How do we bring it up to her maturly that we are aware that it isn't his child? I dotn want to be shoving it in her face, because I don't want to scoop down to her level. But I want to make it clear to her as early as possible that we know.
Is there any specific way to handle this?

[N0help4u]

Why not simply demand a paternity test AT birth and the results will say it all.
In the meantime when she starts stuff simply tell her that at this time it is not open for discussion the baby isn't even born yet... click/as you hang up.

[JudyKayTee]

At this point you aren't "aware" that this is not his child. You have to wait for the child to be born and then request DNA testing. Incidentally, the only DNA tests admissible in Court are Court ordered or at a laboratory recognized by the Court.

I would say nothing until the child is born. Your husband lied to you before. Are you sure he isn't lying about the "only once" part?

I realize you also think you are pregnant so this may not be a good time for you to confront her - plus, until testing is done you have nothing conclusive to say to her.

I do notice you say "we." Legally this is your husband's problem, not yours, and you have no legal say (of course).

[Synnen]

See... the thing here is this:

Not all women have the fertility cycle that doctor's use to predict a due date.

Until you have a paternity test, ANY sex within a certain timetable around her last period--and I could be wrong, but I think it's up to 4 weeks on either side--could have resulted in pregnancy.

Once is enough--it could still be his kid.

Get a DNA test at birth.

[stevetcg]

Gestation is not an exact science and generally considered a best guess. My ex got pregnant 2 weeks and a period after we had been together... and DNA still proved the doctors wrong.

Everything is meaningless until the DNA test results are in. Also... be careful where you go with this information since it likely violates doctor confidentiality (In the US anyway... not sure about Canada) and could be both inadmissible and get the medical personnel in a lot of trouble.

[stinawords]

It is true that you really can't really say for sure that it isn't his kid just because it is two weeks off. As stated fertility is a best guess kind of thing and sperm live for three days when inside (there was actually one found hiding in the folds of a woman's vagina that was a week old).

[Curlyben]

>Threads Merged<

[andrewc24301]

Might I make a quick suggestion,

While you are waiting on this child to be born and paternity to be established, if I were you're husband, I wound't give her any money until you know for sure she is the father, however I would definitely set some money aside in the even it is proven that he is the father. Because if it does go to court, at the very least, you could have some expenses incurred during the maternity, possibly medical bills, and who knows what else, it would be nice to have some money stashed aside in the event things get ugly.

And if it turns out he is not the father, then the money you saved is yours to spend as you two see fit!

In any major situation like this I believe in saving up a little cushion money. Its why I try to keep $500 cash stuffed away someone for emergencies. Your situation may call for a bit more though.

[lonely_and_lost]

Thank you for your suggestion, very helpful like they all have been. But when it comes to money we might be owing her during maternity, we do not have to worry about that. All three of us (the other woman, my husband, and myself) are in the Canadian Forces and get all of our medical bills automatically covered as well as maternity compensations paid to us as soon as we are determined pregnant from the Military Medical Unit (Hospital).

I am aware that a paternity test is needed, and will be done at earliest possible after the baby is due. Do we pay for it 100% or is it a 50/50 since she is demanding the money? I read somewhere that if she is demanding a certain amount that she needs to provide her half of the proof thaht it is his baby, and if we don't want to pay, we also need to provide the other half of proof. Is this true?

[ordinaryguy]

I read somewhere that if she is demanding a certain amount that she needs to provide her half of the proof thaht it is his baby, and if we don't want to pay, we also need to provide the other half of proof. Is this true?

You need to consult a competent family law attorney who practices in your area. Don't do anything based on something you "read somewhere", even here on AMHD. This is a serious legal matter that will have lifelong consequences for several people, so don't mess around with amateur legal advice.

[N0help4u]

Do we pay for it 100% or is it a 50/50 since she is demanding the money?

What she demands and what you legally owe are two entirely different things.
Do not pay a dime until you know exactly what you are required to pay by law.
I would think you should wait for a court order.
If you pay and you shouldn't have it will be like getting blood from a stone to get it back.