[jenniepepsi]

Please do not mistake this for me simply being mean to my husband, or uncaring. When my husband IS sick, I care for him and I love him more than anything. I am asking for this advise with the best interest of my husband in mind.

I am considering talking to his physchiatrist (he sees him for depression) but I watned to see what you all think first.


My husband thinks he is sick.

He isn't sick. He is making himself sick (I have SEEN him do so) by shoving his fingers down his throat to make hismelf throw up.

He also has a lot of those overt symptoms that kids get when they don't want to go to school. Head hurts. Stomach hurts (even though he is perfectly all right to drink soda and eat pudding and eat hot sauce) feels dizzy. Feels tired. etc.

He behaves this way anytime I get sick. Last week I had pnumonia (I didn't spell that right) and I couldn't do a lot of house work or anything, so he had to help a lot. This made him grumpy. I know its my job to clean the house, but someone's got to do it when I can't you know?
Every time I get sick, he also becomes 'sick' and if I don't automatically give him the attention and sympathy he is looking for, he throws a fit (also typical of him)



Should I simply ignore this behavior? Or should I take it to his doctor? Could this be something seriously wrong with him mentally? I have considered munchausen syndrom, but it doesn't seem exactly the same. Or is it?

[spiritcharms]

HI this doesn't sound like a health problem, it sounds like its on an emotional level to me, trying to put my finger on it, he obvioulsy struggles that he can't care and look after you, something in that maybe that scares him, he maybe used to being looked after, by his mother or something? But not used to looking after anybody else, a case of him needing the attention somewhere along the line.

I say that with resepect by the way, was just a thought when I read your post.

[artlady]

I recall your post some time back about him having to have whatever you have. Even if it was something silly like a soda.

I wonder if this is in keeping with that equality issue he seemed to be having.

Perhaps because of his disability ,he feels compelled to mimic your behaviors,even your sickness in an effort to feel like he is on the same level as you.

I looked up mimicking behavior and found an interesting link,I think you may find it helpful.
Husband is Mimicking My Behavior…Is Something Wrong with Him?

[jenniepepsi]

HI this doesnt sound like a health problem, it sounds like its on an emotional level to me, trying to put my finger on it, he obvioulsy struggles that he can't care and look after you, something in that maybe that scares him, he maybe used to being looked after, by his mother or something? but not used to looking after anybody else, a case of him needing the attention somewhere along the line.

i say that with resepect btw, was just a thought when i read your post.

Accually that is a VERY good point, his mother, while abusive, DID shower him in attention if he was sick. I'm not a doctor, but it could be that he feelsl the only time he is 'loved' is if he is getting that type of attention?

[jenniepepsi]

I recall your post some time back about him having to have whatever you have. Even if it was something silly like a soda.

I wonder if this is in keeping with that equality issue he seemed to be having.

Perhaps because of his disability ,he feels compelled to mimic your behaviors,even your sickness in an effort to feel like he is on the same level as you.

I looked up mimicking behavior and found an interesting link,I think you may find it helpful.
Husband is Mimicking My Behavior…Is Something Wrong with Him?

Thanks for that link hon I'm going to go read it now. I might come back and edit :P

[jenniepepsi]

Thank you guys. I showed that link to my husband, and he 'hung his head in shame' and said sorry, and he promises to talk to his psychiatrist about it.

[N0help4u]

Is he into the Bible studies and so forth with you? Do you and he go to Church?
Maybe getting a Preacher to pray over him will help.


****Also there is a thing called empathy pains when a couple are so close that the other actually experiences what the other does.
My one friend had empathy labor pains when his wife was going into labor. They had like 7 kids.

[twinkiedooter]

Jennie - he sounds like a typical husband. He needs attention even when you are ill. Yep. My husband would do the same type of things. He does not need any shrink. He just needs to understand that you need some TLC when you are ill. The world does not just revolve around him and he needs to recognize that the world revolves around you sometimes as well (especially when you are ill and in bed for instance).

You must be doing way too many "things" around the house. Does he ever want to do anything around the house on his own? Hopefully if you have a lawn he mows it and not you.

[Gemini54]

Jenni, I think that what your husband is doing is slightly beyond 'typical husband' syndrome.

Speaking with his shrink is a great first step, but it sounds attention seeking to me, and related to his dysfunctional upbringing. There is something slightly 'narcissistic' about it, and he could be unconsciously mimicking what his mother used to do.

[simoneaugie]

Hey Jennie, my husband shows many of the same behaviors. He was in the birth canal too long too. His upbringing was not terribly skewed. He takes care of me when I am sick, his mother is a nurse and he learned well.

Many things, he prefers to do without my company but he has to be reminded that there are some things I prefer to do alone too. We do housework together because after years of talking about it he realizes that I need his support, logic and stamina. He works full time and I stay home because of fatigue.

Men are generally the same kind of "helpless" as our husbands are. Working it out with someone who is "different" can be reallly interesting though. It's easier in many ways! (My first marriage, with a very smart man was a trip!) But it takes time and practice along with acceptance that he is just like that.

[jenniepepsi]

Is he into the Bible studies and so forth with you? Do you and he go to Church?
Maybe getting a Preacher to pray over him will help.


****Also there is a thing called empathy pains when a couple are so close that the other actually experiences what the other does.
My one friend had empathy labor pains when his wife was going into labor. They had like 7 kids.

We used to go to church. Sadly we don't anymore due to lack of car, and him working sundays. We are trying to find one near by that we could walk or bus to on a Saturday night though.

[jenniepepsi]

Jennie - he sounds like a typical husband. He needs attention even when you are ill. Yep. My husband would do the same type of things. He does not need any shrink. He just needs to understand that you need some TLC when you are ill. The world does not just revolve around him and he needs to recognize that the world revolves around you sometimes as well (especially when you are ill and in bed for instance).

You must be doing way too many "things" around the house. Does he ever want to do anything around the house on his own? Hopefully if you have a lawn he mows it and not you.

Lol funny you should mention that. I did mow the lawn when we had one. We don't anymore we have an apartment, but we had a small yard in a condo before and I did the mowing. He doesn't really do anything unless I beg him by withholding sex :o yeah I know its terrible to use sex as a barganing chip, but it's the only thing that gets him to help me. And really all I ask is that he take the trash out and empty the litter box when it needs dumped because the giant trash bin outside our apartment is too tall for me :( I'm short.

[jenniepepsi]

Jenni, I think that what your husband is doing is slightly beyond 'typical husband' syndrome.

Speaking with his shrink is a great first step, but it sounds attention seeking to me, and related to his dysfunctional upbringing. There is something slightly 'narcissistic' about it, and he could be unconsciously mimicking what his mother used to do.

Yes his mother did it as well. She could get her period and behave as if she was dying just so he would stay home and take care of her and do everything for her.

What does narcissistic mean/

[jenniepepsi]

Hey Jennie, my husband shows many of the same behaviors. He was in the birth canal too long too. His upbringing was not terribly skewed. He takes care of me when I am sick, his mother is a nurse and he learned well.

Many things, he prefers to do without my company but he has to be reminded that there are some things I prefer to do alone too. We do housework together because after years of talking about it he realizes that I need his support, logic and stamina. He works full time and I stay home because of fatigue.

Men are generally the same kind of "helpless" as our husbands are. Working it out with someone who is "different" can be reallly interesting though. It's easier in many ways! (My first marriage, with a very smart man was a trip!) But it takes time and practice along with acceptance that he is just like that.

Yes, issac is like that, he always demands that he has his private time, but won't give me my private time. I don't even get privacy when I'm trying to go to the bathroom! He says 'your married, you don't have any privacy from me!" and I'm like WHAT??

[J_9]

Jennie, correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't your husband have a mental disability? Mild to moderate retardation I think you called it in another post.

What responsibilities DOES he have around the house? Maybe giving him more responsibility may be helpful.

[N0help4u]

Narcissistic means basically full of himself.

Inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

His mother sounds sort of like Everybody Loves Rays mother.

[Gemini54]

narcissistic means basically full of himself.

inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

His mother sounds sort of like Everybody Loves Rays mother.

Narcissistic in the psychological sense actually means, rather than full of himself, unhealthily obsessed with himself to the exclusion of others.

I like J_9's idea of providing more things for him to do that he solely has responsibility for.

Ultimately, working with a therapist on a continual basis may be the most sensible answer.

We don't have to live with him - you do - so you're probably in the best position to judge what's most appropriate.

[jenniepepsi]

Jennie, correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't your husband have a mental disability? Mild to moderate retardation I think you called it in another post.

What responsibilities DOES he have around the house? Maybe giving him more responsibility may be helpful.

Yes, he has an undefined moderate mental retardation.

I have tried making us all a chore list (with all of us on it, not just him) but he just ignored it, and I ended up doing his chores because I can't stand a dirty house. His excuse is always 'i work all day and I'm tired' and I'm sorry, but I just can't see him working SO hard that he ends up so exhasted that he can't take the trash out 10 feet from the house you know? That's just laziness. He works at walmart on the sales floor, yes he is standing all day, but he has done standing jobs since he was 17 every day 40 hours a week, and now at 32 years old, his body should have adjusted by now lol. He doesn't do any physical labor, llifting, moving, he just stands behind the desk in the electronics section and checks people out on the cash register.

Sorry, I don't mean to be complaining.



Thanks everyone for all your help :) and sorry this post got lost for so long lol

[J_9]

Jennie, he needs to understand that being a mother and housekeeper is a full time job as well. You should sit down and make a list of the chores that are not done when he gets home. This chore list should NOT vary from day to day but be structured. People with your husband's ability need to have structure, the same thing over and over every day.

Get his input. Ask what he is willing to do. If there are 12 items on the list he MUST choose 6 of these items, they need to be equal in comparison of activity.

You can't just give in and do his chores... he will never learn family responsibility this way.

Jen, my brother in law is the same way, but most likely a little worse off than your husband. I know it's frustrating, but you agreed to this marriage, you have to keep on him just like a child or you will be the one carrying the burden during your entire relationship.

[N0help4u]

Yes structure and he needs to understand that your job is just as demanding and tiring as his is. In fact yours may be more so and he is not being fair to you.
I am wondering is he using his 'problem' as an excuse to 'not comprehend' what you are asking of him?