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confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 03:13 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months. He is a wonderful guy and we have an open and honest relationship... but there are a few things that are really bothering me.

He cannot orgasm through sex... oral sex, penetration, on top, on the bottom, handjob, etc. We've tried many different things and I feel really bad because I think it's something I am doing wrong (he insists it's not me). He seems to be only able to orgasm through masturbation and even then he has to try really hard and it doesn't always work. He feels bad about not being able to too because he wants to so bad. He often comes really close to orgasm... and then loses it just seconds before completion and it's frustrating as hell for both of us. I've tried playing around while trying to remove the focus from the final outcome, often not orgasming myself so we can have fun without the pressure of having to "finish" but I don't think that has worked.

The other thing is that he CONSTANTLY watches porn. I don't have a problem with porn and would love to watch it with him but he mostly watches porn in the wee hours of the morning when I am sleeping or if I am not home. If we had an awesome sex life then I wouldn't have a problem with him watching porn ALL DAY long if he wanted... but since we have the problem noted above, I feel that all his porn watching and likely masturbation is making it more difficult to resolve the other issue. He's said he can't help it... he's addicted to porn and he watches it mostly when he's bored... but I can't help but get really upset by this because I would rather he masturbate with me around so at least I can share in his orgasm experience which he otherwise seldom has.

I know he is under a lot of stress and pressure (employment and starting up a new business) and I know that stress and depression often has a huge impact on sexual desire but we've talked and he does find me sexually attractive (I have asked on numerous occasions) and he wants to please me... but right now... the frequency of sex has decreased and seems to be dwindling.

I guess the only other thing to add is that I recently found something out that really hurt me. He never gives me oral sex... said he's not sure why but one day he will do it. Last week we talked and I finally found out the reason. He doesn't like the way the female looks. He can't stand to look at wide open and the idea of eating it or having his face near it like that grosses him out. This means that he really won't ever get around to giving me oral sex and that does bother me. I love to give my partner pleasure and that includes oral sex... but I don't hardly do it for him because it's a give and take situation. I enjoy giving him oral sex and find that often I "stop" myself from doing it because I feel it isn't fair that he gets it and I don't.

I know there are lots of points in this post... but I am just so upset... I love him and he's so good to me and we get along so well in all other aspects of our relationship... I just wish he could get over these hurdles... I wish there was something I could do to help. He is very affectionate.

Any ideas?

jenniepepsi · Jul 13, 2009, 04:04 PM

How old are you. And how old is he?

He may have erectile dysfunction. Does he have diabetes? Or any other health problem?

Is he able to masterbate to climax watching the porn?

bronzebabe · Jul 13, 2009, 04:57 PM

If he has a problem having an orgasm while watching porn, as well as thru sex, he needs to see a doctor.
Believe him when he says it isn't you. Almost every guy watches porn. They are very visual. It has nothing to do with you.
The problem seems to be with him, and that's why I suggest he see a doctor.

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 05:18 PM

Originally Posted by bronzebabe

If he has a problem having an orgasm while watching porn, as well as thru sex, he needs to see a doctor.
Believe him when he says it isn't you. Almost every guy watches porn. They are very visual. It has nothing to do with you.
The problem seems to be with him, and that's why I suggest he see a doctor.

Yeah... I have told him that... He's getting his testosterone levels checked... then we will take it from there. I have nothing against porn at all... I enjoy it. I am worried is all. He says he's been single so long and has masturbated so often that he thinks THAT could be the reason he has trouble orgasming in any other way. Makes sense except he says now he's having trouble even when I am not there which makes the problem all that much more frustrating.

Thanks for your input :)

jenniepepsi · Jul 13, 2009, 05:21 PM

I have more advise for you hon, but unfortunately I DO need to know your age. Not just site rules, but my own personal little indocrynosy (I KNOW I didn't spell that even close to the right spelling lol)

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 05:24 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

how old are you. and how old is he?

he may have erectile dysfunction. does he have diabetes? or any other health problem?

is he able to masterbate to climax watching the porn?

I am 36 and he is 38. We're checking the "health" avenue. Maybe it's stress? Depression? Medical issue? I guess I was wondering if anyone else had this problem so I didn't feel so alone.

Mister M · Jul 13, 2009, 05:29 PM

Originally Posted by confusedgirlie

Yeah.... I have told him that.... He's getting his testosterone levels checked.... then we will take it from there. I have nothing against porn at all... I enjoy it. I am worried is all. He says he's been single so long and has masturbated so often that he thinks THAT could be the reason he has trouble orgasming in any other way. Makes sense except he says now he's having trouble even when I am not there which makes the problem all that much more frustrating.

Thanks for your input :)

Too much thoughts and worries. Thoughts are giving emotions and fears that can happened. Try not to think of anything, just live the moment and feel.

artlady · Jul 13, 2009, 05:29 PM

I think he needs to lay off the porn and the masturbating and see what happens.
He may need to retrain his brain to accept sexual pleasure in a different way.
The mind body connection is very complex and it just may be that he is acclimated to only one way of getting pleasure.

Question,if he enjoys porn but finds a woman's vagina less than appealing,what is he watching porn wise?

Perhaps you could try to duplicate his porn fantasy.

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 05:29 PM

Originally Posted by confusedgirlie

I am 36 and he is 38. We're checking the "health" avenue. Maybe it's stress? Depression? Medical issue? I guess I was wondering if anyone else had this problem so I didn't feel so alone.

He has no problem getting an erection and usually no problem maintaining an erection. Sometimes we have to stop because I get a little raw from so much friction (figure if we go a little longer maybe he will ?)

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 05:32 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

I think he needs to lay off the porn and the masturbating and see what happens.
He may need to retrain his brain to accept sexual pleasure in a different way.
The mind body connection is very complex and it just may be that he is acclimated to only one way of getting pleasure.

Question,if he enjoys porn but finds a womans vagina less than appealing,what is he watching porn wise?

Perhaps you could try to duplicate his porn fantasy.

I have tried telling him to stop watching porn and not masturbating. He says that he almost never masturbates except when he is with me... sometimes I am not sure if I believe that. But I know he watches porn almost every day. The only thing I can do is put parental controls on his computer?? And then when we tries to go to a porn site and can't he will ask me what's going on and I will tell him? He did tell me a few times, jokingly, that is the only way he will stop looking at porn. Maybe I should do it and see what happens?

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 05:34 PM

Oh... he looks at all sorts of things in porn... he just doesn't like to see wide-open close-up shots of the ladies "". When he said that to me last week I started to cry because I had no idea he felt that away. Then he felt bad... said he didn't mean it the way it sounded. He's seen lots of vagina in porn and I have a very nice one... but that vagina... in general turns him off.

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 05:38 PM

Originally Posted by Mister M

Too much thoughts and worries. Thoughts are giving emotions and fears that can happened. Try not to think of anything, just live the moment and feel.

I am honestly trying... we don't talk about it often. We don't have sex too often either and I don't pressure him about it. It's there... we can't help but notice that it's there. Even if we don't talk about it... it's there. When we have sex, I usually and he loves to watch me . I suggested he masturbate with me so at least I can be part of his orgasm and that took some time for him to get used to. He is REALLY shy! Even though we live together and sleep together and have sex together and walk around naked together etc... he is still a uncomfortable masturbating with me and he doesn't know why.

Mister M · Jul 13, 2009, 05:40 PM

Originally Posted by confusedgirlie

I have tried telling him to stop watching porn and not masturbating. He says that he almost never masturbates except when he is with me.... sometimes I am not sure if I believe that. But I know he watches porn almost every day. The only thing I can do is put parental controls on his computer??? And then when we tries to go to a porn site and can't he will ask me what's going on and I will tell him? He did tell me a few times, jokingly, that is the only way he will stop looking at porn. Maybe I should do it and see what happens?

Sorry if I' m wrong and it 's hard to tell you this, but after all that you said I think the porn sites are more interesting then you(sorry about that)... So if he told you to do... "that"... why don't you give it a try ?

jenniepepsi · Jul 13, 2009, 05:41 PM

Don't lock the computer. This will cause resentment between you. I have tried this with my husband and a game caled world of warcraft. It just causes anger.

It could be any number of medical issues. Or he could be masterbating too often. Definitely time to take a break from the porn and see a doctor.

Gemini54 · Jul 13, 2009, 05:44 PM

I agree with Artlady that he may have become desensitized to having an orgasm during sex because of the visual stimulation he now requires through the porn-masturbation habit.

I suspect he needs to refocus on a real woman (i.e. you) and literally lay off the porn for a while. However, if he can't control his desire to look at it, then he's got a problem. It's not up to you to control this for him - he has to do it.

Talk to him - how important is your relationship to him? If it's important and he wants to shift his masturbation-porn addiction then he needs to take steps to do this. It's his choice, and you can't make it for him.

He's a big boy now - he can't continue to ignore your feelings and needs in the relationship - if he's seeing a doctor about his testosterone levels - then perhaps he can get a referral to a counselor.

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 05:47 PM

Originally Posted by Mister M

Sorry if I' m wrong and it 's hard to tell you this, but after all that you said i think the porn sites are more interesting then you(sorry about that)...So if he told you to do..."that"...why don't you give it a try ?

Could be... but I am way more sexually adventurous than he is. He knows this too. I don't ever push him though because I don't want to make him feel insecure. Maybe the knowledge alone makes him insecure? I don't know. I don't want to lock his computer because there should be a level of responsibility on his part to be adult enough to know that what he is doing isn't helping. I guess I could lock it... just until he notices and asks me about it. Then we can have another talk about him cooling off on the porn and masturbation for a while. We've talked about how the porn and masturbation isn't helping and he understands why I tell him not to... but then says he can't stop because when he's bored he has nothing else to do. I used to believe him... but he asked me to clear the history in his computer because he has to bring his laptop to work and I checked the history and it's not like he's surfing the web for hours and then is so bored he looks at porn. Most of his porn history is first thing as soon as he logs on to the computer in the morning. (sigh)

Mister M · Jul 13, 2009, 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by confusedgirlie

we don't talk about it often. We don't have sex too often either ... He is REALLY shy! Even though we live together and sleep together and have sex together and walk around naked together etc.... he is still a uncomfortable masturbating with me and he doesn't know why.

Try to start a discussion with him... If he is shy then you got to do the next move. Talk to him and show him that you care. You should be like a teacher for him... That's my advise..

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

I agree with Artlady that he may have become desensitized to having an orgasm during sex because of the visual stimulation he now requires through the porn-masturbation habit.

I suspect he needs to refocus on a real woman (i.e. you) and literally lay off the porn for a while. However, if he can't control his desire to look at it, then he's got a problem. It's not up to you to control this for him - he has to do it.

Talk to him - how important is your relationship to him? If it's important and he wants to shift his masturbation-porn addiction then he needs to take steps to do this. It's his choice, and you can't make it for him.

He's a big boy now - he can't continue to ignore your feelings and needs in the relationship - if he's seeing a doctor about his testosterone levels - then perhaps he can get a referral to a counselor.

He often says that... he's masturbated for so long he can't any other way. I know it stresses him out because he WANTS to when we have sex... and he can't. I think this makes him even more depressed :(

jenniepepsi · Jul 13, 2009, 05:51 PM

While it DOES happen that men find porn more attractive than their lovers, its not the only reason, and its definitely not the first thing you should look to. Most of the time, if a man is no longer sexually atracted to you, he LEAVES. Especially if he isn't married to you, and isn't 'stuck' in the relationship know what I mean?

confusedgirlie · Jul 13, 2009, 05:53 PM

Oh... I just noticed that when I write the word ( c u m ) it doesn't show up in my posts! I am reading them and thinking to myself "hey!!! I forgot the word" but I know I wrote it!