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lillyallen234 · Jul 11, 2009, 02:57 AM

I already saw a similar question but it didn't really help me so I thought maybe this could be better.
I am in a serious relationship for almost 2 years. He is great,I love him,he loves me and we understand each other perfectly. Earlier in the relationship, while he was out, I wanted to find some movies on his computer to watch and stumbled upon various folders of porn. There are pics and vids in various folders AND subfolders. I couldn't believe how much he had. I though he might have enjoyed himself while he was single. I was actually OK with it-better that than paying hookers or having 1 night stands. So after awhile,when we started living together, I was looking for some web page in the history (closed it by accident and needed it ASAP) and noticed weird pages and sites. Some Facebook,YouTube related, others to porn sites.For months I kept quiet about it since I thought we have busy jobs so it's natural both of us aren't satisfied(you know,come back from work,we're tired,we go to sleep). But it's going on for far too long.

Recently he has been tired during the nights,says he doesn't sleep well. I checked history and saw he spent 4-5h on the net viewing porns,sex groups(on fb,he's not a member ,just watches pics&vids) and other related stuff.
Problem no.1: it starts interfering with our lifestyle e.g. during the weekends he sleeps 'till noon or later to catch up on sleep(and we had planned to do things in the morning so we can go somewhere together after).
Problem no.2 (which I don't know if it is related to the porn and masturbation process) Since recently we have more time, I wanted frequently sex. And he didn't. I thought he was maybe stressed or tired but he said he can't now,''save it for tonight''. But in the night nothing,like he forgot. And now he's watching porn and stuff even though we could have regular sex. I think he's maybe avoiding me.
So people PLEASE tell me what you think of this situation. I though he was more attracted to me than the porn start but I'm really starting to ask myself questions. Everything in the relationship is great except for his masturbation/porn stuff which he think's I don't know a thing about.

danielnoahsmommy · Jul 11, 2009, 03:37 AM

Sound like a porn addiction. Don't blame yourself. It has nothing to do with you. This is his problem, he must address it. The first step in any addictive situation is to admit he has a problem! Has he done that?

lillyallen234 · Jul 11, 2009, 06:32 AM

I am not sure weather he is an addict but he has not mentioned it like that or any other way. I am thinking about talking to him about it but I am afraid he'll become distanced from me. I don't know if we ever touched the porn movies thing or masturbation in our talk topics. Usually when we see porns on TV he moves along as though it's boring program. And he said he is one of those guys who don't take sex as the most important brick in the relationship. What kind of approach should I make? I don't wan't to throw away everything else we have.

s_cianci · Jul 11, 2009, 07:22 AM

He seems to have an unhealthy obsession with the porn and masturbation stuff. And that makes for an unhealthy "relationship." I'm sorry but it doesn't sound good to me.

lillyallen234 · Jul 11, 2009, 07:54 AM

If it really is an addiction should I try to talk to him or should I immediately make him decide 'porn or me'? If I tell him I know about it he'll know I've been checking his web history. And that's a bad start,I guess. I don't even know how to start talking to him about it. I'm just so sick of being rejected again and again,I need to do something about it right now,but I don't know where to start.

excon · Jul 11, 2009, 08:03 AM

Originally Posted by lillyallen234

Recently he has been tired during the nights,says he doesn't sleep well. I checked history and saw he spent 4-5h on the net viewing porns

Hello l:

On the scale of right and wrong, snooping into his stuff is about 10 times worse than his whacking off.

The fact of the matter is, you don't have a SEX problem. You have a COMMUNICATION problem.

excon

lillyallen234 · Jul 11, 2009, 08:21 AM

Originally Posted by excon

snooping into his stuff is about 10 times worse than his whacking off
you don't have a SEX problem. You have a COMMUNICATION problem

excon

I'm not saying snooping is good but him lying to me that he just couldn't sleep because of some noise while whacking off in the next room is much worse,at least from my point of view.
And turning me down 'cause he's not in the mood for me but he's in a mood for porns is really upsetting. All I need advice on is how should I try to talk to him,or should I just try and forget all about,ignore it,and live with it.
What is the best way to start communicating about it? An therefore solving the problem. Note this even though it maybe solely a communication problem it is affecting my sexual life. Or should I start doing his thing too,and like that we'll both be happy?

excon · Jul 11, 2009, 08:28 AM

Originally Posted by lillyallen234

What is the best way to start communicating about it? An therefore solving the problem. Note this even though it maybe solely a communication problem it is affecting my sexual life. Or should I start doing his thing too,and like that we'll both be happy?

Hello l:

I don't know how your communications are going to turn out. Maybe he'll turn off the computer and spend all his time in the sack with you. Or, maybe you're start digging porn. Who knows where communications leads, except to a better understanding of what's going on.

The best way to start, is start. Tell him that you snooped, and what you've found - and let the communications begin. Look, you may find out that you're not compatible. Ok, then find it out.

excon

Catsmine · Jul 11, 2009, 08:59 AM

A way to open the conversation would be to find some porn he hasn't seen yet and ask him about it, is it interesting, is it hot, is it boring. Ask if he wants to try something you found in his history (providing it's safe, sane and consensual) or something like that.

That opens the door to discussing how much, when, why not me, etc.

jenniepepsi · Jul 11, 2009, 06:32 PM

Definitely TALK TALK TALK. Let him know how its bothering you. Even the most loving and devoted husband won't know something bothers you if you don't tell you. He may be perfectly willing to give it up for you .

321543 · Jul 11, 2009, 08:39 PM

Maybe you need to come clean, tell him you was a snoop, and you have been spying on him, Ask is there something he would like to teach you that you haven't learned yet. Bring him back to bed honey, and keep him there. Before it's to late for good.

zippit · Jul 11, 2009, 09:49 PM

Not liking the adice so far
First snooping is nothing compared to a porn crazed partner neglecting you,its your right to snoop especially if you share a computer and he isn't smart enough to erase his stuff,I mean if its right there that's not snooping geez get real.
Second porn addiction has been and well so likened to heroin addiction in fact its close to being the largest treated desiese in rehab passing up drugs,its serious.. but
And here's the big hairy but..
Don't ruin everything over it especially since you guys haven't addressed this issue yet.try to find some on the computer,like when you pulled up what you saw and just calmly go to him <timeing is everything make sure there's not a bunch of other isssues on the plate.>
And talk about it and in that talk ask him am I not enough for you? Do you need this stuff? And tell him how it makes you feel.I wouldn't stress your sex life because if it works and he cuts it out your sex will naturally get better.
This is coming from a been there done that guy,<dont make me tell the story but I cut it out and we are fine now,although she didn't address it the way I am telling you she kind of went ballistic and it took months to get it right.if you do this right it might only take weeks lol

zippit · Jul 11, 2009, 10:00 PM

Introduce him to amhd

Mr Picky · Jul 11, 2009, 11:33 PM

Well, for me I'm 19 and I do watch porn. Now one idea that came to my mind is well.. You two have been dating for awhile and over time the sexual spark can go.(Not that it can't be lit up again. Your going to have to get him off the porn, but not in a forceful way. Intice him. Ask him of fantasies he's had and try and experience them with him. Don't ask if him if he'd like to have sex while he watches porn because that would be mean to you. Plus hey if I could watch porn and get the same feeling I get from sex why would I care about pleasing my partner. Try new positions( They don't have to be ridiculous ones.) If he's in control when you have sex see if you can take control, he might like it. Or vice versa. I hope this helps.

j_ely823 · Jul 11, 2009, 11:37 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

not liking the adice so far
first snooping is nothing compared to a porn crazed partner neglecting you,its your right to snoop especially if you share a computer and he isnt smart enough to erase his stuff,i mean if its right there thats not snooping geez get real.
second porn addiction has been and well so likened to heroin addiction in fact its close to being the largest treated desiese in rehab passing up drugs,its serious..but
and heres the big hairy but..
dont ruin everything over it especially since you guys havent addresed this issue yet.try to find some on the computer,like when you pulled up what you saw and just calmly go to him <timeing is everything make sure theres not a bunch of other isssues on the plate.>
and talk about it and in that talk ask him am i not enough for you? do you need this stuff? and tell him how it makes you feel.i wouldnt stress your sex life becuse if it works and he cuts it out your sex will naturally get better.
this is coming from a been there done that guy,<dont make me tell the story but i cut it out and we are fine now,although she didnt address it the way i am telling you she kinda went ballistic and it took months to get it right.if you do this right it might only take weeks lol

YOU AND I ARE ON THE SAME PAGE ^^: Now as for the OP, I had a similar situation with my boyfriend. Only mine was smart enough to erase it, he did however store it in folders. I told him how it made me feel initially but he didn't seem to fully understand it. Then we started having more and more issues some pertaining to the porn thing and my subsequent insecurities, and some other things... but anyway I told him that I didn't like it. It made me feel as if I alone didn't satisfy him and him needding to look elsewhere for it was a slap in the face. He told me he would stop for me because he loved me and didn't want me to think less of him or myself... so he really stopped. And that's what a real man does. Just tell him. Be soft about it. Don't be cross. But if it helps channel the pain that it has caused you so he will not only hear your words but maybe feel them to. Know that even though it maybe an addiction his love and respect for you and your feelings should overpower it if he really LOVES and NEEDS you

excon · Jul 12, 2009, 05:35 AM

Originally Posted by zippit

not liking the adice so far
first snooping is nothing compared to a porn crazed partner neglecting you,its your right to snoop especially if you share a computer and he isnt smart enough to erase his stuff,i mean if its right there thats not snooping geez get real.
second porn addiction has been and well so likened to heroin addiction in fact its close to being the largest treated desiese in rehab passing up drugs,its serious.

Hello z:

Please show us some statistics that show porn addiction is bigger than drugs... I don't think you can.

Besides, snooping, is snooping, is snooping. If she fixes his porn thing, and she still snoops, the relationship is still broken.

excon

zippit · Jul 12, 2009, 11:04 AM

I said porn addiction is almost over coming drug addiction and I didn't say this but will in high end rehab centers

zippit · Jul 12, 2009, 11:06 AM

I'm EX this is where we will have to agree to dis-agree I think simple snooping is healthy in any relationship,business,personal you name it.I want to know who I'm dealing with.its just me and no slight on you'r part.

JudyKayTee · Jul 12, 2009, 06:46 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

i said porn addiction is almost over coming drug addiction and i didnt say this but will in high end rehab centers

I'd like to see the statistics on this.

As far as snooping goes - I often work on surveillances. Do you know what I tell a person who wants his/her partner followed? If it's gone this far, get out. If you have lost all trust, get out. Doesn't matter what I find out. The trust is gone, the relationship is over.

I would rather live with someone addicted to porn than someone who found it necessary to snoop and spy on me. I had a husband, not a second father.

I am a little confused by your post that you had a similar problem and things are fine now in light of this post - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...th-360516.html.

zippit · Jul 13, 2009, 03:01 AM

Judy come on..
So your telling me that hiring P.I. to track you'r partner is the same as uggg opening up a web-history page?
We'er talking about simple snooping,not survielance please