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zippit · Jul 13, 2009, 03:20 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I am a little confused by your post that you had a similar problem and things are fine now in light of this post - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...th-360516.html.

Again.apples and oranges that post is what I'm dealing with now the sexual thing was handled after we first got married 99"
Thanks for going out of you'r way to TRY and make me look like a hipocrite though I appreciate that,but I didn't work:eek:

zippit · Jul 13, 2009, 03:25 AM

Also judy things have gotten a little better since that post ,so if I say things are good that makes me a liar?

Synnen · Jul 13, 2009, 05:37 AM

Originally Posted by zippit

im EX this is where we wil have to agree to dis-agree i think simple snooping is healthy in any relationship,business,personal you name it.I want to know who im dealing with.its just me and no slight on you'r part.

Got to disagree with this. If you can't trust your partner, then you don't HAVE a relationship.

smoothy · Jul 13, 2009, 05:52 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Gotta disagree with this. If you can't trust your partner, then you don't HAVE a relationship.

I agree with you, I'd also take offense to any woman that was sneeking around spying on me as well.

Sleep depravation is a real thing... I can relate to his sleeping in when not working, but have you tried adjusting your sleep schedule to get more hours during the week.

If he would rather spank the monkey then have sex with you, then the relationship has issues, I can't say WHAT the issue is, just that there are issues that have not be vocalised by him, have you talked to him about it yet? And if when you just aren't in the mood for sex then you have no right to tell him he can't spank it to relieve the need.

JudyKayTee · Jul 13, 2009, 06:22 AM

Originally Posted by zippit

again.apples and oranges that post is what im dealing with now the sexual thing was handled after we first got married 99"
thanks for going out of you'r way to TRY and make me look like a hipocrite though i appreciate that,but i didnt work:eek:

It is not uncommon - in fact it's pretty standard practice - to look at other posts in order to determine where someone is coming from, to help evaluate advice. Very often people post one thing on one thread and something else on another.

You are attempting to define what a "healthy relationship" is. You believe it includes spying and snooping. I don't. I wanted to see what else you have to say about marriage and why you are of that opinion.

I didn't try to make you look like anything other than what you are. Our posts speak for all of us.

I simply don't see the point of posting personal advice and experience on one thread which contradicts personal advice and experience on another.

And, yes, I think hiring someone to snoop and doing it yourself are the same thing.

I also think if you are going to snoop, be prepared for what you MIGHT find. This thread is a perfect example of that. She snooped, now she doesn't know what to do.

jodie123 · Jul 13, 2009, 08:34 AM

Maybe he genuinely can't sleep... I had a boyfriend who suffered from persistent insomnia, he also had a substantial porn collection as it would help him relieve the frustration of not being able to sleep, However if he would rather masturbate to porn then have intercourse with you, then he is being lazy and not considering your needs or feelings.

You need to talk to him, admit what you found and try to use it to your advantage... it could spice things up a bit.

jenniepepsi · Jul 13, 2009, 09:48 AM

I have to spread the rep judy, but good point about snooping and not liking what you find.

Chey5782 · Jul 13, 2009, 10:17 AM

Honestly, I read this and I didn't like the ay most of the answers were put either. So here's my 2 cents honey...

Ok, so you snooped. I've done it myself when I felt like something was off in my relationship. So let me tell you from a seasoned girlfriend and now wife. Stop! Right now! While you may have a great relationship, a thing like checking up on him because you are feeling insecure and noticing changes is not healthy for either of you.

If him checking out the pornies when you aren't around is bothering you enough to ask strangers about it online, you probably already know you need to talk to him about it. Asking if you should force him to choose is basically saying you have already decided the porn is a no-go area in your relationship. I'd suggest not doing that either. If you love him, you need to try to keep a very open mind when talking to him about it, remember, he has no idea that you know, so when you pounce him with the discussion, he won't be thrilled.

No one likes being called out on things we do privately, even by our significant others. It can be humiliating, and because he's never talked about it with you, "acted like its boring", when you flip by it on TV. He probably sees it as a faux pas. Try to keep those things in mind when you talk to him.

As for the amount of time he has spent doing this lately. It can easily become an addiction, I am not certified to guess if it is or not, but if it interferes in HIS daily life, then it's not so healthy. Just be aware that up to this point if has been his decision, and isn't an issue you should feel insecure about. (Yeah, I know, not very comforting.)

I do agree that it's become, at least for you since he has no clue, a communication issue. Because you are seeking advice you do clearly want to discuss it, so take a step out of the box and give him the benefit of the doubt. For him it may be another issue entirely, one that you haven't thought of, wouldn't that be an easier answer? Chances are, it's more complicated than that, but you won't amend anything cooling your heels and mulling it over. Talk to him, replace the trust by not allowing yourself to search out the irregularities, and if you do both of those and it doesn't work... Try giving him a b/j under the computer desk one night. (That was a poor attempt at humor, unless it works, then I accept all credit for the idea and an righteous.)

I hope this helps you clear your head over it. I have been there, and it does suck. But I meant what I said about replacing the trust, now that you have looked for answers without talking, you are going to have to do some work too. Just don't let him off the hook with a flimsy answer.

Dinnymurf · Jul 13, 2009, 05:59 PM

Hi Lilly, This might be a possibility, When men look at porn they see all sorts of kinky stuff going on in them, different positions, kinky stuff ETC; Maybe he likes a lot of what he sees in those movies, and is obviously masturbating, and fantasising at what he sees, he is more likely imagining that its you he is having all that wonderful sex with and then comes. This is the crunch part then, he may be afraid to ask you to join in with him in those possible vile acts of sex, thinking you would refuse or be disgusted with him. Ask him is he kinky. A lot of people are kinky but don't tell their partners. Good Luck to you both.

JudyKayTee · Jul 13, 2009, 06:50 PM

Originally Posted by Dinnymurf

Hi Lilly, This might be a possibility, When men look at porn they see all sorts of kinky stuff going on in them, different positions, kinky stuff ETC; Maybe he likes a lot of what he sees in those movies, and is obviously masturbating, and fantasising at what he sees, he is more likely imagining that its you he is having all that wonderful sex with and then comes. This is the crunch part then, he may be afraid to ask you to join in with him in those possible vile acts of sex, thinking you would refuse or be disgusted with him. Ask him is he kinky. A lot of people are kinky but dont tell their partners. Good Luck to you both.

Vile acts of sex? What do you consider to be kinky and/or vile?

What is your reference for the "most likely" opinion that he is picturing her when he's watching porno and masturbating?

Chey5782 · Jul 13, 2009, 08:28 PM

Originally Posted by Dinnymurf

Hi Lilly, This might be a possibility, When men look at porn they see all sorts of kinky stuff going on in them, different positions, kinky stuff ETC; Maybe he likes a lot of what he sees in those movies, and is obviously masturbating, and fantasizing at what he sees, he is more likely imagining that its you he is having all that wonderful sex with and then comes. This is the crunch part then, he may be afraid to ask you to join in with him in those possible vile acts of sex, thinking you would refuse or be disgusted with him. Ask him is he kinky. A lot of people are kinky but dont tell their partners. Good Luck to you both.

Sorry, but as a fan of porn since I could get away with watching the darn stuff, I have to disagree. Sometimes it really is just a sick morbid fascination with watching. But that's my own experience. Who's to say he even thinks it's so wonderful, or would want to do some of those things in real life. Honestly, the first time I saw fis7ing I freaked out for a week and didn't want to even think about being sexual with my partner. It can be like watching the discovery health channel... You just can't stop watching. It may not be the case, but you should be aware that this is something that could happen, when it starts to become an addiction it can be much the same. Even if you want to stop, you just can't help it.

As for the kink factor, you have a better idea than anyone else if he is a kinkster or not, but I am still going with my other answer, take a deep breath honey, and talk to him openly. Sex is never vile if it is safe, sane, and consensual. MANY of us *looks around and grins* consider this term differently, it's all about how you define it for you.

smoothy · Jul 14, 2009, 05:28 AM

Originally Posted by Dinnymurf

Hi Lilly, This might be a possibility, When men look at porn they see all sorts of kinky stuff going on in them, different positions, kinky stuff ETC; Maybe he likes a lot of what he sees in those movies, and is obviously masturbating, and fantasising at what he sees, he is more likely imagining that its you he is having all that wonderful sex with and then comes. This is the crunch part then, he may be afraid to ask you to join in with him in those possible vile acts of sex, thinking you would refuse or be disgusted with him. Ask him is he kinky. A lot of people are kinky but dont tell their partners. Good Luck to you both.

You need to expand on what you consider kinky... to many women that is anything outside of missionary position :confused:(yeah I've known women like that), while to others that might involve farm animals.:eek:

zippit · Jul 14, 2009, 02:56 PM

I'm sorry but I'm stuck on the snooping deal
I can't believe the ones who are against it,and comparing it to hiring p.I. and stalking can back up they're claims.
Let me ask this if snooping is a sign that you don't trust someone and therefore your relationship is invalid,than how do you get to the point of trusting someone?
Another words your dating you don't know them from adam in time you have a relationship are you just going to take everything this person says as truth or I know your going to follow your own heart right judy?
Bullcrap.snooping is how you keep a relationship honest,its how you know your mate is right with you and for you.
My guesse is the ones who have a proublem with snooping are single I'm not sure and it dopesnt really matter.
Just someone tell me how your going to know your dealing with a upstanding,straight person without a little snooping

TheGentleman · Jul 14, 2009, 03:01 PM

Originally Posted by danielnoahsmommy

sound like a porn addiction. Dont blame yourself. it has nothing to do with you. this is his problem, he must address it. the first step in any addictive situation is to admit he has a problem! Has he done that?

Yeah the man loves his porn you got to bring it o him and show that's your realer than the girls there , etc.

Synnen · Jul 14, 2009, 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

im sorry but im stuck on the snooping deal
i can't beleive the ones who are against it,and comparing it to hiring p.i.,and stalking can back up they're claims.
let me ask this if snooping is a sign that you dont trust someone and therefore your realtionship is invalid,than how do you get to the point of trusting someone?
another words your dating you dont know them from adam in time you have a relationship are you just going to take everything this person says as truth or i know your going to follow your own heart right judy?
bullcrap.snooping is how you keep a relationship honest,its how you know your mate is right with you and for you.
my guesse is the ones who have a proublem with snooping are single im not sure and it dopesnt really matter.
just someone tell me how your going to know your dealing with a upstanding,straight person without a little snooping

I'm married. Have been for 8 years. Have been with that man for 13 years.

How do I know I'm dealing with an upstanding, straight person without snooping? By trusting that person until they betray that trust. That has something to do with what they SAY, but MORE to do with what their ACTIONS say about them.

I don't know my husband's email password--but if I asked for it for some reason, he'd give it to me. I don't know his Blackberry password, either--but I know if I asked for it, he'd hand it over.

You learn about people BY trusting them. If you HAVE to snoop to learn about someone, well... that says something negative about YOUR personality.

zippit · Jul 14, 2009, 03:22 PM

Well I'm talking about snooping and I bet if your husband was to talk you have done some sort of snooping,this a made to look way more than it is,I'm talking about inocent snooping.

Synnen · Jul 14, 2009, 03:25 PM

What are you calling "innocent snooping"?

Seriously--to me, you either trust someone or you don't.

If you don't--why are you with that person in a relationship anyway?

Tell me FIVE examples of "innocent" snooping.

zippit · Jul 14, 2009, 03:32 PM

Let me say this.if you read this whole post I got sucked into the snooping thing my defending the o.p.'s act of looking into something that was right there in front of her face on the computer,she didn't snoop in my book.if you and I share a computer and I come to it and a page is up and I read it if you want to call that snooping so be it.however since this post I was thinking of snooping and I agree with the comments of a lot of the non-snoops i.e. trust being the cornerstone of a happy marriage.so I asked myself
Hey dumb dumb what snooping do you do if your going to defend it and I actually don't do any I don't know if it's that I don't care,or I trust her I think when we were first dating I did lets say verify something's but let me leave my side of it here,I guesse after you;ve gotten to know someone and accepted them into your circle than snooping is in-appropriate.

excon · Jul 14, 2009, 03:57 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

let me say this.if you read this whole post i got sucked into the snooping thing my defending the o.p.'s act of looking into something that was right there in front of her face

Hello again, z:

Yeah, I'm the one who sucked you in too. I understand minimizing what you call innocent snooping. However, it might becoming apparent to you that not everybody snoops, even a little bit - ever.

I think trust issues far and away are more important that sex issues... Trust is like pregnant. You either have it, or you don't. There ain't no middle ground. Once it's gone, it's gone forever.

In fact, trust, or the lack thereof, might just be at the heart of sexual issues. I, for one, think it is. So, I don't think it's innappropriate for people here to be honing in on those things.

I did kind of blind side you with it, and you've been a good sport about it. I think some good came out of this - for everybody.

excon

bizygurl · Jul 14, 2009, 04:11 PM

I think sometimes people can go through periods of having the urge to snoop on their significant other. I get those little urges with my fiancee' but I don't do it, just not worth it, because I really do trust him. He talks to friends online,who belong to an art communtiy and he has men as well as woman friends in this communtily, and there is that "curiosity" factor to know what they are talking about. I know mostly its about art, but sometimes I do wonder... but he has never given me a reason to NOT trust him. That's the difference. He is very open and honest with me about what he talks to his female friends online.. and from what he says its innocent. I could never imagine myself snooping. Because I wouldn't want him to snoop around on me, that would be devastating and it would show some things about the kind of relationship we had. We can say all we want about a little snooping never hurt anything, but that's usually all fine and good until its done to you. I can't imagine ANYONE in any relationship wanting to be snooped on.

Im from the old school belief that I trust you till you give me a reason not to. That goes for friendships as well as relationships.

Trust is a main component to a relationship, without it you have nothing.. and once its gone its impossible to get it back. ITs better to start a relationship trusting a person then going into it with your hackles up.