[GOPHER2009]

Hello,

Me and my ex were together for 5 years I broke it off initially after 1 year because I didn't know whether we were right for each other and I wanted to pursue somebody I worked with. Then after 3 months of soul searching we both decided to give our relationship another go because we felt what we had before was meaningful. Those 3 years were amazing we both feel deeply in love with each other and had an amazing time together, going on trips sharing our own silly voice together and just generally realising that we were meant to be together for ever!

Then she met somebody new, to me this was out of the blue but I now know that she had been thinking of it for a while before I realised and I just couldn't see what was happening. Anyway because I love her I wanted her to be happy and allowed her to pursue this other relationship and began to move on with my life (even though I was heartbroken). We continued to talk via text and over Facebook and 6 months later (while she was still with this other guy) and I was sleeping with somebody new, we decided to go out for a meal. The old sparks came flying back and we once again got involved and fell in love again.

It was perfect for 9 further months until I started to see a change in her again and she then told me in bed one night ( the sex had completley dried up by the way) that she had started finding a work friend sexually attractive and that it wasn't right for her to be having these feelings again for somebody else. She told me that she loved me as a best friend but wasn't in love with me, and that the spark had gone again! I Truly am in love with her so once again I have told her I love you I want you to be happy, and I feel like I have lost myself in our relationship. So that brings me up to present day, I have not contacted her for 2 days, we took a break again 5 days ago. MY HEART IS BROKEN AGAIN, I don't know what to do I can't eat for gods sake!

I am 26 and she is 27 we have never lived together however just 2 months ago we were discussing marriage, children, and moving in! How can this happen so quick? Sorry that this is so long and I hope you can advise me on what to do! I know she still has deep love for me but is not IN love with me. Can this relationship be saved? Should I want to save it? How do I move forward? Is she really my soulmate or is that just my heart talking? Will she continue to want other men? I kills me to know that somebody else gets to stroke her hair, kiss her forehead, cuddle her all night, and share laughs with her.

Many Thanks

[N0help4u]

What good is saving the relationship when every time she feels like it she bails out?

If she is so immature that she has to jump at every guy that she gets infatuated with where will that leave you standing if you keep taking her back?

She is not thinking commitment, your feelings, your stablity, your future, she is being self centered and its all about her.

She wants the best of both worlds and it leaves you out in the cold.

Find someone that really cares.

Actually my neighbors girlfriend is like that. When he met her she was pregnant and they got together. Over the years she kept leaving him to be with other guys.
Three babies later none of them are his and he keeps taking her back.

[slapshot_oi]

Can this relationship be saved? should i want to save it? how do i move forward? is she really my soulmate or is that just my heart talking? will she continue to want other men? i kills me to know that somebody else gets to stroke her hair, kiss her forehead, cuddle her all night, and share laughs with her.

Don't try to save this one and go through the same routine again. She's 27 and still doesn't know what she wants.

Life is temptation and the test is learning to resist it, she's weak and unwilling to do that; do you really want to marry someone like this? Her next boyfriend will go through the same pains as you.

Ignore her from here on out, pretend she's dead.

By the way:

i broke it off initially after 1 year because i didn't know whether or not we were right for each other...

You did this for a reason, you knew something wasn't right form the start. Always, always listen to your gut.

[GOPHER2009]

Thanks guys, but I can't seem to get over the fact that I think did something wrong during the realationship, like didn't always act myself! Maybe I am not good enough for her! But it shouldn't be like that I should be thinking she is not good enough for me! But I cant. And I want to rectify all my wrong doings!!

[I wish]

Thanks guys, but i can't seem to get over the fact that i think did something wrong during the realationship, like didn't always act my self!! maybe i am not good enough for her!! but it shouldn't be like that i should be thinking she is not good enough for me!! but i cant. and i want to rectify all my wrong doings!!!

It's possible that you could have done things differently, but that's in the past. In relationships, both people involved should realize that we can't change the past, we can only focus on the future and making ourselves and the relationship stronger. One of the most important aspects of a relationship is to continue to work together to build a happy relationship.

She is no longer showing these qualities. The fact that she's ready to open her heart to another guy means that she's ready to let you go. Maybe you feel as though she's still hanging on to you. If she is, you're just be backup. If she can't find someone better, she will come crawling back to you. Is that what you want? To be her safety net? Who knows when she will go out wondering around for another new guy again.

It's time to put yourself first. Do what's best for you. This was an unhealthy relationship. There's no more trust or security in this relationship. It's time to let go of her and move on with your life.

[jolienoire]

Yo-Yo relationship,

After she is with you for a while she shuts down emotionally. It's a pattern for you and her, and when it doesn't work out with her other relationships, she's back in the sack with you again.

Hey every time she peaks an interest in someone she wants to take a shot. Doesn't sound too much to me like she wants to be in a deep committed relationship with you.

Breaking up over and over again is rarely ever a good thing, It tells me that it lacks something.
SO you may have chemistry,Convenience, but lack the necessary communication, and interest to keep the sparks going.

Is this your idea of a romantic, great relationship? On, and off, on and off.

Breakup to make up, love isn't suppose to hurt that much.

You are so use to it, that you Substitute this for a normal relationship.

It isn't in fact it is
Toxic, toxic, toxic.

[GOPHER2009]

This could be true as I have never been in another relationship before, I have had a few flings before we met but this was definitley the first Love for me. She tells me that she has never loved anyone like she loves me!

So because this is my first real relationship I have nothing to judge against, she told me that this new guy is the same as I was when we first met! Which breaks my heart because I will never be able to be THAT guy again with her.

Does everybody truly believe that we will never work and she will continue to think the grass is greener? I keep thinking about how perfect it used to be!

Thanks

[I wish]

One of the main problems of first serious relatonships is that the people involved may not see the signs of when to call it quits.

You're definitely having that problem. There are too many obstacles for you to be happy with you. You might have happy times here and there, but the overall relationship is very unstable.

It's not about the grass being greener elsewhere. It's about YOU and HER and how it's best if you go your separate ways.

When you're talking about the grass being greener elsewhere, it just means that you feel the need to have a girlfriend and can't bare the thought of being single.

1) Realize that things aren't going to work out with her, because of all the reasons we've listed.

2) Be single and recover from the breakup

3) When you have recovered and feel refreshed and learned from all your mistakes, then go out and find someone.

But it's not about grass being greener elsewhere, because when you meet someone new, it's unfair to constantly compare them to your ex. They are a compeltely different person and they deserve to have a clean slate instead of being compared to a standard that you artificially created.

[jolienoire]

This could be true as i have never been in another relationship before, i have had a few flings before we met but this was definitley the first Love for me. She tells me that she has never loved anyone like she loves me!

So because this is my first real relationship i have nothing to judge against, she told me that this new guy is the same as i was when we first met!! which breaks my heart because i will never be able to be THAT guy again with her.

Does everybody truly believe that we will never work and she will continue to think the grass is greener? I keep thinking about how perfect it used to be!!

Thanks

This relationship is far from perfect, You need to take a step back to see the clearer picture. Let those tears wipe your eyes clean so you can see better.

She is looking for a constant spark, once it fizzles, your extinguished. You would have to keep a lot going on to keep her interested. And she can't seek that from you anymore, so She's on to something better.

It is just what type of person she is, You can't change her. You accepted that in this relationship so it is normal for her.

You lower your standard in this relationship, and now you created a relationship that keeps
Going in the same vicious circle.
A loving relationship is reciprocated, and takes two people to contribute. It may have been your first love, but it won't be your last.

Don't get into a new relationship but take time to work on yourself.

[jolienoire]

One of the main problems of first serious relatonships is that the people involved may not see the signs of when to call it quits.

.

Had to spread the rep but you are absolutely right, he doesn't know when to call it quits. He better learn, because he will end up in the same spot over and over again.

Insanity is when you do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That is what his relationship is.

[GOPHER2009]

Thanks you are saying what I think I subconciously already know! It is nice to know that you get where I'm coming from!

The thing that makes the situation a whole lot more hurtful is that she has manic depression which she takes medication for. I have been her rock when she has been totally down and I have been able to give her freedom when she is high, I think she s 'normal' at the moment.

And I KNOW that if she comes back to me either really down or up I will find it really hard not to take her back. If I told her that I want to be my own man for a while and find myself again and better myself for me, is there a chance we can make it. Or will she always act on impulse because that's the way she is.

Once again thanks for your advise you are all angels for helping others like this!!

[jolienoire]

Thanks you are saying what i think i subconciously already know!! it is nice to know that you get where im coming from!!

the thing that makes the situation a whole lot more hurtful is that she has manic depression which she takes medication for. i have been her rock when she has been totally down and i have been able to give her freedom when she is high, i think she s 'normal' at the moment.

and i KNOW that if she comes back to me either really down or up i will find it really hard not to take her back. if i told her that i want to be my own man for a while and find myself again and better myself for me, is there a chance we can make it. Or will she always act on impulse because thats the way she is.

once again thanks for your advise you are all angels for helping others like this!!!

You've been there for her and she should be there for you, but if she doesn't then it means that she has conditional love for you versus unconditional, and you want someone who understands you.

I mean, she may not understand but your goal is for your own self-improvement not hers, and if you take the time to work on yourself instead of a unstable relationship.You will realize your full potential and see that you want someone complimentary not supplementary.


The only respect you should be worried about is your own respect for yourself.
It doesn't matter what she thinks, she made the decision to be with someone else let her live with the consequences.

[I wish]

if i told her that i want to be my own man for a while and find myself again and better myself for me, is there a chance we can make it. Or will she always act on impulse because thats the way she is.

Don't get so far ahead of yourself. One thing at the time. If you want to be alone for a while to find yourself and make yourself a better person, then do that. By the time you've found yourself and made yourself a better person, you might not even want her back anymore.

So don't think so far ahead. I know that you are not ready to let her go. It's been 5 years of ups and downs and you've been deeply part of each other's lives. So you can't let each other go overnight. But for now, just focus on yourself. These things take time. Don't rush or plan so far ahead when it comes to healing from a breakup. Take it 1 day and 1 step at the time in terms of healing.

[GOPHER2009]

This is more difficult than it sounds though isn't it!! How do I prevent myself from taking her back. Not that she is contacting me or anything but if she did!! How would I be able to want to be there for her.

Why did I have to fall in love with somebody I was so confident, arrogant, cocky before we met (not that these a amazing traits) but I was happy! And now I feel like I am empty!

Thanks

[talaniman]

We all go through the emotional roller coaster and are empty after a break up. That's only human, because we cared and are hurt. Let yourself heal and your senses will come back.

[makapuu]

It seems as though this relationship is a 7 on the scale of 1-10. You have highs (10's)and lows(6's), but the average is 8. When either of you find a potential 9 in someone else you go for it. But when that 9 really averages out to be a 7, you go back to your ex's. I think you two need to figure out what your relationship is.

[GOPHER2009]

I have not spoken to her for 6 days now! I am trying to comcentrate on improving myself for me! But I have lingering thoughts about what I would do if she called! I don't have enough money at the moment to go out and forget about things so I am just constantly alone with my thoughts!

I am 26 now 5 years of my life have been given to someone who in the blink of an eye started having sexual feelings for a work mate! And now wants the dreaded 'time to think' AGAIN!! The worst thing is a don't even hate her for it! I just want her to be happy,

The way that I am looking at it now is if she truly loved me for the person I am, then there is no way she could not speak to me for a week. Am I being naïve?

[talaniman]

No, your not naïve, just still having those feelings of hope, that things return to the way it was, and you can feel good again, that's all.

That often happens after a break up, and we want the misery, and pain, to go away.

But don't set yourself up for more misery, and pain, by projecting your feeling unto her actions. That's when false hope gets ugly, because its unrealistic to expect she can help you through this.

She can't, or won't, and thats the way it should be, you dealing with your feelings in a positive way, is what gets you thru this situation, so be willing to forget depending on her, to make you feel better, and get busy doing it for yourself.