[rainedonman]

My wife of 15 years had an affair with her boss, now her boss works, goes home and sits on his PC, so not great.

I have been under a heavy workload for a year and I suppose I ignored my wife for the best part of 11 months.

When she confessed , as I had the phone records she said she did not know why it happened however:

1. She had confided in colleagues that the marriage was in difficulty
2. Some of those colleagues told the boss
3. The boss and his wife have no relationship, only together for kids

The boss one day leaned over and kissed my wife and it started from there.

My wife said the boss could never leave his wife for the sake of his kids, even though we have 2 kids.

I suppose this meant my Wife thought she was never going to get caught.


Now she is caught she has said its her fault, but may not have happened if I was paying her attention.

Im paying attention now, but I still don't feel as if I'm getting anywhere.

Thoughts?

Please

[Alty]

So she's blaming you?

Don't you dare blame yourself. It takes two to make a marriage work, she's the one that stepped out of the marriage, not you.

Are you both willing to do couples counselling?

Is she still working for this man?

[jolienoire]

Don't let her blame you? Apparently she was talking to everyone else about her marriage except you the person whom she should have been communicating with.

The thing with cheaters they usually seek immediate forgiveness, which they think they should immediately be pardon from their behavior. It's hard to act normal and give into her request when you haven't really had time to think things over.
You need that time, what do you want to do? Are you willing to forgive and move on?

The reality is that she was looking at another relationship before repairing your marriage and now makes you feel guilty for not being the best husband when she was not being the best wife.
It seems like a double standard to me.

Anyway, my question to you would be what do you want to happen now that you know the truth? After all, you are the one who was cheated on. You need that time to figure out how you are going to deal with it, and then approach her with your plans.
If you simply can't get past this and want to work on your marriage then counseling would be my next suggestion.

[I wish]

When a marriage is in trouble, both people involved in the marriage should be doing whatever they can to work it out.

Instead, she goes off complaining about her marriage and then cheating on you. To me, that sounds like she's pretty much given up on the marriage.

I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't seem like she wants to put the effort to try to repair the marriage.

Furthermore, the trust is broken. How can you trust her again? Is she going to take the necessary steps to regain your trust? You don't bear all the burden of a marriage yourself. She has to take some responsibility. If she doesn't want to own up to her mistakes, then you shouldn't be giving her anymore chances.

[Synnen]

From the perspective of someone who HAS cheated---you ARE partly to blame. Not all the way--but it's not COMPLETELY her fault either.

I'm betting she DID try to tell you how she was feeling. I'm betting she DID try to tell you that your marriage was in danger.

When you are neglected, and someone fills that hole, it's hard to turn away. All of a sudden, you feel special again, like someone terrific, not taken for granted.

So... should you forgive her? That's up to you. Should she expect immediate forgiveness and trust? Absolutely not.

Should you BOTH be going to a marriage counselor? Absolutely. I sincerely doubt your marriage will survive without one.

[rainedonman]

Yes I agree, I was not paying attention as I was working too hard, in some way I was a catalyst.

However I am willing to work it out and have forgiven her, as in some way I was cheating on everyone by concentrating on work, and not on life.

She has broken it off, and is 'waiting' to see if the spark still exists.

Life is too short not to forgive, and too short to hate.

Thanks all.

[N0help4u]

Sometimes when a wife isn't getting the on going attention she needs she starts looking at the relationship from a different perspective. Like she doesn't feel like the loving loved wife so she starts looking at things like from an outsiders view point.
Then when they go have an affair instead of working on the relationship even if the affair fizzles out so can the spark she had for her marriage. She can't just decide she needs to relight the fire if the spark is gone. Most women need that ongoing emotional and pyshical support.. I think the spark wore down too much before she even ended up in the affair.
The affair was a reaction to what she already was feeling/or not feeling.

If she feels there was something there that still may be there maybe time will get her realizing this but you can't make her feel something that very likely might not be there any more.

[I wish]

However I am willing to work it out and have forgiven her, as in some way I was cheating on everyone by concentrating on work, and not on life.

That's fine if she feels the same way. It takes two people to make a relationship work.

She has broken it off, and is 'waiting' to see if the spark still exists.

That already tells us that she wants to give up. If she doesn't want to put the effort, then why continue? One sided relationships don't work. "Waiting" to see if the spark still exists doesn't mean anything. If she wanted to make it work, she would work at it with you while you're still together and not separated.

Life is too short not to forgive, and too short to hate.

Not many people will disagree with that. But I repeat, it takes two people to make a relationship work. Both of you have to be willing and committed to making the marriage work. If she doesn't feel the same way, you can't force her to change how she feels. It has to happen naturally.

[zircon70]

Would you be better off divorced, ask yourself that. Otherwise go away together and talk it out, solve the conflict, My wife and I had a rough time too and it took over ayear to resolve the issues. You might be able to solve it sooner, never let it get to that point again. If you slip back to not spending time with her you might as well end it now. Zircon, Good luck,

[rainedonman]

Well we had a big talk, even though she has broke it off we are still very good friends. She said that the physical side of the relationship felt uncomfortable and you know it does, its like two friends making out.

With this is mind she has said that she wants to leave, not immediately , but soon as we can't go on living what's left of our lives as 'friends'.

Now I know she broke it off with the other man, however I now feel bad as perhaps that was her happiness and I killed it, however in saying that I should have been told about it rather than finding out about it.

I told her I was willing to contact the other man and tell him that me and my wife were just friends, however she said that I should not do that as she does not know what's going on in the other mans head, and he may be hurt by it coming from me, in an almost 'you have her then'. Type of way...

Anyway its broken, the physical side will never be there, I suppose when she said that he made her feel like a woman I should have got the hint, especially after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids.

But I'm not bitter or angry, I feel hollow as of course I have feelings for her, but as forum members have pointed out there has to be feelings in both sides of the relationship for things to work out.

Such is life...

[N0help4u]

Your wife is right do not get involved with talking to this other guy.

I really don't know what to tell you at this point because basically the ball is in her court and you can't make her do anything but since you are still living together maybe 'the friends' thing will buy time for her to remind her what it is that made her fall in love with you.

[rainedonman]

My wife has now left to set up 'Home' with this man, he has left his wife and I am in bits.

I am putting on a brave face for the sake of our children, and to be honest she does seem happier with him and him with her, if they are both willing to do this to their partners and step over the shells of broken marriages then perhaps its better.

My wife now suddenly sees me as the person she met, and is angry for what COULD have been, there is nothing I can say apart from the fact that I worked for her and our kids and I feel so so Dissapointed.

Its really hard , I'm coping just, but with two kids and their mum away (Until she gets her flat up and runing) I am a mess.

I will never ever put work before a relationship again, ever.

Im now spending time trying to find hobbies and to get out, I think I need to do that, I have been a house hermit for years working, doing the housework and burning out at 2am.

Im a lot fitter now, and feel halthier, just want to know when the emptyness will subside.

[Synnen]

It will subside slowly.

It's like a flood--you can see the peak of it, and feel overwhelmed, but actually noticing the waters pull back is a gradual thing.

It won't be next week, or next month---but you'll find yourself laughing at a joke, or being happy about a sunny day, and you'll be a little startled at first. Those moments will start coming closer together, until you realize one day that you've filled that emptiness, slowly, with other things in your life.

[Jake2008]

It seems like all has been said, and it is over.

What I don't understand is how quickly this all happened. And how quickly she went from not talking to him, to dumping you and moving in with him.

What ever happened to working things out before it got so out of hand.

I don't believe that had she made herself clear, and wanted to be heard, that you would not have heard her.

If she was so unhappy, she did a very poor job of letting that be known.

If you didin't have a clue, and you married her, and have known her well for the past dozen years, why couldn't she even leave a note on the fridge- we NEED to talk. Are we to believe that you would have missed that too? I highly doubt it.

If her concerns were so great and she was so distressed with her marriage, surely you would have seen that. But, she was happy, she had a new man.

I think we are a little too complacent to suggest that had you worked less, and paid attention more and perhaps invested in a crystal ball, that somehow, she would not have turned into a cheater?

It really is sad that she is seen as some sort of victim here, of your neglect, which you seem to agree with. I don't think that's it at all.

Before she slept with him, and even before that when she was thinking of sleeping with him, she should have talked to you. She could have suggested couples counselling, booked a vacation, taken you to a nice hotel for the weekend. Any number of things could have been done to 'get your attention', even if you weren't, as I said, up on your crystal ball readings.

I think that had she acted responsibly, and shown you enough respect by putting you first, instead of herself, and given you the opportunity to work out the problems, you would probably still be married.

You are to blame for this? Absolutely not.

[Synnen]

Jake--

Interesting thing here: I cheated on my husband before we were married.

I tried EVERYTHING to get his attention. Meeting him at the door in lingerie (he was too tired or too stressed), having nice dinners ready for him when he got home (I never even got a thank you most of the time), keeping the house clean (he didn't even notice), doing all the grocery shopping, bill paying, and responsibilities around the house (again, no thank you, no nothing).

I asked him to talk. I left notes about needing to talk, that I felt taken for granted. I emailed him, phoned him, asked for counseling. HE didn't see a problem.

Until I left--and told him that I'd cheated on him (no, I didn't leave to go to my lover--I was shocked I cheated myself, and went to my parents). THAT got his attention.

We recently talked about it again, and he STILL confesses that he had NO idea that I was soooooo unhappy---and I STILL feel like I did everything I could to tell him how unhappy I was and how much I needed him.

Until you have been there, you have NO idea how being taken for granted and screaming for communication can get ignored, or swept under the rug as not that important, or how when you DO talk, vague promises to change, to get better, to not work as much, whatever, are all you get.

YES, he is AS MUCH to blame as she is. If he had been paying enough attention, he'd have noticed changes in the woman he'd known well for the last dozen years, and TALKED to her about it. He would have opened lines of communication himself. However---he didn't even NOTICE how unhappy she was.

Does that mean that she's a victim? Nope---NO ONE is a victim of their own actions. But it means that the OP isn't a victim either, since he is now dealing with the consequences of his own actions.

There are no victims here.

[Jake2008]

I absolutely agree with you, to a point.

There are men, and women, who just do not see the signs, and/or don't care enough to deal with their marital or relationship problems.

That is still no excuse to have an affair. It is a choice. I'm not judging you, or anybody, far from it. All I'm saying is that if the relationship is over, it's over. Why does it have to be over after the affair. Why not take care of business, make decisions, deal with just the marriage, before you hook up with another man. (not meaning you in particular here, but just a general thought).

If the OP's wife had finally said we're done, and I want a divorce- fine. It's over. But, to say it's over after another man is in the picture and marriage vows are broken, and fidelity was the catalyst, that seems wrong to me to blame the husband.

He is at fault all the way alty, right up to the moment she cheated. After she did that, nothing can justify blaming her husband.

[Synnen]

I'm not justifying cheating.

I don't think it's a good choice.

But... I didn't leave my boyfriend (now husband) after it happened to jump into another relationship. I think that MOST people would prefer to stay with their partner and not have fallen into cheating---it's not like it's planned the first time it happens, you know.

Also... where do you DEFINE the cheating? Is it okay to cheat emotionally, then, since you haven't crossed that line in the sand? What about if it was just a kiss? What if it was a whole bunch of sexual stuff, but you never actually screwed? Is THAT cheating?

I maintain that the failure of ALL relationships is because of two people not communicating. The cheater is NOT a victim of the indifference of their original partner---but that original partner isn't a victim if they haven't been giving 100% to the relationship, either.

[talaniman]

Cheating is not a solution to a bad marriage, for what ever reason. Its an escape, and an excuse, based on need, or the perception of a need.

I think your wife, and her boss were already making plans unknown to you all, and was deceptive in her actions.

When a partner is deceptive, dishonest, and disloyal, there were probably no warning signs to pay attention to. Nothing you could do, but deal with the fallout. Under those circumstances, you bear no fault. Sorry you have learned an emotionally expensive lesson.

Just want to know when the emptiness will subside.

When you have mourned the death of this relationship, and are ready to move beyond it, then you will make the adjustments that it takes to be happy with yourself, and the life you build for yourself. There will be nagging thoughts, and doubts along the way, and it may be quite a while before you feel whole again, but it will happen. Be a good DAD, and be good to yourself, That's what you do, and the chips will gradually fall into place.


Have you started legal actions? You should. As much as it hurts now, handle your business, and get what you deserve, as that's exactly what she is doing.
Good Luck.

[rainedonman]

Hello All, well she was round tonight and upset, I told her that I let her go as I thought she no longer loved me and she went, I explained how that killed me and took everything from me. Her reply albeit tearful was that she would have stayed and that she thought she was not worthy of me, that I made her do it (Leave).

I gave her a hug and am trully sorry, however if she loved me I am sure she would have stayed and tld me that she was not going, that it was a mistake.

My neighbour is of the opinion that she may be emotionally unstable, and that if she came back the children may suffer. Also that its not my problem if she is unstable, she has brought that on herself.

Another night in tears for me, I wish I could travel back in time, and she wishes she could come back, but can't come back to this house. I can't sell it, and the kids have friends and school.

Im still being nice to her, however I have no idea how a new partner would view my approach to my ex wife..

Just when I was ready to move on, I now miss her again. But not as much as I used to...

Ill update as the weeks progress, I'm so tired...

[rainedonman]

Am a bit better, out joining clubs getting out there, is it wrong to still worry about your ex wife and her mental state?

Everyone she knew (And they are not her friends anymore) says that she must be Bi-Polar, or went through some change, as they don't know the person she is now.

I however feel much better.