[zippy579]

I'm not really sure whether this is the right subject to be writing under, but what the hell!

My boyfriend of six months has just revealed that he has been taking the drug citalopram for just over a year, due to suffering from anxiety attacks and depression. A lot has happened to him in recent years, losing 3 family members due to illnesses, and also about 18months ago he lost his best friend in a car accident. I didn't know him when this happened, but got to know him about 6months after. At the worst time for the anxiety attacks he was unable to leave the house. He is now improving and can go to certain places but is still unable to visit places further away, for example; I go to uni an hour away from home, and he is unable to visit me because of the fear of panic and anxiety attacks.

His moods can be very sporadic and we argue a lot due to this, and also because of my lack of understanding of what has happened. I want to be able to understand and know what's going on, but I don't, and he finds it hard to talk to me about it, so I don't want to force him to communicate on the subject. I want to be there for him, to supporst him and understand, but I fear that while I am in the dark about his medication and what is happening to him, I am useless, and this will ultimately result in the break down of our relationship and friendship.

I guess what I would like is to maybe hear from someone who is on the medication who may be able to give me an insight into how I can best support him in this difficult time. Is it best to put our relationship on hold and just be his friend? How can I better cope with the mood swings and the arguments?

If anybody could help me, I would be greatly appreciative. I just want him to get better :(

[spiritcharms]

It sounds as though the citalopram may not be suitable for him if he still has mood swings and depression. I can totally relate to the anxiety, I still suffer from anxiety now but no where near as bad as I did. Its been about 9 years now.

Has he not had any form of counselling at all? Especially after these traumatic experiences he has had?

I had to take citalopram myself for a time when I had just had enough and could barely hold my head up. But found that the medication just didn't help me at all!

Also someone else I know also went on the same medication and they had a terrible time with it.

Saying that though,everybodys different and everybody responds differently to medication. I personally have got by a lot better without! I can't stand the things, think it just masks what's really going on. But that is me,my opinion, so I am in noway saying that he doesn't need medication or should stop them. But I would certainly look into maybe trying a different sort,or upping the dose if he's been on them a year and still having a really bad time of it, his anxiety should have lessened by now, as those ones (Citalopram) are specifically for anxiety than anything else, and they don't suit a lot of people;

Obviously you would need to talk with your boyfriend about this and see what he thinks and feels about it, unless he actually OK talking about it then there's not much you can do about it,but if he's willing to listen,then I think maybe suggesting at least him talking to his doctor about it,and maybe suggesting counselling.

Speaking as an anxiety sufferer myself, it's a debliberating illness and very hard for someone to have to live with, I know myself I get moody,aggressive sometimes,lethargic,nervous,very anxious and lots of muscle tension... the list goes on. As hard as it is for you to cope with, if you love him like you say you do, please don't give up on him, tell him it does get easier in time, its all about 'mind set' and work on changing it, fear feeds fear and on it goes, then you get 'avoidance' (just in case you have a panic attack) then at your worst you end up agrophobic!

I know because I've been there. But I am much better now, still not entirely comfortable going out, shopping, walking, being in social places around other people etc... but I am a hell of a lot better than I was! It does get better. But your partner still needs the help, to know he's not going to be abandoned yet again, as he must feel like that, having lost members of his family and a friend to a car accident, he is probably still in greiving, he needs professional help for that.

I know I don't know anything about you both,but you never said whether he has had professional help or not, if he hasn't, he should have been offered it, bereavement counselling, and now anixety management and counselling alongside the medication. Medication on its own is not enough. The guys been through too much to cope with.

[zippy579]

it sounds as though the citalopram may not be suitable for him if he still has mood swings and depression. I can totally relate to the anxiety, i still suffer from anxiety now but no where near as bad as i did. Its been about 9 years now.

Has he not had any form of counselling at all? especially after these traumatic experiences he has had?

I had to take citalopram myself for a time when i had just had enough and could barely hold my head up. But found that the medication just didnt help me at all!

also someone else i know also went on the same medication and they had a terrible time with it.

saying that though,everybodys different and everybody responds differently to medication. i personally have got by alot better without! i can't stand the things, think it just masks whats really going on. But that is me,my opinion, so i am in noway saying that he doesnt need medication or should stop them. But i would certainly look into maybe trying a different sort,or upping the dose if hes been on them a year and still having a really bad time of it, his anxiety should have lessened by now, as those ones (Citalopram) are specifically for anxiety than anything else, and they dont suit alot of people;

obviously you would need to talk with your boyfriend about this and see what he thinks and feels about it, unless he actually ok talking about it then theres not much you can do about it,but if he's willing to listen,then i think maybe suggesting at least him talking to his doctor about it,and maybe suggesting counselling.

Speaking as an anxiety sufferer myself, its a debliberating illness and very hard for someone to have to live with, i know myself i get moody,aggressive sometimes,lethargic,nervous,very anxious and lots of muscle tension....the list goes on. as hard as it is for you to cope with, if you love him like you say you do, please dont give up on him, tell him it does get easier in time, its all about 'mind set' and work on changing it, fear feeds fear and on it goes, then you get 'avoidance' (just incase you have a panic attack) then at your worst you end up agrophobic!

i know because ive been there. But i am much better now, still not entirely comfortable going out, shopping, walking, being in social places around other people etc.... but i am a hell of alot better than i was!! it does get better. But your partner still needs the help, to know he's not going to be abandoned yet again, as he must feel like that, having lost members of his family and a friend to a car accident, he is probably still in greiving, he needs professional help for that.

i know i dont know anything about you both,but you never said whether he has had professional help or not, if he hasnt, he should have been offered it, bereavement counselling, and now anixety management and counselling alongside the medication. Medication on its own is not enough. The guys been through too much to cope with.

Thanks for your reply, it has really helped me get a bit of an inisight. He was offered councilling when the anxiety was at its worst, and his doctor set it up for him, but he never went. I have suggested that it may help, but he refuses to go, I think its almost like he is refusing to admit it to himself, but obviously all I can do is suggest it. As a result of him not wanting to talk about it, I feel uncomfortable discussing his medication with him, as he is so closed off about it. But thanks to your reply, I have a bit of a clearer idea on how to handle it better. Thank you!

[spiritcharms]

Thanks for your reply, it has really helped me get a bit of an inisight. He was offered councilling when the anxiety was at its worst, and his doctor set it up for him, but he never went. I have suggested that it may help, but he refuses to go, I think its almost like he is refusing to admit it to himself, but obviously all i can do is suggest it. As a result of him not wanting to talk about it, i feel uncomfortable discussing his medication with him, as he is so closed off about it. But thanks to your reply, I have a bit of a clearer idea on how to handle it better. Thank you!

Thanks for filling me in and I'm glad it helped a bit. It will just be as hard for you to support him sometimes as it will be for him to deal with it. I know you weill probably feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall at times, and find it hard through the tough times with the mood swings, it isn't an easy road to travel. The feelings he has are very real, ven if they don't feel real to you or completely irrational, remember they are to him, he needs to know he's supported.

Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do if he won't seek help himself, like you said refusing to admit it to himself. Hopefully in time he will open up. Are there times that you do sit and talk comfortably? I honestly think the best thing that you can do if you are willing to help him is to educate yourself on what anxiety actually is,how it feels and what you're dealing with. Ive found a link that may help you better understand Panic Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Explained

How did he come to go on the medication in the first place? Do you know whether he made that step or it was suggested to him to see his doctor?
I know this must be really difficult for you, especially being a new relationship as well, but it just shows how strong you must be, as most would have run a mile by now if all the arguments have resulted around anxiety and depression.

Your doing good just by asking for help to try and support him. There's one thing I forgot to mention before and that is he must be making some progress at least, as you said he has just revealed he's been taking Citralopram for over a year. How did that come about, did he just come out with it and tell you?

[zippy579]

thanks for filling me in and im glad it helped a bit. It will just be as hard for you to support him sometimes as it will be for him to deal with it. I know you weill probably feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall at times, and find it hard through the tough times with the mood swings, it isnt an easy road to travel. The feelings he has are very real, ven if they dont feel real to you or completely irrational, remember they are to him, he needs to know he's supported.

Unfortunately there isnt alot you can do if he wont seek help himself, like you said refusing to admit it to himself. Hopefully in time he will open up. Are there times that you do sit and talk comfortably? I honestly think the best thing that you can do if you are willing to help him is to educate yourself on what anxiety actually is,how it feels and what you're dealing with. Ive found a link that may help you better understand Panic Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Explained

how did he come to go on the medication in the first place? do you know whether he made that step or it was suggested to him to see his doctor?
i know this must be really difficult for you, especially being a new relationship as well, but it just shows how strong you must be, as most would have run a mile by now if all the arguments have resulted around anxiety and depression.

your doing good just by asking for help to try and support him. Theres one thing i forgot to mention before and that is he must be making some progress at least, as you said he has just revealed he's been taking Citralopram for over a year. How did that come about, did he just come out with it and tell you?

I have just visited the website you sent and it helped a lot, so thank you! I think you are right when you say the more I educate myself on it maybe the better I will be at understanding and supporting through the tough times. I'm not entirely sure how he came to be on the medication, but he does have a tendency to brush it off when he's particularly bad, so I think it may have been his family that forced him to see the doctor when he was at his worsed.
There are beginning to be times where we are able to sit and talk about it, he's becoming more comfortable talking to me about what exactly happens when he is in a situation in an unfamiliar place. But I try not to push him into talking about it, I let him bring it up himself, and then I just tend to ask him questions about it, letting him take it as far as he is comfortable with.
The first time he mentioned it was a few months ago when I was still away at uni. We had made several different arrangements for him to come and visit me, but each time something came up preventing him from doing so. I queried it, just asking if there was anything wrong, as it felt that he wasn't OK with the idea, and he came out with it, explaining how it is difficult for him to visit unfamiliar places. He also told me about when he visisted his brother in Cardiff for the first time since it all began. He said that when he was driving up, he felt uneasy, and quite ill, but he just managed to stay calm, and he was OK as soon as he got there. So surely that must be some kind of progress?
He's said he is trying to get better, but he needs to take things at his own pace, so I'm trying to be as patient as possible until he is ready, if that makes sense?

[spiritcharms]

I have just visited the website you sent and it helped a lot, so thank you! I think you are right when you say the more i educate myself on it maybe the better i will be at understanding and supporting through the tough times. I'm not entirely sure how he came to be on the medication, but he does have a tendency to brush it off when he's particularly bad, so I think it may have been his family that forced him to see the doctor when he was at his worsed.
There are beginning to be times where we are able to sit and talk about it, hes becoming more comfortable talking to me about what exactly happens when he is in a situation in an unfamiliar place. But I try not to push him into talking about it, I let him bring it up himself, and then I just tend to ask him questions about it, letting him take it as far as he is comfortable with.
The first time he mentioned it was a few months ago when i was still away at uni. We had made several different arrangements for him to come and visit me, but each time something came up preventing him from doing so. I queried it, just asking if there was anything wrong, as it felt that he wasnt ok with the idea, and he came out with it, explaining how it is difficult for him to visit unfamiliar places. He also told me about when he visisted his brother in Cardiff for the first time since it all began. He said that when he was driving up, he felt uneasy, and quite ill, but he just managed to stay calm, and he was ok as soon as he got there. So surely that must be some kind of progress?
He's said he is trying to get better, but he needs to take things at his own pace, so I'm trying to be as patient as possible until he is ready, if that makes sense?

Well I think that is great progress on his part. Good for him! It takes a hell of a lot of energy and courage to do what he's done. It just shows he didn't avoid the trip to his brothers, that could have very well put him off completely,but those are positive words. :) You are doing all the right things by not pushing him, but letting him talk about it at his own pace,asking him questions is good if he responds well to it, and as far as letting him take it as far as he's comfortable with is a really good start. I think you are dealing with it in all the right ways. :) hopefully he is on the road to recovery and is starting to open up about it now. So whatever your doing it's making him feel more comfortable about it.

He says he's trying to get better, so that's a good start too as at least he reconises what he's dealing with and knows that there are ways to combat his illness and fears. Being patient,yes it makes perfect sense, I know myself when I was going through the worst of it, I didn't want people around me, pushing me,fussing over me, I just wanted to be left alone. It's not easy for you on the sidelines watching him go through this. Im glad that you decided to take a look on that site, and you found it useful.

The best place for him to feel more comfortable with talking about it is his comfort zone, and that is usually at home, away from other people and familiar surroundings. Although it isn't good to retreat into your comfort zone as you know, but at least he has taken baby steps and ventured out there. He's still driving about,that's great!

If you just want to talk as and when needed, or whatever, then just post on here. Im sure there are others on this board that may have some insight with what's happening to.

Good luck with it and don't forget to take care of yourself too ;)

[zippy579]

I'm not sure whetehr you still use this but I really need your advice again. Everything seems to have gone wrong. The guy I was telling you about, he's had a relapse, becoming really stressed again and he's making himself ill, with shaking, and feeling exhausted and having a sore throat. He's been like it for over a month. And I don't really know what to do.

I went away for two weeks at the end of July, and before I left things were going well, but as soon as I got back everything changed. I haven't seen him since I got back, which is like 5 weeks, he just keeps making excuses not to see me. He says he's ill, and that he can't see me. He's told me that he can't be in a relationship with me anymore because he can't give me what I deserve in the long run, and he doesn't talk to me like he used to. He says he just wants to be friends but we're barely that anymore :(

He's really busy at work atm, so I know that can be stressful, but I don't know if anything else is going, as he won't talk to me anymore about it. I'm really struggling with it all because I'm heartbroken that he has just cut me out and ended it. I am trying to understand and I'm trying to be OK with it, but I'm finding it really hard and its getting me really down because I don't know what's wrong and I don't know how to help or make it better for him, which just makes it worse, because he can tell how down I am and he's blaming himself for it which puts more stress on him.

I don't even know if you can help me, I haven't really got a question, I just don't know where to go from here, whether I should give him space to work it out or if I should stand by him and try to help. Things are so bad, and I sit for hours at a time trying to find a way of making it better but no matter how I look at it, I can't find a way. I'm exhausted, I cry a lot and I've started getting bad headaches. I would usually talk to him about things like this because he's been my best friend for three years, but I can't talk to him about how I feel because I don't want to put the extra stress on him.

Any reply would be so appreciated, I really just don't know what to do :(

[emily_godzilla]

Hi I just came across your thread tonight. I take several meds for my bipolar disorder and one is the one you mentioned your friend taking that is the generic name for it it is also called celexa. It is an anti-depressant and because I am biploar I suffer from both the high and the lows-manias and depressions. I am not saying your friend is bipolar lots of people take celexa just for depression or possibly anxiety. I am not a doctor just a patient but celexa has helped me not to suffer as bad depressions as I would without it. I only take 30mg per day which is a small dose but I do know it helps me at least. It doesn't really sound like the medication is your friends problem but more like the depression is. Just let him know that you are willing to be there to listen if he needs a friend. In the meantime try to take care of yourself and your own needs. Obviously this guy needs some space and perhaps a girlfriend boyfriend relationship will not work anymore between the two of you. But there are lots of other guys out there many of whom may not have as much emotional issues as this person. If you find a way someday to move on with someone new it would'nt mean you stopped caring for your friend you can always care for him but maybe you should accept that things romantically between you will not go any further. Sorry If I sound mean or blunt just trying to help.